How to effectively tell a guy no

AlmondAlmond 1,427 Posts
edited May 2010 in Strut Central
In order to prevent the confusion incompletejigsawpuzzle aka Zeon has been experiencing for the past 2-4 years, give or take, please give me some advice. Judging from the length of Relationship Strut, "getting the message across" seems to be a difficult thing to do. I don't exactly have to beat suiters off with a stick, but I seem to attract strange ones.A couple examples: There was this guy at my previous internship who's really cool, but I knew in first 10 seconds of meeting him that I wasn't attracted. Apparently, he knew in the first 10 seconds of meeting me that he would pursue me as well as he could in a business environment. He asks me to go with him to the driving range, I say no. Asks me to lunch like 3 days in a row, I say no, I'm not interested in going out. Told him politely that his boss prob wouldn't like him flirting with some intern down the hall so he should stop. Calls me "babe" and I tell him to never call me that again, blah blah. Starts calling me "girl-who-doesn't-want-to-be-called babe," etc, etc. It got to the point that this interfered with our friendship and conversations. That internship ended, and so did this little game (for the most part). I tried to be as polite and direct as I could be at work. Was this guy just desperate? Why does no mean "keep trying" to some guys? How do you tell a guy off while salvaging your friendship? Then there's the ex who keeps going on about how I'm the greatest woman he's ever met though we dated a couple years ago when I was a stupid, silly undergrad girl. He even called the cops on me one time so I don't know why he still bothers. I've yelled and screamed that whatever we had was immature and a waste of time, etc. Still, he goes on like a broken record. We barely communicate any more, but whatever interaction we do have leaves me really frustrated. It's like talking to a brick wall, that's how impenetrable he is. I've decided that either pot is more potent a drug than anyone realizes or he's mentally unstable. I'm sure most women (and men) have dealt with very similar scenarios. Some of us, like Zeon, are confused by mixed messages. Are guys so used to women playing games that they don't realize when to stop?PS If you're exhausted by the relationship thread, then don't bother with this one. I'm actually wondering.
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  Comments


  • mylatencymylatency 10,475 Posts
    uhhh no

  • AlmondAlmond 1,427 Posts
    ^^^
    expected reaction. just thought i'd ask a 99% male forum. my female friends didn't help much.

  • Options
    From your quote...

    Q: How do you tell a guy off while salvaging your friendship?

    A: If someone is being a complete dick, why would you want to retain a friendship?

  • mylatencymylatency 10,475 Posts
    most sane men don't "keep trying" if they're told to stop
    just sayin

  • mylatencymylatency 10,475 Posts
    BTW

    DRAGIC OWNS THE SPURS

    THX

  • Options
    most sane men don't "keep trying" if they're told to stop
    just sayin

  • ReynaldoReynaldo 6,054 Posts
    Your best bet is probably to not be friendly to or not talk to guys you aren't physically attracted to or interested in dating. That's pretty much what guys do. Otherwise, you gotta give something up to have guy friends.

  • mylatencymylatency 10,475 Posts
    so nice to hear it from a Spurs fan

    lolololol


  • mylatencymylatency 10,475 Posts
    Your best bet is probably to not be friendly to or not talk to guys you aren't physically attracted to or interested in dating. That's pretty much what guys do.

    amen brother

  • mylatencymylatency 10,475 Posts
    most sane men don't "keep trying" if they're told to stop
    just sayin


    SAYIN

  • ElectrodeElectrode Los Angeles 2,855 Posts
    Some people are in fact mentally unstable that way, sad but true. Chalk it up to peer pressue telling young men that you must find "the one" NOW NOW NOW or else you're not really a man blahblahblah. Maybe it's a product of technology/blog/Internet obsessed youth who feel the need to constantly know what is going on inside of other people's heads, like what someone said in that thread. Either way, ignore the idiots. Don't give them the satisfaction of paying attention to their sly little cat calls or whatever you deal with. Hell, I am a skinny short man with a weird last name and has not dated more than 5 times in my entire life. Even then, I shake my head at the cornball "game" some men my age employ. Thank God I'm not a woman in this day and age. I would have a chip on my shoulder the size of Texas.

    And by the way, making a correlation between weed and psycho behavior is some Reefer Madness stuff. Some people like to indulge. It's certainly no worse than many of the vices out there.

    And why am I not surprised that a thread created by a female instantly gets a dozen replies? I swear...I have been on nerdy ass sci-fi message boards populated by no-game having, 40 year old and still living with their moms, Dr. Who marathon watching geeks who seem to have a better way with ladies than this place.

