MEMORABLE FARTS

1356

  Comments


  • Back in high school a friend and I decided that in an effort to get away from the jocks and close to the cheerleaders we would take aerobics as our gym class for a semester. People clowned us at first, but then the genius of our plan was clear when our friends had to go wrestle each other while we were the only two guys in a room full of 17 year old girls in workout gear. We had to spot each other during warm ups and on fine day my man let one rip as I was holding his ankles while he did sit-ups. I was pretty mad at first, but he was so embarrassed that it was worth it.

    Oh man my friend did that with a yoga class in college. He ran into this hot girl from his class at a bar one night, and he was with this other friend of ours who is from poland. They were all talking and dude was about to ask for her digits when she asked them how long they had been together. I'm not sure if he farted or not.

  • my best one after a fart..

    'get out and walk'

  • My dad always used to say "errrgh - do farts have lumps" when passing wind, infact he still does.

    Sharding or "farting in 3D" =

    My baby girl does projectile shits which fly about 2 feet, always pretty impressive in a strange way

    pz

    RD

    What up RD! Dag, your little princess is shooting ass rockets??? indeed! Hope you got that on your camcorder, dad.

    Yo, keep me posted on what up with those exclusive B******* T***** pressings, too. I need that, son!

    Phillip - I got you on the elusive pressings...

    ass rockets indeed! shit was comedy...

    pz

    RD

  • ive gotten it down to a science. see, me and my homies from clovis were all big fans of eddie murphy delirious and once we had the know how to play the fart game[/b], oh dear lord it was on.

    now, im not going to give away my personal menu of food items and physical activities to increase your fart power, but i'll drop some hints for you littler dudes than me.

    first off, you need some kind of low grade marinated meat product. ive found that beef is your best bet, but dont discout them other animals. a hint, the more processed the meat is, the better.

    next, you need some vegetables. not just any vegetable. i find that the legumes do me fine, tubers not so much. youll need to work that part out on your own though. the vegetables act as the catalytic converter in this process whereas the meat is like the gasoline, the veggies convert it to a combustible chemical state.

    and last but not least, you need yourself some sparkplugs. gulping water works. do not and i say DO NOT fuck with milk. you drop that under the hood and youll be making gravy all night. water works fine. soda works better. beer works best.

    with the right craftsmanship youll be able to push out some quality farts. i like the ones that linger. you know like when you make bbq and afterwards you smell like a fucking bbq? yeah, them lingering farts are the prize jewel of the fart game. its like getting dipped in fart gravy.

    now, the delivery system of the fart game is also important so take note. see, it used to be i could just walk up to my boy while he's sitting in front of the nintendo and squeeze out a squeeker on his head. but we all got ultra sensitive to getting our heads farted on. at which point we discovered how to throw farts. throwing a fart became the delivery system of choice cuz you could sneak up all stealth on a mofo, cup your hand over your crack and let it rip. then you take that cup of fart essense and throw it in your boys face. shit works like a charm.

    anyways, just a litle knowledge for ya. enjoy!










    ps
    my boy scooter, the hawaiian cat, had the stankiest farts. hands down. dude ate spam musubis like tic tacs.

  • Mike_BellMike_Bell 5,736 Posts

    first off, you need some kind of low grade marinated meat product. ive found that beef is your best bet, but dont discout them other animals. a hint, the more processed the meat is, the better.

    next, you need some vegetables. not just any vegetable. i find that the legumes do me fine, tubers not so much. youll need to work that part out on your own though. the vegetables act as the catalytic converter in this process whereas the meat is like the gasoline, the veggies convert it to a combustible chemical state.













    So does that mean Pork and Beans are the ultimate fart food?


  • first off, you need some kind of low grade marinated meat product. ive found that beef is your best bet, but dont discout them other animals. a hint, the more processed the meat is, the better.

    next, you need some vegetables. not just any vegetable. i find that the legumes do me fine, tubers not so much. youll need to work that part out on your own though. the vegetables act as the catalytic converter in this process whereas the meat is like the gasoline, the veggies convert it to a combustible chemical state.













    So does that mean Pork and Beans are the ultimate fart food?

    you aint never seen blazing saddles?


  • GnatGnat 1,183 Posts
    I was making out with a girl in High School. We had had an enjoyable lunch @ Subways and took our love to the secluded grassy hills at the arboretum near my house. I felt a sudden tinge of gas while we were trying to swallow one another and I proceeded to release a GI-NORMOUS 44 OZ Dr. Pepper Burp into her mouth.

    I watched her cheeks puff out for a second and then complete disgust wash over her face.

    Needless to say, she was stunned.

    Then she hit me in the stomach.

