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prof_rockwell
2,867 Posts
from the bathroom wall:Q: What has 9 arms and sucks?A: Def Leppard!
prof_rockwell
2,867 Posts
Comments
Here's my 0.02..
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A Stick.
One says: "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," replies the other.
"It's true, no bull."
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch.
The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch.
The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.
The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss," to which the old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am.
A duck walks into a bar. rolls up to a stool, flaps his way up onto it, and asks the bartender "do you have any grapes?"
Bartender says "no, i don't have any grapes, and i don't serve ducks in here, so get out!"
Dejected, the duck turns around and bounces.
Next night, same thing. "Do you have any grapes?"
"NO! i told you i don't have any grapes and i don't serve ducks! if you ask me that shit one more time, i'm gonna nail your bill to this bar! Get out!"
a couple nights later, the duck comes in again, jumps up onto a stool and asks,
"do you have any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says "Um, no i don't have any nails."
to which the duck says, "Good. Got any grapes?"
"Can you smell carrots?"
cause it was tied to the bottom of my car.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer", she said.
Opening the drawer he finds some matches on top of a framed photo of another man. Naturally, he begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?"
"No! Of course not!"
"Then I guess it's your boyfriend."
"Ha! No, it's not", she said with an odd grin.
"Who is he then?"
"That's me before the operation!"
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos and vibrators, looking for something special to please his wife. He then started talking to the old man behind the counter and explained his situation to him.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will quite do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep a woman of her kind occupied for weeks, except ???" said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is... the 'Voodoo Dick,'" the old man said.
"So what's the deal with this Voodoo Dick?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there on a black velvet cloth lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Dick, door!"
The Voodoo Dick rose slowly out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo Dick, box!"
The Voodoo Dick immediately stopped, gently floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to the businessman's offer of $700 in cash. The guy then took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that for her to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo Dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Dick. She got it out, and, as her husband had instructed her, said "Voodoo Dick..., my pussy!" The Voodoo Dick rose slowly out of its box, then shot to her pussy and started pumping furiously. It was incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to make the Voodoo Dick stop. So she immediately decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on quickly, got in her car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the Voodoo Dick. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a Voodoo Dick was stuck in her pussy, and it wouldn't stop screwing her.
The officer looked at her for a moment, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo Dick, my ass!"
He ate pizza before it was cool.
DR. DRE!
Grasshopper replies, "you got a drink named Steve?"