Amusing Record Store Talk - add your own
soulmarcosa
4,296 Posts
[condescending record dork sarcasm]The one thing that won't be fun about Paych*ck's new record store is that it probably won't feature conversations like these (as heard at a local NC spot last night):CUTE HIPSTER GIRL CLERK: What do you wanna listen to?NERDY GUY CLERK: How about Black Eyed Peas.CUTE HIPSTER CLERK: Cool. I'm in the mood for some hiphop!(they put on MONKEY BUSINESS, the song with the Deke Dickerson "Misirlou" sample plays, and I can't help rolling my eyes at how lame it is to sample something from PULP FICTION about 10 years after the fact)HIPSTER CUSTOMER: Hey this is pretty funky!CUTE HIPSTER CLERK: Yeah it's good!HIPSTER CUSTOMER: Who is this?NERDY GUY CLERK: Black Eyed Peas.HIPSTER CUSTOMER: Wow I've never heard them before!NERDY GUY CLERK: Yeah, I haven't heard much from them either.Black Eyed Peas = RAER??? 
On the upside, I managed to pick up an OG Canadian press of the FAST PRODUCT MUTANT POP compilation for $6, and hollered at CUTE HIPSTER GIRL CLERK when she heard me mention Sharon Jones in relation to The Mighty Imperials album I was buying. "I love Sharon Jones!" she exclaimed. Turns out she came to our last soul & funk gig, loved it, and "can't wait" to come to the next one in a few weeks. Guess I should pick up a copy of MONKEY BUSINESS after all. [/condescending record dork sarcasm]Any other funny record store talk out there in SoulStrutLand?
On the upside, I managed to pick up an OG Canadian press of the FAST PRODUCT MUTANT POP compilation for $6, and hollered at CUTE HIPSTER GIRL CLERK when she heard me mention Sharon Jones in relation to The Mighty Imperials album I was buying. "I love Sharon Jones!" she exclaimed. Turns out she came to our last soul & funk gig, loved it, and "can't wait" to come to the next one in a few weeks. Guess I should pick up a copy of MONKEY BUSINESS after all. [/condescending record dork sarcasm]Any other funny record store talk out there in SoulStrutLand?
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Anyway, they have all the sleeves on display and hide the records back behind the counter, so you have to ask for the record to listen to it. You give them the sleeve, they pair it up with the record (stored alphabetically underneath the counter). They dont have to put in the sleeve or nothing, just match it up, and then put it back down below afterward.
As I'm browsing, the dude is real polite like 'Anything you wanna listen to mate, just let me know and I'll sort it out man.'. I say thanks and I'll do that.
So I find quite a few I wanna check out. I pass him the covers and say 'Is it okay to check these out'? He pulls out the records for them (they are in white sleeves - all he's gotta do is just find them and pop them on the counter).
So he's done this a few times for me and I've ended up with a stack of about 7 I wanna buy (at usual new LP retail price - quite a profit for them). I've listened to about 20.
I walk up to the counter and say, 'You've got a good selection here man, I'll take these plaese'...........
He says 'Asking to listen to five records is okay..... ten is a bit of a joke.... but 20 is taking the fucking piss mate!'.
So I said 'Well fuck it then, you've can have your fucking records back and I'll go someplace else then'.
Bear in mind, this is the owner of the shop.
What a tosser.... Sayin tho.
owner: ehhhh, 200 Euros!
customer (after he made his payment): you know what?
owner: what?
customer: i would have paid 1,000 Euros! Those records are quite rare! Thanks dude!
Hahahaha. He spoke German badly, so it was even more funny. He really said something that translates into "thanks dude!". I read about asshole dealers a lot on this board. How about asshole customers?? He's one!
customer (of croco disc in paris, france): you're not supposed to touch the records!
so how were we supposed to flip through the records? we were only allowed to look at the boxes without touching the records! he threw out my friend later on, because he pulled out one record.
owner: ok, 20 euros for each record.
me (trying to make a joke): i'll give you 2 for these 4!
owner: ok.
how does he earn money? i was joking. and it still works. he's got price tags, but you can walk up to his counter and just say: i'll pay you 3 euros instead of 15. he agrees 9 out of 10 times!
me: i'm looking for soundtracks by Elmer Bernstein . Which box are they in?
owner of the well sorted store: bernstein? no, we don't have records by this guy. never heard of him. what soundtrack did he compose?
he had over 30 records by bernstein! and he wasn't drunk, stoned or trying to fool me. he was all serious. why is he owning a record store?