    I farted.

    Loudly.

    We laughed after that and went back to making out. I think I got to third base that day.
    The end.

    Message: Real playaz get nookie even when they burp in their girlz mouth.

  • Mike_BellMike_Bell 5,736 Posts

    first off, you need some kind of low grade marinated meat product. ive found that beef is your best bet, but dont discout them other animals. a hint, the more processed the meat is, the better.

    next, you need some vegetables. not just any vegetable. i find that the legumes do me fine, tubers not so much. youll need to work that part out on your own though. the vegetables act as the catalytic converter in this process whereas the meat is like the gasoline, the veggies convert it to a combustible chemical state.













    So does that mean Pork and Beans are the ultimate fart food?

    you aint never seen blazing saddles?

    oh snapps! yeah, i know what you're talking about.

  • DrWuDrWu 4,021 Posts
    No question this is the funniest thing I've read on here in months. Yoga is just a killer. Bending, stretching, squatting, straining in a room full of quiet meditative people. It's like a fart holding obstacle course every session.



    Strangely, when I moved to France after highschool I stopped farting for most of the year. I think the cuisine was so different that my guts were at peace.




  • Last weekend, my nephew informed me that they would play "fart football" at scout camp. Apparently, you advance 15 yards per fart, but if someone on the other team farts before you can let out another, it's an interception.

    He then explained that it was sometimes difficult to fart 5 or 6 times in a row without a turnover.


    I am just biding my time until Sween weighs in on this thread. (What is it about turkey?)

  • Mike_BellMike_Bell 5,736 Posts
    Last weekend, my nephew informed me that they would play "fart football" at scout camp. Apparently, you advance 15 yards per fart, but if someone on the other team farts before you can let out another, it's an interception.

    He then explained that it was sometimes difficult to fart 5 or 6 times in a row without a turnover.


    I am just biding my time until Sween weighs in on this thread. (What is it about turkey?)
    Wow, your nephew and his friends are very innovative (seriously).

    Speaking of turkey, one week before Thanksgiving, a pot luck was held here at my unit. There was a lot of good food there and it was free, so I got it in! Straight pigging out. So 4 plates and 1 hour later, I'm sitting in my office cutting a lot of SBD's. This guy walks in to ask me for something, right after I cut a fart. He's asking me questions and the look on his face was priceless. Dude had to cover his mouth. The smell that was coming out of my body was most def foul.

  • I was making out with a girl in High School. We had had an enjoyable lunch @ Subways and took our love to the secluded grassy hills at the arboretum near my house. I felt a sudden tinge of gas while we were trying to swallow one another and I proceeded to release a GI-NORMOUS 44 OZ Dr. Pepper Burp into her mouth.

    I watched her cheeks puff out for a second and then complete disgust wash over her face.

    Needless to say, she was stunned.

    Then she hit me in the stomach.

    I farted.

    Loudly.

    We laughed after that and went back to making out. I think I got to third base that day.
    The end.

    Message: Real playaz get nookie even when they burp in their girlz mouth.




  • first off, you need some kind of low grade marinated meat product. ive found that beef is your best bet, but dont discout them other animals. a hint, the more processed the meat is, the better.



    next, you need some vegetables. not just any vegetable. i find that the legumes do me fine, tubers not so much. youll need to work that part out on your own though. the vegetables act as the catalytic converter in this process whereas the meat is like the gasoline, the veggies convert it to a combustible chemical state.
































    So does that mean Pork and Beans are the ultimate fart food?



    you aint never seen blazing saddles?










    back in the day i used to fart in my hand, cup it... and then hand it to a someone's face like it was a gift...

  • What are your most memorable farts? Add on, add on! And plaese, no stories about how you meant to fart and accidentally shat all over yourself.... the "I SHAT ON MYSELF" thread is coming at a later date, so save your shit tales until then. Have a great day!

    You should call that thread "gambled and lost"


    At this point in the thread , Young_Phonics had to simply click on a different thread. The boy simply coudn't contain his laughter while being able to look normal around his classmates


  • autezautez 404 Posts
    i eat 2 slices of spicy hot pepperoni pizza at like 3am. i put hella pepper on it. i finish eating and i go outside sipping on a cup of water and 2 dudes and 2 chicks walk by me gettting in their car. right as theyre walking by i let out a fart. a real loud fart that the whole group of them heard. one dude just looks at me disgusted and was like "was that you?" im like "yea". so they get in their car and one dude is sitting in the passenger back seat and i see him roll down his power window all slow as he's sipping on his strawberry soda glaring at me all pissed off. i glance at him and go back to bsing with the homies. as they drive away this fucker throws his half full strawberry soda at my back. one of the dudes i was with runs after the car but they scoot around the traffic and speed off.

