Big_Stacks"I don't worry about hittin' power, cause I don't give 'em nuttin' to hit." 4,670 Posts
Someone is not being honest about what is going on in this relationship. It's a great rarity that beef cannot be squashed through honest dialog. Let's assume that you are being honest. Lying in order to preserve a relationship is a death sentence, except when discussing a significant other's new outfit, in which case you are simply showing compassion. If you find that you are having to eat shit and cannot actually come to an understanding on the regular, just imagine what shit will be like when the real shit hits the fan. Magic eight ball says, "prospects are not good". Try not giving in and not judging your stance. You may find that your friend turns a new leaf.
Emotional intimacy is key to a successful relationship. If you cannot be real, the relationship WILL fail.
You're a nice young man with a great future ahead of you. Relationships, intimacy, blah, blah, blah...Pork a million chicks & make a million bucks. Get the pink & the green and you'll be fine. Really, there's nothing else that matters. When you're 50 and tired from all the jet setting and fucking, find yourself a nice 30-something year old woman to take care of you when you get old and maybe have a kid. There. You're set. Thank me later.
Now, a confession: I was in a long-term relationship with a woman who loved nothing more than a good fight. And I finally had to admit that I was accepting her invitations all too often.
aye aye......I've been down that familiar path.
good thing is, whatever doesn't break you, defines you. Most important thing I've learned are these 3 words.....
blah, blah, blah...Pork a million chicks & make a million bucks. Get the pink & the green and you'll be fine. Really, there's nothing else that matters. When you're 50 and tired from all the jet setting and fucking, find yourself a nice 30-something year old woman to take care of you when you get old and maybe have a kid.
A**********, I don't think it's yessing someone to death so much as just literally picking your battles. There is some stuff I'll go to the mat for, and others where I'm just like "it's not that important."
Exactly.
My wife is crazy stubborn so I know sometimes to let things kind of fade out and take their course. Not ever saying be on some "yes dear" type shit, but sometimes you have to take a loss to win, YAFEALMEH?! When she's wrong she usually ends up apologizing once things calm down anyway. Again, we're talking marrige horse and carrige here so things are a bit different.
sometimes to let things kind of fade out and take their course.
So true, besides the basic don't fight over trivial shit thing. I think where a lot of you are going with this deeper (honesty/take it like a woman)..this also applies.
Arguments cycles like this is like over analysis of a relationship. If we had toom many discussions about every incident or sentiment (''sometimes youre just too like this..'' I dont like such and such attitutde..) there would be no end and it just ours the relationship. Just take the good with the bad. Like roomates, family memebers, travel parteners. You wont always have beautiful days... HJowever no need to get all polarized over things..let some shit roll and see how you feel about the chick in general
A**********, I don't think it's yessing someone to death so much as just literally picking your battles. There is some stuff I'll go to the mat for, and others where I'm just like "it's not that important."
Exactly.
My wife is crazy stubborn so I know sometimes to let things kind of fade out and take their course. Not ever saying be on some "yes dear" type shit, but sometimes you have to take a loss to win, YAFEALMEH?! When she's wrong she usually ends up apologizing once things calm down anyway. Again, we're talking marrige horse and carrige here so things are a bit different.
i try not to get into right/wrong arguments - more like where do you stand, where do i stand and where to next?
is it too personal to ask for examples?
what do you guys consider small stuff that you are willing to let slide?
Me and my lady have pretty much learnt from each other when someone is blowing up over something trivial..this is when one of us usually goes silent.
I`m more the kind of person to get weighed down by worries and bring that out in other daily frustrations - she has learnt this and keeps clear or doesn`t rise to the bait.
Usually you can bring someone down by talking normally when they are shouting and slowly get them to communicate at a normal volume and explain themselves better.
If your current is the type to go on and on and you just get so tired you just want it to end so apologise(when you really don`t want to) all you are doing is giving that person a free licence to use you to make themselves feel better.They know they can grind you down when it isn`t really the case.You have to be honest or you are making things worse in the long run.The day you don`t give in you`ll make her even more frustrated because you didn`t go the way she expected..
All relationships require consistency.You have your way of doing thingsand you stick to it.Its the same with kids..you show too much flexibility and they`ll walk all over you.You suddenly decide you don`t like something and you want it to stop you`ll have a harder time stopping it later on than if you nipped it in the bud straight away.
