letters to things and people
schnipper
528 Posts
dear s**y b**,Dear God please give me a job tomorrow I will work so hard all I want to do is workSchnipperdear populationsend me money for this zine SEE ANNOUNCEMENTS SECTIONschnipperDear JewsHappy New Year!Schnipperdear new YOrkwho's going to the burton party I am rolling deepschnpperDear Burlington Vermont,You are so pretty. My sister seems very happy there, and I sometimes wish I lived in a small simple place like there and died in fifteen years as a just middle aged man at his prime peak in utter happiness in late September looking at leaves while petting a big, nice dog. Life seems good there, maybe I will live in you one daySCHNIPSETDear Ramones Dipset shirtI know that everyone in New York must have/be over this by now, but that shit is so cool and I want oneSCHNIPSETDear Weird Sweater at Banana/Soul Strut,Why are you ugly/soulstrut is this ugly? 
Dear young women novelists and high fashion pr firm employees,202-213-3538SchnipperDear PantsWHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO BIG 28 WAIST DOESN'T MEAN 55 THIGHSchnipperDear Black Dice,"Street Dude"seriously come onI heard one of your dads was in lothar and the hand people, is that true?SchnipPERDear Fiona Apple album,Hmm I think I might have to get you tomorrow. FIONA HAS BEEN FREEDSchnipperDear Modern Love column in the Times,I am driven to read you constantly. You are great I love shit like that. The one about the guy who loved his exgirlfriend's dog and didn't want to break up with her because of that was so sad but so nice and that's the BEST FEELINGSchnipperDear getting really drunk and going dancing,it's been a while let's go out on a date together and pick up girls SchnipperDear my sister,I will beat you in a dance off, even if you take dance lessons don't worrySchnipperDear Family Secrets,I know some of you now, but the weird thing about mom and her brother is still a mystery. WHY ARE ALL SCHNIPPERS INSANE?SchnipperDear Project Pat,I didn't realize you were on Columbia! Do you still have a viable career? I guess this makes sense you are on that Stay Fly remix. Good luck!SchnipperDear Skinless moisture bearing weather is coming, you are fucked. I will stock up on boatloads of lotion on your behalf ayo me all you want losersschnipperdear soul and funk music,I think I might sell all of my records of you except two marvin and tammi records and that sarah webster fabio. i really just never listen to kool and the gangschnipper
Dear young women novelists and high fashion pr firm employees,202-213-3538SchnipperDear PantsWHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO BIG 28 WAIST DOESN'T MEAN 55 THIGHSchnipperDear Black Dice,"Street Dude"seriously come onI heard one of your dads was in lothar and the hand people, is that true?SchnipPERDear Fiona Apple album,Hmm I think I might have to get you tomorrow. FIONA HAS BEEN FREEDSchnipperDear Modern Love column in the Times,I am driven to read you constantly. You are great I love shit like that. The one about the guy who loved his exgirlfriend's dog and didn't want to break up with her because of that was so sad but so nice and that's the BEST FEELINGSchnipperDear getting really drunk and going dancing,it's been a while let's go out on a date together and pick up girls SchnipperDear my sister,I will beat you in a dance off, even if you take dance lessons don't worrySchnipperDear Family Secrets,I know some of you now, but the weird thing about mom and her brother is still a mystery. WHY ARE ALL SCHNIPPERS INSANE?SchnipperDear Project Pat,I didn't realize you were on Columbia! Do you still have a viable career? I guess this makes sense you are on that Stay Fly remix. Good luck!SchnipperDear Skinless moisture bearing weather is coming, you are fucked. I will stock up on boatloads of lotion on your behalf ayo me all you want losersschnipperdear soul and funk music,I think I might sell all of my records of you except two marvin and tammi records and that sarah webster fabio. i really just never listen to kool and the gangschnipper
Comments
awesome
i agree
I haven't worn a 28 waist since like 7th grade!
What do you weigh, like 110 lbs?
your kool & the gang s/t would love to come stay with me.
FBP
Dear Schnipper,
I can't believe you think I'm rapidly approaching middle age.
- Old Man Hogg
Dear Hurricanes Rita and Katrina,
You must be really fucking pleased with yourselves. You've accomplished much, but I've learned that it's far easier to destroy than to build. It's also far less meaningful. I hope that everyone you've affected is able to recover and to be proud of what they'll accomplish.
But really, y'all are some bitches.