  • Big_StacksBig_Stacks "I don't worry about hittin' power, cause I don't give 'em nuttin' to hit." 4,670 Posts
    Hey Phill,

    Man, you're really buggin', mane!!! Alright, here goes my tale. I was sitting in 7th grade English class in front of fine-ass Brita Chavis. I was holding in some gas, I guess that came from something I ate at lunch. Anyway, I sneezed real hard, and a loud-ass fart came out at the same time. Brita asked "what was that?", and I said I don't know. Fortunately, I was able to play it off pretty cool. Oh yeah, I never did muster up the courage to step to Brita in case you're wondering.

    A second time happened at my ex fiancee's house. I had been holding some massive gas all evening, so I thought I could let it when I got outside while leaving. Well, I let off this loud, 808-bass sounding blast, that I was told later, her sister heard from her bedroom window. They teased me about it when I went over there the next time. Funny thing about my visits there, sometimes ole' girl would ride pony in the living room while her mom was sitting in the adjacent den (around the corner) usually nodded off sleep on the couch. A skirt comes in real handy for some quick 'tang. Crazy, right?

    Peace,

    Big Stacks from Kakalak

  • dayday 9,612 Posts
    One time when I was in like 7th grade I was sitting in math class, and I had this massive fart inside of me that I was holding back. But the gas pains were getting to me, man. I had to release it. I thought maybe if I just eased it out I could do it silently. Right at this time the teacher, who was a funny guy, walks over to the window and says he's gonna shut it because it's getting chilly. Then it happened- that fart that I tried to let slip out unobtrusively erupted through my cordurouys with a loud foghorn-like sound that filled the room and even seemed to echo. The teacher says, "On second thought, maybe I'll leave the window open". The whole class busted out laughing. I was mortified! Especially to see the cute girl who sat next to me in class looking at me with ridicule in her eyes, just snickering at me. I got teased over that for awhile, until I finally told kids to shut the f**k up before they get jabbed in the eye with an eberhard-faber. They left me alone after that.



    My other most memorable fart was maybe about 9 years ago. I was in a convenience store, and I don't know what the hell I'd been eating, but I let out the most stinkiest SBD (silent but deadly) in the history of mankind. I swaer, it smelled like some kind of hazardous chemicals or something, it didn't even smell like a fart. I get to the counter to pay for my ice cream sandwich, and the clerk is smiling at me. Her smile swiftly changed to a look of horror as she blurted out "WHAT IS THAT SMELL???" I couldn't help but burst out laughing, then I just walked the f**k out. That was some funny ass schitt, man.



    What are your most memorable farts? Add on, add on! And plaese, no stories about how you meant to fart and accidentally shat all over yourself.... the "I SHAT ON MYSELF" thread is coming at a later date, so save your shit tales until then. Have a great day!




    COMEDY!





    I was on the bus one day in Jr. High and I let this dude see my yearbook (they had come out that day), long story short - he didn't want to give it back, I slapped him in the face, took my book and waited for OUR stop.







    I get off, he pushes me from behind and I use the momentum to spin around and hit him in the face, thinking he would just go down and that would be the end of it.

    It wasn't. He gets up and grabs me by the legs - and here's where it gets fartarrific...



    Standing next to us was this fine girl, Lallanya, who lived down the block from me. I had a crush on her for the longest time and would always try and talk to her etc.

    So, this dude picks me up by the legs and - I swear I can still see this shit in slow motion like it was yesterday - drops me down on the ground and RIGHT when I fall I let out the most ridiculous "HOOOOOOOORRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNK!" evar. At the same exact time I look up, only to see Lallanya staring right at me.



    To top it all off, I got my ass beat in front of everyone on the bus (the busdriver just parked there and watched and all the kids cheered! I was an asshole back then, what can I say.), then I had to walk 2 blocks home with the dude and his 3 friends talking shit to me while I watched Lallanya walk home by herself.





    SUPER

  • back in the day i used to fart in my hand, cup it... and then hand it to a someone's face like it was a gift...

    We used to do this when I spent some time in the line shack in the Navy, we called it the 'cupinheimer'


  • I once had one slip out whilst recieving some good ol' cabeza. I felt bad but shit, I was relaxed, hoLmes. Girl got the screwface, giggled a bit, let a minute pass and got the job done on my big daddy kane. What a sweetheart she was.

    My little cousin used to fart in a pillow and put it in his Grandma's face. He's the same guy who used to run around singing "I'm the real brown Superman!" to Above The Law's "Black Superman."

