It's interesting to me that many men seem to think it's an either/or thing.
I would have to say, 9 out of 10 of the girls I hang out with regularly are super hot, 5 out of 10 are super smart, 8 out of 10 are not heartbreakers, and 10 out of 10 are insanely cool. They are all "good" and "hot". I think this dichotomy must be something men make up to feel better about the fact that many of them can't hold onto the great girls due to their own shortcomings, failures, and DRAMA. That's right, men can be dramatic superheadaches too...
thats what im saying. different ladies are different things to different people. lily apparently likes 10 out of 10 females?
It's interesting to me that many men seem to think it's an either/or thing.
I would have to say, 9 out of 10 of the girls I hang out with regularly are super hot, 5 out of 10 are super smart, 8 out of 10 are not heartbreakers, and 10 out of 10 are insanely cool. They are all "good" and "hot". I think this dichotomy must be something men make up to feel better about the fact that many of them can't hold onto the great girls due to their own shortcomings, failures, and DRAMA. That's right, men can be dramatic superheadaches too...
Super hot, super smart, insanely cool girls can still be heartbreakers! haha.
I think guys know what they mean when they draw the lines drawn in this thread, but I'm not sure it translates quite so well. Women tend to look at other women differently, girls NEVER want to believe that their friend might be a) crazy b) a heartbreaker or c) trifling.
I can't speak for other men, but I'm very glad to be where I am. Things could be a lot worse, considering some of the girls I could've potentially ended up with. We've all got shortcomings, it's less about compensating for them than finding someone who understands and compliments them.
When you know, you know... when she comes along, you'll know.
do all y'all happily married dudes agree with this?
because i've struggled so many times with the question of whether this is true. i guess i'm kind of like Herm- i've had enough girls who were great on paper and who would've answered 'YES' to me in an instant, but it never felt so right to me that i wanted to ask the question. in fact, i'm in that situation AGAIN right now! at the same time, i desperately DON'T want to be the weird lonely old dude.
Ok, just to clarify. I have nothing against the institution of marriage. Just that I don't understand why one would go into a relationship thinking about marriage...I'm saying, I don't think there needs to be a conscious choice made between the Trophy Wife or the Good Babe, rather you get into a relationship based on how your feeling at the time and then down the road maybe it turns into marriage, maybe it don't.
I hear you, but it's totally possible... It's funny that he suggests you can't have both.....
and Rey, yes of course they all may have a bit of 'crazy' in them but I think that's an important trait of women , and guys like that shit..
I'm sure women think we are crazy in our own way too.
HarveyCanal"a distraction from my main thesis." 13,234 Posts
I feel like I scored both in one.
I also feel like I lost both in one.
After 15 years together and 9 years of marriage, we've now been separated for 3 months. And despite looking high and low, I'm not seeing anyone out there who isn't already attached to someone who even compares. I know 3 months is nothing, but in a town this vibrant you would think I would at least have a healthy list of candidates...but not really.
Point being, I think I really need to figure out a way to win my wife back.
(Please don't throw anything at me through your screen, Batmon.)
Actually, I'm in a good spot now where I think I'll be able to comfortably accept the way this ish turns out in either direction.
But if the divorce does indeed happen in full, I can't say that I'd ever want to get married again. But if I do, best believe I'm going to find the most non-confrontational, optimistic woman (that's also smart and fun and looks good) that I can possibly find.
So please to create a new category...not along the lines of trophy-piece or good-girl, but instead let's call it: LEAST CRAZY.
After 15 years together and 9 years of marriage, we've now been separated for 3 months. And despite looking high and low, I'm not seeing anyone out there who isn't already attached to someone who even compares. I know 3 months is nothing, but in a town this vibrant you would think I would at least have a healthy list of candidates...but not really.
Point being, I think I really need to figure out a way to win my wife back.
(Please don't throw anything at me through your screen, Batmon.)
Actually, I'm in a good spot now where I think I'll be able to comfortably accept the way this ish turns out in either direction.
But if the divorce does indeed happen in full, I can't say that I'd ever want to get married again. But if I do, best believe I'm going to find the most non-confrontational, optimistic woman (that's also smart and fun and looks good) that I can possibly find.
So please to create a new category...not along the lines of trophy-piece or good-girl, but instead let's call it: LEAST CRAZY.
