letters to things and people

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  • Dear L***y,

    Those commercials look like an outtake from a hamburger related horror movie...

    Where can I rent such a movie?
    Thanks,
    Mike

  • Dear L***y,

    Those commercials look like an outtake from a hamburger related horror movie...

    Where can I rent such a movie?
    Thanks,
    Mike

    I think if you eat a couple of Whoppers, and then go to sleep it will appear on the screen in your private mind garden.

  • SwayzeSwayze 14,705 Posts

    Dear Bataille,

    You were pretty fucked huh? Still I found your eye story a fun read.

    T.

    Dear DesOne,
    I agree with you. Did you see Godard's 'Weekend' and how the woman made the story with the bowl of milk her own? Racy. Tres francais.

    Dear missbassie,

    No I haven't but I sure will now. Thanks for the mention,

    T.

  • edpowersedpowers 4,437 Posts
    Dear Nick Saban,



    You Are THE MAN!





    Dear Dante Culpepper,



    You Suck!





    Dear Mitch Kupchak,



    Who's playing point guard?





    Dear Yankees,



    IF ! you beat the Angels (who have had your number for years)you will lose to the Red Sox........again





    Dear Isiah Thomas,



    it's about time you done something good





    Dear Bret Favre,



    it's over...but it really isn't your fault





    Dear Michael Vick,



    learn to slide or get out of bounds sooner...you're taking a beating





    Dear Pittsburgh Steeler fans,



    win a BIG game ..then talk to me





    Dear Fergie,



    you DON'T have a hump or lovely lady lumps.....





    Dear sped up sample,



    i still like you





    Dear Young Jeezy,



    i heard FIVE songs with you on them yesterday while listening to the radio...

    AM i being forced to accept you? or are you really that good ? am i just an old fart?
















  • jinx74jinx74 2,287 Posts
    Dear Wife,

    You make life awesome... thank you for caring about a poor, record craving, bad back having, and slightly cranky old man.

    Forever Devoted,

    Husband

    Dear Money,

    Did i do something wrong? Was it something i said? Let me know the wrongs and ill right them. Youve been mad at me for a few months now and its getting a little nervous for me. Why dont we sit down, ill stroke your edges, and you can tell me whats bothering you.

    Ready to Cuddle,

    Justin

    Dear Jingles2, Missy, Kitty, & Baby,

    Im sorry we left you at the lake. Its killing me still. Yall were nice to play with and if i wasnt so broke you would of come home with me. I need some animals in my life and you 4 would of been AWESOME! However im broke and that nice lady from San Mateo drove for 4hrs to come get Jingles2. Louie is there all year long and he'll take care of yall too. Plus theres like a hundred other cats up there to meet up with. I hope we gave yall enough love and food and fun to warm you through the winter.

    Missing you,

    The big guy who scratched your heads

    ps: i havent told anyone but if this $ comes through ill be back up there to get you in a week...

    Dear Records,

    thanks for hanging out with me. its always fun to find you. even you bad ones give me some fun for just knowing what you are. you lucky ones that get the once over are the best though. always know to come over my house for a good cleaning and prettying up. you know ill show you off to others that will like you too and if you (okay... WE'RE!) lucky theyll take you home with them to enjoy or to share with others. I know you get sad when you leave, trust me i do too, but i always come across your brothers and sisters and pick them up when i can.

    Well, thanks again for being so friendly to me over the years.. I hella appreciate that!

    BFF!,

    Justin

  • bassiebassie 11,710 Posts
    Dear Job,
    You are killing me.

    Dear US Customs -
    Please let me in and don't photograph and fingerprint me and ask me the same questions in different ways in the hopes of tripping me up. I've been in Canada since I was 5 - I am not a threat to your country. I'm coming to spend money, to help the economy, to be good to people and have fun. I've made a promise to act nicely and not fly off the handle, can you please promise to look at my passport with a logical and open mind? I heard on the news today that they just stepped up security again for Canadians traveling to the States. I am so nervous and I feel helpless. I have no control over this and my fate is at the whim of whomever I happen to walk up to. I'll admit it, I'm also pretty scared.

    Dear Sunny (slow and fast) by Les McCann,
    I love you.

    Dear S****,
    Stop being so serious. Just go for it. All you do is talk about her and how smart and cool and sexy and good-looking she is and then you come up with all these reasons why you should just stay friends. You're over-thinking it and the two of you are playing this weird "let's-be-real-polite-and-not-push-any-boundaries" game. For what? You're not far in enough to get hurt. Stroke her hand, look into her eyes for a long time, sit close to her and have your legs touch. Enjoy each other! That's what bodies and hearts and minds are for!

