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Loved ones with a mental illness.

DelayDelay 4,530 Posts
edited May 2007 in Strut Central
when does helping someone who suffers from depression and anxiety stop being an option? at what point do you sever ties in order to keep yourself heathy and sane? should you feel guilty for being "selfish"? if anyone has some advice for me, i could really use it right now.

  Comments

  • CousinLarryCousinLarry 4,618 Posts
    I spent the majority of my childhood worrying about my bipolar father. I let it stress me out to the point that I had a major stomach bleed when I was 11 and lost a huge percentage of my blood volume. It was so bad the doctors thought I had leukemia.

    I stayed with my dad every other weekend as a kid and I never knew which dad I was going to get once the weekend came. Super happy manic dad, depressed sleep all day dad, or my actual father. I spent a lot of time worrying about his behavior and his well-being. Often I was more of a parent to him then he was to me. It was a really strange relationship.

    As I grew up though I came to the realization that worrying about things you can't control is a waste of energy. Once I let go of all of that tension and accepted my father for who he is it made things a lot easier. It is still difficult at times, but I have learned to accept that his mental illness is part of the package. That said he is medicated and is aware of his own condition. He is also stable enough to hold a part time job, something he was not able to do during most of my childhood.

    It is a lot more difficult when a family member won't seek help or is not even aware of their problem. My fianc?? is going through this with her father. I try and stress the same point to her though. There is only so much you can do. Be honest with your family member. Tell them that you think they need help and that you are there for them. Beyond that there is not much you can do. That in is a tough realization, but it will make it easier to cope with the situation.

    I hope this didn't come off preachy and lame. I am speaking from my own experience and I am sure there are others out there who might see it differently.
  • thesolelifethesolelife 369 Posts
    Not that it's a complicated question, however, there are other questions I would like to know. I've been practicing in the mental health/substance use field for six years so I do have some experience.

    Is there substance use/abuse involved?
    Does this person acknowledge their mental health issues/challenges?
    Does this person have other support systems?
    Is this person connected with a mental health out/in patient agency?

    I know you mostly talk about your sanity. Have you attempted to help this person and s/he does not want to deal with their challenges? In some cases, all you can do is plant the seed and they will receive help in the future. In my experiences, medication coupled with providing coping skills/tools to deal with the depression and anxiety is most effective. This person ultimately may need professional attention.

    It's important you realize when you are beginning to feel unhealthly though (about this situation).

    Please feel free to PM me if needed.

    Hope all is well.
  • DJ_NevilleCDJ_NevilleC 1,922 Posts
    Maybe you heard it but NPR did a nice piece this morning on this very topic.

    http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=10264040
  • ElectrodeElectrode Los Angeles 3,127 Posts
    There's a history of depression, bipolarity and other conditions on my mother's side of the family. Whenever I hear of a family member going through some emotional issue it's always my drama-filled aunt and friction involving my grandmother and mother. My dad's side is relatively "normal" (if you could say that about anybody), although they're quite conservative and I feel that they roll their eyes at those situations. Thankfully, I have never experienced anything remotely extreme of the sort, in myself or relatives, for as long as I lived, but I definitely know where the few social quirks that I have come from.

    Depression is a genetic, emotional issue and the best thing you can do is always remind them, as both a blood relative and as a friend, that they are loved. And as much as I dislike Big Pharm shadiness, modern medicine does provide help for involunatry chemical disorders in the brain and people shouldn't feel like they are "crazy" for using such. However, there are times when it feels like it's starting to get out of control and you have to say, "Look, you're standing on your own two feet, you have food in your stomach and people know you exist. It's time to snap your self out the self-pity." I hope all turns out well.
  • HonkyFippleHonkyFipple 418 Posts
    it's important that people with mental issues go to a therapist/psychologist. maybe a psychiatrist. you can suport your friends and talk to them, but let pros do the work. same goes foryour family or relationship. make sure your beloved ones go to a good, proper specialist. they need to. if the doctor doesn't help, try to find another one. there's always hope and most problems can be solved.
  • cnbagrrlcnbagrrl 11 Posts
    having dealt with partners and family in the past with their mental states, be it involuntary psychological disorders or their own mental destruction, it can be very hard and trying to see yourself "abandoning" them in their time of "need". but i've had, on two occasions, to separate myself from the situation in a way that let them know i was still their for them if they needed me to be, but that it was also negatively affecting my own circumstances and that wasn't healthy for me. it is a sensitive topic to bring up and to enforce. but, in your gut, you know whether or not it's worth it to you to stick it out with them and take it in stride, or to take the opportunity to step away from their situation [with support].
    i would never abandon someone without ensuring they know where and how to get the help that they need. it can be as simple as making sure they're part of a support group, and if you're comfortable, even attending with them to show them you still care about them even if you can't put yourself out every 5 minutes to "help them deal".
    another important support structure is identifying the type of mental illness and you yourself being aware of the history, symptoms, and signs. educate yourself on what they're going through and it will be easier for you to understand when situations arise that might seem irrational or irregular. this is not to avoid them but to help them point out when they're letting their own situation affect themselves in a negative way.

    all that being said...
    it is still your life and you still need to run it. this may sound cliche, but you still have to be a man and take control of your life. even if that means stepping outta the way when someone tries to make their circumstance one of your own.

    support and affection go along way, but aren't the only answers to mental illness. you still have to do you.

    good luck tom.
  • SwayzeSwayze 14,705 Posts
    Its hard to say. Try to get the person help via psychiatrist or psychologist. For a large portion of my life up until about 5 months or so ago I had a severe and crippling anxiety disorder. I couldnt do things by myself like take the subway or stay out till a certain time, Id constantly riddle my friends with my anxiety and many of them found it hard to deal with. All I needed was a certain anti anxiety med that did the trick. Coming from the experience I have had with my own problem, give the person time, stay back for a while and explain to them that they need to get some form of help and you will bring your relationship back together once they get the help they deserve. Peace, hope I could be of halp.
  • RockadelicRockadelic Out Digging 13,993 Posts
    I only have one piece of advice from my personal experience on the topic...


    Put all of your feelings about the person in writing and give them multiple copies. Tell them how much you love them, care for them, how important they are to the people around them, etc.

    I found I was most likely to try to verbalize these things when the person was at the height of their illness, making my efforts virtually useless.

    But if they have them in writing, where they can read them at a quieter, more level headed time, it will do much more good than trying to force feed them to "the beast".

    In retrospect I wish I had done more of this.

    Once you're confident you have done all you can do, you have to make the decision that is best for you and your sanity.


    All the best.

    Rich
  • jinx74jinx74 2,287 Posts
    for me it would depend on how close this "loved one" is.

    immediate family member that you cant let go... youre going to need your own classes on how to deal with a family member whos depressed/suicidal/etc. there are classes you can take at your local hospital im sure.

    shit... i have more to write but my ride just got here. sorry tom. hope all works well with your situation.
  • SouthCrackalackSouthCrackalack 3,853 Posts
    Nice post Rockadelic..I like that idea.

    Mental Illness fucking sucks. My folks is like the poster family for that shit.
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