  • ReynaldoReynaldo 6,054 Posts
    most sane men don't "keep trying" if they're told to stop
    just sayin


    SAYIN
    I wait for the court order.

  • mylatencymylatency 10,475 Posts
    LOLOLOL
    REY U A FOOL

  • mylatencymylatency 10,475 Posts
    Was this guy just desperate?

    yes, very

  • DJ_EnkiDJ_Enki 6,471 Posts
    most sane men don't "keep trying" if they're told to stop
    just sayin

    This.

    Although some guys either don't get the message or don't want to get the message. Like, dude from the internship apparently thought you turning him down was all just part of some big flirtatious game, and if point-blank telling him, "I know you think this is all fun and games, but I don't; I am not going out with you, and I want you to stop asking me" doesn't do the trick, then it's time to give up on any pretense of friendship and just straight-up ignore him.

  • mylatencymylatency 10,475 Posts
    dude from internship is just like very psychopathetic fratboy or misguided loon on earth

    tell him off and on to the next one you swoon for
    wtf relationship strut

    GORAN
    DRAGIC

  • I humbly apologize that my thread caused so much unhealthy discourse amongst the Strutters here, but I'm sure that now I'm an example of what NOT to do when dealing with relationship issues.

    In regards to mixed messages, I know that some females try to spare feelings while trying to get their message across. When you focus more on sparing the feelings instead of getting your message across, the message is sometimes lost and left to be misinterpreted by that person as something optimistic to give them hope. That's when the guy you'd thought would leave you alone afterwards becomes the guy who just doesn't get it.

  • yuichiyuichi Urban sprawl 11,329 Posts
    Some people are in fact mentally unstable that way, sad but true. Chalk it up to peer pressue telling young men that you must find "the one" NOW NOW NOW or else you're not really a man blahblahblah. Maybe it's a product of technology/blog/Internet obsessed youth who feel the need to constantly know what is going on inside of other people's heads, like what someone said in that thread. Either way, ignore the idiots. Don't give them the satisfaction of paying attention to their sly little cat calls or whatever you deal with. Hell, I am a skinny short man with a weird last name and has not dated more than 5 times in my entire life. Even then, I shake my head at the cornball "game" some men my age employ. Thank God I'm not a woman in this day and age. I would have a chip on my shoulder the size of Texas.

    And by the way, making a correlation between weed and psycho behavior is some Reefer Madness stuff. Some people like to indulge. It's certainly no worse than many of the vices out there.

    And why am I not surprised that a thread created by a female instantly gets a dozen replies? I swear...I have been on nerdy ass sci-fi message boards populated by no-game having, 40 year old and still living with their moms, Dr. Who marathon watching geeks who seem to have a better way with ladies than this place.

    ^^^SAYS THE DUDE INSTANTLY REPLYING WITH LONG POAST.

  • ElectrodeElectrode Los Angeles 2,855 Posts
    :eyeroll:

  • mylatencymylatency 10,475 Posts
    I'm sure that now I'm an example of what NOT to do when dealing with relationship issues.



    b/w





  • AlmondAlmond 1,427 Posts
    I humbly apologize that my thread caused so much unhealthy discourse amongst the Strutters here, but I'm sure that now I'm an example of what NOT to do when dealing with relationship issues.

    In regards to mixed messages, I know that some females try to spare feelings while trying to get their message across. When you focus more on sparing the feelings instead of getting your message across, the message is sometimes lost and left to be misinterpreted by that person as something optimistic to give them hope. That's when the guy you'd thought would leave you alone afterwards becomes the guy who just doesn't get it.

    Don't apologize! You seem like a nice guy and that thread was fun until it got to, like, page 16.

    You're right about the sparing feelings thing. I don't want to be hurtful, I mean, you can't blame someone for trying. There have been instances when I was just downright mean in an attempt to make my message as direct as possible. But I think it backfired since the other person probably realized it was out of character for me and attributed it to a bad mood or something.

  • mylatencymylatency 10,475 Posts
    way too much analysis

  • I humbly apologize that my thread caused so much unhealthy discourse amongst the Strutters here, but I'm sure that now I'm an example of what NOT to do when dealing with relationship issues.

    In regards to mixed messages, I know that some females try to spare feelings while trying to get their message across. When you focus more on sparing the feelings instead of getting your message across, the message is sometimes lost and left to be misinterpreted by that person as something optimistic to give them hope. That's when the guy you'd thought would leave you alone afterwards becomes the guy who just doesn't get it.

