The Soulstrut Roundtable Jam: "Farting" - 12/10/08b, 21b, 21/font1
font class="small"1Quote:
/font1
h, 21
b, 21- A little while back I was dawdling outside a Kinko's for some reason or another, and I overheard a couple of salesladies from the nearby Montauk Sofa store on an executive-length smoke break commiserating about some guy who had apparently been coming in the store every couple of months acting like he was really interested in buying a couch, and spending a long time walking around the showroom by himself, sitting on all the couches with great focus as if evaluating them for comfort and bounce. It turns out, though, that dude had in fact been very deliberately burying depth-charge farts in every single couch ("I mean, real rippers, Denise") every single time he comes in. "I thought he was just some harmless weirdo, but once I put two and two together, I had Greg chase him out and just Febreze everything. Oh my god, it was disgusting. I told them, I said, 'we're gonna have to get the steamer in here, a-sap.'"
b, 21
b, 21
h, 21
font class="post"1b, 21b, 21/font1
font class="small"1Quote:
/font1
h, 21
b, 21I was at a wake recently with some cronies from work, and we were all huddled in a far corner of the place where we believed we were out of harms way. Loose conversation was taking place, as this was not a particularly tragic wake rather one where joking about the dead guy and smiling and having a good time was not looked down upon or a particularly big deal. In the middle of someone telling some nonsense story I let a little slippy run free, thinking with all honesty that it would get trapped in my many layers of uniform and not smell at all. A few moments later my friend Gambino (who not coincidentally has one of the biggest noses I've ever laid eyes on) stopped someone in mid-sentence with this gem "yeah that's great, but who the fvck farted?". Anxious moments followed as I hoped that maybe someone else might have contributed to the gaseous salad we were all being treated to and maybe he could have taken all the blame, but no. Just me. So I raised my hand. "ARE YOU FVCKING KIDDING ME? IN A WAKE?". "Bro, I didn't think it would smell I've been drinking mad green tea". "DUDE HOLY SHIT, THAT FVCKING STINKS WHY DIDN'T YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM". Me, now laughing and turning beet red "I'm sorry man, I really didn't...oh fvck" at this point for some reason that I'll never figure out pretty much EVERYONE that was at the wake decided to come walk over to our area to see some photos that were right next to us. We instantly left, giggling like schoolchildren. There were a few old folks mixed in so I'm figuring one of them probably got the blame, but these poor saps walked right into something fierce.
b, 21
b, 21A few weeks later we had our company christmas party, someone dropped one right near the bar and guess who automatically got the blame.
b, 21
b, 21My poor girl has learned my dun language at this point too. She's figured out that when we're out somewhere and I suddenly turn into Gen. Patton and order her "Go stand over there" that it's my special time to shine.
b, 21
b, 21Now that I think about it, I really have bad luck when I try to let them go in a safe area. It always seems that I'm playing against the zone defense of life and someone comes running over if they see me trying to be alone for a spell.
b, 21
b, 21
h, 21
font class="post"1b, 21b, 21/font1
font class="small"1Quote:
/font1
h, 21
b, 21this sorta happened to me recently. I was at the hospital with my wife (regular blood work, nothing major) and I was in this pretty swank waiting area. It was all open with big windows and nice furniture for a hospital. I was sitting in a chair while wifey was with the doctor and had to let one go. I look at the chair across from me and noticed that the cushion part was pretty thick and that there was upholstery going all down the side. I figured all this would muffle it pretty good and I could keep it stealth.
b, 21
b, 21So I press eject and a trebly, quite loud rrrrrip comes out. wtf? I look at my chair to discover that it was a different model than the one across from me. The distance between my butt and the bottom of the cushion was only like four inches. I might as well have been standing up. The place was pretty empty, but there was one dude in the vicinity who had to have heard it. I was the prime suspect, yet neither of us did or said anything. I appreciated his discretion, real or imagined. My SBD game is usually better than that.
b, 21
b, 21
h, 21
font class="post"1b, 21b, 21/font1
font class="small"1Quote:
/font1
h, 21
b, 21Oh god...that killed me.
b, 21I was actually farting throughout the poast, which at first I thought, WOW...this is cosmically connected, only to snap back to the fact that I fart all the time- something I generally have no problem with, but others around me seem to be all uptight about (I EAT KOREAN FOOD).
b, 21
b, 21Some super challenging times for me are when people let a crazy one rip in yoga class when we're all in some super bent over ass up position in some quasi 'zen' mode, and no one laughs! It kills me a little every time, not being able to laugh.
b, 21
b, 21Why are farts funny.
b, 21
b, 21
h, 21
font class="post"1b, 21b, 21/font1
font class="small"1Quote:
/font1
h, 21
b, 21The deadliest gas I've ever encountered was at various Catholic Churches on the Island at Christmas Eve Mass........pretty sure that's why they call them "pews".
We could certainly have a Soulstrut feature with an interview of Chuck Negron focusing solely on his penis pyrotechnics. That would be much better than another review of some private label 1960s folk dookie platter.
Me: Standing next to car at gas pump at the gas station, preparing to put gas in the tank.
Crackhead: HEY! SOOOO, WHATCHA DOIN? PUMPIN' GAS?
After me looking at her like she was an idiot, she proceeded to ask me for 75 cents "for the bus, or something." It's like, the bus? Really? That's the best you can do?
I think I would be more inclined to dole out change if they were at least marginally creative or funny. Like, make me laugh or something. Or do SOMETHING. Like, "Hey, I'll shit my pants for 75 cents!" I'd be all over that.
It would blow me away if one of them would be like, "Yeah can I get some change for a rock?" I think that's a much better use for 75 cents than riding public transportation anyway.
Sween's thread must have been before January 2005, as the current archives have nothing before then (and I just looked at the list of threads he started - no "memorable farts" there!).
I told (current Stooges bassist) Mike Watt that the latest Stooges album was like finding out that Bruce Lee peed sitting down, a big disappointment. He didnt say anything. The Stooges need to quit
Comments
12/29/08, "Woman Lights Man's Genitals On Fire"
Frank:
Mannybolone:
Gary you dirty dawg, i didn't know you knew my friend Anna- either that or whoever you gave the advise to took you up on it!! ahaahahahaaahaaaa....
http://www.soulstrut.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=518633&page=0&fpart=1&vc=1
This one is a solid five stars. I been using it as much a possible.
http://www.soulstrut.com/ubbthreads/show...true#Post686544