- 3rd Coast Native
Dear LA Strutters Shig, Asprin, Daze, and Spaceghost,
Y'all rule, seriously. Thanks for making my short stay so much fun and for going out of your way for me like that.
- Next Round's On Me
Dear SF Strutters/Terry Clubbup/Mike 2600 Kang,
This weekend will kind of rule.
- Next Round's on Young Phonics
Dear Everything Going On In My Life,
Please chill out just a little bit.
- Tired
Dear Tattoo I'm Getting Saturday,
I can't wait to meet you. It's been almost 7 years since my last, and I know you will be one painful motherfucker, but I'm positive it will be worth it.
- The Illustrated Man
Dear New Reggae Mix CD I Made 2 Weeks Ago,
Please sell.
- Duppy
why do you keep throwing up on the carpet??
daddy
dear k****y,
why are you such a bitch? you could let a motherfucker know whats up!!
j.
dear bambouche, asprin, and raj,
i never got to tell you how much i appreciated your efforts with the katrina relief heatrock extravaganza. shit was awesome.
FBP
dear kelly of world famous tattoos,
thanks for hooking up that tattoo!! by far the best one i have so far. i cant wait to show my friends on soulstrut.
j.
oh yeah
dear kenny,
i'm sorry i have been such a flake with the soulstrut mixtape trade.
FBP
I can't wait to root against you!
HATOREY
Dear Caso,
I love you to death.
Bambina
Dear Myspace,
STOP DISTRACTING ME.
Audrey
Dear Pastry Chefs of the World,
My address is
*3*4** G***h*y Street
S*N F******CO, CA 94***
Hawler,
Audrey
Dear New Dude on SNL that does the spot-on Pacino impression,
You are kinda hot.
Audrey
Dear Steve Carell,
Don't worry you are still my #1 Comedy Crush.
Audrey
Dear Tom Delay,
HAHA you got another indictment!
IN YOUR FACE,
Audrey
In 15 years I will be 38, which is, I am sure you know, half of 76. Which is kind of old. I suppose that is a matter of opinion, and the context of 76 in old age may change greater with modern science and/or Bird Flus, but 76 seems like a lot of life to live. But how old are you, like 30? You were so spritely in San Francisco. I actually thought you were a gymnast.
Schnipper
--
PROJECT PAT STORY
Once my friend was a dog walker and these dudes were listening to Project Pat while I was walking dogs with my friend. Leaning on the car, acting cool, and we passed and Gold Shine was on and I knew the words and they looked so confused. Also once while walking dogs a little kid looked at my G Unit shoes and asked me if I knew who G Unit was.
Dear Schnipper,
I'm 34, but thanks for calling me "spritely." And you probably just thought I was a gymnast because of the leotard (it happens all the time).
- No Pimmel-Pummeling Horse for Hoggy
Dear Au*rey,
I stayed with a friend of a friend in LA this weekend who is one of two editors on the US version of The Office. You are but three degrees of separation from your comedy crush.
- Fantasy MatchMaker
I'd love to have more than three of you per month. Hell, even if you occured on a Saturday or Sunday... That'd be great.
Exhausted,
Mike
sayin, even my petite n gorgeous ass rocks a 30
Have a great birthday,
T.
Dear insomnia,
fuck off.
T.
Dear Bataille,
You were pretty fucked huh? Still I found your eye story a fun read.
T.
Dear beer,
*high five*,
T.
I will be in full effect tomorrow night. Also, GOOD would love to give your wayward funk and soul a nice home
- JS
Dear Japanese in my shop right now,
Please buy lots and lots of records.
Thanks for the business,
Paycheck
Dear A's,
I am so mad right now but I guess I can't be since you basically field a farm team every year and manage to make things interesting.
Hating Boston,
jonny
Dear _________,
I hope to mash you out in the next couple of days. YOU. ARE. NOT. READY.
See ya then,
Big Jay
Dear _______________,
Stop flirting, you know you ain't bout that shit. Plus you work right next door.
- Cute boy next door
Dear ___________,
I'm almost there, give me another month or two and I'll have this whole "wild oats" shit out of my system.
Love,
Jonny
Dear business,
Keep the cake coming. Oooooh it's a good look baby
Smooches
Sklute
Dear Serato,
I am about to invest some change in you even though I don't really DJ that much. You seem just THAT cool. If you crash during this next gig I will be hellza mad.
- Paychizzle
Dear mom,
I love you. You rock. That is all.