I had an ex who argued a lot.I gave in a lot until it got too much and i started fighting back.I couldn`t win anyway - some people need the adrenaline rush of anger or arguing.When i started arguing back it blew up way too much.The relief after that relationship ended was immense.
Try different methods to see what works - if nothing works get the fuck out!!
Big_Stacks"I don't worry about hittin' power, cause I don't give 'em nuttin' to hit." 4,670 Posts
Hey,
Just to add on, the crux of the matter is simple. Are the annoyances that your dating partner or spouse perpetuate the result of (1) fatal flaws or (2) idiosyncrasies or "his/her way of doing things". Example of a fatal flaw is a person who is unwilling to admit being wrong in an argument. An idiosyncrasy is not putting toilet seat down after using the bathroom. The 2nd issue, while annoying to some, can be adjusted to more than the 1st. All too often we ignore the gravity of the 1st issue and magnify the 2nd one. When you detect fatal flaws in folks, you should leave the relationship because 9 times out of 10, these fatal flaws will not go away, will wreck your relationship, and cause you unneeded misery. Here are some other fatal flaws to steer clear of:
-Dishonesty (leads to eventual betrayal). -Poor creditworthiness (leads to incurred debt, lack of upward mobility). -Laziness (see above). -Belligerence (may lead to violence). -Superficiality (may lead to debt). -Lack of frugality (see above). -Narcissism (leads to neglect of significant others needs). -Emotional maladjustment (leads to unhappiness.
Love does not hurt either emotionally or physically.
I didn't read the entire 4+ page thread, cause this discussion could go on for days. Let me add my 2 bits. I'm a married guy (almost 2 years) and have been with my wife for 3 years total. Lots of arguments, disagreements, etc, and most of the time we have either made up or reached some kind of compromise. If there's anything I learned, it's that "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" shit is TRUE and surprisingly useful.
I know, but hear me out... the saying goes, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong when you are fighting. Thinking you are right is based on the asusmption that there is only one version of the "truth" in whatever happened that led to the fight.
When my wife and I have our BIG fights -- which are usually around the same issues, especially if they weren't fully resolved the first time around -- I'm learning to pay more attention to her and less attention to being right. Trying to be right some or all of the time eats up so much of my energy that I realized it ain't worth it.
So: do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy? If happy means compromising, putting the ego in check, and relenting - go for it.
and: Are you focusing on who is right, and who is wrong? Or, is it more important to focus on what's working (or not working) in how you communicate and resolve your issues.
I'm learning that 99% of the time, what I perceive to be stubbornness or ego from my wife, stems from her feeling like she hasn't been heard.
So, I put my ego in check, and first give her the time to air her side of the story, and make sure she feels HEARD. When a woman feels like she's been heard the path forward is much easier.
hope that helps as a community service to the board.
I didn't read the entire 4+ page thread, cause this discussion could go on for days. Let me add my 2 bits. I'm a married guy (almost 2 years) and have been with my wife for 3 years total. Lots of arguments, disagreements, etc, and most of the time we have either made up or reached some kind of compromise. If there's anything I learned, it's that "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" shit is TRUE and surprisingly useful.
I know, but hear me out... the saying goes, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong when you are fighting. Thinking you are right is based on the asusmption that there is only one version of the "truth" in whatever happened that led to the fight.
When my wife and I have our BIG fights -- which are usually around the same issues, especially if they weren't fully resolved the first time around -- I'm learning to pay more attention to her and less attention to being right. Trying to be right some or all of the time eats up so much of my energy that I realized it ain't worth it.
So: do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy? If happy means compromising, putting the ego in check, and relenting - go for it.
and: Are you focusing on who is right, and who is wrong? Or, is it more important to focus on what's working (or not working) in how you communicate and resolve your issues.
I'm learning that 99% of the time, what I perceive to be stubbornness or ego from my wife, stems from her feeling like she hasn't been heard.
So, I put my ego in check, and first give her the time to air her side of the story, and make sure she feels HEARD. When a woman feels like she's been heard the path forward is much easier.
hope that helps as a community service to the board.
not really - increasing the gulf between men and women (mars-venus) is not really helping anyone.
i agree with some of what you say but i don't get how it proves that women and men are soooo different and have to be dealt with differently in relationships.
if putting women and men into different categories (in the context of relationships) works for you, go crazy, but i really don't think it's a universal answer to man-woman conflicts, you know?
When a woman feels like she's been heard the path forward is much easier.