Its totally cool u want to mend thangs w/ the wife. Go For It! Its gonna 10x harder and way more rewarding when u do.
Try being her friend again first and then go for the gold.
I would have to say, 9 out of 10 of the girls I hang out with regularly are super hot, 5 out of 10 are super smart, 8 out of 10 are not heartbreakers, and 10 out of 10 are insanely cool. They are all "good" and "hot".
Post Pics or ur Soft!
HarveyCanal"a distraction from my main thesis." 13,234 Posts
Try being her friend again first and then go for the gold.
Yep, this is already under way. The tricky part right now is making headway in the friend department and then not getting all overexcited that it's a sign that I'm also making headway in the romantic department. But I guess that just gets filed in the 10Xs harder drawer.
Ok, just to clarify. I have nothing against the institution of marriage. Just that I don't understand why one would go into a relationship thinking about marriage...I'm saying, I don't think there needs to be a conscious choice made between the Trophy Wife or the Good Babe, rather you get into a relationship based on how your feeling at the time and then down the road maybe it turns into marriage, maybe it don't.
I don't think people are suggesting anything different from what you just wrote. Stacks' original point was more philosophical and reflective than some kind of proscription for how to find a wife (either that or he's working on being the next Tyler Perry and his first film will be called "Trophy Piece or the Good Babe".)
Re: the institution of marriage - neither myself nor my then-girlfriend-now-wife had much invested in the idea of being *married* (as opposed to simply being committed to one another).
Then we got pregnant (and not by planning).
After that, marriage became miniscule in relative importance. Married, not married, it didn't really matter - we were bonded for life regardless. So we opted to get married - me, because I figured, "why the hell not at this point?" and she because she was concerned I didn't have health insurance.
Not exactly fairytale but so far, it's been great - not marriage per se, but being a family.
Try being her friend again first and then go for the gold.
Yep, this is already under way. The tricky part right now is making headway in the friend department and then not getting all overexcited that it's a sign that I'm also making headway in the romantic department. But I guess that just gets filed in the 10Xs harder drawer.
It might take a minute. If ur fakin like your her friend to reallt get back w/ her that might spoil the vibe. I wouldnt make wifin her again the end-goal, even if thats what u really want.
Just be cool and shit. Applying pressure can kill shit. She might be scurred off if u seem like ur mad desperate.
HarveyCanal"a distraction from my main thesis." 13,234 Posts
Try being her friend again first and then go for the gold.
Yep, this is already under way. The tricky part right now is making headway in the friend department and then not getting all overexcited that it's a sign that I'm also making headway in the romantic department. But I guess that just gets filed in the 10Xs harder drawer.
It might take a minute. If ur fakin like your her friend to reallt get back w/ her that might spoil the vibe. I wouldnt make wifin her again the end-goal, even if thats what u really want.
Just be cool and shit. Applying pressure can kill shit. She might be scurred off if u seem like ur mad desperate.
Yep, all fully understood...but very difficult to implement with the cool detachment that the situation calls for. At least we're not at each other's throats though like we were not so long ago.
Man and I are not interested in getting married. When we started to get serious, I told him it wasn???t important to me so he knew I wasn???t one of those ???Where are we going with this??? When are we getting married???????? gals. You gotta do what you feel is right for the two of you. I understand why people do it and that it can mean a change in the relationship, but I do not believe it fundamentally makes it more meaningful or deep or real or secure. Anyone who would be at our wedding knows us and where we???re at, that???s about as much announcement we need. In the 10 years we???ve been together, we have been through pretty much the same things married folk go through, that???s going to happen when you spend that much time and intimacy with the same person no matter what category you???re in come tax time. And my parents are still together after almost 40 years and they???re a very good unit, so it???s not about that. I will say that if it came down to it, we???re getting registered at the city???s best A/V equipment store!!
Lily nailed it on the false dichotomy between the "trophy piece" and the "good babe." That is some patriarchal sexist "smart women can't be hot" and "hot women can't be smart" b.s. that I can't and won't subscribe to. I know basically where the dude is coming from, but that doesn't mean it's not some b.s.
