Foodstrut: Anthony Bourdane on the FoodNetwork
jaymack
5,199 Posts
this guy entertains me.http://blog.ruhlman.com/2007/02/guest_blogging_.htmlGuest Blogging: A Bourdain ThrowdownNOBODY ASKED ME, BUT??????By Anthony BourdainI actually WATCH Food Network now and again, more often than not drawn in by the progressive horrors on screen. I find myself riveted by its awfulness, like watching a multi-car accident in slow motion. Mesmerized at the ascent of the Ready-Made bobblehead personalities, and the not-so-subtle shunting aside of the Old School chefs, I find myself de-constructing the not-terrible shows, imagining behind the scenes struggles and frustrations, and obsessing unhealthily on the Truly Awful ones. Screaming out loud at Sandra Lee in disbelief as she massacres another dish, then sits grinning, her face stretched into a terrifying rictus of faux cheer for the final triumphant presentation. I mourn for Mario..and Alton...Bobby and yes--even Emeril, nobly holding the fort while the TV empire he helped build crumbles like undercooked Bundt cake into a goo of Cheez Wiz around him.Some thoughts on the Newer, Younger, More Male-Oriented, More Dumb-Ass Food Network:ALTON BROWN: How did Alton slip inside the wire--and stay there all these years? He must have something on them. He???s smart. You actually learn something from his commentary. And I???ll admit it: I watch and enjoy Iron Chef America-in all its cheesy glory. Absolutely SHOCKED and thrilled when guys like Homaru Cantu show up as contestants--and delighted when Mario wins--again and again, forestalling his secretly long-planned execution. His commentary is mostly good. And that collar-bone snapping fall off the motorcycle on Feasting On Asphalt? Good television!EMERIL: I???m actually grateful when I channel surf across his show. He???s STILL there--the original Behemoth. And I STILL find him unwatchable. As much mileage as I???ve gotten over the years, making fun of Emeril; he deserves a lot more respect than I???ve given him. He does run a very successful and very decent restaurant group. He is--in fact--a really nice guy. And-as much as I hate the show-- compared to the current crop of culinary non-entities, he looks like Escoffier. He will probably be the last of the Real Chefs. I???m sure they???re growing future replacement options in petrie dishes somewhere, conducting Top Secret focus groups at suburban malls with their latest Bright Young Hopeful. I???m just glad he???s still there--a rebuke to the geniuses who brought us such Great Ideas as Dweezil and Lisa.BOBBY FLAY: They seem to have noticed Bobby???s strong ???negatives??? among some viewer responses during focus groups--and decided to respond by subjecting poor Bobby to THROWDOWN; the object of which is to allow every web-fingered geek with a backyard grill--or half-mad muffin maker to proclaim, ???I beat Bobby Flay at makin??? barbeque!??? at the heart-warming end of show--before returning to tend their meth labs.. I watched poor Bobby battle to a draw recently in some bogus Southwestern ???Chili Face-Off.??? Now???does ANYONE actually believe that Bobby Flay can???t make a better chili than a supermarket ground beef bearing amateur? I don???t. It???s a cruel exercise in humiliation. A variation on ???Dunk Bozo??? or ???Shoot The Geek,??? at the carnival. And whatever I might have thought of Flay???s previous TV efforts, I find the network???s misuse of one of their founding chefs to be nauseatingly cynical. The conspiratorial-minded might be tempted to suspect this as yet another part of the Secret Plan to rid themselves of the annoyingly big ticket chefs--by driving Bobby to quit--or insane with misery. He may not be Mr. Cuddlesworth, but he???s a successful businessman and a good chef--and he doesn???t, after all, need this shit.MARIO!Oh, Mario! Oh great one! They shut down Molto Mario--only the smartest and best of the stand-up cooking shows. Is there any more egregiously under-used, criminally mishandled, dismissively treated chef on television? Relegated to the circus of Iron Chef