I didn't read the entire 4+ page thread, cause this discussion could go on for days. Let me add my 2 bits. I'm a married guy (almost 2 years) and have been with my wife for 3 years total. Lots of arguments, disagreements, etc, and most of the time we have either made up or reached some kind of compromise. If there's anything I learned, it's that "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" shit is TRUE and surprisingly useful.
I know, but hear me out... the saying goes, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong when you are fighting. Thinking you are right is based on the asusmption that there is only one version of the "truth" in whatever happened that led to the fight.
When my wife and I have our BIG fights -- which are usually around the same issues, especially if they weren't fully resolved the first time around -- I'm learning to pay more attention to her and less attention to being right. Trying to be right some or all of the time eats up so much of my energy that I realized it ain't worth it.
So: do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy? If happy means compromising, putting the ego in check, and relenting - go for it.
and: Are you focusing on who is right, and who is wrong? Or, is it more important to focus on what's working (or not working) in how you communicate and resolve your issues.
I'm learning that 99% of the time, what I perceive to be stubbornness or ego from my wife, stems from her feeling like she hasn't been heard.
So, I put my ego in check, and first give her the time to air her side of the story, and make sure she feels HEARD. When a woman feels like she's been heard the path forward is much easier.
hope that helps as a community service to the board.
not really - increasing the gulf between men and women (mars-venus) is not really helping anyone.
i agree with some of what you say but i don't get how it proves that women and men are soooo different and have to be dealt with differently in relationships.
if putting women and men into different categories (in the context of relationships) works for you, go crazy, but i really don't think it's a universal answer to man-woman conflicts, you know?
When a woman feels like she's been heard the path forward is much easier.
so this doesn't apply to men?
Understanding that men and women are different doesn't increase the gulf between them, it brings them closer together.
If someone expects the other person to think/behave just like they do, that's when they run into problems.
suggested reading: "You Just Don't Understand!: Men and Women in Conversation"
I didn't read the entire 4+ page thread, cause this discussion could go on for days. Let me add my 2 bits. I'm a married guy (almost 2 years) and have been with my wife for 3 years total. Lots of arguments, disagreements, etc, and most of the time we have either made up or reached some kind of compromise. If there's anything I learned, it's that "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" shit is TRUE and surprisingly useful.
I know, but hear me out... the saying goes, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong when you are fighting. Thinking you are right is based on the asusmption that there is only one version of the "truth" in whatever happened that led to the fight.
When my wife and I have our BIG fights -- which are usually around the same issues, especially if they weren't fully resolved the first time around -- I'm learning to pay more attention to her and less attention to being right. Trying to be right some or all of the time eats up so much of my energy that I realized it ain't worth it.
So: do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy? If happy means compromising, putting the ego in check, and relenting - go for it.
and: Are you focusing on who is right, and who is wrong? Or, is it more important to focus on what's working (or not working) in how you communicate and resolve your issues.
I'm learning that 99% of the time, what I perceive to be stubbornness or ego from my wife, stems from her feeling like she hasn't been heard.
So, I put my ego in check, and first give her the time to air her side of the story, and make sure she feels HEARD. When a woman feels like she's been heard the path forward is much easier.
hope that helps as a community service to the board.
not really - increasing the gulf between men and women (mars-venus) is not really helping anyone.
i agree with some of what you say but i don't get how it proves that women and men are soooo different and have to be dealt with differently in relationships.
if putting women and men into different categories (in the context of relationships) works for you, go crazy, but i really don't think it's a universal answer to man-woman conflicts, you know?
When a woman feels like she's been heard the path forward is much easier.
so this doesn't apply to men?
Understanding that men and women are different doesn't increase the gulf between them, it brings them closer together.
If someone expects the other person to think/behave just like they do, that's when they run into problems.
suggested reading: "You Just Don't Understand!: Men and Women in Conversation"
it's a given that men and women are different, every person is different from the next. and yes, understanding this helps in every type of relationship.
i just don't think sweeping statements about either sex help anything or anyone.
it will be eight years for me in my present relationship and i've been in enough of them (!!) to say that my biggest lesson has been to use things in common, not the differences, as the starting point to resolutions.
i have never felt that i am that different (as the opposite sex) from my boyfriends in my wants, needs and expectations.
not really - increasing the gulf between men and women (mars-venus) is not really helping anyone.
i agree with some of what you say but i don't get how it proves that women and men are soooo different and have to be dealt with differently in relationships.
if putting women and men into different categories (in the context of relationships) works for you, go crazy, but i really don't think it's a universal answer to man-woman conflicts, you know?
