What is the toughest thing you've had to do...
Guzzo
8,611 Posts
and how did you find the strength to do it?Right now I'm going through something I never imagined I'd ever have to face and doing my best to stay up during it. I can't get into the details but it's surely painful and shifting my entire life in many ways. My only solace seems to be knowing that others have dealt with terrible circumstances and come out tougher, wiser, and ready to face lifes next great challenge.I'd really like stories of inspiration right now if possible. I remember reading Cosmo talk about how he came back from a near fatal car accident (Junkies Prayer) and Aliet picking up his life post Katrina. Those kind of tales really helped put things in perspective.So spill your guts and help a dude out-Adam
Comments
I know the feeling you speak of. disconnection, although it seems emotionally wrong is sometimes the easiest way to go forward with a tough task.
Thanks ****
Anyway, the way I look at it is that there really is no choice. You basically just "DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO." Not trying to sound cliche or anything, but at times of adversity you either stand up or you lie down.
The story about my car accident can be found on my blog about 3 quarters of the way down the page.
Adam, you're a strong dude, and I'm sorry about the hardship you're facing right now. I KNOW you're going to come out on top my dude. Hold your head, and we got your back. Remember, pressure makes diamonds.
One Love homie!
C
It's a part of a special thing called living. These horrible things that happened to me are suppose to, even though at the time it didn't seem fair or right.
It builds lots of character, and self awareness. We go through cycles of sheddin what we learned into something that we need to learn.
It can be a very difficult thing, but yet so beautiful if you tilt your head and look at it the other way. It's not easy at all.
Take care Guzzo!!!!
elise
This really is true. For some really traumatic things, sometimes the best way to get through it is to mentally/emotionally disassociate. Like it was phrased above, treat it like a chore. Yes, that does seem callous, and in the moment, you will likely be thinking bad things about yourself for not allowing yourself to feel bad things (hopefully that makes sense), but getting through it and dealing with the messy issues after the fact can be easier to deal with than trying to deal with the messy issues in real-time.
I imagine the hardest thing I'm going to have to do is pull the plug on my aunt. She asked me to do this (she has stage 4 cancer) with the grim disclaimer that the cancer could very well kill her quickly, making any plug-pulling a moot issue, and I agreed to it because I understand exactly why she doesn't want a long, slow descent into death (she saw both her parents go through that and doesn't want to follow suit). Still, I'm going to have a hard time dealing if/when it comes to that.
Best of luck to you, Guzzo. That seems like a trite thing to say, but it's sincere.
Thats fucking golden, Cosmo... i love it.
And HELLO, I haven't partaken in any of the "Elise" threads so let me just say hi and welcome you in this one... but let's NOT turn this into another "Elise" thread.
Shit, too late...
nah Elise has been golden in helping here.
As has everyone else who shared their story and well wishes.
thank you to all
Truly you need to disconnect in the sense that life moves and youre at the cross-roads and need to act..however never forget about learning or thinking about what you have learned
through all the hardships I have faced when people ask me how i coped or "why you look so optimistic" its cause i feel i have learned from it
You will act..and then univetibly ponder things in your mind for a long time...if you orient your thoughts toward the construction of a life lesson or an applicable learning experience than you enter a healthier mourning or settling of the situation
Keep youre head up stay strong and good luck Adam
Sure I can get a little pissed sometimes but I know everything has a solution no matter how difficult. Either way you live with it and you move on. Not right away but over time you learn that things usually happen for a reason. I feel like I really learned from all of the things that happened to me when I was a kid and they have made me a better person. If you can take at least some life lesson from what you are going through you can turn it into something positive.
Good luck Guzzo.
I know, that shit was getting re-dick-u-luss!
Hi cosmo!!
I might as well divulge this in this thread, in hopes that it can help anyone going through what might seem like impossibly grave times. My folks both passed away in an accident together when I was 10 years old. Emotionally disconected was not something I understood at the time, but something that just comes instinctively when things are literally too much to bear. You soldier through, because in the end that's what life is. Adam, try to keep it together, but allow yourself some moments to fall apart when you can....you have to let it out or you will do yourself or those around you some serious damage. Stand strong but accept/seek help from wherever it comes. None of us are immune to tragedy beyond our control, nor of our own making. Accept the reality and try to find the easiest, cleanest path through it and you will see brighter times. Have faith, it always gets easier over time. I hope things are looking up soon.
My father recently went through quadruple heart bypass surgery following a major heart attack. he was at home alone when it happened and managed to call 911 before passing out in his bedroom. Luckily the EMTs got to the house in time and took him to the ER. The surgery was pretty major and he was kept in the cardiac ICU for almost a month in a virtual comatose state to help his heart heal. after another month in the hospital he finally came home, where he is now, slowly recovering from the ordeal.
