When is it time to call for an intervention?

GuzzoGuzzo 8,611 Posts
edited June 2005 in Strut Central
ok slow day and I've got a burning question:One of my best friends has been flipping for a bit now. He went from being one quarter away from graduating with BA in business to dropping out moving to Las Vegas, getting lazy as fuck on the weed and moving back into his parents spot where he's been sitting on the couch watching TV for the last 8 months. Dude is probably the only man outside of a family member i'd jump in front of a bullet for and it saddens me to see him like this. I've blown up at dude out of pure frustration, I've tried to help by offering to assist in finding a job and I've encouraged dude to get back into school and finish what he started. So far nothing has happened. Dude has now gone into slanging weed which may not be bad for some but the way this guy used to talk about life and drugs makes his new path through this world seem surreal and beyond sad.Has nayone had to stage an intervention for a loved one? if so did it work? and is there an easy way of doing this?

  Comments


  • BrianBrian 7,618 Posts
    maybe dude just needs a break from school. i took a year off and while im no where near graduating now, i'm actually going to my classes and doing well in them. do you know why he dropped out all of a sudden?

  • ReynaldoReynaldo 6,054 Posts
    How old is your friend?

  • GuzzoGuzzo 8,611 Posts
    maybe dude just needs a break from school. i took a year off and while im no where near graduating now, i'm actually going to my classes and doing well in them. do you know why he dropped out all of a sudden?

    he never really gave a clear reason for dropping out. Perhaps cause he never gave himself a clear reason for doing so (specualtion only). I've been hoping he's just on a hiatus from life for a bit but honestly its not like he's in a position to afford such a luxury. he was raised across the street from me and I grew up on food stamps.

    Anyways, I don't want to get anymore personal on this than I already have. just looking for methods that may work if I ever do think that I have to go the intervention route

  • GrafwritahGrafwritah 4,184 Posts
    One of my best friends has been flipping for a bit now. He went from being one quarter away from graduating with BA in business to dropping out moving to Las Vegas, getting lazy as fuck on the weed and moving back into his parents spot where he's been sitting on the couch watching TV for the last 8 months.

    I don't know, but at this stage you should do something. If he had never done anything productive that would be one thing, but you need to get him to go back to school and finish up his business degree. If he's gotten this far it would be such a fucking waste. Tell him to just go sleep thru his last few classes. Tell him to imagine how much more weed he could buy with a degree. Put it in terms that matter to him. He'll probably thank you sometime down the road - perspectives change, most definitely.



    P.S. Business degrees are BS's usually.

  • Maybe he's realizing that a BA in Business is Bullshit.

    Maybe dude decided the rat race is a joke, and not worth it...

    Maybe some of your drop out friends should get together and have an intervention for you.



    Peace...
    FNM

  • GrafwritahGrafwritah 4,184 Posts
    Maybe he's realizing that a BA in Business is Bullshit.

    Maybe dude decided the rat race is a joke, and not worth it...

    It's all perspective. But why go thru all that and not finish?


    Plus, who wants to support their kids forever. How bout he comes and lives in your basement?

  • Maybe he's realizing that a BA in Business is Bullshit.

    Maybe dude decided the rat race is a joke, and not worth it...

    It's all perspective. But why go thru all that and not finish?


    Plus, who wants to support their kids forever. How bout he comes and lives in your basement?

    He's free to join my free love and dope commune, but he'll have to pull his weight somehow, we don't have cable either, but we do have video games, dvds, and records...


  • DjArcadianDjArcadian 3,632 Posts
    My advice is leave-him-be if you want to remain friends. Yes, I can understand you wanting the best for him but judging a friend is perhaps the worst thing you can do in a friendship. I've had friends that have been complete fuck ups and it bugs me but pulling a holier-than-thou intervention isn't going to help him or your guys friendship. Let him do his thing. He'll find his path in life eventually.