When it comes to choosing a person to marry, the bottom line has little or nothing to do with how the person looks. By the time that marriage is a matter of contemplation for anyone in this culture, there has generally already been at least some expression of mutual attraction that is based, usually, somewhat on appearance. (This may be changing with the advent and increasing popularity of internet romances, but there still has to be that moment when you cross over from the virtual romance to the real world, and if the person you've been all hot and heavy with on the zeros and ones makes you gag a little when you see him or her, don't go through with it!!!) Assuming that the person gives you at least a little fire in your loins, the real bottom line is you have to love and TRUST your partner completely.
Most marriages dissolve through failures of communication, which in turn are failures of trust. Folks stop communicating because they stop trusting their partner to be loving and supportive in response. And then by the time communication attempts are resumed -- too much time and shit has gone by that you just can't get back to that place you were on your wedding day. (Sorry to hear about your marital troubles harveycanal -- hope you can get things worked out)
But as others have said, marriage is a pretty amazing institution to affiliate your relationship with. Even if you have been together with your partner for seven years before you get married (as I was), becoming married and being married nonetheless changes your relationship.
There's the legal comfort that BigStacks was talking about.
There's the public commitment and affirmation part that Johnny and others were talking about.
But then there's the cultural legitimacy that is conferred upon your relationship in the public sphere. While this may be b.s. from a political and philosophical perspective, it is nonetheless very real. And the examples that end up making the difference can be extraordinarily mundane: the person at the rental car counter ("yes, my wife will also be a driver on the car" gets a vastly different reaction than "yes, my girlfriend will also be a driver on the car"); the person at the hotel checkin ("my wife will be staying as well" vs. "my girlfriend is staying in the room, too").
We don't have any concept for a legitimate romantic partnership among adults in our culture -- or even our vocabulary -- other than marriage. I think that's a cultural flaw and a cultural weakness, as there are many other forms that relationships can take that are not marriage. But the fact remains that all of those other forms of relationship that are not marriage are not conferred any broad cultural legitimacy.
Marriage is hegemonic, and discriminatory, and arguably, therefore, evil. But when and if you capitulate to it, the institution itself has a deeply powerful legitimizing effect on your relationship in this culture. And this is why it's such a big deal for folks who love and are committed to each other to be able to access that legitimation, and why those who are opposed to gay marriage are so fiercely opposed. Although the debate is usually framed in less careful language, at bottom it is about the level of legitimacy that our society is willing to confer upon gay and lesbian couples who are just as married (or moreso) than the straight ones.
Let all loving partners legitimate their relationship in the eyes of the law.
In retrospect, my good girl is not that good, so I shoulda prefaced my statements. She has: -Borrowed a large sum of money from me which she hasn't paid back (while finding a way to go to Disney becuz she "already had paid for it") -Does not trust me -Has psychological issues -Has a psychopathic mother -Has trouble "working" and "keeping" said work So yeah. I think I'm just fooling myself. My friends and fam are like get rid of her. I dunno why I continue to tell the truth. More than anything else, I hate her fam, particularly her mom. Not to hijack, but anyone have thoughts/experiences on that? Peace T.N.
My wife and I originally never even thought about marriage. We were together for 15 years before we married 3 years ago and we only did it for taxes, insurance and for me getting a diplomatic passport. My wife really wasn't too happy about getting married, while I ever since have been secretly enjoying the feeling of being more secure against abandonment. She's not only a Trophy Wife and a Good Babe rolled into one, she's also my soul mate as cheesy as this may sound and the only thing I'm really afraid of is to ever be without her.
In retrospect, my good girl is not that good, so I shoulda prefaced my statements. She has: -Borrowed a large sum of money from me which she hasn't paid back (while finding a way to go to Disney becuz she "already had paid for it") -Does not trust me -Has psychological issues -Has a psychopathic mother -Has trouble "working" and "keeping" said work So yeah. I think I'm just fooling myself. My friends and fam are like get rid of her. I dunno why I continue to tell the truth. More than anything else, I hate her fam, particularly her mom. Not to hijack, but anyone have thoughts/experiences on that? Peace T.N.
this sounds horrible... why would you want to be with someone who doesn't trust you? You "hate her mom"... that's just crazy... I mean I'm fully aware of the ridiculousness of giving relationship advice on a (record) internet forum but don't waste any valuable time of your life with someone you're not 100% happy with.
Don't listen if people say "you'll never find 100%" because you can.
