Long-distance relationships work best if there is some sort of plan in live near or together again.
Otherwise you will end up being completely frustrated.
Not to mention completely stuck in a "future time," always described as "in X weeks when we're together again." Then, when/if you finally do live in the same place, you may find that you have a difficult time being in the present. Like Bam said, sometimes simple things make it much better.
It's rarely the case that long-distance relationships turn out to be very real. A more real relationship is one in which you really get to know each other, faults included. It's very difficult to do that over the phone line and on the long weekends you spend together doing only uber-romantic things (and boning like crazy).
Whatever you decide, I wish you luck. I've been in your shoes a few times. Make sappy mixes while you can!
I think a lot of this depends on how long the long distance is - I'm currently living 2 hrs. away from my partner while she's in school, and have been for a while now, so it can be done. Of course, we manage to see each other pretty much every weekend, so it's not that long until we see each other.
Things that I think make it easier to do:
See each other as often as possible. I manage to do this every weekend, and it would be tough I think with a lesser frequency. I'm not sure it would be possible for me personally to do a once a month type deal.
Talk a lot on the phone - you have to keep each other up on your daily lives. as boring as that may seem, it sucks to have the feeling that you're not at all involved in the other's life. Best to avoid having those coversations where you're like "who's that again?"
Live your life in two places - when I'm at her place we go out with people there, and the same when she's here. If you go visit and it's only you and them then your relationship will become increasingly separated from the rest of your lives.
So this has worked for me for a while, and I'm happy with the situation. With some effort, I think it can be done.
The only way it will work is if you are working towards living in the same city, or you travel so much that you don't really call one place home.
Everything else is just communication. And I would not enforce a monogamy policy. Give the person freedom, and give yourself some too. If you are both (truly) committed you won't stray. But I'm a romantic at heart...
Yeah, and if things aren't working out, you can always be like, "Yo, let's dead this."
The only way it will work is if you are working towards living in the same city, or you travel so much that you don't really call one place home.
Everything else is just communication. And I would not enforce a monogamy policy. Give the person freedom, and give yourself some too. If you are both (truly) committed you won't stray. But I'm a romantic at heart...
Yeah, and if things aren't working out, you can always be like, "Yo, let's dead this."
Well I find that people are more secure in a relationship when they know they have something to "fall back on"... And security is everything in long distance... as long as you keep your priorities straight. There's a lot less second guessing and a lot more value to the time spent together.
Seriously....they are possible if you have already been together and plan to be back together in a concrete time period.
The only other thing they are good for is to bone up on your romantic love poetry, cuz clearly that's the only bonin' you'll be doing.
I've been in 3 long distance relationships. 2 were wonderful, but ended, because of my incompetence, and young stupidity. I'm in one currently, and we're doing well. Though, It's tough with so many options here in the desert.
If you can handle, and are patient, and have free long distance on your phone. I reccomend.
I think the real difficult thing about ldr??s is not the time being away but the time you are together for a short time.
If there??s any troubles within the time you see each other (and there will be that??s naturally) and you don??t manage to solve it within the limited time you are together you will think and think when you don??t see her and she will think and think about it when she doesn??t see you and it may be the breaking point where you both begin to go different ways.
It??s sometimes enough to have some kind of argument and one person leaves earlier as she originally wanted to stay. (I say "she" now as exactly that happened to me but of course it??s possible both ways)
To sum it up (and to not getting stuck in language mistakes again) :
Be sure to speak about EVERYTHING and try to solve as much as possible when seeing each other eye to eye ...
The only way it will work is if you are working towards living in the same city, or you travel so much that you don't really call one place home.
Everything else is just communication. And I would not enforce a monogamy policy. Give the person freedom, and give yourself some too. If you are both (truly) committed you won't stray. But I'm a romantic at heart...
Yeah, and if things aren't working out, you can always be like, "Yo, let's dead this."