Jonny
Dear dad,
OK I love you too but you call me at the most inopportune times and you ramble for hours and you sucker me into driving you around when you're in NY and you impose yourself on everyone. We all love you but you need to stop thinking only about yourself, that's why mom left you fool!
Love,
Jonny
Dear Sween,
When you stopping by brah? It's been a while. Hope you're well. I keep missing you when I'm out at ********. Thanks again for the recommendation, Kevin Wilson is the dude as far as money matters goes.
Next one's on me,
Paycheck
thanks for bringing this thread back. what a cool style.
peace
mesh
dear everybody who helped with that stupid ebay selling thing-
thanks again. i feel stupid for not clicking on that one menu. it's always shit like that that gets me.
-M*E*S*H
dear rockwool-
why do you itch so badly? i hate you, but i love you. continue to insulate and prevent sound from leaking out of the wall.
thanks,
mesh potatoes
please get your heads straight and then come talk to me. it would save all of us a lot of time.
mufuckah who doesn't want to deal with no more bullshit
dear zipzoomfly.com,
please send me my repair my computer parts and send them back quickly because my shits a mess right now. thanks!
stupid customer
dear work,
you are boring as shit and i kinda hate you right now. if you were not located near a college campus where a lot of girls hang out at, i would have parted ways with you a while ago.
employee #1
dear brian's motivation,
you have been missing for the past few months and that is kind of bad. hopefully you will return soon because i kinda miss you.
brian
dear gym,
i have been neglecting you for a while and i swear i will visit you a few times this week or maybe next week or the week after or something.
dumb shit who pays money for shit he doesn't use
dear dumb fuck who left the fucking door open just now,
i will fucking bludgeon you to death if i ever see your ass again. fuck off.
angry brian
dear girl who just walked by,
you were very cute. please continue being cute. thank you
brian
I think I am gonna stop by tomorrow after the interview with some zines and records. If I PM you a list of things, can you tell me what you might like best, as I can't bring a ton of stuff blah balh
Please hire me, I had a good interview today and things seemed gravy. I need this job real bad. I promise not to show up high, hung-over, or late, for real. NYC has never seen such a talented research assistant, you won't regret it.
Anxiously awaiting your call,
Roberto
Dear Seed,
You just turned five one month ago and now you have your first loose tooth?! Please don't grow up too fast, I'm having lots of fun with you and dread the day you won't want anything to do with me. Btw your hat trick in soccer today was dope.
love you,
papi
Dear Goatee,
Its been a good few years but you had to go. My girl said she read that clean shaven men are more likely to get hired than those with facial hair. I think she is full of shit and I miss you but I really need this job. You'll be back as soon as I get this job, promise.
Babyface Garcia
Dear Federico y Su Combo Latino,
"Durisimo Vol. 4" sounds like a porno title, but I don't care. Trompeta en Campana has to be one of the dopest guarachas I've ever heard. Let them fight over Fania, cabezas verdaderas saben la que hay.
Garcia Salsero
Dear Soulstrutters I've met in the real world,
You guys are cool, thank you for inviting me into your homes.
At your service,
Roberto Garcia Vega
Dear Yankees,
The post season is upon us. You guys did not have a great regular season. We won the division but our record tied Boston's and that is just weak. Please start pitching like I know you can, and maybe, just maybe I'll have a good excuse to go party in the Bronx again.
yours,
I fucking hate the Redsox
Dear delivery service dude,
My dealer quit dealing and I gotta get my herb from someone. Thanks for showing up promptely. The purple haze you left is some head banger boogie. I'm so high I'm gonna throw up!
Garcia Vega, cracked, gutted, filled up stitched up smoked up
happy birthday ya japanese detective lean looking bad figure !
your son
-----------------
dear record dealers,
i want to buy some records.
an addict
------------------
dear Sheep,
when the hell you coming over ?! i'm bored.
hurry up foo!
ken
--------------------
dear The Mack,
sorry for those records that i flanked.
kenny
you are my favourite thing(jus don't tell wifey) I promise to spend many happy hours with you real soon. IM.
Dear Accountant,
How come you have just doubled your fees in a year and didn't tell me till you sent the bill ??? (Now looking for spare change down the back of the sofa) IM.
Dear Car,
Why is your indicator clicking randomly when ever I drive ? Even when I'm not turning, your sending me
Dear Winter,
Autumn/Winter, your great, time for big coats and tims again. Ahh the satisfaction of staying home when everyone else is cold outside. 'Your No 1, IM.
