Father and Son falling out (RR)
Funky_Mimizu
631 Posts
Ok... Got a bit of a dilemma.I haven't been in touch with my father for over 5 years. We haven't spoke, letters and emails went unanswered, etc...The other day while cleaning out an old email account, I found his email address, and since I didn't really expect to get a reply, I figured I'd email him to see if the account was still active.Anyhow, I got a reply. He'd seemed genuinely sorry that things haven't worked out as well as they could have... Wondered what had happened, but was happy that I had mailed him.Now, while I'm not about to automatically let by-gones be by-gones, I'm also not one to hold a grudge. I don't think it's possible to automatically be buddies, but I guess I don't hate the guy. Here's where the dilemma comes in. When he asked me what I had been up, I mentioned I was in Japan, and that I was coming home soon... I had collected a shitload of records here, and was worried about how I was gonna get them home.I honestly wasn't fishing for a money hand-out! Anyhow, in his reply, he mentions that he has his collection stored at his shop, and he offers it to me... I guess a peace gesture... He even says, he'd pay to have them shipped to me. Now, I know he's got dope records. He is a music fanatic, a guitar player, and his collection, which I've seen one time, is large... and includes everything... Jazz, blues, funk, rock... I really want it. But is it right to say yes? Is accepting his collection an automatic acceptence of him never really being a father? It the offering of the collection an apology, and would the subsequent acceptance be an acceptance of that apology...? If I take it, do I have to start sending birthday cards and such?Any input would be appreciated...Peace...FNM
Comments
go back pay him a visit, get him out to a nice dinner and catch up.
then when he brings up the record issue again, just tell him how you feel and let things happen.
Dude lives in Key West, Florida... I ain't about to make a special trip down there, when he has not visited me once in 28 years!
If he wasn't so far, I would do it...
Anyhow... so you're saying I shouldn't take the records?
Peace...
FNM
Also, would you rather have the collection now or when he dies? Now is better, I think. Good luck. Not an easy situation, but one I can relate to.
There was a Rivers of My Father thread on here some years ago that had a very similar sentiment. I don't remember if you remember it, and it's gone now, but, for what it's worth, that thread had some juice, man.
I am in a similar situation with my father. He couldn't give a fuck about me for the first thirty years of my life (abuse, cheated on mom, ran out on us, disowned me, pointed guns and made threats, skimped on alimony, then just disappeared). I had all but forgot about him when he landed on death's door and reached out to me for the first time in my life. In the spirit of forgiveness, I reached back, and we spent some time together.
I learned that the gesture is the first, and easiest part for both parties. It's a relief. It's instantly gratifying. Marked progress, you know? It's what comes next that causes all the trouble. But what comes next is where all the actual progress lies.
I don't know about your dad, but mine is old, and has a very hard time talking about emotions. I've reached out to him a few times before, when I was a teenager and again when I was 21, and he feigned interest. This time, though, it was him making an effort. I found that significant. Unfortunately, he couldn't do much more. I watched him painfully dance around the subject the four days we spent together, talking about anything except the thing, yaoming? It was kinda the worst four days of my life.
What he did, though, was try to throw money at the problem. Hundred dollar bills everywhere. Talking about "the jaguar" and "let's rent a helicopter for the day." It was pretty see-through, and I declined all his offers. After the visit, he'd call once in a while, always offering money, always avoiding the thing.
He never had the heart to talk about the thirty years of silence. I never bothered to force the issue. I made my peace years ago, and I am not going to keep begging. Pleading for his attention is what you do when you're a teenager who needs a dad. When you are your own man, and you've never had a father, you don't need him. It'd be nice, sure. But let's be clear, at this point, it's almost more trouble than it's worth. Especially if one of us isn't willing to carry his share of the weight.