Well I find that people are more secure in a relationship when they know they have something to "fall back on"... And security is everything in long distance... as long as you keep your priorities straight. There's a lot less second guessing and a lot more value to the time spent together.
I wasn't really commenting on your advice; I was borrowing a line from the Paycheck playbook. You made quite an impression on Daniel the first time we met.
The people I know that it has worked for have very clear future goals and/or commitments. It is very hard to get know someone from long distance. Once you get together you may find that she is no tnearly the person you thik she is. If you think this could be serious, I would try live in the same city soon and see if it still feels real. No harm in trying. If this is not possible due to work or other commitments it's a pretty good sign that she is not that high of a priority. Food for thought and good luck.
PS my favorite long distance romance story goes like this. A friend of mine got divorced and was anxious to meet someone else before she got past her child bearing years. A friend hooks her up with the number 4 guy at a major, major silicon valley corporation. She lives on the east coast. She digs him, he digs her. They date for over two years and there is lots of talk about getting married and kids and pottery barn furniture. They fly all over the world, eat drink expensive wine and work out excessively. One holiday they're in Telluride at his ski house and she sees some children's toys. She asks him who they belong to. he says they are his mentor's girlfriend's kids' stuff left from their recent stay. Later (I think she was snooping) she finds passports for a woman and some kid in his bags. She confronts him and says that he is doing a favor for his mentor blah, blah, blah.
Several weeks later dude calls at the last minute to say that he has to cancel a trip to see her. Suspicious she looks up the name of the woman on the passport and finds her in Phoenix. She calls said woman and says "do you know such and such". Said woman says, "yes we've been dating for three and a half years." My friend explains that she has been seeing him for the past years. They're both freaking out. SO the woman in Phoenix tells my friend that she is supposed to fly to NYC to see the dude the next day. My friend suggests that she ought to come see her down in Maryland instead. Phoneix lady flies out to MD and they talk for hours. Turns out he has asked the Phoenix lady to marry him, promised to convert to Catholicism (he's a Hebrew) and adopt her friggin kids. Together they figured out many times where he cancelled plans with one to be with the other. Meanwhile, Phoenix lady's cell is blowing up because she has gone missing at JFK. Finally he calls my friend at home saying, "Hey how's it going. Just calling cause I've had a really rough day". Phoenix lady picks up the other extension and is listening in. For a while they switch off talking to him for several minutes, bullshitting about his stressful corporate life. Finally my friend let's it be known that Phoenix lady and her and chillin, sipping cocktails and planning his assassination. Millionaire boy is stunned and immediately starts scrambling to explain. They're not having any of it.
The ladies ending up calling his parents and recommending that he get therapy.
The happy ending is that my friend got married (to some other rich Jew, i mean the man of her dreams), is preggers and remains close with Phoenix girl.
Friendships are great, you keep them strong, you keep them going. No amount of time or space can mess that up. Other things CAN mess that up, but that's another story.
It depends on each person. But if you can commit yourself to a relationship, as Elizabeth Wolfgramm would say, make it real. Don't deal with the bullshit of the internet. Maybe I'm a sucker for love at heart, but if she is someone who you feel is worth your time, show it. Know that this is something the both of you want. Long distance can fuck it up in many situations, but don't push yourself too much, or she'll turn around and not want anything to do with you.
Test the waters if you're going to deal with things long distance, don't jump in all the way because anything can and will happen, with either of you. She may be testing you too. You're not living with her, or just dealing with her, on a regular basis, so... realize that it is long distance and know that if it's going to lead to something serious, you can play the distance game forever.
i got the pinnacle. i met this girl on the net back in like july 02 or something. just through a music forum or some shit, just got to chatting. as you do when you're in between school and other education. anyway fast forward dec 03 and she comes over for a week to stay, we already decided we like each other yadda yadda. she goes back home to america after until april when she comes again. in between that we both messed with other people, didnt really help our situation so after april visit we are exclusive. now she was in the uk with me from july 04 till july 05, and im back with her now visiting folks.. we both have a year left in school so we are apart for at least a yr.. she doesnt like where she lives (NC) that much so she is happy to at least trying to move over here. but the year apart will be cool. we will see eachother every 3 or 4 months, for sure. and talk alot. i feel liek im happy now and there is nothin i can do about this girl not being in my immediate life for a year so just run with it. hell a year isnt anything really..
