MEMORABLE FARTS

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  • libraries/ book stores man... i tell ya, funniest thing.

    imagine a real quiet room full of people with occasional "pooot!!" or "prrrrt" every min or so...


    Ever been to a yoga class? Relaxing your muscles, yeah sure. Notorious shit.

  • PrimeCutsLtdPrimeCutsLtd jersey fresh 2,632 Posts
    You know a fart stinks when it even grosses you out. Stinks so bad you can almost taste it.

  • classic thread.

    1992 - me and two friends anda bunch of girls we picked up were drinking in this bar in majorca.this bar opened at 6am for the people who worked in the clubs there.
    anyway,the local police show up (guardia civil - love to beat the shit out of anyone)the music cuts and they line everyone up to start searching for drugs and basically intimidate people.
    i`ve been beering it all night plus smoked a joint about 25 seconds before they showed up andseriously have the beer farts.everyones stressing thinking someone is gonna get pulled and spend a night in the cells plus frankie(some biig brother we met from london) was passing the joints around and was holding hash..

    anyway they pass me and my friends and my guts are killing me - seriously.my stomach feels like it`s got a full load of dirty stinky laundry going round inside.the cops get about 6 people away and i start trying not to laugh as i know whats going to happen.my friends realise i`m laughing and start giving me the looks of 'fucking stop it'.that was it - i let go one of those trombone farts that start slow and speed up,gathering volume as it goes...ahh man everyone was struggling not to bust up and the guardia started shouting some spanish shit at everyone.they eventually left without anyone(we found out frankie swallowed the joint that was going around).as soon as they went everyone was laughing hard!!
    still to this day that is known as the dangerous fart with my friends.




    another time me and my friends were getting a cab home about 3am after being out getting drunk 'practicing' for new year two days later..
    i`m sitting in the front next to the driver and my friends are in the back(england).the cabbie is one of those annyoing bastards who wants to talk a load of boring small talk and is driving me mental.anyway we get to my friends place and i tell the others i got the fare.the driver tells me it`s 4 pounds.i tell him here`s five keep the change.the cabbie is happy with this and says ahhh thanks mate.
    i`m already getting out of the car and my friendsare nearly out when i bend and put my arse back toward the driver and let a squealer go,quickly closing the door on him.we hear the cabbie shout 'i didn`t want that though' before he drove off - my friends and me were pissing ourselves laughing at him..


    whats the best thing about a fart - the sound or the smell???

  • My brother told me a story about when he was in college in West Virginia. To entertain themselves, him and a group of his friends would go into a certain local bakery with ammunition, if you know what I mean. They would prepare an hour to a half hour before by eating gas-inducing foods: bean burritos, lo mein, onion soup, etc.....Then it's off to "the Bakery" that was nearby so they could walk there and save their gas. Four or five of them would go into the store and walk around letting them rip freely while pretending to shop. After about five or ten minutes of this they would leave. It got to a point, where the owner of the store caught wind of what they were doing and actually banned them from the store saying to them "You boys are smelling up my bread!!!!!!!"






  • drewnicedrewnice 5,465 Posts
    OK, here goes...



    I used to work at a music store when I was in high-school and a little bit in college when I'd come home for winter break. My manager was gay and really made little effort to hide it. His friends would come in right before closing time and he'd often let me or whoever else go home without having to complete our closing chores or whatever. Anyway, a girl that I worked with there told me this: One day he was planning to go over to his buddie's house and well, have anal sex. He did an enema to clean himself out and make way for unrestricted entry, put his clothes on and left. It may have been his first time doing an enema, but in any case, he didn't get everything out, and on the drive over to his friend's house he farted and soaked himself and the truck upholstery with shitty brown water! I guess he drove home and got himself straightened up or whatever, but UHHH!!!

  • This thread is awesome.
    99, I can't believe your boys were administering a fart co-op.

    My brother and I used to have major biff battles.
    We have a big traditional seven fish dinner every Christmas Eve,
    so the next morning is usually the Madison Square Garden of fart exposition.
    In any case, I leaned one over, squeezed, and that business straight-up whistled like a tea kettle.
    A long (ten seconds, at least) high-pitched whine followed by an oceanic funk wind.
    We still laugh about "The Whistler."

  • I guess he drove home and got himself straightened up


  • I dated a girl once, apparently her ex-BFs habit was when every time he farted saying "oohh that was a stinkie-winkie!"


  • girgir 329 Posts
    once in high school, i had fallen asleep in a class where i had to sit in the front row and ended up farting while i was asleep. the fart woke me up but realizing i had farted in class i played if off. however this was no ordinary fart. it came out as a mid range kinda stutter and then somehow echo off the plastic of the chair and let off this higher pitched rattattattatat kinda sound. it stopped class and everyone had a good giggle while the teacher went on about us being like family and the person responsible should fess up. i just kept playin' like i was asleep until the end of class.

  • I knew a dude who walked up to the teachers desk (while the teacher was elsewhere in the classroom), sat on her register, did that pose that Dhalsim does in Street Fighter and creaked one out on the register. Hilarious.


    Another time, it was the same dude and he let one go in class.

    Teacher: 'Danny!! You really should go and see a doctor!!'

    Danny: 'I did'

    Teacher: 'And what did he say?' (fatal mistake)

    Danny: 'He said I've got a rat up my ass'

    Then he got sent the hell out of the lesson.

  • in middle school there was this kid in one of my classes who ripped a fart every day, and he took great pride and did it out in the open with drama like lifting his legs up and everything. one day the dude called my name and when i looked his way he was holding both of his legs up in a fart cannon position and let it rip, however it didnt rip - it went "WHOOOSH" as if the gust had a clear path into the world. i fell out and dude actually got embarassed by that one

  • drewnicedrewnice 5,465 Posts
    Fuck, reading this thread makes me wish I won this fart record that was on eBay about 8 months ago. I think atomic was selling it? Maybe not them, but does anybody own any fart records? I think this one was a recording from an actual competiton from back in the day...



