How to effectively tell a guy no
Almond
1,427 Posts
In order to prevent the confusion incompletejigsawpuzzle aka Zeon has been experiencing for the past 2-4 years, give or take, please give me some advice. Judging from the length of Relationship Strut, "getting the message across" seems to be a difficult thing to do. I don't exactly have to beat suiters off with a stick, but I seem to attract strange ones.A couple examples: There was this guy at my previous internship who's really cool, but I knew in first 10 seconds of meeting him that I wasn't attracted. Apparently, he knew in the first 10 seconds of meeting me that he would pursue me as well as he could in a business environment. He asks me to go with him to the driving range, I say no. Asks me to lunch like 3 days in a row, I say no, I'm not interested in going out. Told him politely that his boss prob wouldn't like him flirting with some intern down the hall so he should stop. Calls me "babe" and I tell him to never call me that again, blah blah. Starts calling me "girl-who-doesn't-want-to-be-called babe," etc, etc. It got to the point that this interfered with our friendship and conversations. That internship ended, and so did this little game (for the most part). I tried to be as polite and direct as I could be at work. Was this guy just desperate? Why does no mean "keep trying" to some guys? How do you tell a guy off while salvaging your friendship? Then there's the ex who keeps going on about how I'm the greatest woman he's ever met though we dated a couple years ago when I was a stupid, silly undergrad girl. He even called the cops on me one time so I don't know why he still bothers. I've yelled and screamed that whatever we had was immature and a waste of time, etc. Still, he goes on like a broken record. We barely communicate any more, but whatever interaction we do have leaves me really frustrated. It's like talking to a brick wall, that's how impenetrable he is. I've decided that either pot is more potent a drug than anyone realizes or he's mentally unstable. I'm sure most women (and men) have dealt with very similar scenarios. Some of us, like Zeon, are confused by mixed messages. Are guys so used to women playing games that they don't realize when to stop?PS If you're exhausted by the relationship thread, then don't bother with this one. I'm actually wondering.
Comments
expected reaction. just thought i'd ask a 99% male forum. my female friends didn't help much.
Q: How do you tell a guy off while salvaging your friendship?
A: If someone is being a complete dick, why would you want to retain a friendship?
just sayin
DRAGIC OWNS THE SPURS
THX
lolololol
amen brother
SAYIN
And by the way, making a correlation between weed and psycho behavior is some Reefer Madness stuff. Some people like to indulge. It's certainly no worse than many of the vices out there.
And why am I not surprised that a thread created by a female instantly gets a dozen replies? I swear...I have been on nerdy ass sci-fi message boards populated by no-game having, 40 year old and still living with their moms, Dr. Who marathon watching geeks who seem to have a better way with ladies than this place.
REY U A FOOL
yes, very
This.
Although some guys either don't get the message or don't want to get the message. Like, dude from the internship apparently thought you turning him down was all just part of some big flirtatious game, and if point-blank telling him, "I know you think this is all fun and games, but I don't; I am not going out with you, and I want you to stop asking me" doesn't do the trick, then it's time to give up on any pretense of friendship and just straight-up ignore him.
tell him off and on to the next one you swoon for
wtf relationship strut
GORAN
DRAGIC
In regards to mixed messages, I know that some females try to spare feelings while trying to get their message across. When you focus more on sparing the feelings instead of getting your message across, the message is sometimes lost and left to be misinterpreted by that person as something optimistic to give them hope. That's when the guy you'd thought would leave you alone afterwards becomes the guy who just doesn't get it.
^^^SAYS THE DUDE INSTANTLY REPLYING WITH LONG POAST.
b/w
Don't apologize! You seem like a nice guy and that thread was fun until it got to, like, page 16.
You're right about the sparing feelings thing. I don't want to be hurtful, I mean, you can't blame someone for trying. There have been instances when I was just downright mean in an attempt to make my message as direct as possible. But I think it backfired since the other person probably realized it was out of character for me and attributed it to a bad mood or something.
Yeah. I didn't expect that thread to go on. And on. And on some more. I thought that it would be a simple 3 or 4 pager, but all of that colorful commentary and play-by-play analyzing of where I went wrong was the death of me.
To me, you're not being hurtful if you're coming with the truth. It only hurts when you spare feelings only to eventually hurt them at a much later time.
I think I'm going to lament over these past few days.
translation: I'm not interested in dating you
Anyway, at the workplace, you always have the option of reporting behavior like that, as uncomfortable as that might be (especially for an intern). A guy asking you out a couple of times is one thing, but what you were dealing with came out of a frickin' sexual harassment textbook.
Sounds like this guy was, in fact, not cool. Sounds like the type of guy you just cannot be friends with. The more you hang out with a guy like this, the more he is encouraged to keep bugging you, no matter what you say. Distance yourself.
Sounds like another guy you just can't be friends with right now. Sounds like he is just lonely, and kinda pathetic. Distance yourself.
Really, you just can't be friends with a dude who you are not into but who is into you. It's just not going to work. If you give it a few years, you might be able to be friends with them in the future.
The problem, simply, is some women come across too passive aggressively or indirectly in their speech. Trying to soften the blow to the guy you're telling to "buzz off" means, in his mind, that you're uncertain about it. Instead, he walks away with the sense that he, somehow, still has a shot with you. In contrast, men are direct and quite literal so you must speak in these terms. A more direct way of saying "I'm not interested in you romantically" or "Let's be friends" is to say, "I don't find you attractive, so I wish you'd stop trying to date me. It isn't going to happen and I find it irritating." Most "normal guys" will buzz off after hearing such a direct statement off non-interest. As for the harassing, stalker, can't-take-no-for-an-answer-type, there are legal grounds to take care of them. Good luck!!!
Peace,
Big Stacks from Kakalak