NYC (moving-related)
Brian
7,618 Posts
So your boy might be moving to New York next month and kinda needs to prepare since I'll just need to pick up and leave. Any top 5 list or some shit for carpetbaggeurs moving there? I should have a place to stay for a month or so. Any advice on apartment search? I'm looking at Manhattan and know that I'll likely have to pay a grip but how much would I be looking at for a studio? Any of these questions stupid?
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'We're Getting The Hell Out Of This Sewer,' Entire Populace Reports
NEW YORK???At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.
With audible murmurs of "This is no way to live," "What the hell am I doing here???I hate it here," and "Fuck this place. Fuck this horrible place," all 8.4 million citizens in each of the five boroughs packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of filth and scum and sadness.
By 5:15 p.m. there was gridlock traffic on the outbound sides of the Holland and Lincoln tunnels, and the area's three major airports were flooded with New Yorkers, all of whom said they wanted to go anyplace where the pressure of 20 million tons of concrete wasn't constantly suffocating them.
"I always had this perverted sense of pride because I was managing to scrape by here," said Brooklyn resident Andrew McQuade, who, after watching two subway rats gnawing on a third bloody rat carcass, finally determined that New York City was a giant sprawling cancer. "Well, fuck that. I don't need to pay $2,000 a month to share a doghouse-sized apartment with some random Craigslist dipshit to prove my worth. I want to live like a goddamn human being."
"You see this?" added McQuade, pointing at a real estate listing for a duplex in Hagerstown, MD. "Two bedrooms, two baths, a den???a fucking den???and a patio. Twelve hundred a month. That's total, not per person."
According to residents, the mass exodus was triggered by a number of normal, everyday New York City events. For Erin Caldwell of Manhattan, an endlessly honking car horn sent her over the edge, causing her to go into a blind rage and scream "shut up!" at the vehicle as loud as she could until her voice went hoarse; for Danny Tremba of Queens it was being cursed at for walking too slow; and for Paul Ogden, also of Queens, it was his overreaction to somebody walking too slow.
Other incidents that prompted citizens to pick up and leave included the sight of garbage bags stacked 5 feet high on the sidewalk; the realization that being alone among millions of anonymous people is actually quite horrifying; a blaring siren that droned on and fucking on; muddy, refuse-filled puddles that have inexplicably not dried in three years; the thought of growing into a person whose meanness and cynicism is cloaked in a kind of holier-than-thou brand of sarcasm that the rest of the world finds nauseating; and all the goddamn people.
In addition, 3 million New Yorkers reportedly left the city because they realized the phrase "Only in New York" is actually just a defense mechanism used to convince themselves that seeing a naked man take a shit on a park bench is somehow endearing, or part of some shared cultural experience.
"I was sitting on my stoop, drinking coffee, and out of nowhere this crazy-looking woman just starts screaming, 'I am inside all of you,' over and over," Bronx resident Sarah Perez, 37, said. "Then, we both had this moment where we looked at each other and realized, okay, we have to get out of here."
"This place sucks," Manhattan resident Woody Allen, 74, told reporters. "It just fucking sucks."
When fleeing New Yorkers were asked if they would miss the city's iconic landmarks, most responded that Central Park is just a pathetic excuse for experiencing actual nature, that the Brooklyn Bridge is great but it's just a fucking bridge, that nobody goes to the Met anyway, and that living in a dingy, grime-caked apartment while exhaust fumes from an idling truck seep through your bedroom window isn't worth slightly bigger bagels.
"This is no place to raise a kid, that's for sure," said 32-year-old Brandon Rushing, a lifelong New Yorker. "I grew up here and I turned into a giant asshole. Why would I want that for my son?"
"Plus, we're the place most likely to get nuked by a dirty bomb in a terrorist attack," he added. "So that's great. Also, it smells like shit here, and I'm not exaggerating. You'll just be walking around and it starts smelling like human shit, and it just fills your nostrils and you breathe in shit for like 20 seconds."
Before departing by private helicopter, Mayor Michael Bloomberg spoke with members of the media to address the situation.
"You know what the greatest city in the world is?" Bloomberg asked reporters. "Scottsdale, Arizona. It's clean, it's not too big, it's got a couple streets with shops and restaurants, and the people there aren't fucking insane. This place is fucking insane. And by the way, that's not a reason to like it. Anyone who says that is a delusional dirtbag."