When a woman feels like she's been heard the path forward is much easier.
so this doesn't apply to men?
Understanding that men and women are different doesn't increase the gulf between them, it brings them closer together.
If someone expects the other person to think/behave just like they do, that's when they run into problems.
One of the basic assumptions of the "Men are from Mars" concept is that men and women ARE different in so many ways - it's not meant to widen the gulf between between the sexes, rather (as otis says) it's supposed to narrow the gap by increasing our understanding of how we are different. Different isn't good or bad, it just IS.
And yes, guys need to to feel heard. But I've recently decided that maybe I should give my wife the opportunity to speak first and speak fully. It's tough cause I want to butt in -- hanging back and really listening is a skill that most guys need to work on big time. I know I do.
I can only speak from my end as a guy, and I know myself well enough to say that my ego gets in the way when I have a disagreement with my wife. Some guys may not have that issue. On the flipside, some women may (and do) have egos too big to make compromise an option.
So, the way I approach it is to focus on (1) finding options and solutions that we can both live with, (2) letting go of some issues/pet peeves that I might be attached to but in the long run don't really matter, (3) making sure I am hearing everything that my wife is telling me.
Downside of all this: it's tough, it makes me wonder if I am compromising TOO much, and it takes time to see results.
I think if one person does most or all of the compromising, and feels dissatisfied, then they owe it to themselves and the relationship to communicate this to their partner. It won't work if one person does all the work and makes all the compromises.
And if "Men are from Mars" doesn't help, there's always counselling.
You're a nice young man with a great future ahead of you. Relationships, intimacy, blah, blah, blah...Pork a million chicks & make a million bucks. Get the pink & the green and you'll be fine. Really, there's nothing else that matters. When you're 50 and tired from all the jet setting and fucking, find yourself a nice 30-something year old woman to take care of you when you get old and maybe have a kid. There. You're set. Thank me later.
I didn't read the entire 4+ page thread, cause this discussion could go on for days. Let me add my 2 bits. I'm a married guy (almost 2 years) and have been with my wife for 3 years total. Lots of arguments, disagreements, etc, and most of the time we have either made up or reached some kind of compromise. If there's anything I learned, it's that "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" shit is TRUE and surprisingly useful.
I know, but hear me out... the saying goes, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong when you are fighting. Thinking you are right is based on the asusmption that there is only one version of the "truth" in whatever happened that led to the fight.
When my wife and I have our BIG fights -- which are usually around the same issues, especially if they weren't fully resolved the first time around -- I'm learning to pay more attention to her and less attention to being right. Trying to be right some or all of the time eats up so much of my energy that I realized it ain't worth it.
So: do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy? If happy means compromising, putting the ego in check, and relenting - go for it.
and: Are you focusing on who is right, and who is wrong? Or, is it more important to focus on what's working (or not working) in how you communicate and resolve your issues.
I'm learning that 99% of the time, what I perceive to be stubbornness or ego from my wife, stems from her feeling like she hasn't been heard.
So, I put my ego in check, and first give her the time to air her side of the story, and make sure she feels HEARD. When a woman feels like she's been heard the path forward is much easier.
hope that helps as a community service to the board.
not really - increasing the gulf between men and women (mars-venus) is not really helping anyone.
i agree with some of what you say but i don't get how it proves that women and men are soooo different and have to be dealt with differently in relationships.
if putting women and men into different categories (in the context of relationships) works for you, go crazy, but i really don't think it's a universal answer to man-woman conflicts, you know?
When a woman feels like she's been heard the path forward is much easier.
so this doesn't apply to men?
Understanding that men and women are different doesn't increase the gulf between them, it brings them closer together.
If someone expects the other person to think/behave just like they do, that's when they run into problems.
suggested reading: "You Just Don't Understand!: Men and Women in Conversation"
it's a given that men and women are different, every person is different from the next. and yes, understanding this helps in every type of relationship.
i just don't think sweeping statements about either sex help anything or anyone.
it will be eight years for me in my present relationship and i've been in enough of them (!!) to say that my biggest lesson has been to use things in common, not the differences, as the starting point to resolutions.
Good points
i have never felt that i am that different (as the opposite sex) from my boyfriends in my wants, needs and expectations.
Usually, the differences show themselves in the way that those things are communicated and expressed.
i have never felt that i am that different (as the opposite sex) from my boyfriends in my wants, needs and expectations.
