Joke Time!

GaryGary 3,982 Posts
edited April 2009 in Strut Central
I'm stealing this one from Gilbert Gottfried:A man gets "I Love You tattooed on his dick. He goes home and his wife says "Why are you always trying to put words in mouth?"
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  • sabadabadasabadabada 5,966 Posts
    Luiggi, Patty and Lek all work in construction as riveters way up on a skyscaper. All three sit down for lunch on a beam high above the city. Each opens his lunch pail. In turn: Luiggi, "Oh No! Not another meatball sandwich. I hate the meatball samwich. If I get one more meatball samwich, Ima going to jump off of this building and a kill myself." Patty, "Begorum! Corned beef and potatoes again. If I gets corned beef one more time, I'm going to jump off this building and dash meself into smithereens! Lek, "Kielbassa again! If I get one more kielbassa for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself.

    So. The next day, they all sit down to lunch again on the same steel beam high above the city, open their lunch buckets and exclaim. In turn: Luiggi: "Ah! Meetballs again" - and he jumps off the building and kills himself, Patty, "Corned beef again!" - and he jumps off the building and kills himself, Lek, "Kielbassa again!" - and he jumps off and kills himself.

    The next day, the construction company holds a funeral for the three workers. The three widows stand at the foot of the grave sobbing as they lower the coffins. In turn: Widow 1, "If I had only known that my beloved Luiggi didn't like meatballs, I would have made him something else." Widow 2, "Saints alive, if I had known that Patty didn't like corned beef, I would have made him something else. Widow 3,


























    wait for it
































    "Lek always packed his own lunch."

  • So, a seal walks in to a club...........

  • edubedub 715 Posts
    a termite walks onto a bar:

    - "is the bar tender here?"

  • ageage 1,131 Posts
    How many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb?




    F*ck em', let em cry!

  • OkemOkem 4,617 Posts
    Do you like fish sticks?

  • ZEN2ZEN2 1,540 Posts
    Q: How many punks does it take to change a lightbulb?














    A: None. Punk never changed anything.

  • SnagglepusSnagglepus 1,756 Posts
    Q: How many metalheads does it take to change a lightbulb?





    A: None. Metalheads aren't afraid of the dark.

  • skelskel You can't cheat karma 5,033 Posts
    How many binary mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Ten. One to change the bulb and one to hold the chair.

  • nzshadownzshadow 5,518 Posts
    How many body builders does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Four.

    One to do it, three to say "lookin good man, lookin good"

  • skelskel You can't cheat karma 5,033 Posts
    Two TV aerials got married.

    The wedding was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.


    (word to Tommy Cooper)

  • How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?









    *sigh* You don't know??

  • skelskel You can't cheat karma 5,033 Posts
    Two fish in a tank.

    One says to the other, "you drive, I'll man the guns".


    (more word to Tommy Cooper)

  • A fish is swimming down the river, runs into a concrete slab, and says, "Damn!"

  • verb606verb606 2,518 Posts
    What did 0 say to 8?

    "Nice belt."

  • LaserWolfLaserWolf Portland Oregon 11,517 Posts
    How many soulstrutters does it take to change a lightbulb.

    I'm not sure, they are still arguing whether the current lightbulb is still works.

  • GrandfatherGrandfather 2,303 Posts
    How many binary mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    10[/b]. One to change the bulb and one to hold the chair.
    bro....

  • GrandfatherGrandfather 2,303 Posts
    a pony goes into a bar sits down
    he whispers "hey can i get a beer?"
    Bartender says "Sorry buddy could you speak up? I can't hear you."
    Pony- *cough cough* "Excuse me I'm a little horse."

  • The_Hook_UpThe_Hook_Up 8,182 Posts
    A piece of string goes into a bar. The baretender throws him out yelling "we dont serve pieces of string in here!"
    The piece of string then starts to scruff himself up on the sidewalk, and gets all tangled up and rough.
    He goes back in the bar and the baretender asked "hey arent you that piece of string I just threw out?"
    The string replies, "nope, a frayed knot"

  • verb606verb606 2,518 Posts
    A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender: "Do you have any grapes?"