By Tuesday night, New York was completely abandoned. At press time, however, some 10 million Los Angeles???area residents, tired of their self-centered, laid-back culture and lack of four distinct seasons, and yearning for the hustle and bustle of East Coast life, had already begun repopulating the city.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/84-million-new-yorkers-suddenly-realize-new-york-c,18003/
I moved here about 15 months ago. You can find something moderately reasonable in Manhattan (depending on your definition of reasonable), but you're going to have to live uptown (Jonny could tell you apartment rates in Harlem) or maybe the Lower East Side? Is it even reasonable to live there any more? I don't know. Apartment hunting in New York fucking sucks. Straight up. If I were you, I'd look to the boroughs for something closer to affordable rent-wise, but I don't know what your situation is.
Link DBCooper - I believe he is the most recent SStrut transplant. If memory serves - he went ahead of time to secure a place...
edit - nevermind.
Thanks but this isn't 100% yet. Pretty good lead but if I make the move, I'm really going to have to pack up and leave so I'm trying to line up what I can in advance.
What part of Manhattan you working in? Pretty much every subway line goes from the boroughs through Manhattan, and the trains run 24/7. You could live in Long Island City and be in midtown in 10 minutes. Or you could live in parts of Brooklyn and be downtown in 10 minutes, etc.
Good luck!
Think this shit thru. One month and you got no clue?????
The shit is expensive and some of the Manhattan hoods are suspect despite doorman and food delivery.
Like DB said u could live in Astoria, Greenpoint, and other outer spots w/ all the other Madonna muthafuckas get to work on time.
I dont see you as an Uptown cat. But I could be wrong. But dont sleep on UWS & UES.
U wont be commuting for more than an hour if u play your cards right. My shit is 40 mins to L.I.C. Queens from The Bronx.
Have u been here before?
Party Animal or past that?
Scared of Black People?
Like your Milk over-priced?
Can you deal with noise?
Eat out alot or kitchen skills?
If u ballin' fusk it. Do Manhattan.
I love NYC! Real estate considerations double as dating compatibility questions!
^^^Jersey City^^^^
Brian,
You need to get realistic if you are really planning on moving to NYC soon. A nice studio apartment in Manhattan will be very expensive and you will need to hire a real estate agent to help you get a good place. Forget trying to find a place by yourself. You need to study a map and history of NYC ASAP. Are you going to be making A LOT of money? Manhattan is expensive. You might be able to afford a place way uptown like Inwood/Washington Heights area, maybe Harlem but if you are working in midtown you could find places outside of Manhattan that would be cheaper and make for a short commute. Harlem would not be too far. You are going to need to look at spots in Queens like Jackson Heights and Corona. Spots in BK like Bushwick and Brownsville. You should check Jersey City too. I think you have no idea how expensive nice apartments are in Manhattan.
I don't really care where I live as long as it's nearby, my apartment or myself doesn't get robbed on a regular basis, and there's a bar or liquor store nearby. I would really love to walk to work but I don't see that being realistic.
Once four years ago.
I still go out but I have no idea what work is going to be like so I probably won't be going out much initially.
I think I'm okay with black people.
Don't drink milk (lactose intolerance-related)
I'm going to need to get as much sleep as I can so it really depends if it's noise vs noise at all hours of the day.
No kitchen skills but want to be forced to develop them, I guess?
Ok, so beyond living arrangements, any other ideas/general wisdom/tips to not look like a tourist?
Learn to walk properly on a busy sidewalk - in a straight line and no sudden stops.
Cop a Yankee cap...........
Roosevelt Island
Yo Brian, I *might* have leads on a studio apartment sublet in the East Village (Manhattan, off the L train at 1st Ave.) if you want to buy you some time. I know it sucks to move more than once if you don't have to, but it's also good to do some research before you commit to a signing a year long lease.
I'll report back.
Don't eat at any pizzeria with 'Ray's' in the name.
Turtle Bay
Enjoy the architecture....stop on every corner and spend a minute or two looking up at all the beautiful buildings.
If you see someone talking to themselves stop and say hello...they're probably just lonely.
If someone tries to sell you a watch remember that Bolex is one step above Rolex.
Give money to any panhandler who tells you it's "For The Children".
"Wha Da Fuck Are You Lookin' At" is New York's version of Aloha
Don't forget to tell everyone "Happy 9/11" on September eleventh
j/k
Good Luck
I predict Queens. Or a sketchy part of Brooklyn.
I went to visit my friend, a lifelong New Yorker, three years after he moved to Hawaii for school (this was 13 years ago, I think he's still going). Everywhere we went I had to keep slowing down because I was walking too fast for him to keep up. Finally he just said "this place slows you down brah". I volunteer to walk in front of you on your first stroll through midtown's afternoon rush. Shit, I might even pick you up from the airport if you need it.
Do you own any winter clothes?
15 degrees with the wind chill this morning. A bit nippy.
U Chinese?