Usually, the differences show themselves in the way that those things are communicated and expressed.
for sure...and this is the stuff to wade through and get past...because beyond that is where we have a lot more in common than folks think - and to me, that's the important stuff.
it's a hard thing to do, i know this, but i think trying to hear what the person is saying as opposed to dwelling on how they're saying it helps things. but you know, sometimes you want to hear "you are the smartest, hottest and most talented person i know" and not "you're pretty cool"
Here are some other fatal flaws to steer clear of:
-Dishonesty (leads to eventual betrayal). -Superficiality (may lead to debt). -Narcissism (leads to neglect of significant others needs). -Emotional maladjustment (leads to unhappiness).
Holy shit, this is my ex. NB: Not turning this into a thread about ex's but this sums her up pretty good. I had no hope.
Anyways, anyone ever get the feeling relationships are more trouble than they are worth? Seriously, why do we put up with these games? Sure they can be cool when they are going well, but there is always pain & suffering at some stage. Sometimes I just wonder if the whole relationship headaches are totally worthwhile.
Here are some other fatal flaws to steer clear of:
-Dishonesty (leads to eventual betrayal). -Superficiality (may lead to debt). -Narcissism (leads to neglect of significant others needs). -Emotional maladjustment (leads to unhappiness).
Holy shit, this is my ex.
NB: Not turning this into a thread about ex's but this sums her up pretty good. I had no hope.
Anyways, anyone ever get the feeling relationships are more trouble than they are worth? Seriously, why do we put up with these games? Sure they can be cool when they are going well, but there is always pain & suffering at some stage. Sometimes I just wonder if the whole relationship headaches are totally worthwhile.
Well, the pain and suffering go with life's territory....it's worth it though if only for the joy that does come with being in love, connecting with people and creating family. True, it can all fall apart and life is short, but that's what makes it so worthwhile.
You're a nice young man with a great future ahead of you. Relationships, intimacy, blah, blah, blah...Pork a million chicks & make a million bucks. Get the pink & the green and you'll be fine. Really, there's nothing else that matters. When you're 50 and tired from all the jet setting and fucking, find yourself a nice 30-something year old woman to take care of you when you get old and maybe have a kid. There. You're set. Thank me later.
Peace
h
sounds pretty much like me. thanks for summing this up, very good. the only fear I have is that no 30+ girl will be interested in me when i'm 50. but yeah, I still look good, so it shouldn't be that much of a problem
You're a nice young man with a great future ahead of you. Relationships, intimacy, blah, blah, blah...Pork a million chicks & make a million bucks. Get the pink & the green and you'll be fine. Really, there's nothing else that matters. When you're 50 and tired from all the jet setting and fucking, find yourself a nice 30-something year old woman to take care of you when you get old and maybe have a kid. There. You're set. Thank me later.
Peace
h
sounds pretty much like me. thanks for summing this up, very good. the only fear I have is that no 30+ girl will be interested in me when i'm 50. but yeah, I still look good, so it shouldn't be that much of a problem
It doesn't matter what age you are. Just make sure you roll in style & you'll get the ladies. Laugh, fuck, & then laugh some more. If anyone keeps you from achieving these objectives, then take them out of your life. Another key thing is to spend money on yourself and nobody else except your moms. Once you start making a paycheck, you have to get your mom a nice gift every week. Also, treat your parents to a nice dinner weekly, too. Always show your parents respect. Beyond that, just spray come all over women, don't let anyone fuck with yours, and get that cash. If you follow these rules, you'll live a happy life. I promise.
Comments
Peace,
Big Stacks from Kakalak
Wait, why was I thinking the entire time I was the one who was always right?
You're a nice young man with a great future ahead of you. Relationships, intimacy, blah, blah, blah...Pork a million chicks & make a million bucks. Get the pink & the green and you'll be fine. Really, there's nothing else that matters. When you're 50 and tired from all the jet setting and fucking, find yourself a nice 30-something year old woman to take care of you when you get old and maybe have a kid. There. You're set. Thank me later.
Peace
h
Trust me this is the reality series everyone on soulstrut is dying to see: At Home with Faux Rillz and Coselmed.
Peace,
Big Stacks from Kakalak
aye aye......I've been down that familiar path.
good thing is, whatever doesn't break you, defines you. Most important thing I've learned are these 3 words.....