Like Paychizzle said, unless you're working towards some sort of reunification down the road, it's not going to work.
Nobody ever wants to hear this, but there are so many people in this world today, and so many ways of coming in contact with them that were never available before, and especially so many ways of meeting people that think like you do, there's no reason to drag out something that should've been cut off when the person(s) departed.
Be a man (or woman) and let it go. Move on. Unless you're 95 and on your death bed, there will be another. You can do it. There are people with [i]THOUSANDS/I> of people on their AIM buddy list, MySpace friend list, or others - all through barely any effort at all. You can't tell me that with some work and some time any person couldn't weed out somebody that would be good for them. I don't even mean this in an Internet sense, I'm just saying: you can do it.
Long distance relationships: No. It hurts. Let it go. Heal. And then move on.
only had one long distance situation and it was only temporary, 6 months until I could move out to AZ with her. We spent as much time with each other while we were apart, I visted her, she visted me, we went on a vacation together and shit still fizzled, after only 6 months. I guess when you are into a person, you need said person with you.
ok, i am bringing strictly young buck knowledge to this table:
I rocked a long-distance for a year when my GF went to college and I was still in H.S....We still survive today but the whole experience was very trying...and this was no CALI to NY. She was an hour and a half away, and we saw each other pretty much every weekend.
As somsone mentioned, I think its important to involve one another in the life that you are living, instead of just hanging out ONE v. ONE when you do get together---this can be hard when you really are dying to see someone. This was not really a problem for me,as I had my base and all that back home, but I think this grew quite problematic for her,being her first year at school. She was constantly focused on that "future time" and did not really allow herself to meet new people or really have much fun at all. She grew more and more dependent on our time together as her primary source of happiness. She got depressed and it was a fucked up situation, and she ended up transferring to the school that I went to the next year.
it CAN work...but obviously it is quite dependent on the type of people you are and how much you really care about each other...we had already been together for a year and knew the ins and outs, so getting to truly know oneanother was never an issue, but i can certainly see how it could be.
as for monagamy and paychecks solution...i just dont know what to think about that...buried sexual frustration was often the driving force of many "tiffs" throughout that year, and as I said, we were still seeing each other every other weekend. but being free to attempt to engage in meaningless sex or hook ups or whatever as a means to relieving that sexual frustration...i think that could be disastrous, but i'm not speaking from experience there.
bottom line if you are super far away, regardless of how in love you are...any more than a year and things are going to get very difficult/out of sync..i think.
back in middle school when we were just a bunch of punks...my homie josh's family rented a room in their house to some nerded out guy named brian...i wasn't around when this happened, but APPARENTLY...they went into his room when he wasnt there, looking to steal money or something ( fucked up, I KNOW...13 year old rascals..) anyways they ended up finding the fleshlight...no joke...i felt bad for the dude.
back in middle school when we were just a bunch of punks...my homie josh's family rented a room in their house to some nerded out guy named brian...i wasn't around when this happened, but APPARENTLY...they went into his room when he wasnt there, looking to steal money or something ( fucked up, I KNOW...13 year old rascals..) anyways they ended up finding the fleshlight...no joke...i felt bad for the dude.
no padlock???
Your homie josh is lucky nerdy Brian didn't come after him and turn him[/b] into a fleshlight. Blecchhh.
Comments
Not to mention completely stuck in a "future time," always described as "in X weeks when we're together again." Then, when/if you finally do live in the same place, you may find that you have a difficult time being in the present. Like Bam said, sometimes simple things make it much better.
