While we were out to dinner one night I called our neighbors to light up all the candles in our living room. When we got back my girl was utterly confused as to how all these candles were lit. Then I asked her "Will you marry me," she said yes and started crying up a storm. I didn't have a ring for her, but her grandparents gave us their first set of rings to have. That was much more special. Not to mention, much cheaper.
We got married at a bed & breakfast in the mountains, outside, next to a river, small ceremony, and we all went innertubing afterwards.
We're separated now. But we're still on good terms and both treasure the memories.
i still don't think asking her father for permission over the phone is a big deal, but based on these responses, i will make sure to do it in person. not sure how i am gonna get this done before monday, in fact, i think its impossible. so thanks strutters...for f*cking up my engagement plans. back to the drawing board.
i still don't think asking her father for permission over the phone is a big deal, but based on these responses, i will make sure to do it in person. not sure how i am gonna get this done before monday, in fact, i think its impossible. so thanks strutters...for f*cking up my engagement plans. back to the drawing board.
I sat down with the parents, explained my intentions and asked for their blessing. They wanted to be sure that she wasn't converting to judaism, we would be married in a church, and our kids would be catholic.
I proposed to my ex-wife in bed on the morning of her birthday (June 22 - It actually entered my mind the other day on the anniversary). Pulled the ring out from under my pillow & popped the question. I didn't ask her dad for permission though, but he was very happy when she told him. We've been seperated for 2 & a half years now though, I haven't spoken to her since the day she left (take that one to the "when was the last time you forgave someone" thread). Just make sure you choose your partner wisely because it isn't fun when things don't work out. Good luck & all the best though to everyone who is making their relationships work.
I proposed to my ex-wife in bed on the morning of her birthday (June 22 - It actually entered my mind the other day on the anniversary). Pulled the ring out from under my pillow & popped the question. I didn't ask her dad for permission though, but he was very happy when she told him. We've been seperated for 2 & a half years now though, I haven't spoken to her since the day she left (take that one to the "when was the last time you forgave someone" thread). Just make sure you choose your partner wisely because it isn't fun when things don't work out. Good luck & all the best though to everyone who is making their relationships work.
I proposed to my wife the same way. Except under the mattress, not the pillow. It wasn't well-planned, but well-timed, because we were at her folks' and we could announce it to everybody. I made up for it later...
Personally, I think this is one of those traditions which is worth honoring if your partner thinks it's a good idea (no need to introduce bad blood on the front end if dad-in-law is going to be pissed you didn't) but in general, I'd check with your fiancee-to-be first and see what she thinks.
Personally, I think "asking dad's permission" is some old school remnant of patriarchal days when daughters were chattel. Of course, the same could be said of the institution of marriage in general but while I have less issues with marriage (since, well, I'm married), I personally didn't like it idea of having to ask my father in law's permission, even for tradition's sake.
As my wife put it, back then, "I'm a grown ass woman. Fuck would you ask my father for?" [Note: those were not her exact words, but I'm paraphrasing].
I asked my wife's father over the phone. We don't see him often and he lived far away at the time. He was really happy and even cried. I was glad I asked him and he was glad too. Do it in person if possible, but over the phone at least.
And good luck! I just got married a couple of weeks ago and it was the best thing I ever did. Enjoy being engaged though. People will try and rush you to get married, but plan it at your own pace.
and then they're all going to want grandkids, so get busy.
I don't know how old you are but put that shit off for a few years, at least.
Seriously though: dude, DON'T LET SOULSTRUT GOVERN YOUR ENGAGEMENT PLANS. I'm glad you love us all like that but c'mon. Do what you want to do.
Asking Dad over the phone (even if I think it's a lame practice) is FINE. He'll likely be glad you did it. I highly doubt he's going to put down the phone and be all, "Mary, that bitch ass future son in law of ours didn't even have the deceny to see me in person!"
I sat down with the parents, explained my intentions and asked for their blessing. They wanted to be sure that she wasn't converting to judaism, we would be married in a church, and our kids would be catholic.