  • faux_rillzfaux_rillz 14,343 Posts

    Dear S****,
    Stop being so serious. Just go for it. All you do is talk about her and how smart and cool and sexy and good-looking she is and then you come up with all these reasons why you should just stay friends. You're over-thinking it and the two of you are playing this weird "let's-be-real-polite-and-not-push-any-boundaries" game. For what? You're not far in enough to get hurt. Stroke her hand, look into her eyes for a long time, sit close to her and have your legs touch. Enjoy each other! That's what bodies and hearts and minds are for!

    Dear Ms. Bassie,

    Please print this thread out and share it with you friend. Revisiting it yesterday at emynd's urging, I realized that many people could learn something from my contributions.

    f_r

  • Dear Mesh and Cousin Larry,

    I may be lurking ninja stylee at your record show in Richmond, only replace the wailing guitar with a portable deck.



    Dear Sushi Chef across the street,

    Thank you for continually hooking me up lately even though the extra sushi is supposed to go to a girl at work whom you think is just busy and will eat it even though she is actually preparing for Ramadan and I eat it.



    Dear Wires and Cords at the University of Richmond Radio station,

    Please either A- fix yourselves or B- learn to speak and then dial on a telephone followed by a threating call to management



    Dear Game Cube,

    Playing Zelda on you was refreshing after not having touched you for a year. I hate you now cause I have no idea why I'm starting at this random island nor do I know what to do next. I refuse to google search answers just yet.



    Dear Soulstrut people,

    How come everytime I miss all the vital threads and when I meet up with you this happens: me: "Oh hey, what's up?" strutters: "Not much, what did you think about the ____ thread?" me: "what?" strutters: "that was a part of the long list of ______ posts" and then "that post was ____!" and I'm like "huh?"

    And they say "get with the program" and I say "ok I'll try to be more on point about reading", then I read and read and read and still manage to miss everything again and the proccess repeats. Doh.






  • bassiebassie 11,710 Posts

    Dear S****,
    Stop being so serious. Just go for it. All you do is talk about her and how smart and cool and sexy and good-looking she is and then you come up with all these reasons why you should just stay friends. You're over-thinking it and the two of you are playing this weird "let's-be-real-polite-and-not-push-any-boundaries" game. For what? You're not far in enough to get hurt. Stroke her hand, look into her eyes for a long time, sit close to her and have your legs touch. Enjoy each other! That's what bodies and hearts and minds are for!

    Dear Ms. Bassie,

    Please print this thread out and share it with you friend. Revisiting it yesterday at emynd's urging, I realized that many people could learn something from my contributions.

    f_r

    Dear M.Rillz,
    Thanks for the heads up. You ain't lying - there is pure gold in there. I think these gems are best-suited to the situation. The first two are courtesy of your wisdom and the third, well, who knew how handy this would be?

    I am like an elemental force

    I feel like you may need to beat this dude up or something.

    just poke her out yo

  • jinx74jinx74 2,287 Posts

    Dear Soulstrut people,
    How come everytime I miss all the vital threads and when I meet up with you this happens: me: "Oh hey, what's up?" strutters: "Not much, what did you think about the ____ thread?" me: "what?" strutters: "that was a part of the long list of ______ posts" and then "that post was ____!" and I'm like "huh?"
    And they say "get with the program" and I say "ok I'll try to be more on point about reading", then I read and read and read and still manage to miss everything again and the proccess repeats. Doh.



    Dear N45/K,

    I understand. Sometimes Im embarrassed for those dudes that just speak about the msgbd when i see them. No disrespect kids but for real... ???

    Clueless and still pimpin,

    -Jinx74/J

  • Dear Mesh and Cousin Larry,
    I may be lurking ninja stylee at your record show in Richmond, only replace the wailing guitar with a portable deck.

    See you there.



    Dear Game Cube,
    Playing Zelda on you was refreshing after not having touched you for a year. I hate you now cause I have no idea why I'm starting at this random island nor do I know what to do next. I refuse to google search answers just yet.



    Is that the island with the bird people, because I have been stuck on that shit for a while and have no idea what to do. I just gave up like 5 months ago. Maybe I don't want to know I have been far more productive since I stopped playing vidio games.

  • Dear Virus,

    Stay the fuck away from my daughter again. 5 weeks old with a 4 day stay in the hospital, plus spinal tap and constant IVs and antibiotics. Fuck off.

    Dad

    Dear UVa Pediatric Nurses,

    You are all the best. THanks for taking care of me and my family, and making life a little more bearable during the tough time.

    Eric

    Dear work,

    Project managment is boring as hell. Taking classes to get certified as a project manager is even more boring. Six Sigma...even worse.