America, where--like a great, toothless lion, fouling his cage, he hangs on--and on--a major draw (and often the only reason to watch the show). How I would like to see him unchained, free to make the television shows he???s capable of, the Real Mario--in all his Rabelasian brilliance. How I would love to hear the snapping bones of his cruel FN ringmasters, crunching between his mighty jaws! Let us see the cloven hooves beneath those cheery clogs! Let Mario be Mario!THAT ACE OF CAKES GUY: Hey???He???s got talent! And..he seems to be a trained chef! And he???s really making food--and selling it in a real business! I think???I like it! If I have one reservation, it???s that I have no idea if the stuff actually TASTES good. It LOOKS really creative and quirky--and I???m interested but???I mean...it???s like construction going on over there from what we???re told and shown. One suspects that the producers don???t want to waste valuable time talking about anything so technical as food--on ???Food??? Network. I mean...what???s in those cakes, beneath the icing and marzipan and fondant? That said, it???s the only ???kicky, new, cutting edge, in-your-face??? hopeful they???ve managed to trot out of any quality in memory. Hope it lasts. Wait till they try and put the poor bastard on a pony--or do a ???Tailgate Special??? with the usual suspects. Or a ???Thanksgiving Special??? where he has to sit down with the bobbleheads and pretend to like it. On balance, it???s still probably the best new project they???ve come up with in a long, long time.GIADA: What???s going on here!? Giada can actually cook! She was robbed in her bout versus Rachael Ray on ICA. ROBBED! And Food Net seems more interested in her enormous head (big head equals big ratings. Really!) and her cleavage--than the fact that she???s likeable, knows what she???s doing in an Italian kitchen--and makes food you???d actually want to eat. The new high concept Weekend Getaway show is a horrible, tired re-cap of the cheap-ass ???Best Of??? and ???40 Dollar a Day??? formula. Send host to empty restaurant. Watch them make crappy food for her. Have her take a few lonely, awkward stabs at the plate, then feign enjoyment with appropriately orgasmic eye-closing and moaning..Before spitting it out and rushing to the trailer. Send her to Italy and let her cook. She???s good at it.RACHAEL: Complain all you want. It???s like railing against the pounding surf. She only grows stronger and more powerful. Her ear-shattering tones louder and louder. We KNOW she can???t cook. She shrewdly tells us so. So...what is she selling us? Really? She???s selling us satisfaction, the smug reassurance that mediocrity is quite enough. She???s a friendly, familiar face who appears regularly on our screens to tell us that ???Even your dumb, lazy ass can cook this!??? Wallowing in your own crapulence on your Cheeto-littered couch you watch her and think, ???Hell???I could do that. I ain???t gonna???but I could--if I wanted! Now where???s my damn jug a Diet Pepsi???? Where the saintly Julia Child sought to raise expectations, to enlighten us, make us better--teach us--and in fact, did, Rachael uses her strange and terrible powers to narcotize her public with her hypnotic mantra of Yummo and Evoo and Sammys. ???You???re doing just fine. You don???t even have to chop an onion--you can buy it already chopped. Aspire to nothing???Just sit there. Have another Triscuit???Sleep???.sleep???.???PAULA DEEN: I???m reluctant to bash what seems to be a nice old lady. Even if her supporting cast is beginning to look like the Hills Have Eyes--and her food a True Buffet of Horrors. A recent Hawaii show was indistinguishable from an early John Waters film. And the food on a par with the last scene of Pink Flamingos. But I???d like to see her mad. Like her look-alike, Divine in the classic, ???Female Trouble.??? Paula Deen on a Baltimore Kil