Just curious but how do you feel about that? Do you care what religion your kids are raised with?
I sat down with the parents, explained my intentions and asked for their blessing. They wanted to be sure that she wasn't converting to judaism, we would be married in a church, and our kids would be catholic.
Oliver I respect that you didn't buy rings, didn't ask pops, went down to the courthouse and got it done with no ceremony... but plaese to not downplay the significance of ceremony to most women and dads.
I was raised in a VERY liberal family and my parents, siblings, and close friends ALL told me that I need to ask the father in person. I'm really glad I did.
It's really not about asking dad's permission like you say. That is such a kneejerk liberal overreaction to tradition. It is, to me, about presenting yourself to the family as a son-in-law and displaying your level of commitment. If you can't make time and gather up the balls to talk to her dad, what are you gonna really do for his daughter? Before I asked my girl's father, he barely knew me. We had met ONCE. So, while we still barely know each other, we spent a good couple hours together and he saw me at my most insecure and nervous moment. He sees my commitment to his daughter now, even though he knew (and said as much) that she would make whatever decision suited her regardless of his opinion. It's the gesture that counts.
I proposed in a crazy restaurant in Amsterdam on New Year's Eve at midnight. We were then serenaded by the next door table of drunk Italian and Japanese businessmen who ordered a magnum of champagne for us all to celebrate and sang/slurred various happy songs at us before picking up our enormous tab. Walked back to our hotel through all the madness and fireworks and street parties (first child born exactly 9 months later...), a perfect night.
We phoned her dad the next morning to tell him the good news. His reaction? "But why? Well, I'm not paying for the wedding and I'm not wearing a suit."
I sat down with the parents, explained my intentions and asked for their blessing. They wanted to be sure that she wasn't converting to judaism, we would be married in a church, and our kids would be catholic.
Just curious but how do you feel about that? Do you care what religion your kids are raised with?
I'm ok with it because it's what she wants, not just what they want. I'm basically non-religious and I don't want my kids growing up fearing Hell, but on the other hand I fell in love with a Catholic girl, and if I have kids that turn out like her, I will be very blessed. I spoke with a Rabbi about it and even he said if I wasn't going to raise them Jewish, it would be better to raise them Catholic than to raise them with both or neither. Presenting them with both and saying they can make their own decision forces them to choose between mommy and daddy, which can be harmful. Doing neither deprives them of the "gift of religion".
I know people who were raised with both and they???re fine, they never made any decision, just kept both. However, that wouldn???t work for me because I???m not a practicing Jew.
I had always imagined that when my kids were 4 or 5 I would present them with the basic ideas of the world???s major religions and let them choose, and I still will educate them like that and tell them my own beliefs. My other strategy is to explore Catholicism for the lessons that I do agree with and emphasize those. Jesus was a mench.
Aw fuck - I wrote this long ass reply and then got the "form no longer valid" error.
I got to get on the road up to the Bay Area but let me write the short version.
First of all, I did get married in a lovely backyard ceremony at a friend's house. We do have rings that we picked out (albeit, we never wear them). We did NOT do the engagement ring.
I am not anti-ceremony, let alone anti-romantic.
I am, however, wary of traditions functioning as cultural scripts where people are effectively trying to carry on traditions simply to carry them on but with little critical thought as to WHY they're carrying them on. I'm not talking about, you know, bridesmaid dresses needing to match (even though it's a source of tension in every wedding I've ever been to).
I'm talking about traditions that have questionable/problematic traditions. Taking your husband's name (obvious remnant of patriachy). The way in which betrothal rings have evolved into diamond engagement rings (purely modern, post-1930s phenom). And yeah, asking the dad.
I think the reasons you gave for doing it are good and make sense. But for example, in general, how many people ask the Mom? It's not like she's excluded but in the cases I've known, it doesn't occur to people to include - as part of the gesture - an overture to the mom for permission or whatever you want to call it. The tradition has always been to "ask the dad." Not "ask the parents" even if some people do this.