1) I'll second/third/fourth the idea that trophy v. good is some ridiculous shit. The worst-case scenario is that these dudes actually believe in the validity of applying what is essentially a ground-level retail philosophy (fancy v. reliable) to complex human romantic relationships; the best-case is that they're trying to make themselves feel better about settling for someone that they feel in their heart of hearts is either hot but shitty or not-hot but great. Either way, it's a chump move.
2) Marriage isn't for everyone, but when it does come to choosing a person to marry, there should be some element of choicelessness, really--"I have got to marry this person." If you think that you could either marry this person or not marry this person, you should probably not.
3) Weddings are (or should be) far less about the couple than about the assembled people.
4) Picking up the original article writer's secondary point: Anyone who doesn't think guys do not at least in part dress for other guys is an idiot.
Some of you newlywed dudes or whatever, need to check in after you've had a couple of kids. It's a whole other dynamic and romance goes out the window. Still... I married the right woman, but when you're not getting as much as you used to or you get less attention than you used to, suddenly you start fantasizing about the trophy hotties.
Makes you think that monogamy is a farce... cause it this was 200 years a go... people would be f*cking whoever they want without guilt and social repercussions.
With that said... I am super glad that I am 33 and not at some bar with a wing man or combing the Internet.
I think there's a third way to look at the trophy v. good dichotomy, though (which is kind of how I've always thought of it in my mind).
Some girls make you feel really hot or dangerous, bad-ass, or whatever. Other girls are more like a "steady" thing. Not exactly yer Old Reliable Buick but not a corvette with flames down the sides.
If you don't feel like your wife is a trophy in some sense, then that's really unfortunate. But there's a different dichotomy both men and women deal with when it comes to running hot and cool.
Don't listen if people say "you'll never find 100%" because you can.
No offense Frank but I call absolute bullshit on this. Any relationship is a compromise.
That said, The Non needs to get the F*ck out. There's no compromising with most of what you just laid out (though "psychotic mothers" wouldn't be a deal-breaker given that most people I know have psychotic mothers).
In retrospect, my good girl is not that good, so I shoulda prefaced my statements. She has: -Borrowed a large sum of money from me which she hasn't paid back (while finding a way to go to Disney becuz she "already had paid for it") -Does not trust me -Has psychological issues -Has a psychopathic mother -Has trouble "working" and "keeping" said work So yeah. I think I'm just fooling myself. My friends and fam are like get rid of her. I dunno why I continue to tell the truth. More than anything else, I hate her fam, particularly her mom. Not to hijack, but anyone have thoughts/experiences on that? Peace T.N.
Some of you newlywed dudes or whatever, need to check in after you've had a couple of kids. It's a whole other dynamic and romance goes out the window. Still... I married the right woman, but when you're not getting as much as you used to or you get less attention than you used to, suddenly you start fantasizing about the trophy hotties.
Makes you think that monogamy is a farce... cause it this was 200 years a go... people would be f*cking whoever they want without guilt and social repercussions.
With that said... I am super glad that I am 33 and not at some bar with a wing man or combing the Internet.
I co-sign on every statement above to the nth degree except...
I'm not sure if 200 years ago, there was no such thing as monogamy. Pretty sure infidelity could get you (if you're a woman) executed in many societies.
I do agree that monogamy is a farce. The expectation of monogamy sets up many otherwise good, wholesome, functional relationships to fail on the basis of a single indiscretion. Makes no sense except that it's simply the logic we all grew up with and we're invested in it out of habit. But that's a whole other topic...
With that said... I am super glad that I am 33 and not at some bar with a wing man or combing the Internet.
understandable. one woman at home is worth two in the street.
single or married, there's always gonna be SOME aspect that make you glad youre not on the other side...there may be somebody whose going "i am super glad that im not married with two kids running around"
Don't listen if people say "you'll never find 100%" because you can.
No offense Frank but I call absolute bullshit on this. Any relationship is a compromise.
That said, The Non needs to get the F*ck out. There's no compromising with most of what you just laid out (though "psychotic mothers" wouldn't be a deal-breaker given that most people I know have psychotic mothers).
