do y'all talk to your exes - revisited
pickwick33
8,946 Posts
Had an "interesting" meeting with an old g.f. this past weekend.She was painting a photo of a local alderman at a space that was open to the public. I hadn't seen her in a few months, so she said it was alright if I came down and we hung out. (She's done that with me, so I guess it's alright, right?)As we were leaving, Ms. Ex was packing up. Both me and the alderman offered to carry her stuff almost simultaneously. Then, she's putting on her coat, I'm waiting for her, and Alderman is still standing there like he's waiting for something. Even asks her, "sooo...whatcha doin' tonight?"Then the four of us leave the space. It is maybe 5:30 in the afternoon. Alderman and the gallery owner are set to go one way for drinks, me and the ex are about to go another for coffee.Alderman seems disappointed that we (read: she) aren't going with them to this other bar. And even though we're not together anymore, I'm really wishing he'd get the F*ck out of the conversation - I came specifically to hang with her. Haven't seen her in a while.It almost looks like he's hitting on her, but is too shy to close the deal. And he probably would have been more up front about it, if I weren't there, so I guess I did some pretty effective cockblocking. Thank God, they went their way and we went ours, which is a good thing; it'd be some scary shit if we were both vying for her attention. Interestingly enough, the ex doesn't pick up on this right away. She just keeps muttering how "awkward" that exchange was.At one point, she wonders aloud: "does he like me?"I make a face.She then says, "well, you being a guy, I figured you might pick up on these things."Me being her former boyfriend (and currently single), I wasn't going to say shit. If there is an attraction, I won't stop them, but I don't want to be the one who brought them together. That'd be like getting shot with my own gun. And obviously I am in no position to start marking territory, since I'd already Been There and Done That.She wraps it up by saying, with finality, "I'm not worried about it."I don't know why this is consuming my thoughts. We broke up three years ago. Maybe it's because I'm not seeing anyone now? But we still hang out every so often, and there is still a bit of flirting when we get together. So, I don't blame Alderman for possibly wanting a little taste. That was me with her three years ago. But when he asked her what she was doing that night, for a MINUTE I saw red. For all I know, they might be making plans right now. I'm sure as hell not going to ask her. But it's like I always say...Seeing your ex with a new lover is like seeing your parents f*cking. You know it happens, you just don't want to watch it.(To be fair, she's seen me out with at least one girl since we broke up, but I don't think I'd want to see the shoe on the other foot. Unless I was out with a ladyfriend myself.)Sorry to bore y'all with this long, irrevelant post. I normally don't get this personal on Soul Strut - I know I should just let it slide and just be cool like Big Stacks - but I was rereading the "Do Y'all Talk To Your Exes" thread from a while back, and rather than keep stewing over it, thought I'd just put it out there once and for all, get it off my chest for the sheer hell of it.And yes, I wrote this while stone cold sober!
Comments
my feelings are pretty mixed, actually. when i met her, she was going through a rough period in her life, and she was always apologizing for the fact that I walked in her life at such a bad time.
when we broke up, she was really stressed out, to the point where she was lashing out at all of her friends. me being her guy, I got quite a bit of that myself. so one morning she sez, "I can't do this anymore! I don't even see why you're still here!" so I walked out without saying goodbye or even looking back. at the time, i was pissed at her and needed the break.
long story short, we made up and apologized later. she's doing incredibly well these days, and even though we are on a platonic level now, every now and then she'll revert to her old ways: resting her feet in my lap, sampling food from my plate, snuggling up to me when she's tired, etc. And I keep wondering...if I had met her a year later than I had, would we have been together longer?
and that's why Mr. Alderman bothered me so.
ive considered trying to get together w/her again, with mushy feelings intact, but im not sure how it would go over. once when she was sick, i offered to bring over anything she may have needed. she then said: "you know we're not DATING, right?"
Cold busted. but that was maybe three months after the breakup. dont know how it would play these days.
ok, soulstrut, call for help:
should i try to get her back, or should i just let it rest?[/b]
SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU!! you can still be friends but dont forget: she played herself. put some bass in your voice.
You're absolutely right, but easier said than done.
Myself, I NEVER talk to my exes. It's all or nothing for me...
Don't wanna throw out some irresponsible advice, but if that were me, I'd just get back with her and go from there. If you get your heart crushed again, then you know it's time to move on!
Really though, do what feels right for you. Listen to your instincts and brain. Not somebody else's nonsense (aka advice/experiences).