Did Schnipper shave you yet? 'Cause it makes him look white trash...................... but maybe he likes that.
nahhhhhh. wasn't me.
i think mustaches should make a comeback though, just not the handlebar kind.
I went moustache for a little bit last year, I thought it was cool in that ironic way. The way it grows in is like a reverse Hitler
anyhoo...
Dear M*****e,
It was amazing to see you, you know you've been the love of my life since middle school and no matter what roads our lives take the feelings remain the same. Only been a few hours but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss your company
-7th Grade Concussion
Dear Pacman,
It was ill as fuck that you came through lke you did in Phoenix, thanks for letting me chatter on the way I do and show ya love for both USC and Israeli style kabob.
-Guzzo
Dear K***m,
Homie I know shit is rough for you right now but take life as it comes, worse comes to worse you know I'm ride or die. 86 till 2005 is a long ass time for most, to me its just chapter one.
-Adam
Dear Herm,
Dogs REPORT TO THE KEYS STAT!. if you find the remnants of the sole of my Puma sneaker please give them a proper burial them shits was my favorite kicks. Next time we going to link up right. Evenm if you gots to bring the grandparents to the club. By the way send me your address I got some moder soul for that ass.
-Guzzini
Dear AP,
It's been a while dude. You with your busyt life and me with my busy life, if it werent for PM's and phone calls I'd be putting out an APB for you. San Diego is the future. Big moves in 05. REAL WORLD MOVES
-Adam
Dear Insulin,
NINA SAMOAN! NINA SAMOAN! NINA SAMOAN! NINA SAMOAN NINA SAMOAN! NINA SAMOAN NINA SAMOAN! NINA SAMOAN
-Hunter
PS we gonna do that damn tape this weekend
Dear Spiders,
Throughout my life you have proven to be a worthy nemesis. There have been a few close calls, but so far, it remains Spders: 0, Team Crink: 849. But, you've always fought the good fight and I respect that. Lately though you guys have pulled some shadey moves - IE: hiding under the rug & waiting 'till I vacumed - and trying to sneak up on the girlfriend last night in the bathroom. I hope you know that I WILL "go Rambo" on you now. oh yes...
It's on
- crink
People:[/b]
Dear old guy who knocked on my door tonight bleeding from the head,
What the fuck? I mean, really.
- Crink
You are awesome. Let's go shopping. I can't wait to meet your sister.
-Jon
I've put up with your shit over the years and always listened while you talked my f**ing ear off about this producer and that producer and who is making beats with your records etc. I've listened to your pitch every time with a smile on my face and not told you how full of shit you are. I've humored you while you treated me like someone famous when I was a nobody, how you used to try and son me in high school over on Melrose and how you sweat me now because you think I'm famous and have no idea I STILL am a broke nobody. I even let you name drop Madlib.
but how could you sell me a reissue that no one on Soulstrut can confirm is a god damn reissue. Ever since I bought a Is It Because I'm Black off of you for 25 dollars I have been sure I am smarter than you. have the tables turned? I shall laugh last, I promise. Yours truly,
that guy you aren't sure exactly who is but is probably famous.
Thank You. I've had some doubts but the randwom PM's,e-mails, and myspace messages are very re-assuring and are pleasant bright spots during the day.
King Most Thankfull
Dear folks who've haven't bothered to return e-mails/dissed my shit regarding my mix-cd:
No hard feelings, it's made me more motivated.
P.Not taking it personal
Dear Kero
Let's make it happen.
King Right Hand Man
Dear SpeshBoogie:
You don't know how much that small sodering job (sp) you did has helped me out. It goes a lot deeper than just being able to make beats.
Dear A*** ***C
Please to feel the kingstrumentals. Working with you would be a very good look
kingstrumentals
Dear 60 minutes of cardio I'm about to do
Fuck you
P.Sweat Stains
Dude kept tryign to convince me to be a inhouse producer for his "label", without EVER hearing any of my shit. He would always tell me about some dude who was allready working for him who was a "genius slicer" of "musical samples".
I mean dude can seriously talk your head off.
TRhat being said hes a nice guy and his wife is a real nice lady.
"Steven speilberg call me all the time. Any time they need an album in a movie, they come to me. I mean, my covers are in Mint COndition! they use my covers for represses, ask the guy at rhino. Thats why warren G calls me every day. Doctor dre too, i mean come on. I see this kid buyign all these album i KNOW he cant know about, let alone afford. I taught him alot. Who? Q-Tip, man! Etc etc etc etc etc ad infinitum"
you mispelled djdaze.