  • BeatChemistBeatChemist 1,465 Posts
    My advice is leave-him-be if you want to remain friends. Yes, I can understand you wanting the best for him but judging a friend is perhaps the worst thing you can do in a friendship. I've had friends that have been complete fuck ups and it bugs me but pulling a holier-than-thou intervention isn't going to help him or your guys friendship. Let him do his thing. He'll find his path in life eventually.

    That's true... but some people just really need a wake up call to put their own lives in perspective. Sometimes it takes somebody else, somebody they wouldn't normally expect, to call them on their bullshit.


    I'd suggest approaching him with a few other close friends. Be sure to emphasize the fact that you're not there to tell him that his life is 'wrong.' That kind of condescending attitude is going to be met with some sort of "fuck you mind your own business" response. Just explain to him that you really care about him, and want him to be happy and successful in his life. You're worried that the path he's taking isn't going to lead him to a place he wants to be.

    It's true that nobody wants their best pals harping on them for their lifestyle choices... but like I said some people need that slap in the face, and others are just asking/waiting for help.


    Good luck. It's obvious your heart's in the right place.

  • FlomotionFlomotion 2,390 Posts
    No one likes to hear that kind of judgemental line but you're a good friend for saying it. You don't need to say it again though - if he's listening he'll think about it, and if he doesn't listen he's not ready to move on...



    Selling weed for a living is no way to go: by the time you're making enough money the hassles are stacking up. May take time, but when he sees his friends making moves in the real world and getting places without all the shit involved in knocking out puff he's gonna feel left behind. Hope it's sooner rather than later. Been there. Good luck.

  • LamontLamont 1,089 Posts
    I'm 24, I dropped out too and I'm spending my days doing nothing with the occasional bullshitjob to support this behaviour. Last week I ran into some guy from highschool, he never had any education and is parking Volkswagens for a living, when the 5PM bell goes, all I can see is fucking sadness in his eyes cause he got no other choice but to drive home to a girlfriend he never really chose to date. The people with a degree get a kick out of talking down to you, yet they remain rather vague when you ask them if they're really enjoying their job. So that's two dead-end streets for you, in the meanwhile I'm figuring out ways to pay my bills without dealing with too many dodgy characters. I feel I'm too old to start all over again and deal with the whole system & social consequences that are eating up my self esteem. I would love to get a degree in (???) and yes, it's all about discipline but I can't find the strength to put up with all the bullshit so I'd rather stay focused on getting there my way, whatever that will be. Three years of education is a very long time when all you got to think about is previous failures and the fact that a lot of friends are already settling down. A 9 to 5 you don't wanna do squeezes all the life right out you and these coworkers got a third eye for that shit.

    Only option I can see is either moving to another country (Australia or New Zealand) and leaving everything behind or finding a nice halftime job + do some legal hustling on the side and at the same time getting a BA without anyone knowing about it...





  • Sun_FortuneSun_Fortune 1,374 Posts
    I'm 24, I dropped out too and I'm spending my days doing nothing with the occasional bullshitjob to support this behaviour. Last week I ran into some guy from highschool, he never had any education and is parking Volkswagens for a living, when the 5PM bell goes, all I can see is fucking sadness in his eyes cause he got no other choice but to drive home to a girlfriend he never really chose to date. The people with a degree get a kick out of talking down to you, yet they remain rather vague when you ask them if they're really enjoying their job. So that's two dead-end streets for you, in the meanwhile I'm figuring out ways to pay my bills without dealing with too many dodgy characters. I feel I'm too old to start all over again and deal with the whole system & social consequences that are eating up my self esteem. I would love to get a degree in (???) and yes, it's all about discipline but I can't find the strength to put up with all the bullshit so I'd rather stay focused on getting there my way, whatever that will be. Three years of education is a very long time when all you got to think about is previous failures and the fact that a lot of friends are already settling down. A 9 to 5 you don't wanna do squeezes all the life right out you and these coworkers got a third eye for that shit.