    The bartender, annoyed, says "No I don't have any grapes. And I don't serve ducks in here, so get out!"

    The duck leaves.

    Next day, the duck comes back in and asks "Do you have any grapes?

    Bartender: "No! I told you yesterday I don't have any grapes and I don't serve ducks. If you come in here one more time and ask me that I'm going to nail your bill to this bar!" The duck leaves.

    Next day, the duck comes back in and asks: "Do you have any nails?"

    Bartender: "What? No I don't have any nails."

    Duck: "OK, great. Do you have any grapes?"

  • tripledoubletripledouble 7,636 Posts
    a man walks in to a bar and asks for five shots...
    he lines the em up and starts knocking em back.
    bartender gets curious and asks "whats the occasion buddy?"
    "ahh. my first blowjob" as he finishes the last shot.
    the bartender smiles and offers "well if thats the case, the next shots on me!"
    "hey man, if the first five didnt get the taste out my mouth, i doubt the sixth one will."



    and...
    what is orange and sounds like a parrot?

  • tripledoubletripledouble 7,636 Posts



























    A CARROT!!!

  • tripledoubletripledouble 7,636 Posts
    i asked a high school kid that once and he immediately repsonded, "you?"
    little fucker

  • How do you make a dead baby float?

    Two scoops of Ice Cream, Two scoops of Dead Baby, and some Root Beer.

  • How do you make a dead baby float?

    Two scoops of Ice Cream, Two scoops of Dead Baby, and some Root Beer.

    Actually, it's root beer and two scoops of dead baby.


    I'm trying to quit dead baby jokes, but that's always been my favorite.

  • A guy walks into a pet store. He starts talking to the woman behind the counter about wanting a pet. However, he is not sure what kind of pet he wants to get. He tells her that he wants something clean, easy to take care of, and ???different.??? The woman then suggests that he get a millipede.

    ???A millipede???? he says, surprised by her suggestion. ???A millipede? Do a lot of people keep millipedes as pets???? he asks her.

    She responds, ???Not really, but you said that you want something different, and a millipede certainly fits the bill. Not only that, but it is also clean and easy to take care of; just what you wanted.???

    After debating with himself for a few minutes, the man buys the millipede.
    He carries it home with him in a box, and sets the box next to him on the couch. He spends the next few hours watching TV in silence, sitting next to the millipede in the box.

    Eventually, the man taps on the box and says, ???Hey, you wanna go for a walk????
    The millipede does not respond.

    He waits a few minutes before knocking on the box again. He then knocks and says, ???Hey, what are you, deaf? I asked if you want to go on a walk!???

    After a few seconds of silence, the millipede says, ???Damnit! I heard you the first time! I???m putting my shoes on!???

  • GrandfatherGrandfather 2,303 Posts
    A guy walks into a bar.
    As he sits he notices to pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling.
    He orders his beer then after a few minutes, curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the bartender about the odd ceiling ornament.
    "Hey buddy, why is that meat hanging up there?"
    Bartender - "Oh, well thats a tradition we have in this bar. Its a game actually."
    "Whats the game?"
    "Well, If you can knock down those pieces of meat with your beer mug, you can drink for free. If you don't you have to pay for everyone's drinks tonight"
    The patron, thinks about this proposition for a moment.
    Finally he declines and says
    "Sorry, the steaks are just too high."

  • selperfugeselperfuge 1,165 Posts
    lot of puns in here
    what, no obama jokes?

  • LaserWolfLaserWolf Portland Oregon 11,517 Posts
    lot of puns in here
    what, no obama jokes?

    Obama promised change.
    He has been in office 3 months and still hasn't changed my lightbulb.

  • GaryGary 3,982 Posts
    How many binary mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    10[/b]. One to change the bulb and one to hold the chair.
    bro....






    I chortled in the office.

  • tripledoubletripledouble 7,636 Posts
    what do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?













    cuatro cinco
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