The After Love Moment (NRR)
drewnice
5,465 Posts
My girl brought this up last night and thought it was very intriguing:
You know when you've been together with somebody way past the (6-8 mo.) 'honeymoon' period and have settled into the 'too' comortable zone? Like the part when you spit loogies in front of her and squeeze out a fart every now and then? Stacks alluded to it in the 'get healthy' thread...basically getting lazy...
Well, that seems to also be a crucial point in any loving relationship. Two people can be SO close that they start to take one another for granted and then can easily dismiss the 'loving' part of their relationship because it seems 'watered down' in a sense, thus making it even easier to leave eachother...
I guess my questions is, what usually happens with you at this point in a relationship with a significant other?
You know when you've been together with somebody way past the (6-8 mo.) 'honeymoon' period and have settled into the 'too' comortable zone? Like the part when you spit loogies in front of her and squeeze out a fart every now and then? Stacks alluded to it in the 'get healthy' thread...basically getting lazy...
Well, that seems to also be a crucial point in any loving relationship. Two people can be SO close that they start to take one another for granted and then can easily dismiss the 'loving' part of their relationship because it seems 'watered down' in a sense, thus making it even easier to leave eachother...
I guess my questions is, what usually happens with you at this point in a relationship with a significant other?
Comments
Speaking for myself, I settled in for the long haul and got hitched.
ok first of all, I was with the last girl for almost three years and I still never busted ass in front of her.
anyways this was pretty much the reason we broke up. I started taking her for granted, then took it one step further in that I started blaming alot of my problems on her, and resenting her accordingly. then I cheated on her and we broke up.
that was december and we're still working shit out.
the short answer is, I don't know, and I'm really looking forward to the insight of the strut massive.
This is the big obstacle for most of us menfolk...you WILL take your loved one for granted, but the trick is not having your head so far up your ass that you can't check yourself. The reverse is also true, your gal will take you for granted, and you have to let it be known without major cracks to the foundation. And it can be hard, no doubt.
The grass will occasionally look greener, the idea of a "new life" or "new situation" may generate a temporary thrill or superficial interest, but the bottom line is that once you find someone that you care enough about(and vice versa) that their smelly feet or the occsional fart are the least of your concerns, that's someone worth sticking around for, good times and bad.
My advice is take your time, don't throw around words you don't mean, and think long and hard about what the two of you want out of life and if those divergent roads can run in the same direction. Shit still breaks down every now and again, but you just repair the problem, grumble a bit, then move on. The long haul.
People always say that this part is when the real love sets in... but you do have to do things to keep it refreshing. Drew, my friend, I think you are a little too young though... you still have some priorities that might not include having a steady woman... it could work though with effort... but it is probably more likely that you will fall in love again with someone else at a more calmed down time in your life... I was 27 when I met my wife, she was 20, I think... yeah! I know what I said might not be what you want to hear though because I know you love your woman... old heads used to tell me the same thing when I was a buck and they were right...
if your going to stay with her, especially now when the lets screw all day thing is wearing down, its going to take commitment, discipline and honesty... IMHO...
Well my post wasn't directly realted to my personal situation...
I've been through my share of relationships in this yunglyfe of mine and there's always a critical point in time that a decision to either stick with or phase out of the relationship comes into play. I have a MANY different priorities at play in my life right now, and my girl fully knows that. She has things to take care of as well. We're always keeping eachother informed and communicating about them.
She's earlier on in the 'serious relationship' game, which has been an incredible experience because I've been had to take a step back and feel all of those 'rudimentary' relationship feelings people skip over sometimes when they've been though this a lot. So, when she brought this topic up, it took me back to when I had to figure things like this out initially.
I'm sure the majority of people on this board have been in a serious relationship and I was just curious about how people deal with the 'after love moment' in their own lives.
I can always count on Uncle Ray for spot on advice, though!
I usually end up breaking up around that "too comfortable" period. I guess I just haven't found someone that really fits me and I really don't like to prolong things if I don't see any future in it. My friends say I'm afraid of commitment but I just think it's the whole finding a better match kind of thing.
i've been with my girl for 9 years and we have been through EVERYTHING....
make sure you know who you are and she knows who she is....and know that when shit gets thick you'll be able to say "I HAVE NO REGRETS"
The key issue is do you connect mentally with this woman? No disrespect JP, but a lot of what he stated was focused on the physical. The important issue is whether the two of you love each other regardless of the outside shell. Would you (or her) stay with the other if either of you got into a disfiguring accident? Suffered from a debilitating disease? The mental, spiritual, and emotional connections will allow the two of you to sustain your relationship during the distressing and hum-drum times. I agree with JP's and others' statements that you should do things to spice it up as well; however, you must focus on the quality of the relationship by strengthening the mental and emotional connections between the two of you. This is done through time spent, intimate communication, patience, understanding, commitment, and love.
All of the stuff I listed above was tested during my first year of marriage. The devotion that formed through our strong relationship shielded us from the relative ease of jettin' out during the rough times. We had never lived together and had relocated, so we had a lot of adjustments to make. We were committed to making our marriage work, hell or high water, because we loved each other. Can you and your girl say this about one another? Do you two have "staying power"? I hope these words have helped you.