DATELINE: HiFi Records, Chicago, last month:
ME: Do you have the new Faith Evans album on vinyl?
CLERK: Hmm...(thinks hard) Wow, no, I don't think we have that one.
ME: (disappointed, goes to new r'n'b album section, flips past 5 records, finds new Faith Evans album, brings to counter, purchases from above clerk)
OLD GUY WITH LISP WHO USED TO BE IN THE MEMPHIS GOONS: I have some records, would you take a look at them?
ME:sure( has a box of stuff, most of it meat and potatoes, I pull 6 records, 3 45s, 3 LPs....a serge gainsbourg 45, a James Carr 45, a 45 I have no idea what it is on, but the label looks ghetto, a bootleg doors live LP, a impulse side, and I forget the other one)I offer him $25 cash or $50 credit(which is generous as hell, I only do this because he was in the Memphis Goons and Shangri-La, the store, put out the Memphis Goons records)
OLD GUY WITH LISP WHO USED TO BE IN THE MEMPHIS GOONS: Oh my god!!!!Do you know who I am????I have never been so insulted in all my life!!!
ME:Sorry, maybe you should bring these back when Jared(owner) is here...
OLD GUY WITH LISP WHO USED TO BE IN THE MEMPHIS GOONS: (not even listening to my suggestion) How old are you???? Do you know ANYTHING about records???? This is a James Carr on Goldwax!!!! Do you even know who Serge Gainsbourg is!!!????
ME:yeah, I have heard of him(trying to keep sarcasm face to a minimum)
OLD GUY WITH LISP WHO USED TO BE IN THE MEMPHIS GOONS:Well, I am never coming into this store again, you have seen the last of me!!!!
ME: bye
I then proceed to call Jared, who is out of town, I was kind of thinking a made faux pas because of OLD GUY's relationship with the store...I tell Jared the story..
Jared:Fuck that guy
One week later, dude comes back...and shingaling offers him $15 for the same records and dude takes his offer(turns out he took those records all over town and was only offered less then half of what I offered him)!!!!
moral of the story...if you want "market value" for your records dont take them to a shop dumbass...its a business, you have to make a profit as you have insurance, salaries, rent and shit to pay. Dont be a fucking know it all and argue with employees who make you an offer..just accept it or refuse the offer and leave...chances are the store is going to be able to survive without your $15 records on their shelves.
I HAVE TOO MANY TO POST, I WILL POST IT LATER
YESTERDAY I SAW A HIPSTER YOUNG KID ASKING SPECIFICALLY TO BUY "EYES WITHOUT A FACE" AND PROBABLY PAID $10 FOR IT
I LOVE RECORDS.
I need to dig out that CD again - I recall it being pretty cool. Really raw for the era, right?
Bananas! For real this little anecdote has me laughing out loud for some reason.
Most straight-up record talk evar.
I can't think of any storys this good right now. But it reminds me of being in the EM in Beaverton and listening to Cute Hipster Girl Clerk, and Nerdy Guy Clerk. I wish I could remember the converstation. It was funny because NGC was clearly madly in love with CHGC but didn't have the selfestem to let her know. It went along these lines:
CHGC: I like this group.
NGC: They are AWESOME!!
CHGC: There not that good.
NGC: I know!! They are good but not really awesome.
CHGC: When I get home I have to clean the bathroom, I hate that.
NGC: (under his breath) I'll clean it for you.
CHGC: Huh?
NGC: Nothing.
I listened to this kind of conversation for about 15 minutes. It was sad.
Dan
i like this thread! continue on.
yeah...makes the Shaggs look like the Supremes.