Eventually, I realized the only thing my dad could do for me was be generous. He couldn't talk, and there wasn't a lot of dad-like advice to be given, so I accepted one of his offers. The next time we talked he asked if I got the money and what I spent it on. I told him I gave most of it to my mother (and reiterated that she lost her job and I had been paying her rent for the last few months). Instantly, his dinner started burning and he had to get off the phone real quick-like. The only other time I've heard from him was when he called drunk one night and I had to cut him off after an hour and just hang up.
My advice, if I may offer it, then, is to be receptive while not getting your hopes up. Talk with him, see if he actually has anything to say beyond "it's sure been a long time, hasn't it?" Be patient, his generation, generally, aren't good at acknowledging (much less discussing) the thing.
Guilt tears people apart man, good luck with your dad. It's blood and family, but it's also a lot of work. Feel free to PM me if you want to chop it up in private more than in public.
Who's gonna take the weight?
~B
Just remember that this may very well be your father reaching out to you and this could be your last chance to mend your relationship with him if things are as sour as you describe. I would attempt to reconcile with him. Worst case scenario you'll be exactly where you are now. Regret is a hell of a thing to live with.
I think my situation is a little different though. I guess what makes is different is that I NEVER had my dad there, as my parents divorced when I was like a year old. That being the case, you really can't miss what you never knew...
He fucked up a bit by not paying child support for years, and that was rough on my mom... He used to send cards and shit every year. When I was about 13, I went to visit him for the first time. It was a little wierd, but not too bad. He is a pretty cool guy, and aside from his wife being a bitch, things were fine. Went again when I was about 18, and it was allright too...
Quickly realized he could be a friend, but not really a dad, and it felt kinda wierd when he tried to be a dad. I can't blame him though for wanting to try... I went for my third and last time to visit him when I was about 22. Seriously... more than a friend than a dad, smoked with him and listened to music, went out for beers, etc...
I don't know exactly what happened after that. I think I sent some cards, and never heard back from him, he emailed once, I returned never heard back... So I just gave up. Now... I always had a suspicion that his wife had intercepted the letters or emails, and they were never delivered... But I didn't know for sure, and I felt uncomfortable making all the effort, or even worrying about it.
So... It was in that detached frame of mind that I sent the email the other day. First email in at least 5 years. Anyhow, I really don't dislike him... He's not on my world's greatest dad list, but I am sure he's been a great father to the two sons he's had with his second wife. He wasn't to me though. No hard feelings... that's just how shit goes. In fact, the scary thing, is I can see myself doing shit like that some day. Not ignoring a kid, but forgetting to send cards, call people on their birthdays, etc... I do it all the time with loved ones, even though they are in my heart and mind always.
So... In his email he said he wonders all the time where shit went south. I have no problem being on amicable terms with the guy, in fact I would prefer it... But I admit, I almost feel like if I were to, it would be letting my mother down a bit... as he kinda fucked up her situation up a bit.
So... that's a more detailed explanation.
I know I don't need him to do shit for me, I've done without all my life...
He does the same thing with money... Was asking if I needed help shipping my stuff, needed any money, etc... I DO need money, but I wouldnt take it. Records though... That seems different to me. It's something we obviously share, a love for music... and in a sense, the records could kinda be an heirloom of sorts. When I visited him years ago, they were in his house... Now they are in his shop... obviously they ain't getting used that often. Anyhow, maybe I'm just trying to rationalize it... I will try to make ammends with him I guess, but I almost feel if I don't mention the records, they will be forgotten by him, and I'll lose that chance... Haha... But I don't want to appear that I am over eager to get my hands on them...
Peace...
FNM
Bro, you just encapsulated thirty three years of my life in one paragraph... Unfortunatly my father and i have not and will never make our peace, but thats a whole 'nother thing.
Funky, take this mans advice to heart.
and as for the records? bro if they have been there this long, they aint going nowhere soon, see the offer for what it really is, do some soulsearching and decide wether you are ready for what he is offering and forget about 'stuff' for now.
ok, just my 0.02