    Only option I can see is either moving to another country (Australia or New Zealand) and leaving everything behind or finding a nice halftime job + do some legal hustling on the side and at the same time getting a BA without anyone knowing about it...

    I agree with almost everything you said and am in a very similar boat. I had 4 classes to go before the secret dropout. It was a bad decision, but I didn't really make it consciously. I was an art major and could see no good in finishing that degree. The shit thats ill is getting a higher degree. I wanna be a scientist now.

  • 4_LOVE4_LOVE 16 Posts
    ok slow day and I've got a burning question:

    One of my best friends has been flipping for a bit now. He went from being one quarter away from graduating with BA in business to dropping out moving to Las Vegas, getting lazy as fuck on the weed and moving back into his parents spot where he's been sitting on the couch watching TV for the last 8 months.

    Dude is probably the only man outside of a family member i'd jump in front of a bullet for and it saddens me to see him like this. I've blown up at dude out of pure frustration, I've tried to help by offering to assist in finding a job and I've encouraged dude to get back into school and finish what he started. So far nothing has happened. Dude has now gone into slanging weed which may not be bad for some but the way this guy used to talk about life and drugs makes his new path through this world seem surreal and beyond sad.

    Has nayone had to stage an intervention for a loved one? if so did it work? and is there an easy way of doing this?



    Your buddy sounds like he's suffers from depression.

  • Jonny_PaycheckJonny_Paycheck 17,825 Posts
    Adam through all this you haven't indicated whether or not yall have had an honest conversation about this.

    I wouldn't call any intervention until you have a good understanding from him as to why he does what he does.

  • Birdman9Birdman9 5,417 Posts
    I'm 24

    I feel I'm too old to start all over again and deal with the whole system & social consequences that are eating up my self esteem.




    Whatever you choose to believe about your life and circumstances are completely up to you, but I have one thing to say and I hope you take this the right way...





    YOU'RE 24!!!!!! C,mon, have a little more perspective than that, man!

    If you were 54 and at the end of your rope with nothing to show for it, I would be like, dude, yeah that's hard....but you're 24[/b].You have the next 6 years AT LEAST before anyone looks truly sideways at you for doing whatever the fuck you want with your life. But I am gonna tell you something someone told me at 28: After 30, no one wants to give the kid a chance anymore. Now this isn't some cosmic truth, just a slice of reality. I totally respect your wanting to do things your own way and on your own time and you no doubt should do that. But try and keep in mind that life(hopefully) is long and never met with just success or only failure, it's a series of events, jobs, careers, schemes, goals,etc and you should NEVER be too old or too smart or too this or too that to start all over again and learn something new.

    If you have that attitude at 24, how are you going to feel when your TRULY old?

  • DubiousDubious 1,865 Posts
    dropping out of university carries an awfully large cultural faux pas to it...

    i came real close to doin so but then sucked it up and finished off my degree... that said i was left with a large debt which i eventually paid off.... i've yet to find a single job that had anything to do with my degree..

    my wife managed to go all the way through and finish her masters... she's saddled with a 20K + debt that she will never ever pay off.. never found any work related to her degree.. and is now getting out of the field completly ...

    i hate to say it but school is pretty much bullshit if you ask me...

    if i had the 15k i owed and the 20k my wife does REAL WORLD moves would be goin down... but instead we get to live under a massive cloud of debt because we did the right thing and finished our degrees... We're both 30 years old ... we own no car, have no savings, and will probably never own property... all because we owe too much money for our educations.

    as much as education is important you have to remember that a university is a buisiness just like any other.


  • batmonbatmon 27,574 Posts
    as much as education is important you have to remember that a university is a buisiness just like any other.

    You got that right!

  • ariel_calmerariel_calmer 3,762 Posts
    My .02.... a little different from dubious... try to get your buddy to get his BA. It's not a guarantee of anything, but if you're one semester away, that's nothing. You can't do shit in this world today without a college degree. Plus if he ever decides to go to grad school it's useful to have. I pushed through a computer science / fine art double major and never regretted it. (okay, a little, when friends with no degree were getting 100k software dev jobs at the peak of the tech boom) Having that background helps me every day.