As far as mutual trust and honesty goes, there's no room for compromise. What I mean with 100% is to be totally sure that something feels right all around. At least in my limited experience, if there are some small problems you have with a partner, those aren't eventually disappear because you find some sort of compromise, You might think this is working but at some point those problems are going to re-appear and become bigger. I'd never compromise when it comes to the person you share your life with. It either feels 100% right or it's a waste of time.
Don't listen if people say "you'll never find 100%" because you can.
No offense Frank but I call absolute bullshit on this. Any relationship is a compromise.
That said, The Non needs to get the F*ck out. There's no compromising with most of what you just laid out (though "psychotic mothers" wouldn't be a deal-breaker given that most people I know have psychotic mothers).
As far as mutual trust and honesty goes, there's no room for compromise.
What I mean with 100% is to be totally sure that something feels right all around. At least in my limited experience, if there are some small problems you have with a partner, those aren't eventually disappear because you find some sort of compromise, You might think this is working but at some point those problems are going to re-appear and become bigger. I'd never compromise when it comes to the person you share your life with. It either feels 100% right or it's a waste of time.
you're lucky if it's worked out this way for you; the way you envision a relationship.
but by this philosophy, there will be a lot of lonely people in the world. Nevermind a wife or BF, but no regular friends either. People aren't perfect, there should always be room for mistakes, improvements, progression and evolution in a relationship.....and in the individual too.
Frank: maybe we're talking about two different things. I think trust is pretty fundamental so yeah, it doesn't make sense to pair up with someone you don't unconditionally trust.
But plenty of perfectly happy, functional relationships can survive "small problems". The fact that a lot of people don't like their in-laws, for example? Hella common but hardly a deal-breaker.
But even more than that, I don't always feel 100% about my relationship and I'm sure my wife doesn't either but it seems unreasonable to think that we're always going to be 100% in synch with one another. The compromise is simply accepting the fact that living with someone - permanently - is a difficult endeavor and you have to be willing to accept some degree of compromise in order to enjoy the 90% that does work.
Comments
thats what im saying. different ladies are different things to different people. lily apparently likes 10 out of 10 females?
Super hot, super smart, insanely cool girls can still be heartbreakers! haha.
I think guys know what they mean when they draw the lines drawn in this thread, but I'm not sure it translates quite so well. Women tend to look at other women differently, girls NEVER want to believe that their friend might be a) crazy b) a heartbreaker or c) trifling.
I can't speak for other men, but I'm very glad to be where I am. Things could be a lot worse, considering some of the girls I could've potentially ended up with. We've all got shortcomings, it's less about compensating for them than finding someone who understands and compliments them.
do all y'all happily married dudes agree with this?
because i've struggled so many times with the question of whether this is true. i guess i'm kind of like Herm- i've had enough girls who were great on paper and who would've answered 'YES' to me in an instant, but it never felt so right to me that i wanted to ask the question. in fact, i'm in that situation AGAIN right now!
at the same time, i desperately DON'T want to be the weird lonely old dude.
I hear you, but it's totally possible... It's funny that he suggests you can't have both.....
and Rey, yes of course they all may have a bit of 'crazy' in them but I think that's an important trait of women , and guys like that shit..
I'm sure women think we are crazy in our own way too.
I also feel like I lost both in one.
After 15 years together and 9 years of marriage, we've now been separated for 3 months. And despite looking high and low, I'm not seeing anyone out there who isn't already attached to someone who even compares. I know 3 months is nothing, but in a town this vibrant you would think I would at least have a healthy list of candidates...but not really.
Point being, I think I really need to figure out a way to win my wife back.
(Please don't throw anything at me through your screen, Batmon.)
Actually, I'm in a good spot now where I think I'll be able to comfortably accept the way this ish turns out in either direction.
But if the divorce does indeed happen in full, I can't say that I'd ever want to get married again. But if I do, best believe I'm going to find the most non-confrontational, optimistic woman (that's also smart and fun and looks good) that I can possibly find.
So please to create a new category...not along the lines of trophy-piece or good-girl, but instead let's call it: LEAST CRAZY.
Its totally cool u want to mend thangs w/ the wife. Go For It!
Its gonna 10x harder and way more rewarding when u do.
Try being her friend again first and then go for the gold.
I think this is where many marriages originally began.
And many failed (though temporarily satisfying) jump-offs began too.
Post Pics or ur Soft!