    Wish I could claim

  • BreakSelfBreakSelf 2,925 Posts
    Fuck, reading this thread makes me wish I won this fart record that was on eBay about 8 months ago. I think atomic was selling it? Maybe not them, but does anybody own any fart records? I think this one was a recording from an actual competiton from back in the day...

    Wish I could claim

    Fart records are the new modern soul.

  • Fuck, reading this thread makes me wish I won this fart record that was on eBay about 8 months ago. I think atomic was selling it? Maybe not them, but does anybody own any fart records? I think this one was a recording from an actual competiton from back in the day...

    Wish I could claim

    Fart records are the new modern soul.


  • verb606verb606 2,518 Posts
    Farts are the worst in a hot shower. It magnifies the smell by at least 50x. awful.


    yeah i know! what is the scientifical reason for that? the water molecules or something? ugh. that's why i never want to shower with my wife. she can cut some that are way worse than mine.



  • DocBeezyDocBeezy 1,918 Posts
    Farts are the worst in a hot shower. It magnifies the smell by at least 50x. awful.


    yeah i know! what is the scientifical reason for that? the water molecules or something? ugh. that's why i never want to shower with my wife. she can cut some that are way worse than mine.



    its got to be something with the steam or the heat. I dont know.

    No offense, but that about your wife is making me sick.

  • What are your most memorable farts? Add on, add on! And plaese, no stories about how you meant to fart and accidentally shat all over yourself.... the "I SHAT ON MYSELF" thread is coming at a later date, so save your shit tales until then. Have a great day!

    You should call that thread "gambled and lost"

    Or "Backroom trojan horse".

  • DocBeezyDocBeezy 1,918 Posts


    Or "Backroom trojan horse".

    "Backroom TROJAM horse"

  • Fart records are the new modern soul.

    Pulled a Crepitation Contest in the shrink, yo.

  • RaystarRaystar 1,106 Posts
    I think Phill is getting low on his medicine again.

  • SIRUSSIRUS 2,554 Posts
    once, when i was in the 5th grade i had to fart and i knew from the stomach feeling that it would be an sbd. i hated my teacher so much, that when she was making her rounds around the classroom i purposley dropped my pencil behind me out of my reach. she reached down to pick it up and i let loose with the quit 'fffffffft' sound right in her grill! the damn thing is that she didn't do NADA! just made a face and kept it moving back to her desk!! my sister still teases me about that foul schitt.

  • About two months ago, I was feeling very depressed and actuall started to cry.

    Grope, please forgive me but for some reason this is extremely funny to me. Way funnier than the farting part of the story.

  • You know a fart stinks when it even grosses you out. Stinks so bad you can almost taste it.

    You ever have a fart that smelled like the schitt you were eating that made you fart in the first place? Ever taste the smell and it actually made you hungry all over again? This has happened to me, I can't lie. Sometimes my farts smell pretty good, actually... kinda like fried foods.

  • My dad always used to say "errrgh - do farts have lumps" when passing wind, infact he still does.

    Sharding or "farting in 3D" =

    My baby girl does projectile shits which fly about 2 feet, always pretty impressive in a strange way

    pz

    RD

  • Mike_BellMike_Bell 5,736 Posts


    You ever have a fart that smelled like the schitt you were eating that made you fart in the first place?
    Yup.

    About 5 years ago, I was eating some spicy baked chicken that gave me some horrible gas. So I was laying down just cutting some deadly farts. For like 20 min. Then my roommate came in and said, 'What you're cooking over there?' He actually thought that I was making a meal!

    Disgusting.

  • My dad always used to say "errrgh - do farts have lumps" when passing wind, infact he still does.

    Sharding or "farting in 3D" =

    My baby girl does projectile shits which fly about 2 feet, always pretty impressive in a strange way

    pz

    RD

    What up RD! Dag, your little princess is shooting ass rockets??? indeed! Hope you got that on your camcorder, dad.

    Yo, keep me posted on what up with those exclusive B******* T***** pressings, too. I need that, son!

  • U.S. Library of Congress evacuated for 'odor'
    Wed Nov 30, 2005 11:54 AM ET

    WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The main building of the Library of Congress was evacuated on Wednesday morning after a "suspicious odor" was detected and two people felt faint, Capitol police said.

    Nearby buildings, including the U.S. Capitol and the Supreme Court, were not affected.

    The main Jefferson Building was evacuated shortly before 10 a.m. (1500 GMT) and the odor was being investigated. One person who felt faint was treated on the scene and the other was taken to a local hospital for further examination, according to a U.S. Capitol police spokeswoman.


  • asstroasstro 1,752 Posts
    Back in high school a friend and I decided that in an effort to get away from the jocks and close to the cheerleaders we would take aerobics as our gym class for a semester. People clowned us at first, but then the genius of our plan was clear when our friends had to go wrestle each other while we were the only two guys in a room full of 17 year old girls in workout gear. We had to spot each other during warm ups and on fine day my man let one rip as I was holding his ankles while he did sit-ups. I was pretty mad at first, but he was so embarrassed that it was worth it.




  • SMELLS LIKE ONE OF VAN HEUTEN"S

  • asstroasstro 1,752 Posts
    Oh yeah, baby farts are no joke either. For the first few days after my son was born he was laying some of the most toxic farts I have ever smelled. I have no idea why they weres so potent but it was unreal. My 2 month old daughter farts like a champ too, but it's mostly noise and not much else. You know how dainty girls are...
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