    My old roommate said he like to fart on the first date just to get it out of the way early in the relationship. That's a pretty smart move, if you ask me.

    Herm

  • parsecparsec 5,087 Posts
    Magical Jackson has been known to do this one in the car. He'll go "hey whats that smell"? And I'll go "huh"? Then out of nowhere he will have already farted in his hand and cup it, then put it in my fuckin face. As if that was't bad enough, he'll control the windows so you can't roll em down.

    my face usually looks like this

  • That was some funny ass schitt, man.

  • SwayzeSwayze 14,705 Posts
    Magical Jackson has been known to do this one in the car. He'll go "hey whats that smell"? And I'll go "huh"? Then out of nowhere he will have already farted in his hand and cup it, then put it in my fuckin face. As if that was't bad enough, he'll control the windows so you can't roll em down.

    my face usually looks like this
    not me.

  • As if that was't bad enough, he'll control the windows so you can't roll em down.

    All those who are wardens of their own fart prisons, raise your hand!



    Shit, if you're rolling in MY car, best understand that I'm the judge, jury and executioner! You just may get the gas chamber!!!

    Herm


  • My old roommate said he like to fart on the first date just to get it out of the way early in the relationship. That's a pretty smart move, if you ask me.

    Herm


    One of my experiences :
    in a realtionship talking about farting is the first real sign of confidence.


    Go on
    Seb

  • SwayzeSwayze 14,705 Posts
    my location has changed twice in the last 20min.

  • Options
    back in the day i used to fart in my hand, cup it... and then hand it to a someone's face like it was a gift...


    We used to do this when I spent some time in the line shack in the Navy, we called it the 'cupinheimer'


    We STILL do this at my job, dudes are damn near 45 years old handing farts around. We call it "The King" though, named after the Burger King commercials where The King brings a hamburger from behind his back and hands it to you. Hence, "OHHH, SWEEN DID THE KING!!!".

    Every one at work has a pose or two that they execute when they are coming with a loud one. I got three, besides The King. I do the Heisman, where I form a perfect Heisman Trophy pose and present my gift when the arm reaches full extension.


    I also enjoy The Crane. When I execute The Crane in a roomful of co-workers someone will undoubtedly shout "Sweep the leg". The key to executing poses is to dramatically form your pose and be as sweeping in your motion as possible, and then when the pose reaches full maturity you demonstrate your scent of the day.


    Whutchu know about the Bandleader? I don't think anyone does this one, it takes planning. You gotta be able to walk into a room KNOWING your gonna fart when you get in there, and come in the room HIGHSTEPPING and pumping your arms (or playing air-trumpet with the body twisting side-to-side) like you're leading Grambling out onto the field. And when the time is right to blow the tubas, you absolutely freeze with a look on your face like you just won the lottery. Once dudes know about the Bandleader, you come in a room in full execution and people scramble because they don't know when or where you're gonna order up the horns.


    Those are my moves, you can borrow them.

    My most memorable fart though, besides all of the times I cleared out my meeting room of 25 people, was the time I prevented an ENTIRE GARAGE FULL of 80 technicians from entering the building. We came into my job one day, and all the work crews go into their rooms and sit down when all of a sudden the union boss comes in and asks to speak to all of us out in the main truck parking area. AWESOME!! 80 people all file through this one door into the hangar, and I'm the last one out so I just hang back and stand by the door. I'm giggling to myself knowing that I'm either gonna blast these fools out there or wait until we get back in the room....then it dawns on me. I'm at the door! Everyone has to walk right by where I'm standing to get back to the rooms!!

    I held that thing in for close to 5 minutes or so. I had a feeling that the spech was winding down, and timed it perfectly...let a ninja slip out, but nah dude, not in the normal way. I straight up lifted my leg and pulled my asscheek open, and did this thing with my breathing and stomach where I push out more air. I heard the WHOOSH, then shook the cheek a bit to get it going. It hit right away since I was under an air vent, and I opened the door and held it for people to go inside.

    The first two got through but covered up their noses and broke into a frightened trot, then as people were getting near and it was spreading from the air vent and I was standing there laughing the whoooole crowd let out a "ohhhhhh ewwww Sweeennnnn whaaa the fucccckk" while I got tears in my eyes CACKLING at the crowd. Some people ran back and didn't catch any, but I'd say about 40 half the group up front caught the vapors. And they all waited a few minutes to come back in.

    The even better part was we had some new people who had just transferred into the garage the week before, that was their first introduction to me.