My point here is that I'm not trying to impose my world view on how people want to carry out their wedding. BUT, by the same token, if other people are going to say, "you NEED to do this" then I'm going to suggest, "well, actually, maybe you don't really NEED to" and that it's a good idea, before blindly carrying out certain traditions, to take a moment and really think about what the gesture means and why you're carrying it out. Most of these gestures are innocuous and moreover, if they make someone happy, then hey, more power. But to do it just to do it? I don't see why those traditions need to be perpetuated just for the sake of.
I had always imagined that when my kids were 4 or 5 I would present them with the basic ideas of the world???s major religions and let them choose
Would you let them choose science?
Like I said, I'm non-religious, so what do you think?
The idea above started when I was young and I felt very left out becuase I was a minority in my public school. I also hated the idea of being told what I should believe just becuase I was born to certain parents. Especially becuase they weren't even religious themselves. They sent my brother and I to Hebrew school because they just wanted us to have some connection to Judaism because they were raised in Jewish neighborhoods and were Jewish in culture but not belief.
I think it will be more like, when my kids start asking those kinds of unanswerable questions about life, I'll say that Catholics believe this, I believe that, scientists belive this, scientologists believe that, Bhuddists believe this, etc... Then ask them to think about what they believe. And whatever they say will be ok with me, as long as they're not hurting anyone. Isn't that warm and fuzzy? YAY!
Comments
Got married three weeks ago, with Raj as a groomsmen and Soulstrut heiress Miabella as flower girl
We got married at a bed & breakfast in the mountains, outside, next to a river, small ceremony, and we all went innertubing afterwards.
We're separated now. But we're still on good terms and both treasure the memories.
Make it good.
A quickie "OK w/U if I wed D-r?" is in order.
i still don't think asking her father for permission over the phone is a big deal, but based on these responses, i will make sure to do it in person. not sure how i am gonna get this done before monday, in fact, i think its impossible. so thanks strutters...for f*cking up my engagement plans. back to the drawing board.
I sat down with the parents, explained my intentions and asked for their blessing.
They wanted to be sure that she wasn't converting to judaism, we would be married in a church, and our kids would be catholic.
I proposed to my wife the same way. Except under the mattress, not the pillow. It wasn't well-planned, but well-timed, because we were at her folks' and we could announce it to everybody. I made up for it later...
Personally, I think this is one of those traditions which is worth honoring if your partner thinks it's a good idea (no need to introduce bad blood on the front end if dad-in-law is going to be pissed you didn't) but in general, I'd check with your fiancee-to-be first and see what she thinks.
Personally, I think "asking dad's permission" is some old school remnant of patriarchal days when daughters were chattel. Of course, the same could be said of the institution of marriage in general but while I have less issues with marriage (since, well, I'm married), I personally didn't like it idea of having to ask my father in law's permission, even for tradition's sake.
As my wife put it, back then, "I'm a grown ass woman. Fuck would you ask my father for?" [Note: those were not her exact words, but I'm paraphrasing].
I don't know how old you are but put that shit off for a few years, at least.
Seriously though: dude, DON'T LET SOULSTRUT GOVERN YOUR ENGAGEMENT PLANS. I'm glad you love us all like that but c'mon. Do what you want to do.
Asking Dad over the phone (even if I think it's a lame practice) is FINE. He'll likely be glad you did it. I highly doubt he's going to put down the phone and be all, "Mary, that bitch ass future son in law of ours didn't even have the deceny to see me in person!"
Just curious but how do you feel about that? Do you care what religion your kids are raised with?
Otis McFunk Jr.
I was raised in a VERY liberal family and my parents, siblings, and close friends ALL told me that I need to ask the father in person. I'm really glad I did.