    Sometimes friends need to be left alone, but sometimes they need some truth. I don't know about an "intervention" but try just being honest with your boy. If I was taking my life down a wrong path, I'd want any friend of mine to do the same for me. Even just take the attitude like "so, what are you doing in the next year/6 months?" or get him out of the house more often to meet people.

    If your friend isn't ready for it, it's not time for change to happen. I had an old friend recently who I went to school with. We were roomates for about a year all-told. He just fell out of contact and seemed really depressed. Similar situation, but no drugs, just serious depression. He was one of the guys who got me into music. There was a time he knew more about jazz and was hipping me to who marion brown and gangstarr were, things like that. But now everything he used to do for fun or fulfillment he just doesn't want to do any more. He hasn't replaced these things with anything, either, he just sits around when he's not working and has an unsatisfying job. He stagnates not for any real reason, but more like he just had trouble getting out of the house. He used to use his lifestyle to justify his lack of interest in doing things (he's pretty straight-laced). 6 months ago he basically stopped returning my phone calls... I knew he was home, he just wasn't picking up the phone. Now that's just some kind of sign. I tried to talk with him about it but he was not seeing it. I still don't know the extent of his depression because he won't talk about it. In fact we haven't talked since then. I'm not going to go to his house and make him change or call his parents or some shit, but he knows how I see things. Anyhow not to turn this story into yours.... there's no lesson here.

    Except that I feel better for saying something straight up to him rather than just letting it go.

  • Jonny_PaycheckJonny_Paycheck 17,825 Posts
    Sall about being motivated. You can do what you want. It's not impossible/improbable, if you have the drive and the vision.

    I don't get kids who can't handle college. College was fucking easy! Life is hard...

    Working for myself, in the short months I've already been at it, is harder and more stressful than anything I've ever done but is infinitely more rewarding. I can feel the loss of ambition at corporate job #1, 2 or 3. I've definitely been there.

    But if you don't take chances when you're 24, 25, 26... you never will. You will meet some wonderful girl or guy and settle down and birth/adopt chinese babies and dogs and buy Rav4 Subaru Scions and then you will have mortgage payments and pablem and preschool and aging senile parents and shit. Can't take chances then.



  • Options

    But if you don't take chances when you're 24, 25, 26... you never will




  • legendlegend 124 Posts
    You can do what you want. It's not impossible/improbable, if you have the drive and the vision.

    Working for myself, in the short months I've already been at it, is harder and more stressful than anything I've ever done but is infinitely more rewarding. I can feel the loss of ambition at corporate job #1, 2 or 3. I've definitely been there.

    But if you don't take chances when you're 24, 25, 26... you never will. You will meet some wonderful girl or guy and settle down and birth/adopt chinese babies and dogs and buy Rav4 Subaru Scions and then you will have mortgage payments and pablem and preschool and aging senile parents and shit. Can't take chances then.



    shit is hard....but as johnny said, definitely more rewarding. i should hopefully be out of my day job very soon, because more and more my day job conflicts with what i really want to do.

    and the latter part of what he says is very true....take the chances while u have the youth, the energy, and the drive to do it...24, 25...whatever. i have the drive....but i also have a full time family and bills out the azz (mortgage, car(s), babies, school tuition for school age kids, insurance, etc...etc...etc), which definitely takes away from what i can do and when i can do it. but if your hommie isn't motivated to do shit, and is just wasting time watching tv...thats on him. u got 1 life.....find what u like and do that shit. its harder for me now that i'm 36 with family for real, but it gets done.

  • Birdman9Birdman9 5,417 Posts


    shit is hard.... its harder for me now that i'm 36 with family for real, but it gets done.


  • I basically consider myself a drop-out, and soon I'll be going back for 4 more years to make 8.

    I should end up with an advanced degree...