I think the most difficult thing I faced was the realization that he might leave us. When that hit me I blanked out, and at one point was sobbing uncontrollably. That release, which happened early on during his hospital stay, definitely helped me get through the remaining two months, which were a complete blur. Emotional catharsis can help to get through the rollercoaster ride you experience when realizing you may never see a loved one again.
In a strange way, going through this ordeal made me realize I am stronger than i thought, and reassured me that i can get through all the BS that life throws at you. You just find a way to keep on going.
I am an epileptic. Part of the reason I dj is because im an epileptic. here is my little story on that. Sorry if it long yall.....
I was diagnosed with epilepsy when I was 13. Doctors do not know how or why I developed it as I do not have it in the family. It may have been related to getting jacked for my starter coat the previous holloween and being kicked in the head. Ill never know.
I went through highschool in and out of reality. At times I was very sharp and coherent then just a moment later I would experience petite-mal seizures (small, almost unnoticable seizures in which I remain concious) and whatever stimulous was happening such as a teacher telling me something would not register in my mind.
I went through all of highschool like this. The students that didnt know me thought I was a burn-out. I was laughed at. kids tried to start shit. etc. and the whole time my grades are in the toilet and im kinda depressed because there is nothing I can do about it. I went from being a dude that was witty with the clever joke on the spot, real sharp, bright kid, to being mad introverted and scared. worried all the time. Id go somewhere and be scoping the joint out for the best place to be incase I had a grand-mal seizure ( uncouncious, wild movements, etc) and hit my head. I just kept keeping on and doing the best I could. I buried myself more and more into music. I started highschool with good grades but after this shit happened I left a D student so going to a good school, like all my peers, was not gonna happen.
I went to a junior college around here (champaign, illinois) called Parkland. All there is to this school are administration buildings and buildings with classrooms. No dorms, no parties, no bars on campus, no nothing. In Champaign you also have the University of Illinois which is the home to the largest greek system of frats and sororities in the U.S. Lots of rich kids from the chicago suburbs come down here and bring their bad "im priveledged and you aren't" attitude with them. so there is a stigma that is sometimes attached to people who go to Parkland (basically that your lower class). Being that I was going to Parkland, that my doctors were now using me as a human cocktail to try and figure out the right portions of what drugs would suit me best (I was a zombie for two years) and that I kinda felt alone in my own detached-from-reality world of mine I just stayed away from the U of I campus as much as I could. Most days and nights you could find me scratching in my room. I recall having a real rough time but I knew there was nothing I could do to stop my condition. I knew that one day my perscription would be figured out and I would feel more normal and that in the meanwhile I was going to get the most out of Parkland as I could. I just had to have faith and remain patient. I replaced sports and friends with scratching and kept myself busy with that and my school work. I think I was averaging 5 hours a day scratching. Every day of the week.
To fill my time I started doing an underground hiphop radio show on a non-commercial station in 1998. It was cool because if I didnt feel like talking I didnt have to. Plus having the show got me interested in mixing so I started to teach myself how to do that. It blew up around here and became the hub for hiphop music, news, and discourse for a lot of heads in this town. I started getting really happy about the show and through that happiness I mustered the courage to get involved beyond the airwaves every saturday night on WEFT 90.1 fm. This was scary as I had protected myself from danger, jokes, and ignorance for much of the last few years. I did it because I wanted to get back to being normal. So I started doing local battles and to my surprise I always won or placed. Through the type of routines I was doing I was asked to play at record stores, house parties, etc. I became friends with some huge battle djs in NY through the old skratchpiklz.com forum and started getting invites to stay with them during DMC battles. I started feeling like I had something in my life that was truly special.
So from this I not only felt more myself but I felt like I had something that was exciting in my life. Things started clicking, I was feeling better physically and mentally. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, I could see ME in there again. Then BOOM. Another huge seizure. Massive. On the way down I hit my head on a brick wall then hit it again on chipped concrete. My brain was concussed. My tounge was bitten in half ( a quarter of the way in on either side). I still have multiple knots in my skull from this. This was horrible. I recall being at work. then the next thing I know is the madness of having a ton of medical people yelling 40 different things at you. this person saying what your blood pressure level is ___, that person asking you if you know your name, two people in the back talking about the amount of trauma to my skull, etc, etc, etc. FUCK! Back where I started.
but
I had music. I had the radio show to look forward to. I had my copy of bionic booger breaks. This was a huge setback but it was a good lesson as to the perameters I will have to live my life by. I will always have this. I can never forget it or even ignore it. But it doesnt have anything to do with me creating the life I want for myself. I may have to be more patient with the process but I can still do it. I remember saying that to myself out loud.
So I changed my major at Parkland and started taking lots of FAA related classes. I continued to get lost in my art for school and my art for myself. I recall spending many many nights in the winter time working on stone sculptures outside. just working away the stone, breathing, and not thinking. I noticed my epilepsy getting better through this time and made a mental note of the process of doing without thinking and simple breathing. I started to notice that I did the same thing when I started playing in bars and clubs. I would reach a point in which I was so into the music that I really wasnt thinking at all about it and was just in the moment with it. I think this lent towards some good performances as I started getting more and more and more offers to play around town and now. I started playing out heavely through college and now 4 years removed from getting a degree in Industrial Design, I live purely off djing.