I've generally been pretty good at remaining cool since we split. She'll dance and flirt and wear her boots 'cause she knows I like 'em, and I can even remember one time (post-breakup) when she came to my DJ gig, was hanging all over me, and then whispered: "am I cramping your style?" If she's feeling flirty, then I roll with it without asking too many questions.
However...more than once people have asked, "are you guys dating again?" when we're out. And when I'm alone with my thoughts, like right now, there's a lot of "What If?" going on...should I go back, etc. And that's when Mr. Pride steps in and tells me to just let it rest (specially since we're not sleeping with each other anymore). But after this weekend, and the incident with the alderman guy, I've been seriously rethinking my position.
You know it's some cold shit if a girl's got you almost apologizing when you did nothing wrong! (LOL)
To each his own. My Ex became one of my best friends. I even don't have a problem seeing her with her new boy. He is a cool dude. I am glad that she is happy. But I guess that only happened because me and her were friends before we got together. You can never plan these things. But if there are still feelings involved, either stay away as much as possible or go for it again. But I would never say NEVER like this anymore....
For me, i think it's "all or nothing" cuz I get attached easily. (Most def not an element of hip-hop/rap).
In my experiences, it just creates baggage for the next relationship.
My general interpretation of the lad's post that kicked this off is, perhaps you should go for the sequel. Could be less engaging than the first time, but at least you'll get it off your mind and know for sure that it REALLY doesn't work.
Hey I'm with you on this. My ex after about 10 momths leaves a comment on my facebook page on how "I'm looking good".My fault she is still on my friends list. The new lady I'm with saw it and now the jealous thoughts, worries all that B.S. has started.
Having said that, Beatnick's suggestion that:
can't be argued with. Just depends whether you want to push your relationship back into that area.
is that while in the relationship you live through a lot of the ''lashing out'' and stay because of your feelings
now that you've freed yourself from that don't go back
if she was right for you you would have been together though tough times as well
i reconnected with the ex and it proved to be a worst situation than the first time
with fianc?e now we went to hell and back and still love each other very much
Stuff like wearing what you like and all the other flirty, cuddly stuff is games given the circumstances. I'll tell you that as a woman and as someone who is friends will all my ex-es. I would never act like that unless I was trying to get back and then I would couple all that shit with some direct words. I agree with Senior's "safe bet" comment and also add that she's trying to make sure she's got something in the bank for a rainy day.
Are you asking "what if?" emotionally or situationally?
Major
Seriously, though, I used to classify this sort of post-relationship flirtation as "good drama" with a caveat -- you already got burned, so as long as you are careful enough to not get too emotionally invested again, there's nothing wrong with trying to touch that flame. It's a fine line to walk but it might be worth it.
To be honest...I'd say a little bit of both. Add to that the fact that I'm not seeing anyone at the moment, and you can see why I'm so damn nostalgic. Shit's like Kryptonite.
I remember once, after the breakup I was an an outdoor festival with a girl I was seeing, and she came over and said hi, introducing herself to my new friend.
New Girl later told me she couldn't believe that was my ex because she appeared to like me too much.
In the meantime, Ms. Ex asked me, "so, who's the new girl?"
I responded, "I don't discuss my currents with my exes."
She laughed and said "aw, come on, we're friends!"
So, I told her about New Girl, she told me about New Boy, all while walking her home from that same event (New Girl had to leave early). I know my ego should have been pleased that she saw me with a new lady (and it was). But, I didn't want her thinking she could come around my DJ gig with her new dude (I don't think they're together now - this was two years ago).
So, to answer your question:
I'd say both.
In my mind, I keep wondering if she's a nicer person now that her tough times of a few years ago are done.
Yet, on the other hand, that problem might come back in a different package and we might be angry at each other again, with her snapping at everybody. I wouldn't want to see her OG problem get "reissued" with a different cover.
Just what I'm sensing from what you wrote, how you wrote it and from the further details you provided in your later posts, I get the sense that:
-You still harbor romantic feelings towards her.
-She's totally aware of that.
-She wanted you to be there for some kind of purpose, most likely playing a role in whatever game she had/has in mind for the Alderman.
I further get the impression that your ex has a pretty calculating personality, is highly manipulative and camouflages this with the usual "personal problems, emotional baggage, scarred from previous relationships" blahblah.
Whenever a girl tells you something like "well, you being a guy, I figured you might pick up on these things." you should be aware that this very clearly translates to "son, I'm playing you like a fiddle".
My advice would be to stay clear at all cost.
Yes