    Project Manager Eric

    Dear Soulstrutters who buy my records,

    Thanks....hope you like the freebies

    Eric



  • Dear Game Cube,
    Playing Zelda on you was refreshing after not having touched you for a year. I hate you now cause I have no idea why I'm starting at this random island nor do I know what to do next. I refuse to google search answers just yet.



    Is that the island with the bird people, because I have been stuck on that shit for a while and have no idea what to do. I just gave up like 5 months ago. Maybe I don't want to know I have been far more productive since I stopped playing vidio games.

    It's difficult to describe the island, you have to use your weighted boots and leaf to catapult and fly around. There is a massive shaft with a grate at the bottom. Below the grate is a room with a door which probably houses something important and I have no idea what to do. I bombed that grate to death the other night (out of slight anger and for amusement) and still it was unphased.

    I don't plan to play much unless I need a break from work/research/music


  • Dear Mom and Dad. I am sorry that you had to freak out and think your dog was dying. I will never be able to admit it directly. But, it is my fault the dog was acting like a person on heroin and pissing itself. I had been smoking lot's of weed out of an apple this week. I threw it out the window, and the dog ate it. I guess all that resin is not good for small animals.

    Dogs get high way to easy.


    Dear Boss, I know hangovers are a lame reason to miss work; but I had to do it.

    Dear Muhammad Ali- Thanks for fighting Tooth Decay amongst other things.

    Dear x-girls of friends. Stay away snake woman!!...........I will not fall into temptation.


    Dear Hawaii.....Don't worry I will stick my toes in your sand very soon.


    Dear E-Bay. I love you; but I will not be seeing you for a while. You make money fly out of me. I gotta stack that shit for a second.


    Dear United States Government.....Fuck Off Already!!!


    Dear Oregon... Just a couple more weeks of Summer weather plaese. I promise I won't bitch about the rainy season too much.

  • SwayzeSwayze 14,705 Posts
    I had been smoking lot's of weed out of an apple...

    Enlighten, please.

  • JLRJLR 3,835 Posts
    Dear Mom and Dad. I am sorry that you had to freak out and think your dog was dying. I will never be able to admit it directly. But, it is my fault the dog was acting like a person on heroin and pissing itself. I had been smoking lot's of weed out of an apple this week. I threw it out the window, and the dog ate it. I guess all that resin is not good for small animals.




    "Come here, motherfucker, I hate flying pink elephants!"

  • I had been smoking lot's of weed out of an apple...

    Enlighten, please.

    I just make a hole through the apple. I usually use a chopstick to make the hole. Poke another hole down from the stem area' until it connects with the other hole.. Load with herbs, smoke. Carrots make good chillums also. I have made a bubbler with a watermelon too. Get those melon juices percolating.

  • edpowersedpowers 4,437 Posts
    I had been smoking lot's of weed out of an apple...

    Enlighten, please.

    I just make a hole through the apple. I usually use a chopstick to make the hole. Poke another hole down from the stem area' until it connects with the other hole.. Load with herbs, smoke. Carrots make good chillums also. I have made a bubbler with a watermelon too. Get those melon juices percolating.


  • Mike_BellMike_Bell 5,736 Posts
    Get those melon juices percolating.
    L O C A T I O N

  • Dear record,
    You are all I think about. Being away from you while you take your time to arrive media mail is giving me ulcers. I really hope you get here soon and we can be together 4 evah. seriously i'm bugging out.
    - collectro


    Dear guy who is still selling 10,000 crummy records for $250,000,
    I don't know why you keep calling me. where did you get my # from? seriously, please to stop. You talked to me like 2-3 times over the last 2 years then I stopped answering.
    - 407 3** ****


    Dear new second cousin,
    You were born on september 30th, your name is Rachel and that's good enough for me. Baby pictures all look the same but you are cute. You live a few thousand miles away but once you're old enough to walk come hang out.
    - Andrew


    Dear brother,
    I see your # on my cell call list but you never leave a message, so I always forget to call you back. I'm sorry mang.
    - heartless


    Dear rice cooker,
    The package didn't come and my name isn't who signed for it, so middle finger firmly extended to UPS.
    - lacking perfectly fluffy rice


    Dear Red sox,
    I don't know what to say. We're holding our breath.
    - boston nation

  • pacmanpacman 1,114 Posts
    Dear Sam the cat,

    I love you dearly, but if you EVER tear up my leg again like you did last night, you're sleeping in the closet for a week.

    Your loving dad.


    Dear Guzzo,

    Oh no DOUBT! It was a blast! Out of all I got, I'm glad you hipped me to that Horacee Arnold beast of a record. I've been playing that since I got it. Oh yeah, that one private press looking record sucked. Next time, the Shwarma's on me.

    Paco


    Dear weather in Phoenix,

    It's now about time to COOL OFF. 100 degrees in October is insane. Stop it.

    The city of Phoenix

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