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Anybody heard any good jokes lately?

GaryGary 3,982 Posts
edited March 2010 in Strut Central
Who has somoething to share?
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  • RockadelicRockadelic Out Digging 13,993 Posts
    A lawyer and a doctor get in a car wreck.

    The doctor is dazed and sitting on the curb waiting for police to arrive.

    The lawyer comes over with a flask and offers the doctor a drink to calm his nerves.

    The doctor takes a hearty swig and hands the flask back to the lawyer.

    The doctor says "Thanks, that really helped, aren't you gonna have some"

    The lawyer says "Yep, as soon as the Cops leave"
  • HorseleechHorseleech 3,830 Posts
    I hate flying but had to take a plane the other day.

    I was nervous as hell with visions of air disasters driving me crazy.

    So I asked the stewradess "Hey, do these planes crash often?"

    "No" she said "just once".

    (Rodney Dangerfield RIP)
  • DORDOR Two Ron Toe 9,903 Posts
    C-SPAN

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buSv1jjAels
  • Simon_JimmonSimon_Jimmon 40 Posts
    I got one. courtesy of one of my dads friends straight outta Minnesota.

    A penquin is cruising through the desert. He stops at a gas stop, gets one of the staff to check out the car while he goes in for an ice cream.
    He comes out, cone in hand, asks the attendant how's the car doing.
    He replies: "Well buddy, it looks like you just blew a seal"
    The penquin replies: "No, it's just ice cream!"
  • bluesnagbluesnag 1,285 Posts

    How do you make Lady Gaga cry?


    Poke her face!
  • skelskel You can't cheat karma 5,033 Posts
    Where does Speedy Gonzales buy rare records from?

    Andale Andale ebay ebay ebay
  • HarveyCanalHarveyCanal "a distraction from my main thesis." 13,234 Posts
    I think I had a good one tonight at the bar. My friend was recounting a time when he fucked a really fat chick back in college. He said not only did she have a fupa, but she had the phases of the moon tatooed across it. To which I said...

    That puts me in a bad mood all month long.
  • ZomBZomB 397 Posts
    Did you hear the one about the blind circumciser?

    He got the sack...
  • FrankFrank 2,374 Posts
    A catholic priest and his secret lover are having a talk:

    - "I don't think I can see you anymore"

    - "But why? Is it because I am a man of the cloth?"

    - "No, it's because I think that you're a pedophile..."

    - "You're callin me a pedophile? That's a pretty big word for a 6 year old!"
  • OkemOkem 4,617 Posts
    Where does Speedy Gonzales buy rare records from?

    Andale Andale ebay ebay ebay

    LOLs.
  • finelikewinefinelikewine "ONCE UPON A TIME, I HAD A VINYL." http://www.discogs.com/user/permabulker 1,416 Posts
    A catholic priest and his secret lover are having a talk:

    - "I don't think I can see you anymore"

    - "But why? Is it because I am a man of the cloth?"

    - "No, it's because I think that you're a pedophile..."

    - "You're callin me a pedophile? That's a pretty big word for a 6 year old!"



    Having been incarcerated in a certain scandal-ridden catholic boarding school in upper bavaria in the mid of the 90s, these are the kind of jokes i can enjoy a lot lately.
    Not without a certain kind of schadenfreude of course.
  • GaryGary 3,982 Posts
    Not a joke, but a comment on an imdb message board made me laugh:

    by yerma_isakunt 3 hours ago (Thu Apr 1 2010 05:04:03) Ignore this User | Report Abuse
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Aren't/Weren't all Nazis zombies in a way? Maybe they all didn't want to eat flesh and be all weird 'n shtuff, but they were all basically zombies, like republicans and your mom.





    That's f*cking funny to me.
  • HorseleechHorseleech 3,830 Posts
    Having been incarcerated in a certain scandal-ridden catholic boaring school in upper bavaria in the mid of the 90s, these are the kind of jokes i can enjoy a lot lately.
    Not without a certain kind of schadenfreude of course.

    A priest and a rabbi are walking through the park when they spy a young boy playing by himself.

    "Hey rabbi, let's go screw that kid."

    "Out of what?"
  • chrisflyerchrisflyer 275 Posts
    Not a joke, but a comment on an imdb message board made me laugh:

    by yerma_isakunt 3 hours ago (Thu Apr 1 2010 05:04:03) Ignore this User | Report Abuse
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Aren't/Weren't all Nazis zombies in a way? Maybe they all didn't want to eat flesh and be all weird 'n shtuff, but they were all basically zombies, like republicans and your mom.





    That's f*cking funny to me.

    is that about Dead Snow?
  • WoimsahWoimsah 1,734 Posts
    Q: Why do Catholic priests love twenty-seven year-olds?

