Letters to things and people
schnipper
528 Posts
Dear College,Tomorrow I finish you. I have your last exam in the morning Right now I am trying to finish the take home essay part of said exam, and it's going slowly. This is a terrible class with a professor who maybe once cared, but certainly does not now. For some reason, it feels appropriate to let you fizzle out like that. I learned more from you this past year than I really thought I would the three years before. Thanks for hiring Professor D***a, she is cool and made me a better person. Writing my thesis was tight, too. Later!SchnipperDear DJ Technics,What is that little wooden xylophone noise you have on the guestlist song on that 12" with you Photoshopped into a boxing ring? It sounds so neat. Why do I like this song so much?Matthew SchnipperDear Kingmost,I bet you would like some of Kylie Minogue's songs. Just FYISchnipperDear Ana Mendieta,It totally blows you died. When I saw your exhibit, I was really moved. I don't usually like that performance art-y style shit but you were real serious AND real playful at the same time! "OMG" I thought, "how does she do it?" I mean I guess you did it by living in Iowa and chilling out in the woods and getting high or whatever but that shit is effective. I really liked that thing you did with the stockings over your face so I cut out the little pictures from the Hirshhorn's guide and put them on my wall. I was thinking about moving while staring at nothing and trying to write that paper and looked at the photos and realized I might not get to bring them with me. I know they're just little cut outs but going to that shit was real serious for me, okay? RIP, okay?MatthewDear Pastel Polo Shirts,It's onSchnipperDear Thin Black Hooded Sweatshirt that Doesn't Sag in the Arm,I think you might have to go away because it's real hot in DC but I really like wearing you and it's making me sad. Don't take it personal. I know you are not like a real thing with feelings or whatever but you've been on my body a lot and shit is intimateSchnipperDear Cool Job that Pays Tons of Money,Hi, I'm MatthewSchnipperDear People Attending the Homeless Shelter Benefit Event I am DJing on Saturday,I'm nervous you are going to be bummed out about the music I am playing. I know you are old but I bet you are nice people because you are donating to a homeless shelter and attending their weird hat competition or whatever. Look this nice lady is paying me a bunch of money to do this and I am going to do whatever I can to make everyone real happy but if you aren't stoked on Motown and like the Beach Boys and some real nice soulful style music this might be a problem. I'm going to do what I can, okay?DJ Matthew SchnipperDear My Neck,You always get real sweaty when it's hot out. Why? What else is sweaty? Nothing? My neck skin is going to be real fucked up when I am old because of this. Shit is going to chafe and people and be generally atrocious. I mean, maybe not, but maybe. Am I supposed to get like neck deoderant? Do they make that? IckSchnipperDear Washington Wizards,Not that I am always the biggest sports fan, but I am proud of you dudes and watch your games and get excited. I respect that Kwame Brown decision and think you have integrity and blah blah. I love Gilbert just like every Rockville mom. Good luck against Shaq and the Heat but it's chill if you lose. You goSchnipperDear My Sister,It's going to be so chill when you come down for graduation. We are going to get twistedYour Brother
Comments
I'm not finishing you tomorrow, but I will be soon. But I tell you what, if I didn't past Calc I'm gonna fuck you up you incredible piece of shit. I think I could've learned the same amount of material in about 9 months and saved thousands of dollars. And what's with these new editions of books that are the same as the old ones cept the chapters are switched around and you changed the numbers in the homework problems so you get them wrong? That's fucked up. And what's the deal with having to pay over $100 a semester just to park in a shitty deck that drips shit on my paint and ruins the finish, while people dent up the panelling and try to break into it, all the while I get fat ass tickets cause I couldn't find anywhere to park anyway so I had to make my own space? Oh, and another question, what's with these advisors that don't know what the fuck they're talking about? I mean, they could at least be upfront and say they don't know it instead of pretending like they do. Anyway, I hope these piece of paper is worth it and I wasn't kidding about the calc.
Grafwritah
Dear DJ Technics,
DJs aren't really musicians, just thought you should know.
-G
Dear Random Dead Musicians,
Sorry you died. Half the time I don't think people even own any of your shit but need something to post and what can we say, the Associated Press is prolific. Anyway, try to lay off the heroin or coke or whiskey or whatever it was that made you die prematurely next time around, ok?
grafwritah
Dear Pastel Polo Shirts,
Don't even think about it.
Graf
Dear Cool Job that Pays Tons of Money,
Where are you?
Graf W. Ritah
Dear People Throwing the Homeless Shelter Benefit Event Schnipper is DJing on Saturday,
Just bring me some food and some new socks, ok? I'll be too busy walking backwards talking to myself to really notice the DJ, but it would be great if next time you took that money and all bought us some Magnum 40s and some porn.
Thanks for the thought,
Graf
Dear My Sistahs,
I'm an open minded guy. Bring a few friends, ok?
Thanks,
Grafwritah
I hope to god i finish you on friday. Otherwise, we might be hanging out some more this summer. And also what's up with this map memorization in chinese history? What is this fourth grade shit?
love,
andrew
I feel strange just reading them.
Dear Kinetic-
You're as much of a dork as the rest of us. Let it go. Then maybe Bsides can toss your salad with his sizzzyyruopupup.
Thanks,
G
try it...
it feels great.