ling Spree would be something to see. Let her get Rachael in a headlock--and it???s all over.SANDRA LEE: Pure evil. This frightening Hell Spawn of Kathie Lee and Betty Crocker seems on a mission to kill her fans, one meal at a time. She Must Be Stopped. Her death-dealing can-opening ways will cut a swath of destruction through the world if not contained. I would likely be arrested if I suggested on television that any children watching should promptly go to a wooded area with a gun and harm themselves. What???s the difference between that and Sandra suggesting we fill our mouths with Ritz Crackers, jam a can of Cheez Wiz in after and press hard? None that I can see. This is simply irresponsible programming. Its only possible use might be as a psychological warfare strategy against the resurgent Taliban--or dangerous insurgent groups. A large-racked blonde repeatedly urging Afghans and angry Iraqis to stuff themseles with fatty, processed American foods might be just the weapon we need to win the war on terror.AND FINALLY: Some IRON CHEF AMERICA match-ups I???d REALLY like to see:Mario Batali (with one arm tied behind his back--and drunk) vs. Regina SchramblingMichael Ruhlman, swacked on Ripple, vs. John Mariani-- in a Charcuterie ChallengeGrant Achatz vs. That Guy In Australia Who Ripped off his recipes as his ownMarco Pierre White vs. Gordon RamsayCharlie Trotter vs. Martin Picard (Chicken Livers vs. Foie Gras)Chris Cosentino, Fergus Henderson, Martin Picard vs. Alain Passard, Roxanne Klein and Charlie Trotter (Cooked vs. Raw Challenge)Martha Stewart vs. Rachael Ray (bare knuckle cage match)Ducasse vs. Robuchon???Mikey??? from Top Chef vs. Sandra LeeVideo Gold!
ling Spree would be something to see. Let her get Rachael in a headlock--and it???s all over.SANDRA LEE: Pure evil. This frightening Hell Spawn of Kathie Lee and Betty Crocker seems on a mission to kill her fans, one meal at a time. She Must Be Stopped. Her death-dealing can-opening ways will cut a swath of destruction through the world if not contained. I would likely be arrested if I suggested on television that any children watching should promptly go to a wooded area with a gun and harm themselves. What???s the difference between that and Sandra suggesting we fill our mouths with Ritz Crackers, jam a can of Cheez Wiz in after and press hard? None that I can see. This is simply irresponsible programming. Its only possible use might be as a psychological warfare strategy against the resurgent Taliban--or dangerous insurgent groups. A large-racked blonde repeatedly urging Afghans and angry Iraqis to stuff themseles with fatty, processed American foods might be just the weapon we need to win the war on terror.AND FINALLY: Some IRON CHEF AMERICA match-ups I???d REALLY like to see:Mario Batali (with one arm tied behind his back--and drunk) vs. Regina SchramblingMichael Ruhlman, swacked on Ripple, vs. John Mariani-- in a Charcuterie ChallengeGrant Achatz vs. That Guy In Australia Who Ripped off his recipes as his ownMarco Pierre White vs. Gordon RamsayCharlie Trotter vs. Martin Picard (Chicken Livers vs. Foie Gras)Chris Cosentino, Fergus Henderson, Martin Picard vs. Alain Passard, Roxanne Klein and Charlie Trotter (Cooked vs. Raw Challenge)Martha Stewart vs. Rachael Ray (bare knuckle cage match)Ducasse vs. Robuchon???Mikey??? from Top Chef vs. Sandra LeeVideo Gold!
Comments
Co-Sign. But her rack is bangin.
Guy sucks. Ace of Cakes sucks. 40 dollars a day is played out, 30 minute meals is too but at least it's somewhat helpful and informative. Unwrapped has the most annoying host EVAR. So does The Secret Life Of... These shows would be OK without the fucking schmucks that host them. Dinner Impossible? So horrible. Nigella and Ina, ehhhh old lady cooking for snobs, not into it. I kinda liked Ham on the Street sometimes. But yeah this channell is going down the tube. All so quickly, too.
I actually like that show and the woman didn't use ground beef and had won a ton of chili cook-offs so this is just part of a rant here rather than based on facts.
On his overall opinion of the foodnetwork I gotta agree. There are less and less quality shows on there. I still have some favorites however.
I need to post that pic with Aser and Bourdane.
what happened B?????