Peace,
Big Stacks from Kakalak
Just fuck your 45s!
exactly
And I was 36 when I did this(my wife is in the same ballpark, age-wise, not to discuss her age, but...)
Yes, it is wise to wait, but everyone has their own schedule. I wish I had gotten my shit together sooner, but the fact is if I had, I would probably never have met my wife. I really don't know if I believe in fate or not, but I do believe you have to balance MAKING things happen with LETTING things happen. We all know in our gut what is right for us, it's whether we listen to that or not.
And Stacks speaks truth...make sure that the important connections are in place, because there is ALWAYS fine tuning and little connections and dis-conections complicating things, but if you have the fundamentals, you can address the little things without them becoming big crises.
Sorry if I don't stress on all the romantic aspects of a relationship, all that is important but the day to day work and acceptance of your better half is what I find much more challenging, personally, than the romance. Probably because I can be a bit emotionally detached, and I need someone who understands that about me and accepts it. Lucky for me I found her!
AYE YO
Nah, most of the stuff in your post is good advice, though.
hahaha! Hey man, never done it personally... just didn't want to be all one sided about it.
I'm sure there's plenty of dudes on here who never think to "trim"
And you know, no matter what your lady says to your face, she does care about the hair on your back
TheMack's hanging on every word... gonna have him looking like he's got alopecia with that full-body wax.
I don't know man. I think the "I might have to pistol whip her boyfriend" is a lifestyle that's working for him right now.
Birdman speaketh wise words!!!! Youngsters focus too much on the passion and pay relatively little attention to the quality of the relationship. But, it's not just about how good the bonin' is, but what (if at all) do you two talk about afterwards? The mental and emotional connection will sustain a relationship, but the unbridled passion of the early relationship is fleeting. Some people (wrongfully) interpret this as a weakening of the relationship, but can be easily explained by situational circumstances (work schedule, children if you have them [I don't], stress, fatigue, etc.). Nonetheless, you still love your mate so you will make the time to be physically intimate (like later this evening, for myself). But, my strong mental and emotional attraction (in addition to the physical attraction) to my wife makes me want her more, even after being with her for nearly 10 years. A woman you are mentally connected with will continue to thrill you while one who is only interesting in a physical sense becomes boring because she's one-dimensional.
Peace,
Big Stacks from Kakalak
Sure, the honey moon ends, but thats the best part. Becasue I am not constantly in this state of heightened hormonal bliss, I can concentrate on ther areas of my life with the assurance that there's somebody backing me up and and vice versa. Sure, it's easy to take your woman for granted, but one of the great things about a relationship is being able to simply co-exist with a woman who makes you feel comfertable. I don't want to be checking my breath every couple of minutes and worrying if my woman is having a good time or not. I try not to fart except for when I'm alseep, and I try not to spit and burp and tell her about my diarreah, not cause I couldn't, just becasue you want to have some mystery to keep the romance side.
But don't worry about being this romantic lover all the time. A great girlfriend is like a best friend that you have sex with. There's much more, of course, but that shit develops over time. Also, we moved in together about that time. Its not a big deal. Really.
My ex girl wouldn't even take a crap if I was at home. She was weird, though.
Peace
h
I feel fuzzy.
Yes.
I just like this post. And now I'm going home.
Damn, Raystar comes through with the MASSIVE science. The complementarity issue is SO IMPORTANT. It's great to find a mate that shores up your weak spots and vice-versa. Outside of common values (e.g., integrity, fidelity, religious faith, ambition, etc.), my wife is everything I am not. She is introverted, I'm outgoing. She is meticulous, I'm less so. She's Type A, I'm Type B. So, my wife augments me a great deal by reminding me to do things that my flighty-ass forgets and ensure that bills are done on-time. I, on the other hand, make the calls for various services (e.g., take-out, repairs, etc.) and tell her to chill when she frets over something that's not a big deal. In that way, me and my baby are an unstoppable two-headed dream team.
Peace,
Big Stacks from Kakalak
HA
my girl and i play the doorknob/safety game, does that mean i have a keeper?
Yes! Haha, it's seriously a blessing to be able to joke around like that. Just don't go overboard though. I'm sure there are times where she wishes manners were in use.
what is this game? what are the rules?
[color:pink]Girls make the world go round. [/color]
its a farting game. if i fart, and dont say "safety" first, and she says "doorknob", she can hit me unless i get to touch a doorknob first. and vice versa(yeah, she farts too, hahahahaa). we dont hit each other hard at all, its more of a funny way to get over the farting thing. its especially fun the morning after a little boozing the night before.
she actually resurected the game. i hadnt played in prolly 10 years. its totally juvenile, but its fun anyways.
Sometimes totally juvenile is totally necessary. Alas, there are only two doorknobs in my place...I guess that would just raise the stakes.
true.
we never actually make it to the doorknobs, its usually accepted that the loser will take a light punch on the arm. but maybe i will start running to the doorknobs to, as you say, raise the stakes...