It's rarely the case that long-distance relationships turn out to be very real. A more real relationship is one in which you really get to know each other, faults included. It's very difficult to do that over the phone line and on the long weekends you spend together doing only uber-romantic things (and boning like crazy).
Whatever you decide, I wish you luck. I've been in your shoes a few times. Make sappy mixes while you can!
Things that I think make it easier to do:
See each other as often as possible. I manage to do this every weekend, and it would be tough I think with a lesser frequency. I'm not sure it would be possible for me personally to do a once a month type deal.
Talk a lot on the phone - you have to keep each other up on your daily lives. as boring as that may seem, it sucks to have the feeling that you're not at all involved in the other's life. Best to avoid having those coversations where you're like "who's that again?"
Live your life in two places - when I'm at her place we go out with people there, and the same when she's here. If you go visit and it's only you and them then your relationship will become increasingly separated from the rest of your lives.
So this has worked for me for a while, and I'm happy with the situation. With some effort, I think it can be done.
good luck
Yeah, and if things aren't working out, you can always be like, "Yo, let's dead this."
Well I find that people are more secure in a relationship when they know they have something to "fall back on"... And security is everything in long distance... as long as you keep your priorities straight. There's a lot less second guessing and a lot more value to the time spent together.
I've been in 3 long distance relationships. 2 were wonderful, but ended, because of my incompetence, and young stupidity. I'm in one currently, and we're doing well. Though, It's tough with so many options here in the desert.
If you can handle, and are patient, and have free long distance on your phone. I reccomend.
- spidey
If there??s any troubles within the time you see each other (and there will be that??s naturally) and you don??t manage to solve it within the limited time you are together you will think and think when you don??t see her and she will think and think about it when she doesn??t see you and it may be the breaking point where you both begin to go different ways.
It??s sometimes enough to have some kind of argument and one person leaves earlier as she originally wanted to stay. (I say "she" now as exactly that happened to me but of course it??s possible both ways)
To sum it up (and to not getting stuck in language mistakes again) :
Be sure to speak about EVERYTHING and try to solve as much as possible when seeing each other eye to eye ...
then I would say everything is possible !
Good luck
Seb
I wasn't really commenting on your advice; I was borrowing a line from the Paycheck playbook. You made quite an impression on Daniel the first time we met.
Now that dood is.......
PS my favorite long distance romance story goes like this. A friend of mine got divorced and was anxious to meet someone else before she got past her child bearing years. A friend hooks her up with the number 4 guy at a major, major silicon valley corporation. She lives on the east coast. She digs him, he digs her. They date for over two years and there is lots of talk about getting married and kids and pottery barn furniture. They fly all over the world, eat drink expensive wine and work out excessively. One holiday they're in Telluride at his ski house and she sees some children's toys. She asks him who they belong to. he says they are his mentor's girlfriend's kids' stuff left from their recent stay. Later (I think she was snooping) she finds passports for a woman and some kid in his bags. She confronts him and says that he is doing a favor for his mentor blah, blah, blah.
Several weeks later dude calls at the last minute to say that he has to cancel a trip to see her. Suspicious she looks up the name of the woman on the passport and finds her in Phoenix. She calls said woman and says "do you know such and such". Said woman says, "yes we've been dating for three and a half years." My friend explains that she has been seeing him for the past years. They're both freaking out. SO the woman in Phoenix tells my friend that she is supposed to fly to NYC to see the dude the next day. My friend suggests that she ought to come see her down in Maryland instead. Phoneix lady flies out to MD and they talk for hours. Turns out he has asked the Phoenix lady to marry him, promised to convert to Catholicism (he's a Hebrew) and adopt her friggin kids. Together they figured out many times where he cancelled plans with one to be with the other. Meanwhile, Phoenix lady's cell is blowing up because she has gone missing at JFK. Finally he calls my friend at home saying, "Hey how's it going. Just calling cause I've had a really rough day". Phoenix lady picks up the other extension and is listening in. For a while they switch off talking to him for several minutes, bullshitting about his stressful corporate life. Finally my friend let's it be known that Phoenix lady and her and chillin, sipping cocktails and planning his assassination. Millionaire boy is stunned and immediately starts scrambling to explain. They're not having any of it.