I knew it
Ok, ok, lemme have a go. I think I get it now.
Dear Letters to things and people post,
i feel strange when I read you. You make me feel uncomfortable like when white people are confronted with the atrocities their ancestors committed to ethnic minorities in-front of a black person.
Sincerely,
person who is just as nerdy as the rest of you
So... how did i do?
Can I get a mark out of 10?
It's a start. Now talk about your porn collection.
please get busy because i am dying of boredom here. while i don't mind sitting on my ass and getting paid for doing nothing, i would much rather have someone to talk to or something to do at this point in time. thank you.
brian
dear college,
thank you for finally being over. you were a fucking pain in the ass this semester but i am done with you. i will be going to a new college in the fall and i can't say that i will miss you. bye bye.
brian
dear brian,
please finish up the mixtape you have been working on and practice mixing because you suck.
brian
Um... alright.
Dear Porn colection,
where are you? Why have I never been able to find you? Do you exist?
If so, is it ok with you that i have a girlfriend?
See you soon
Kinetic
dear brian,
have you ever heard someone get excited because they're being transferred from one prison to another? no? ok, now maybe you're seeing the cruel joke.
bwahaha,
college
Dear Kinetic,
I am a figment of other soulstrutter's imagination, and their hope that they can somehow feel that their odd fetishes are ormal and legitimate
Bye for now
Porn colection
i understand the joke, but after 3 years on your campus, i really needed a change of scenery. plus, the new college is a ten minute walk away from my home and workplace. i have heard that there are not as many beautiful females at my new college but that is okay because i really need to get focused now.
bye bye,
brian
I am glad you are staying committed to our relationship. I was really beginning to feel like we were drifting apart there. Welcome back buddy.
Love,
Denial
you are still a complete dick
-reality
Dear Grafwritah,
Please kill yourself ASAP.
Thanks, all of soulstrut
Dear Guzzo-
Then please get off me, because you stay on me 24/7. I'm beginning to think you have a secret crush because you keep insisting on making contact when no one has so much as mentioned you in like 9 months.
Please stay away from my ass,
Grafwritah (dick)
Dear all of Soulstrut,
Things will calm down after tomorrow, don't worry.
No weirder than the rest of you,
Grafwritah
You're the first one in six years. Don't pull any funny business on me. I wasn't
looking for this job, but the opportunity to make more money while still being
able to do creative work showed up and I couldn't say no. I'll wear a shirt with
a collar even though I was told it'd be casual.
Help me help you help me(hammad),
Mike
Dear Pap,
On the 28th day of this month of May, in the year of our Lord, 2005, you
will be honored in a fashion beyond your wildest imagination.
Prepare thyself,
Mike (on behalf of all the Soulstrutters with Photoshop)
Dear ladies,
Where you at?
Mike
Dear pigeon-type ladies who think they too good to talk to me and dress
up like Sex and the City but are kinda busted and I don't really wanna talk
to all that much,
I wasn't talkin about you
Mike
Dear 2005,
You kinda really sucked for a minute, but the last two weeks have been dope.
Keep it movin,
Mike
Mike
You are rad.
-Anna
Mike is rad. That was a good post. And looking back over my posts, I think I'm turning Guzzo-esque in a "look at me" fashion, so I'm going to shut up.
I have a week and a half left with you, then we will be apart until mid June, when I come back to you to take a few art and music classes for the Summer semester. Next Fall, after having enjoyed a few months of art and music appreciation, and after being re-energized by a tropical vacation, I will once again be ready to engage you in more serious academic matters.
-Enriched
Dear Rain (and Hail),
Go away. I was mentally preparing myself to enjoy several months of flip-flop weather, when, out of nowhere, you spring a freak hail storm on me, and have me running for my North Face...!?! My flow is totally ruined; but the silver lining is that I needed some time to revitalize my flip-flop game anyway. And when I do...(look out)
-Jon
please git my ballz off of yer chin..
it's not a good look.
ap
what is it with Grafwritah always being a dick?
signed...
um
soulstrut?
Hurry the fuck up & make me feel better. Everyone says you will. At least give me some kinda sign things will pick up for the better......please.
Dear Singers
Hurry up & find my band & be right for us. I can't stand many more lousy auditions & we are all getting sick of writing & playing instrumentals.
Dear Friends
Man, I really know who you are now after the last 6 weeks of shit. I love you people & all the phone calls & messages of love & support I have got from wherever you have dispersed yourself to around the world. Means so much, for real.
Holmes
The semester is almost over and I can't say i felt I learned anything this semester outside of anti-seitism is still very alive. I really didn't plan to go to CSUF to learn just that. Isuggest you step up your game
-Mr. Klein
Dear C******n,
You've made the last few weeks pretty danm amazing however my analytical mind is getting to me. I'm lost as to what is going on. Although having a girl on my side is always great its not great to be as confused by all this as I am. please make shit easier for this young baller to see
-Adam
Dear Insulin,
GIT THEvFUCK ON UP. VINYL AUTHORITY DEATH MARCH. SET IT OFF PRINGLE
-WALLy DOLPHIN
Why don't you turn off the computer, go exercise, get prepared for tomorrow's interview, and NO don't come back checking on soulstrut EVERY 2MIN!
sincerely,
yuichi (your other, more diligent side....)