Soul Strut

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<blockquote> <blockquote> back in the day i used to fart in my hand, cup it... and then hand it to a someone's face like it was a gift... </blockquote> We used to do this when I spent some time in the line shack in the Navy, we called it the 'cupinheimer' </blockquote> We STILL do this at my job, dudes are damn near 45 years old handing farts around. We call it "The King" though, named after the Burger King commercials where The King brings a hamburger from behind his back and hands it to you. Hence, "OHHH, SWEEN DID THE KING!!!". Every one at work has a pose or two that they execute when they are coming with a loud one. I got three, besides The King. I do the Heisman, where I form a perfect Heisman Trophy pose and present my gift when the arm reaches full extension. <img src="http://www.herffjones.com/corpaward/images/heisman.JPG" alt="" /> I also enjoy The Crane. When I execute The Crane in a roomful of co-workers someone will undoubtedly shout "Sweep the leg". The key to executing poses is to dramatically form your pose and be as sweeping in your motion as possible, and then when the pose reaches full maturity you demonstrate your scent of the day. <img src="http://espn.starwave.com/i/magazine/new/karate_kid.jpg" alt="" /> Whutchu know about the Bandleader? I don't think anyone does this one, it takes planning. You gotta be able to walk into a room KNOWING your gonna fart when you get in there, and come in the room HIGHSTEPPING and pumping your arms (or playing air-trumpet with the body twisting side-to-side) like you're leading Grambling out onto the field. And when the time is right to blow the tubas, you absolutely freeze with a look on your face like you just won the lottery. Once dudes know about the Bandleader, you come in a room in full execution and people scramble because they don't know when or where you're gonna order up the horns. <img src="http://www.princeton.edu/~puband/photos/marching-s94.jpg" alt="" /> Those are my moves, you can borrow them. My most memorable fart though, besides all of the times I cleared out my meeting room of 25 people, was the time I prevented an ENTIRE GARAGE FULL of 80 technicians from entering the building. We came into my job one day, and all the work crews go into their rooms and sit down when all of a sudden the union boss comes in and asks to speak to all of us out in the main truck parking area. AWESOME!! 80 people all file through this one door into the hangar, and I'm the last one out so I just hang back and stand by the door. I'm giggling to myself knowing that I'm either gonna blast these fools out there or wait until we get back in the room....then it dawns on me. I'm at the door! Everyone has to walk right by where I'm standing to get back to the rooms!! I held that thing in for close to 5 minutes or so. I had a feeling that the spech was winding down, and timed it perfectly...let a ninja slip out, but nah dude, not in the normal way. I straight up lifted my leg and pulled my asscheek open, and did this thing with my breathing and stomach where I push out more air. I heard the WHOOSH, then shook the cheek a bit to get it going. It hit right away since I was under an air vent, and I opened the door and held it for people to go inside. The first two got through but covered up their noses and broke into a frightened trot, then as people were getting near and it was spreading from the air vent and I was standing there laughing the whoooole crowd let out a "ohhhhhh ewwww Sweeennnnn whaaa the fucccckk" while I got tears in my eyes CACKLING at the crowd. Some people ran back and didn't catch any, but I'd say about 40 half the group up front caught the vapors. And they all waited a few minutes to come back in. The even better part was we had some new people who had just transferred into the garage the week before, that was their first introduction to me. I played poker the night before and drank a whole bottle of Shiraz by myself and ate all these Guacamole doritos, plus some homemade chocolate chips cookies and this cheese thing. Haven't been able to replicate the concoction since then, it must have been just some magic in the air. Really I have no way of describing the smell, but let me just say that I've been smelling my farts for a long-ass time and I was baffled by the odor I produced that day. It was almost chemical, like a weapon. That was the day i got the name Chernobyl Butt. -Sween.

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