(would be dope tho if he was on Iron Chef Vs Mario, or hell, anyone...)
Bourdain is now on the Travel Channel. I just heard him on the local NPR station doing a speech. He said when his contract was up for renewal with the Food Network they wanted more fluff and less food. He also said they didn't want him going to such foreign places, but I don't know whether that was sarcasm or seriousness. Anyway, he said the Travel Channel gave him total freedom so he went over there.
dude is on point, Alton Brown is that dude. Mikey from Top Chef should always be on tv.
anthony bourdain can be funny sometimes, but i grow tired of his literary voice rather quickly
mario can cook, but nothing he does is that interesting to me
ditto bobby flay
ditto emeril but shit is seriously uninteresting
that's about all i have to say about the food network people. anything else isn't worth mentioning as far as professional technique and product goes.
but i cook for a living, and am very serious about it. and the food network is for the average american. and of course they're trying to make these programs fun and accessable to the american public. and i don't hate on it at all. even ten years ago most americans were in the dark ages when it came to cooking good food, and enormous progress has been made in the right direction. and i don't just mean eating healthier, but a better understanding of food, and ingredients, and technique, and that it can be something fun and creative and inspiring, and that it's untimately something to be celebrated and shared. and (maybe even especially) the rachel ray's and paula dean's have done a lot to get get people excited about food even if their product isn't exactly 3 star quality. remember when lemongrass was an unknown and impossible to find commodity? i do. remember when there were two kinds of apples in the grocery store, red and green? as much as i think the people on the food network are weak, i'm glad they're there doing what they do. i just hope they don't get carried away with the competitions.
as far as jacques pepin goes...i think he's a little too old and out of the loop for what's going on right now. my old man went mushrooming with him a few months ago and tells me he's a decent guy. but as far as i'm concerned, see my comments on the celebrity chef's above.
andrew carmellini vs anyone
As the man says...Happy cooking.
I think I might slit my throat.
I eat too jack ass!
Bourdain is the man, his NW show was cool.
p.s. bourdain is so completely on point it's uncanny.
Pepin is a bad-ass from way back. His memoir "The Apprentice" is a good read. A must read for any cook, IMHO.
Bourdain pretty much summed up the FoodTV personalities, but he's got his own issues. "Kitchen Confidential" is a little irresponsible and exploitive, even though I couldn't put it down when I read it.
"Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares" is probably my all-time favorite cooking show, tied with "Good Eats."
His piece on top chef 2 (a joke, albeit an enteraining one) contestants is very on point.
http://blog.ruhlman.com/2007/01/guest_blogging_.html
plus this alone......TRUTH
good read
I was thinking about inviting Bourdain to dine with Walter Gropius and
I next week. That is so weird...
When you met him, did you say you would give up everything to travel with him?
post of the day.
Watching the french man cook right now on PBS, and got-damn this motherfucker is smooth.
MUCH RESPECT TO THE MASTER.
But, Rape said it best, so just read his post.
~~~ does not order steamed mussels any more or sushi Sun - Wed. This book has fucked up my dining experience (even more so in NYC)
bourdain's show is ok. i mean, i liked the first season a lot. but his "schtick" gets tired. and by schtick im talking about his borderline humorous voice over. he's like 1980s warren miller hot dog films voice over corny. and its weak and at times painfully unfunny.
the best cooking show ever wasnt on cable. it was on pbs. in the late 80s early 90s. it was a show called "great chefs" and it revolutionized cooking shows. it was the first cooking show that took the camera out of the studio kitchen and into an actual working restaurant kitchen. it was full on no bullshit. here's the chef. here's the city he works in. here's his restaurant. here's him at work. no fucken backstory. no witty banter. i had never really seen the inside of a restaurant kitchen up until that point. it was truly badass.
http://www.youtube.com/user/GreatChefs
this isnt even the full series. this is the later stuff from the 90s. the earlier stuff was a little better, but by the time they called it "great chefs" they had a winning formula.