    Don't apologize! You seem like a nice guy and that thread was fun until it got to, like, page 16.

    You're right about the sparing feelings thing. I don't want to be hurtful, I mean, you can't blame someone for trying. There have been instances when I was just downright mean in an attempt to make my message as direct as possible. But I think it backfired since the other person probably realized it was out of character for me and attributed it to a bad mood or something.

    Yeah. I didn't expect that thread to go on. And on. And on some more. I thought that it would be a simple 3 or 4 pager, but all of that colorful commentary and play-by-play analyzing of where I went wrong was the death of me.

    To me, you're not being hurtful if you're coming with the truth. It only hurts when you spare feelings only to eventually hurt them at a much later time.

    I think I'm going to lament over these past few days.

  • SoulOnIceSoulOnIce 13,027 Posts
    You seem like a nice guy

    translation: I'm not interested in dating you

  • just straight-up ignore him tell him to fuck off

  • highschemehighscheme 780 Posts
    thinly veiled brag post

  • JahBooGieJahBooGie 92 Posts
    TASER

  • SnagglepusSnagglepus 1,756 Posts
    The guy you were dealing with at work sounds like one of the corny ass videos I watched in a recent sexual harassment training. God I wish I had one of them on video ... on the third "no", the guy turns to the lady and screams "why are you being such a BITCH??!!". They even bleeped out 'bitch'. And they had to continue working at neighboring bank teller stations.

    Anyway, at the workplace, you always have the option of reporting behavior like that, as uncomfortable as that might be (especially for an intern). A guy asking you out a couple of times is one thing, but what you were dealing with came out of a frickin' sexual harassment textbook.

  • bluesnagbluesnag 1,285 Posts
    A couple examples: There was this guy at my previous internship who's really cool, but I knew in first 10 seconds of meeting him that I wasn't attracted. Apparently, he knew in the first 10 seconds of meeting me that he would pursue me as well as he could in a business environment. He asks me to go with him to the driving range, I say no. Asks me to lunch like 3 days in a row, I say no, I'm not interested in going out. Told him politely that his boss prob wouldn't like him flirting with some intern down the hall so he should stop. Calls me "babe" and I tell him to never call me that again, blah blah. Starts calling me "girl-who-doesn't-want-to-be-called babe," etc, etc. It got to the point that this interfered with our friendship and conversations. That internship ended, and so did this little game (for the most part). I tried to be as polite and direct as I could be at work. Was this guy just desperate? Why does no mean "keep trying" to some guys? How do you tell a guy off while salvaging your friendship?

    Sounds like this guy was, in fact, not cool. Sounds like the type of guy you just cannot be friends with. The more you hang out with a guy like this, the more he is encouraged to keep bugging you, no matter what you say. Distance yourself.


    Then there's the ex who keeps going on about how I'm the greatest woman he's ever met though we dated a couple years ago when I was a stupid, silly undergrad girl. He even called the cops on me one time so I don't know why he still bothers. I've yelled and screamed that whatever we had was immature and a waste of time, etc. Still, he goes on like a broken record. We barely communicate any more, but whatever interaction we do have leaves me really frustrated. It's like talking to a brick wall, that's how impenetrable he is. I've decided that either pot is more potent a drug than anyone realizes or he's mentally unstable.

    Sounds like another guy you just can't be friends with right now. Sounds like he is just lonely, and kinda pathetic. Distance yourself.


    Really, you just can't be friends with a dude who you are not into but who is into you. It's just not going to work. If you give it a few years, you might be able to be friends with them in the future.

  • Big_StacksBig_Stacks "I don't worry about hittin' power, cause I don't give 'em nuttin' to hit." 4,670 Posts
    Hey Almond,

    The problem, simply, is some women come across too passive aggressively or indirectly in their speech. Trying to soften the blow to the guy you're telling to "buzz off" means, in his mind, that you're uncertain about it. Instead, he walks away with the sense that he, somehow, still has a shot with you. In contrast, men are direct and quite literal so you must speak in these terms. A more direct way of saying "I'm not interested in you romantically" or "Let's be friends" is to say, "I don't find you attractive, so I wish you'd stop trying to date me. It isn't going to happen and I find it irritating." Most "normal guys" will buzz off after hearing such a direct statement off non-interest. As for the harassing, stalker, can't-take-no-for-an-answer-type, there are legal grounds to take care of them. Good luck!!!

    Peace,

    Big Stacks from Kakalak
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