    Thing is, I study religion.

    No money there, and the only thing I learned from my first four years was that to play the capitalist slave game is not what I want out of life.

  • Thing is, I study religion.

    No money there...


    I beg to differ!!!![/b]


  • batmonbatmon 27,574 Posts
    Sall about being motivated. You can do what you want. It's not impossible/improbable, if you have the drive and the vision.

    I don't get kids who can't handle college. College was fucking easy! Life is hard...

    My homie dropped out of Morehouse after one year cause he didny think college was the thing for him. He instead pursued music. After 15 years of bumbbling on the Hip HOP scene, he decided it was time to take some courses to learn a skill. He woke up to smell the piss once he realized he had no degree to fall back on. If someone has the motivation to follow their dreams, then more power to them.
    Alot of cats dont plan to fail but fail to plan. He wanted the easy route, back in the late 80's/early 90's when the HIPHOP industry was as flooded as it is now,but the game overtook him and he didnt get that piece of the pie.
    While he was makin beats,he refused to work a real job and securd himself somewhere. Now he is 35 trying to start over again. He made fun of me when i got a security job right out of college. I could swollow my pride just to keep some cash in my pocket. He put all his cards in the music, which didnt pan out. Never throw all your logs in one fire.

  • Big_StacksBig_Stacks "I don't worry about hittin' power, cause I don't give 'em nuttin' to hit." 4,670 Posts
    Hey,



    Guzzo, drop the "good word" on your homie once and leave it alone. What people have failed to say (at least according to the posts I've read) is that YOU have a need and vested interest in the friendship that you do not want to lose. The reality is, however, that you may have to give up this friendship. So, you gotta ask yourself is your quandry based more on your care for him or your own need for maintaining the friendship, or both? If based on care, take the tough route of leveling with him. If based on your personal need to maintain the friendship, take some time to consider the value of a friendship with a person you may not be able to respect or admire. Of what value would maintaining such a friendship be to you? If both, perhaps you may have to learn to accept him on his terms. I'm just speculating on some possibly adaptive responses to your situation.



    Now, onto those who are trying to rationalize slacking and underachievement. Some of what I read is the absolutely most self-serving and contrived BULLSHIT I've ever read. Look, a lot of these statements reflect either fear, insecurity, laziness, or perhaps, self-handicapping. See, it is a lot less damaging to one's self-esteem to blame failure on lack of trying than to blame it on a concerted effort to succeed. Also, the laziness factor kicks in because to succeed, you must be responsible and accountable. You can't be a fucking barfly and work responsibly in a career. The reality is that you cannot have it all, a carefree lifestyle and prosperity (unless you are independenty wealthy). So, the "torture" of a 9 to 5 allows you the financial means to do what you enjoy doing in your spare time. Without maturity and responsibiity, you cats will never be fully afforded this opportunity. I reiterate, the rationalizations provided here are BULLSHIT!!!!! You need to suck it up, stop acting like spoiled babies, wear the "big-kid pants", and grow the fuck up!!! Success demands sacrifice. Give me a break!!!!



    Peace,



    Big Stacks from Kakalak

  • GuzzoGuzzo 8,611 Posts
    Adam through all this you haven't indicated whether or not yall have had an honest conversation about this.

    I wouldn't call any intervention until you have a good understanding from him as to why he does what he does.

    I've attempted an hopnest conversation with him about this but he's not looking to have one.
    About 10 years back I was running with some serious knuckleheads and dude would pull me to the side and tell me that I'm being surrounded by negative shit. Sure enough a lot of these kids ended up in jail, making their way through life stealing or trapped in realtioonships they ain't happy with cause they now got kids to support.
    I thank him for helping me get on a good path. We had plans just a few years back to open our own business and it seemed that soon those plans were gonna become a reality. Then all of a sudden dude dropped out of school and essentially dropped out of life..

  • davesrecordsdavesrecords 1,802 Posts



    Your buddy sounds like he's suffers from depression.

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