Voted worst band in Memphis 3 years in a row! Memphis's Fugs!
We put out a 7" too.
Serious-looking guy about the same age with a beard, bifocals and a Che shirt: "Yeah, shoot."
"What's the difference between my ass and your face?"
"I already heard this shit in elementary school, jackwad."
*ignoring that comment* "Nothing! hahahahahahahahaha!"
*laughs weakly*
"You got a better one?"
"Yeah...Smile if you're a cocksucker."
*Gets an immature shiteating grin and tries to play it off*
I knew you swung that way!
Both of them continued their undivided attention to record searching and didn't say a word after that.
CAUTION, Insensitve to people with lisp post:
I used to play guitar with this guy who's roommate had a lisp. He liked to sing along and could carry a tune far better than I. We were playing the Johnny Horton song Battle Of New Orleans. He sang the bridge like this:
Well, they Wan thWough the bWiars and they Wan thWough the bWambles
And they Wan thWough the bushes where a Wabbit couldn't go.
They Wan so fast the hounds couldn't catch 'em
down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.
Damn dawg!
Too cool clerk: What are you guys looking for?
Me: Good music and nice looking women.
Too cool: In the same place?
ME (store owner): Hello
DUDE: Hi, where is your Christian section?
ME: Hmmm...we don't really have a Christian section. I usually mix xian stuff with the genre of music they play. Like Larry Norman in the rock section. MXPX in the punk...what are you looking for?
DUDE: The Christian section.
ME: Uh...we don't have a Christian section. I usually mix...
DUDE: You're a fascist!
ME: I think you need to leave now.
DUDE (red faced and finger pointed): YOU'RE A FASCIST!!!
ME: Bye!
Dude leaves.
________________________________________
STORY #2:
40 yr old guy comes in with his ten and fifteen yr old sons.
ME: Hello
DUDE: Hi, where would I find Kiss CDs?
ME: Right there in the rock section under K.
DUDE: Cool. I have to replace my collection. I had them all but my wife has kicked me out of the house and won't give them back.
ME: Oh, that sucks.
DUDE: Yeah, she wants a divorce. I think I can get her to change her mind but...I don't know... She's been telling the police that I beat her...I've never hit her...
DUDE'S 15 YR OLD SON: Dad...
DUDE (to his son): Have you ever seen me beat your mom?
SON: Dad...let's go...
The guy went on for about ten minutes about his marital problems while I and both of his sons were dying of embarrassment. I would say things like "that's really unfortunate" and "I hope you are able to figure things out" which only seemed to fuel his out pour. Finally his sons got him to shut up and leave.
About two months later, I got a call to go look at a guy's record collection. I about died when guess who opened the door! About 200 shit 70's rock records and the most KISS collectibles I've seen in my life (the cheesy modern toys and shit). Turns out this guy and his friends used to dress up like Kiss in the late 70s and just walk around town. To this day, he occasionally dresses up as Gene Simmons when he goes to concerts and pro-wrestling events. He was also living with his new girlfriend whom he was already engaged.
As awkward as it is to deal with people like this...I consider myself very lucky to get the chance from time to time.
owner's friend: you gotta get out and walk around
owner: (grunts)
owner's friend: lately, i've been walking around and collecting wood.
owner: why would you do that?
owner's friend: i take it to my son, he likes to burn it.
owner: what the hell's wrong with you?!?!?!?
they had a few other moments, but when he snapped that shit in the most disgusted tone i've voice i've heard in a while, i had to burst out laughing...
Redneck White Dude in wife beater:Records
Black dude with pink shirt open, no shirt underneath: Yeah, records man. I have some good ones.
Redneck: Oh yeah? Whatcha have?
Black dude: Got some Nat King Cole, some Johnny Mathis. The one really valuable one I have is a sealed Sammy Davis record.
Redneck: Oh yeah?
Black dude: You wanna know what I'm gonna do one of these days?
REdneck: What's that?
Black dude: Wanna know who has a huge Sammy Davis collection?
(PASUE)
WAYNE BRADY.[/b]
I think I'm gonna call his publicist and tell him about the record.