    I played poker the night before and drank a whole bottle of Shiraz by myself and ate all these Guacamole doritos, plus some homemade chocolate chips cookies and this cheese thing. Haven't been able to replicate the concoction since then, it must have been just some magic in the air. Really I have no way of describing the smell, but let me just say that I've been smelling my farts for a long-ass time and I was baffled by the odor I produced that day. It was almost chemical, like a weapon. That was the day i got the name Chernobyl Butt.


    -Sween.

  • BigSpliffBigSpliff 3,266 Posts
    Who knew Sween could produce a Bambouche-style epic blog article on cupping farts? All that's missing is some mp3s

  • Who knew Sween could produce a Bambouche-style epic blog article on cupping farts?


    I did:

    I am just biding my time until Sween weighs in on this thread. (What is it about turkey?)


    PS I love you, Sween.

    PPS Never fart around me.

  • Big_StacksBig_Stacks "I don't worry about hittin' power, cause I don't give 'em nuttin' to hit." 4,670 Posts
    back in the day i used to fart in my hand, cup it... and then hand it to a someone's face like it was a gift...


    We used to do this when I spent some time in the line shack in the Navy, we called it the 'cupinheimer'


    We STILL do this at my job, dudes are damn near 45 years old handing farts around. We call it "The King" though, named after the Burger King commercials where The King brings a hamburger from behind his back and hands it to you. Hence, "OHHH, SWEEN DID THE KING!!!".

    Every one at work has a pose or two that they execute when they are coming with a loud one. I got three, besides The King. I do the Heisman, where I form a perfect Heisman Trophy pose and present my gift when the arm reaches full extension.


    I also enjoy The Crane. When I execute The Crane in a roomful of co-workers someone will undoubtedly shout "Sweep the leg". The key to executing poses is to dramatically form your pose and be as sweeping in your motion as possible, and then when the pose reaches full maturity you demonstrate your scent of the day.


    Whutchu know about the Bandleader? I don't think anyone does this one, it takes planning. You gotta be able to walk into a room KNOWING your gonna fart when you get in there, and come in the room HIGHSTEPPING and pumping your arms (or playing air-trumpet with the body twisting side-to-side) like you're leading Grambling out onto the field. And when the time is right to blow the tubas, you absolutely freeze with a look on your face like you just won the lottery. Once dudes know about the Bandleader, you come in a room in full execution and people scramble because they don't know when or where you're gonna order up the horns.


    Those are my moves, you can borrow them.

    My most memorable fart though, besides all of the times I cleared out my meeting room of 25 people, was the time I prevented an ENTIRE GARAGE FULL of 80 technicians from entering the building. We came into my job one day, and all the work crews go into their rooms and sit down when all of a sudden the union boss comes in and asks to speak to all of us out in the main truck parking area. AWESOME!! 80 people all file through this one door into the hangar, and I'm the last one out so I just hang back and stand by the door. I'm giggling to myself knowing that I'm either gonna blast these fools out there or wait until we get back in the room....then it dawns on me. I'm at the door! Everyone has to walk right by where I'm standing to get back to the rooms!!

    I held that thing in for close to 5 minutes or so. I had a feeling that the spech was winding down, and timed it perfectly...let a ninja slip out, but nah dude, not in the normal way. I straight up lifted my leg and pulled my asscheek open, and did this thing with my breathing and stomach where I push out more air. I heard the WHOOSH, then shook the cheek a bit to get it going. It hit right away since I was under an air vent, and I opened the door and held it for people to go inside.

    The first two got through but covered up their noses and broke into a frightened trot, then as people were getting near and it was spreading from the air vent and I was standing there laughing the whoooole crowd let out a "ohhhhhh ewwww Sweeennnnn whaaa the fucccckk" while I got tears in my eyes CACKLING at the crowd. Some people ran back and didn't catch any, but I'd say about 40 half the group up front caught the vapors. And they all waited a few minutes to come back in.

    The even better part was we had some new people who had just transferred into the garage the week before, that was their first introduction to me.

    I played poker the night before and drank a whole bottle of Shiraz by myself and ate all these Guacamole doritos, plus some homemade chocolate chips cookies and this cheese thing. Haven't been able to replicate the concoction since then, it must have been just some magic in the air. Really I have no way of describing the smell, but let me just say that I've been smelling my farts for a long-ass time and I was baffled by the odor I produced that day. It was almost chemical, like a weapon. That was the day i got the name Chernobyl Butt.


    -Sween.



    Peace,

    Big Stacks from Kakalak

  • a friend of mine was playing hoops at an outdoor court in college and literally right before he took a jumpshot he got the sudden urge to fart. unfortunately, he actually shit himself and...worse yet...due to his bball shorts and boxers combo, the shit landed on the court. talk about this was close to 6 years ago and we still bring this up every time me and my friends see him.
Sign In or Register to comment.