The ladies ending up calling his parents and recommending that he get therapy.
The happy ending is that my friend got married (to some other rich Jew, i mean the man of her dreams), is preggers and remains close with Phoenix girl.
It depends on each person. But if you can commit yourself to a relationship, as Elizabeth Wolfgramm would say, make it real. Don't deal with the bullshit of the internet. Maybe I'm a sucker for love at heart, but if she is someone who you feel is worth your time, show it. Know that this is something the both of you want. Long distance can fuck it up in many situations, but don't push yourself too much, or she'll turn around and not want anything to do with you.
Test the waters if you're going to deal with things long distance, don't jump in all the way because anything can and will happen, with either of you. She may be testing you too. You're not living with her, or just dealing with her, on a regular basis, so... realize that it is long distance and know that if it's going to lead to something serious, you can play the distance game forever.
Nobody ever wants to hear this, but there are so many people in this world today, and so many ways of coming in contact with them that were never available before, and especially so many ways of meeting people that think like you do, there's no reason to drag out something that should've been cut off when the person(s) departed.
Be a man (or woman) and let it go. Move on. Unless you're 95 and on your death bed, there will be another. You can do it.
There are people with [i]THOUSANDS/I> of people on their AIM buddy list, MySpace friend list, or others - all through barely any effort at all. You can't tell me that with some work and some time any person couldn't weed out somebody that would be good for them. I don't even mean this in an Internet sense, I'm just saying: you can do it.
Long distance relationships: No. It hurts. Let it go. Heal. And then move on.
If it's love then 3,000 miles isn't gonna break it, it may be hard, but it can work and it can actually be nice sometimes.
now I actually have to live with the fucker.
KIDDING.
pm with details, Danno. moderator a moderator.
I rocked a long-distance for a year when my GF went to college and I was still in H.S....We still survive today but the whole experience was very trying...and this was no CALI to NY. She was an hour and a half away, and we saw each other pretty much every weekend.
As somsone mentioned, I think its important to involve one another in the life that you are living, instead of just hanging out ONE v. ONE when you do get together---this can be hard when you really are dying to see someone. This was not really a problem for me,as I had my base and all that back home, but I think this grew quite problematic for her,being her first year at school. She was constantly focused on that "future time" and did not really allow herself to meet new people or really have much fun at all. She grew more and more dependent on our time together as her primary source of happiness. She got depressed and it was a fucked up situation, and she ended up transferring to the school that I went to the next year.
it CAN work...but obviously it is quite dependent on the type of people you are and how much you really care about each other...we had already been together for a year and knew the ins and outs, so getting to truly know oneanother was never an issue, but i can certainly see how it could be.
as for monagamy and paychecks solution...i just dont know what to think about that...buried sexual frustration was often the driving force of many "tiffs" throughout that year, and as I said, we were still seeing each other every other weekend. but being free to attempt to engage in meaningless sex or hook ups or whatever as a means to relieving that sexual frustration...i think that could be disastrous, but i'm not speaking from experience there.
bottom line if you are super far away, regardless of how in love you are...any more than a year and things are going to get very difficult/out of sync..i think.
may i suggest
Maybe I was wrong about this whole long distance thing.
back in middle school when we were just a bunch of punks...my homie josh's family rented a room in their house to some nerded out guy named brian...i wasn't around when this happened, but APPARENTLY...they went into his room when he wasnt there, looking to steal money or something ( fucked up, I KNOW...13 year old rascals..) anyways they ended up finding the fleshlight...no joke...i felt bad for the dude.
no padlock???
Your homie josh is lucky nerdy Brian didn't come after him and turn him[/b] into a fleshlight. Blecchhh.