    A: Because there are 20 of them.







    (tells better than it reads)
  • GaryGary 3,982 Posts
    Not a joke, but a comment on an imdb message board made me laugh:

    by yerma_isakunt 3 hours ago (Thu Apr 1 2010 05:04:03) Ignore this User | Report Abuse
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Aren't/Weren't all Nazis zombies in a way? Maybe they all didn't want to eat flesh and be all weird 'n shtuff, but they were all basically zombies, like republicans and your mom.





    That's f*cking funny to me.

    is that about Dead Snow?

    Yeah. I was pretty disappointed with that movie.
  • chrisflyerchrisflyer 275 Posts
    Not a joke, but a comment on an imdb message board made me laugh:

    by yerma_isakunt 3 hours ago (Thu Apr 1 2010 05:04:03) Ignore this User | Report Abuse
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Aren't/Weren't all Nazis zombies in a way? Maybe they all didn't want to eat flesh and be all weird 'n shtuff, but they were all basically zombies, like republicans and your mom.





    That's f*cking funny to me.

    is that about Dead Snow?

    Yeah. I was pretty disappointed with that movie.

    same here. I watched 2/3 of it yesterday and was so bored, i turned it off. Back to Netflix with ye.
  • GaryGary 3,982 Posts
    Not a joke, but a comment on an imdb message board made me laugh:

    by yerma_isakunt 3 hours ago (Thu Apr 1 2010 05:04:03) Ignore this User | Report Abuse
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Aren't/Weren't all Nazis zombies in a way? Maybe they all didn't want to eat flesh and be all weird 'n shtuff, but they were all basically zombies, like republicans and your mom.





    That's f*cking funny to me.

    is that about Dead Snow?

    Yeah. I was pretty disappointed with that movie.

    same here. I watched 2/3 of it yesterday and was so bored, i turned it off. Back to Netflix with ye.


    AFter it was over I started Rescue Dawn which so far is AWESOME.
  • DJFerrariDJFerrari 2,411 Posts
    Not a joke, but a comment on an imdb message board made me laugh:

    by yerma_isakunt 3 hours ago (Thu Apr 1 2010 05:04:03) Ignore this User | Report Abuse
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Aren't/Weren't all Nazis zombies in a way? Maybe they all didn't want to eat flesh and be all weird 'n shtuff, but they were all basically zombies, like republicans and your mom.





    That's f*cking funny to me.

    is that about Dead Snow?

    Yeah. I was pretty disappointed with that movie.

    That movie was pretty f*cked up!
  • mateomateo 163 Posts
    kid asks his grandma,
    " i got the biggest dick in the 5th grade. is it cuz im black?"
    grandma says
    " no its cuz ur supposed to be in 10th grade"
  • BreezBreez 1,706 Posts
    Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb??

    A: 4, 1 to screw it in and 3 to right a song about it.
  • the_dLthe_dL 1,531 Posts
    how many strutters does it taake to change a light globe?











    10, one to change the globe and the rest to bitch how the original was better

    i know old joke but its all i got right now
  • shooteralishooterali 1,591 Posts
    I got one. courtesy of one of my dads friends straight outta Minnesota.

    A penquin is cruising through the desert. He stops at a gas stop, gets one of the staff to check out the car while he goes in for an ice cream.
    He comes out, cone in hand, asks the attendant how's the car doing.
    He replies: "Well buddy, it looks like you just blew a seal"
    The penquin replies: "No, it's just ice cream!"

  • asstroasstro 1,754 Posts
    How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

















    What's for dinner?
  • jaysusjaysus 787 Posts
    How many dyslectics does it take to change a light bulb?


    Two, One to ladder the hold and the other to bulb the turn.


    What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhino?

    Elephino!
  • FatbackFatback 6,746 Posts
    Post deleted by Fatback
  • FatbackFatback 6,746 Posts
    Two rednecks are walking down a dirt road. They see an old hound-dog up on a porch licking its balls. One turns to the other and says. "Man, I wish I could do that." The other replies, "I dunno he might bite you."
  • sticky_dojahsticky_dojah New York City. 2,136 Posts
    How man dj's do you Need to screw in ? lightbulb?

    10

    One to screw in the lightbulb and 9 on the guestlist.
  • sticky_dojahsticky_dojah New York City. 2,136 Posts
    Why can Nazis Never become good DJs?

















    Cause they don't Know the difference between 33 and 45.
  • dukeofdelridgedukeofdelridge urgent.monkey.mice 2,453 Posts
    Q: WHAT KIND OF PANTS DOES MARIO WEAR?

    A: "DENIM-DENIM-DENIM"
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