It's really not about asking dad's permission like you say. That is such a kneejerk liberal overreaction to tradition. It is, to me, about presenting yourself to the family as a son-in-law and displaying your level of commitment. If you can't make time and gather up the balls to talk to her dad, what are you gonna really do for his daughter? Before I asked my girl's father, he barely knew me. We had met ONCE. So, while we still barely know each other, we spent a good couple hours together and he saw me at my most insecure and nervous moment. He sees my commitment to his daughter now, even though he knew (and said as much) that she would make whatever decision suited her regardless of his opinion. It's the gesture that counts.
We phoned her dad the next morning to tell him the good news. His reaction?
"But why? Well, I'm not paying for the wedding and I'm not wearing a suit."
I'm ok with it because it's what she wants, not just what they want. I'm basically non-religious and I don't want my kids growing up fearing Hell, but on the other hand I fell in love with a Catholic girl, and if I have kids that turn out like her, I will be very blessed.
I spoke with a Rabbi about it and even he said if I wasn't going to raise them Jewish, it would be better to raise them Catholic than to raise them with both or neither. Presenting them with both and saying they can make their own decision forces them to choose between mommy and daddy, which can be harmful. Doing neither deprives them of the "gift of religion".
I know people who were raised with both and they???re fine, they never made any decision, just kept both. However, that wouldn???t work for me because I???m not a practicing Jew.
I had always imagined that when my kids were 4 or 5 I would present them with the basic ideas of the world???s major religions and let them choose, and I still will educate them like that and tell them my own beliefs. My other strategy is to explore Catholicism for the lessons that I do agree with and emphasize those.
Jesus was a mench.
Would you let them choose science?
I got to get on the road up to the Bay Area but let me write the short version.
First of all, I did get married in a lovely backyard ceremony at a friend's house. We do have rings that we picked out (albeit, we never wear them). We did NOT do the engagement ring.
I am not anti-ceremony, let alone anti-romantic.
I am, however, wary of traditions functioning as cultural scripts where people are effectively trying to carry on traditions simply to carry them on but with little critical thought as to WHY they're carrying them on. I'm not talking about, you know, bridesmaid dresses needing to match (even though it's a source of tension in every wedding I've ever been to).
I'm talking about traditions that have questionable/problematic traditions. Taking your husband's name (obvious remnant of patriachy). The way in which betrothal rings have evolved into diamond engagement rings (purely modern, post-1930s phenom). And yeah, asking the dad.
I think the reasons you gave for doing it are good and make sense. But for example, in general, how many people ask the Mom? It's not like she's excluded but in the cases I've known, it doesn't occur to people to include - as part of the gesture - an overture to the mom for permission or whatever you want to call it. The tradition has always been to "ask the dad." Not "ask the parents" even if some people do this.
My point here is that I'm not trying to impose my world view on how people want to carry out their wedding. BUT, by the same token, if other people are going to say, "you NEED to do this" then I'm going to suggest, "well, actually, maybe you don't really NEED to" and that it's a good idea, before blindly carrying out certain traditions, to take a moment and really think about what the gesture means and why you're carrying it out. Most of these gestures are innocuous and moreover, if they make someone happy, then hey, more power. But to do it just to do it? I don't see why those traditions need to be perpetuated just for the sake of.
Shit, wifey's yelling at me. Time to hit the I5.
Like I said, I'm non-religious, so what do you think?
The idea above started when I was young and I felt very left out becuase I was a minority in my public school. I also hated the idea of being told what I should believe just becuase I was born to certain parents. Especially becuase they weren't even religious themselves. They sent my brother and I to Hebrew school because they just wanted us to have some connection to Judaism because they were raised in Jewish neighborhoods and were Jewish in culture but not belief.
I think it will be more like, when my kids start asking those kinds of unanswerable questions about life, I'll say that Catholics believe this, I believe that, scientists belive this, scientologists believe that, Bhuddists believe this, etc... Then ask them to think about what they believe. And whatever they say will be ok with me, as long as they're not hurting anyone. Isn't that warm and fuzzy? YAY!