Yep, this is already under way. The tricky part right now is making headway in the friend department and then not getting all overexcited that it's a sign that I'm also making headway in the romantic department. But I guess that just gets filed in the 10Xs harder drawer.
I don't think people are suggesting anything different from what you just wrote. Stacks' original point was more philosophical and reflective than some kind of proscription for how to find a wife (either that or he's working on being the next Tyler Perry and his first film will be called "Trophy Piece or the Good Babe".)
Re: the institution of marriage - neither myself nor my then-girlfriend-now-wife had much invested in the idea of being *married* (as opposed to simply being committed to one another).
Then we got pregnant (and not by planning).
After that, marriage became miniscule in relative importance. Married, not married, it didn't really matter - we were bonded for life regardless. So we opted to get married - me, because I figured, "why the hell not at this point?" and she because she was concerned I didn't have health insurance.
Not exactly fairytale but so far, it's been great - not marriage per se, but being a family.
It might take a minute. If ur fakin like your her friend to reallt get back w/ her that might spoil the vibe. I wouldnt make wifin her again the end-goal, even if thats what u really want.
Just be cool and shit. Applying pressure can kill shit. She might be scurred off if u seem like ur mad desperate.
Yep, all fully understood...but very difficult to implement with the cool detachment that the situation calls for. At least we're not at each other's throats though like we were not so long ago.
Anyone who would be at our wedding knows us and where we???re at, that???s about as much announcement we need. In the 10 years we???ve been together, we have been through pretty much the same things married folk go through, that???s going to happen when you spend that much time and intimacy with the same person no matter what category you???re in come tax time.
And my parents are still together after almost 40 years and they???re a very good unit, so it???s not about that.
I will say that if it came down to it, we???re getting registered at the city???s best A/V equipment store!!
When it comes to choosing a person to marry, the bottom line has little or nothing to do with how the person looks. By the time that marriage is a matter of contemplation for anyone in this culture, there has generally already been at least some expression of mutual attraction that is based, usually, somewhat on appearance. (This may be changing with the advent and increasing popularity of internet romances, but there still has to be that moment when you cross over from the virtual romance to the real world, and if the person you've been all hot and heavy with on the zeros and ones makes you gag a little when you see him or her, don't go through with it!!!) Assuming that the person gives you at least a little fire in your loins, the real bottom line is you have to love and TRUST your partner completely.
Most marriages dissolve through failures of communication, which in turn are failures of trust. Folks stop communicating because they stop trusting their partner to be loving and supportive in response. And then by the time communication attempts are resumed -- too much time and shit has gone by that you just can't get back to that place you were on your wedding day. (Sorry to hear about your marital troubles harveycanal -- hope you can get things worked out)
But as others have said, marriage is a pretty amazing institution to affiliate your relationship with. Even if you have been together with your partner for seven years before you get married (as I was), becoming married and being married nonetheless changes your relationship.
There's the legal comfort that BigStacks was talking about.
There's the public commitment and affirmation part that Johnny and others were talking about.
But then there's the cultural legitimacy that is conferred upon your relationship in the public sphere. While this may be b.s. from a political and philosophical perspective, it is nonetheless very real. And the examples that end up making the difference can be extraordinarily mundane: the person at the rental car counter ("yes, my wife will also be a driver on the car" gets a vastly different reaction than "yes, my girlfriend will also be a driver on the car"); the person at the hotel checkin ("my wife will be staying as well" vs. "my girlfriend is staying in the room, too").
We don't have any concept for a legitimate romantic partnership among adults in our culture -- or even our vocabulary -- other than marriage. I think that's a cultural flaw and a cultural weakness, as there are many other forms that relationships can take that are not marriage. But the fact remains that all of those other forms of relationship that are not marriage are not conferred any broad cultural legitimacy.
Marriage is hegemonic, and discriminatory, and arguably, therefore, evil. But when and if you capitulate to it, the institution itself has a deeply powerful legitimizing effect on your relationship in this culture. And this is why it's such a big deal for folks who love and are committed to each other to be able to access that legitimation, and why those who are opposed to gay marriage are so fiercely opposed. Although the debate is usually framed in less careful language, at bottom it is about the level of legitimacy that our society is willing to confer upon gay and lesbian couples who are just as married (or moreso) than the straight ones.
Let all loving partners legitimate their relationship in the eyes of the law.