I walk casually outta the shop and try not to die laughing.
..so, i'm in a small store, flipping through a pile of records that are not priced yet.
I pull out Asanovic's 'Majko Zemljo' with a poker face, wave it casually in the air and ask 'how much for this one?'
the owner, a creepy character, standing in the doorway and checking out the street traffic turns to me, sees the record, checks me out head to toe, slowly, and then turns his eyes away, significally glares outside to the horizon and says: 'a lot kid, a lot...'. nodding his head or something.
he gets me there for a second, and i stand there saying nothing wondering how long can this silence last, starting to get amused, the pause is really dramatic, tense, you could cut the suspense in the air with a sharp knife, when he pops out the equivalent of 'twenty dollars, kid..', and i'm not that much of a whipper-snapper (!) i'm 27 and wearing a moustache. i pay him quickly and run out for some hard liquor, sweating in between laughs.
Reaches under counter and pulls out a pile about 6 inches deep. I start flicking through and pull out 5 pieces, coming to about ??200.
"I'll take these"
"Errrr, no you can't"
"Why not?"
"They're kinda reserved"
"Ehhh but you said.......reserved for who?"
"Well, Gilles Peterson needs to look through this pile first, and he should be coming in tomorrow. Come back then."
"Wha......but here's 200 in cash."
"Sorry, but......"
"So my money isn't good enough......pfffftttt."
etc etc
But my favourite spot is this one place that is fucking run by methadone addicts. i call it the crackhead spot. This place is like something out of the fucking movies. It's all shitty second hand instruments and shitty, dirty records. Word is that half the shit in there is hot, and the other half is broken!
Anyway, I will never forget the first time i walked in there: dude was standing behind the counter smoking a bong. I shit you not. As soon as dude opens his mouth, you know he's a junkie. He has that unmistakable drawl of self-pitty and bitterness. it's just sad and hillarious at the same time. But this shop gives up crazy heat, and no-one else seems to know about it.
Last time i was in there methadone head was going on and on about his ex-girlfriend and how she gives him a hard deal all the time. Man, I felt like telling him to shut up and get his life together, but truth be told, I don't want to piss him off because he might charge me more for what i want. Oh yeah, no records are priced in this shop: all the shit is just sitting there and they work out prices when you bring it all to the counter. Usually it ain't much, but it all depends who you get. The methadone addict offered me a toke in his joint one time when i was there. I politely refused, all the while fighting the urge to ask how many types of hepatits I could contract free of charge. This other time I was in there, dudes girlfriend was sitting on this chair right near me. And for the 10 minutes I was going through these crates, she was just constantly muttering quietly to herself. It was really really unsettling.
But in this year past I have pulled insane records from this place, and paid no more than $10 a piece for them.
Ahh the things we put up with for records.
No matter what you bring to the counter, he whips out the record guide, puts on his bifocals and pulls down one of those big flurescent light/magnifying glass combos that jewelers use. Consistently underpriced the few gems I was able to dig out of his store.
Moron.
Those folls on ebay who try and sell reckids, and deliberately leave out the artist name and title because its a 'Super rare one of a kind super dope break and super secret shit you shouldn't even know about or you could be arrested and pistol whipped 15 times in the ear'.
They provide an MP3 sample for you to listen to though, just so you can get some clue (otherwise you'd just be bidding on a record that you don't even know anything about).
So you open up the MP3 and OH DEAR, for fecks sake DOOD, theres the fecking artist and the title of the track.
............
I maen COME ON!!!
Record Dude: ...so yeah, last week I was scoping out this huge collection of 45s it was great!
Me: (trying to sound interested) oh, really? What did you find?
Record Dude: Oh all kinds of stuff. But the best part was that I was able to pay for the records by letting the guy suck my dick. Can you believe that? what a weirdo huh?
Me: (poker face in full effect) yeah, that guy sounds really odd.
Record Dude: Yeah, tell me about it. There are all sorts of wackos out there.
*keep in mind, this Record Dude was married too.
Isnt this like the second homosexual record experience you have had?