"let it go"
try it sometime
Why do I feel like the mental exhaustation and the female trouble threads are going to merge later today.
Exactly.
My wife is crazy stubborn so I know sometimes to let things kind of fade out and take their course. Not ever saying be on some "yes dear" type shit, but sometimes you have to take a loss to win, YAFEALMEH?!
When she's wrong she usually ends up apologizing once things calm down anyway.
Again, we're talking marrige horse and carrige here so things are a bit different.
So true, besides the basic don't fight over trivial shit thing. I think where a lot of you are going with this deeper (honesty/take it like a woman)..this also applies.
Arguments cycles like this is like over analysis of a relationship. If we had toom many discussions about every incident or sentiment (''sometimes youre just too like this..'' I dont like such and such attitutde..) there would be no end and it just ours the relationship. Just take the good with the bad. Like roomates, family memebers, travel parteners. You wont always have beautiful days... HJowever no need to get all polarized over things..let some shit roll and see how you feel about the chick in general
i try not to get into right/wrong arguments - more like where do you stand, where do i stand and where to next?
is it too personal to ask for examples?
what do you guys consider small stuff that you are willing to let slide?
big stuff: you work too much
actually there where so damn small I can't remember, all I can recollect is I had to apologize, but JP does provide a good example.
Yeah "working" too much or "doing your own thing" was a frequent thing.
PLAESE TO NOT LET THIS TURN INTO A VENT ABOUT YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER/EX'S THRAED
That rillness.
I`m more the kind of person to get weighed down by worries and bring that out in other daily frustrations - she has learnt this and keeps clear or doesn`t rise to the bait.
Usually you can bring someone down by talking normally when they are shouting and slowly get them to communicate at a normal volume and explain themselves better.
If your current is the type to go on and on and you just get so tired you just want it to end so apologise(when you really don`t want to) all you are doing is giving that person a free licence to use you to make themselves feel better.They know they can grind you down when it isn`t really the case.You have to be honest or you are making things worse in the long run.The day you don`t give in you`ll make her even more frustrated because you didn`t go the way she expected..
All relationships require consistency.You have your way of doing thingsand you stick to it.Its the same with kids..you show too much flexibility and they`ll walk all over you.You suddenly decide you don`t like something and you want it to stop you`ll have a harder time stopping it later on than if you nipped it in the bud straight away.
I had an ex who argued a lot.I gave in a lot until it got too much and i started fighting back.I couldn`t win anyway - some people need the adrenaline rush of anger or arguing.When i started arguing back it blew up way too much.The relief after that relationship ended was immense.
Try different methods to see what works - if nothing works get the fuck out!!
Just to add on, the crux of the matter is simple. Are the annoyances that your dating partner or spouse perpetuate the result of (1) fatal flaws or (2) idiosyncrasies or "his/her way of doing things". Example of a fatal flaw is a person who is unwilling to admit being wrong in an argument. An idiosyncrasy is not putting toilet seat down after using the bathroom. The 2nd issue, while annoying to some, can be adjusted to more than the 1st. All too often we ignore the gravity of the 1st issue and magnify the 2nd one. When you detect fatal flaws in folks, you should leave the relationship because 9 times out of 10, these fatal flaws will not go away, will wreck your relationship, and cause you unneeded misery. Here are some other fatal flaws to steer clear of:
-Dishonesty (leads to eventual betrayal).
-Poor creditworthiness (leads to incurred debt, lack of upward mobility).
-Laziness (see above).
-Belligerence (may lead to violence).
-Superficiality (may lead to debt).
-Lack of frugality (see above).
-Narcissism (leads to neglect of significant others needs).
-Emotional maladjustment (leads to unhappiness.
Love does not hurt either emotionally or physically.
Peace,
Big Stacks from Kakalak
I know, but hear me out... the saying goes, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong when you are fighting. Thinking you are right is based on the asusmption that there is only one version of the "truth" in whatever happened that led to the fight.
When my wife and I have our BIG fights -- which are usually around the same issues, especially if they weren't fully resolved the first time around -- I'm learning to pay more attention to her and less attention to being right. Trying to be right some or all of the time eats up so much of my energy that I realized it ain't worth it.
So: do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy? If happy means compromising, putting the ego in check, and relenting - go for it.
and: Are you focusing on who is right, and who is wrong? Or, is it more important to focus on what's working (or not working) in how you communicate and resolve your issues.