But djing is not only my means of earning a living, its my medicine. Its amazing to me how I turned to music when things were so bad with my condition, then through music I picked up the pieces when ive been down and created a happy personnal life for myself, I have created a way to make a living, and finally the kicker, when I am feeling so out of it that I cannot hold a conversation with someone there is only one thing that will get me out of it and back to normal.....djing. It workd better then the Depakote pills I take, it works better then sleep. IF there are "signs" that tell you things in life I would say that this is sign for me that im doing what I should be doing!
living with epilepsy has been my greatest hardship. Since it happened at such a formative stage in my life I will have to say it has defined almost everything about me. In retrospect dealing with this was like dealing with the realities of the real world, just at the age of 13 instead of 18, 21, 22, etc. I still have some things to get over. sometimes my confidence is not as high as id like for example. but man, the things that I have gotten out of this have been amazing. I always loved music but I dont think I would have taken my involvement as deep as I did if I felt comfortable being me around others. Hell, just a few months ago I played a gig that was over 2,000 miles from my house. that aint too bad at all.
sorry about the size of that yall!
I dont really talk about that stuff with people and kinda got into it.
if you are interested read away...if its too much just pass on by.
i left a lot out too, could have been a :5pager: by myself.
Lemme get my readin glasses on...
Bozak - thanks for the very personal and inspiring post
I guess that would be the gig where we met! I remember you referencing your epilepsy when we were chatting, but I guess the realness of it was something I didn't fully appreciate. Now I have a better understanding
in a personally painful period in my life (not worth mentioning really...this was some heartbreak stuff) a friend gave me a book that helped me imensely. i dont htink abou tit too much anymore, but i'll always appreciate its philosophy and outlook:
I believe that you will pull through,you have a real strong character.
yeah I was feeling it at the moment when we met. couldnt really get to know you any more due to it. hopefully I will be back in melbourne and we can chat it up properly. I still have regular problems with it. I was having a hard time just a couple days ago. but hey, you take care of yourself best you can and move forward with the hand your dealt with.
yeah Guzzo, hang in there kid. something good will come from this. it always sounds cliche and even fucked up but I can say from my experience that every bad thing that happened to me turned out to be segue to something wonderfull.
Situations around you are always changing, I think it's natural for people to break down once in a while. Do what you gotta do to get back on track.
Fall 7 times, get up 8 or something right?
Goodluck handling your situation Adam.
My issues are heavy, I've been doing my best to protect myself from the eventual emotional breakdown I'm going to have from all this. the disconnect is the best way to carry on with the other tasks of my life.
I had a moment today where I tried to put my feeling to pen and paper but simply couldn't do it, it was then that I came back to this thread took some deep breaths and kept my head up.
you guys really need to know that this thread has become the best medicine I could of asked for today
keep keeping your head up Adam, stay strong.
you did the right thing by reaching out. and keep talking to others and work towards writing things down. write your thoughts down works wonders.
nah - doggie. Stories like yours are the best part of this site.
Don't really know you, but I'd thought I'd share this with you...
The toughest thing I had to do was say goodbye to my mother. My mom passed away when I was 25 of cancer. I knew she didn't have much time left and I was there holding her hand when she died. She was the person I was most connected to in this world and it was rough.
If you're dealing with a death in the family or a terminal illness of a loved one I have a couple pieces of advice: If they're still here let them know how much you love them - don't be afraid to talk to them. Also, it might take time before you can grieve and you might feel numb for a while. I made my mother a deathbed promise that I'd go into counseling (she was a psychologist herself - this was important to her) and I couldn't do it for many months. You have to sort things out on your own time.
If you're not dealing with anything like this, then hopefully something I said was useful to you. There's no other choice but to keep on going.
although this is not the hardest thing i've ever had to do, it is happening to me right now, and is therefor very relevant to this discussion. i'm seeing this girl right now, and her brothers are not down with her seeing guys (or even having male friends to begin with). this is a very tight mexican family, and there are 8 brothers. from what i gather, they are kind of the "keepers of the family" and are extremely protective of their little sister. i'm under the impression this is fairly typical of the culture, and i think it's silly, but it is nevertheless very real. they've threatened to kill her if she violates their law and now i'm caught in this relationship where things are begining to get serious, but inevitably down the road things are going to have to come out of the dark. I'm going to meet them at a party this saturday, i think the best i can do is to introduce myself, respect their concerns, and go from there. but i don't know them or their vibe and things could definitely go very wrong. i just really hope shit does not get physical. i'm nervous and she's scared, but like everyone knows, you've got to see that shit through one way or another. to anyone who's been or is going through some shit my advice is to just pick your head up and move forward. and to write it down. turn it into something physical that will inevitably come to an end.