Married and happy.
JRoot
-Borrowed a large sum of money from me which she hasn't paid back (while finding a way to go to Disney becuz she "already had paid for it")
-Does not trust me
-Has psychological issues
-Has a psychopathic mother
-Has trouble "working" and "keeping" said work
So yeah. I think I'm just fooling myself. My friends and fam are like get rid of her. I dunno why I continue to tell the truth. More than anything else, I hate her fam, particularly her mom. Not to hijack, but anyone have thoughts/experiences on that?
Peace
T.N.
this sounds horrible...
why would you want to be with someone who doesn't trust you?
You "hate her mom"... that's just crazy... I mean I'm fully aware of the ridiculousness of giving relationship advice on a (record) internet forum but don't waste any valuable time of your life with someone you're not 100% happy with.
Don't listen if people say "you'll never find 100%" because you can.
Four things:
1) I'll second/third/fourth the idea that trophy v. good is some ridiculous shit. The worst-case scenario is that these dudes actually believe in the validity of applying what is essentially a ground-level retail philosophy (fancy v. reliable) to complex human romantic relationships; the best-case is that they're trying to make themselves feel better about settling for someone that they feel in their heart of hearts is either hot but shitty or not-hot but great. Either way, it's a chump move.
2) Marriage isn't for everyone, but when it does come to choosing a person to marry, there should be some element of choicelessness, really--"I have got to marry this person." If you think that you could either marry this person or not marry this person, you should probably not.
3) Weddings are (or should be) far less about the couple than about the assembled people.
4) Picking up the original article writer's secondary point: Anyone who doesn't think guys do not at least in part dress for other guys is an idiot.
Makes you think that monogamy is a farce... cause it this was 200 years a go... people would be f*cking whoever they want without guilt and social repercussions.
With that said... I am super glad that I am 33 and not at some bar with a wing man or combing the Internet.
Some girls make you feel really hot or dangerous, bad-ass, or whatever. Other girls are more like a "steady" thing. Not exactly yer Old Reliable Buick but not a corvette with flames down the sides.
If you don't feel like your wife is a trophy in some sense, then that's really unfortunate. But there's a different dichotomy both men and women deal with when it comes to running hot and cool.
Wait this happens after you have kids?
No offense Frank but I call absolute bullshit on this. Any relationship is a compromise.
That said, The Non needs to get the F*ck out. There's no compromising with most of what you just laid out (though "psychotic mothers" wouldn't be a deal-breaker given that most people I know have psychotic mothers).
Does the good outweigh the bad?
I co-sign on every statement above to the nth degree except...
I'm not sure if 200 years ago, there was no such thing as monogamy. Pretty sure infidelity could get you (if you're a woman) executed in many societies.
I do agree that monogamy is a farce. The expectation of monogamy sets up many otherwise good, wholesome, functional relationships to fail on the basis of a single indiscretion. Makes no sense except that it's simply the logic we all grew up with and we're invested in it out of habit. But that's a whole other topic...
understandable. one woman at home is worth two in the street.
single or married, there's always gonna be SOME aspect that make you glad youre not on the other side...there may be somebody whose going "i am super glad that im not married with two kids running around"
What I mean with 100% is to be totally sure that something feels right all around.
At least in my limited experience, if there are some small problems you have with a partner, those aren't eventually disappear because you find some sort of compromise, You might think this is working but at some point those problems are going to re-appear and become bigger. I'd never compromise when it comes to the person you share your life with. It either feels 100% right or it's a waste of time.
you're lucky if it's worked out this way for you; the way you envision a relationship.
but by this philosophy, there will be a lot of lonely people in the world. Nevermind a wife or BF, but no regular friends either. People aren't perfect, there should always be room for mistakes, improvements, progression and evolution in a relationship.....and in the individual too.
But plenty of perfectly happy, functional relationships can survive "small problems". The fact that a lot of people don't like their in-laws, for example? Hella common but hardly a deal-breaker.
But even more than that, I don't always feel 100% about my relationship and I'm sure my wife doesn't either but it seems unreasonable to think that we're always going to be 100% in synch with one another. The compromise is simply accepting the fact that living with someone - permanently - is a difficult endeavor and you have to be willing to accept some degree of compromise in order to enjoy the 90% that does work.