I'm learning that 99% of the time, what I perceive to be stubbornness or ego from my wife, stems from her feeling like she hasn't been heard.
So, I put my ego in check, and first give her the time to air her side of the story, and make sure she feels HEARD. When a woman feels like she's been heard the path forward is much easier.
hope that helps as a community service to the board.
not really - increasing the gulf between men and women (mars-venus) is not really helping anyone.
i agree with some of what you say but i don't get how it proves that women and men are soooo different and have to be dealt with differently in relationships.
if putting women and men into different categories (in the context of relationships) works for you, go crazy, but i really don't think it's a universal answer to man-woman conflicts, you know?
so this doesn't apply to men?
Understanding that men and women are different doesn't increase the gulf between them, it brings them closer together.
If someone expects the other person to think/behave just like they do, that's when they run into problems.
suggested reading: "You Just Don't Understand!: Men and Women in Conversation"
it's a given that men and women are different, every person is different from the next. and yes, understanding this helps in every type of relationship.
i just don't think sweeping statements about either sex help anything or anyone.
it will be eight years for me in my present relationship and i've been in enough of them (!!) to say that my biggest lesson has been to use things in common, not the differences, as the starting point to resolutions.
i have never felt that i am that different (as the opposite sex) from my boyfriends in my wants, needs and expectations.
One of the basic assumptions of the "Men are from Mars" concept is that men and women ARE different in so many ways - it's not meant to widen the gulf between between the sexes, rather (as otis says) it's supposed to narrow the gap by increasing our understanding of how we are different. Different isn't good or bad, it just IS.
And yes, guys need to to feel heard. But I've recently decided that maybe I should give my wife the opportunity to speak first and speak fully. It's tough cause I want to butt in -- hanging back and really listening is a skill that most guys need to work on big time. I know I do.
I can only speak from my end as a guy, and I know myself well enough to say that my ego gets in the way when I have a disagreement with my wife. Some guys may not have that issue. On the flipside, some women may (and do) have egos too big to make compromise an option.
So, the way I approach it is to focus on (1) finding options and solutions that we can both live with, (2) letting go of some issues/pet peeves that I might be attached to but in the long run don't really matter, (3) making sure I am hearing everything that my wife is telling me.
Downside of all this: it's tough, it makes me wonder if I am compromising TOO much, and it takes time to see results.
I think if one person does most or all of the compromising, and feels dissatisfied, then they owe it to themselves and the relationship to communicate this to their partner. It won't work if one person does all the work and makes all the compromises.
And if "Men are from Mars" doesn't help, there's always counselling.
AKA "The long expensive breakup." (I wish I could take credit for that, but a friend of mine coined it years ago after a long expensive breakup.)
BTW: I think Miss B. has a lot of little dudes shook right about now.
Good points
Usually, the differences show themselves in the way that those things are communicated and expressed.
for sure...and this is the stuff to wade through and get past...because beyond that is where we have a lot more in common than folks think - and to me, that's the important stuff.
it's a hard thing to do, i know this, but i think trying to hear what the person is saying as opposed to dwelling on how they're saying it helps things. but you know, sometimes you want to hear "you are the smartest, hottest and most talented person i know" and not "you're pretty cool"
But, I'm pretty cool too.
NB: Not turning this into a thread about ex's but this sums her up pretty good.
I had no hope.
Anyways, anyone ever get the feeling relationships are more trouble than they are worth? Seriously, why do we put up with these games? Sure they can be cool when they are going well, but there is always pain & suffering at some stage. Sometimes I just wonder if the whole relationship headaches are totally worthwhile.
Well, the pain and suffering go with life's territory....it's worth it though if only for the joy that does come with being in love, connecting with people and creating family. True, it can all fall apart and life is short, but that's what makes it so worthwhile.
sounds pretty much like me. thanks for summing this up, very good. the only fear I have is that no 30+ girl will be interested in me when i'm 50. but yeah, I still look good, so it shouldn't be that much of a problem
It doesn't matter what age you are. Just make sure you roll in style & you'll get the ladies. Laugh, fuck, & then laugh some more. If anyone keeps you from achieving these objectives, then take them out of your life. Another key thing is to spend money on yourself and nobody else except your moms. Once you start making a paycheck, you have to get your mom a nice gift every week. Also, treat your parents to a nice dinner weekly, too. Always show your parents respect. Beyond that, just spray come all over women, don't let anyone fuck with yours, and get that cash. If you follow these rules, you'll live a happy life. I promise.