George Carlin 2008 Old & Irrelevent or Still Funny
Rockadelic
Out Digging 13,993 Posts
George Carlin's New Rules For 2008:New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you! want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.' New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done. New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN! number , pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.' New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
Comments
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Sounds like any other Carlin jokes fro mthe last 10 years or so.
He's one of the best to do it, but he sounds a little preachy in his stand up routines these days. He's still pretty damn funny though.
I don't know, considering how old he is, dude is still pretty funny. He manages to walk the fine line between being up on/in touch with what's going on in the world and understanding it and being old/crotchety/bitter enough to be able to stand at a distance and shit on it.
I liked this one in particular.
this got me
However, I saw him live a few years ago and he was a DRAG. His post-drugs/old man persona is more cranky than original and funny.
The man could never be irrelevant. Ever.
"Airport security is full of shit!!!"
"Fuck the House Of Blues........They should rename it the House Of lame, white, cigar smokin, Hollywood muthafuckas!"
"Fuck the children!!!!"
"White Guys over the age of 12, shouldn't wear their baseball hat backwards. It doesnt make u cool.
And Black Guys, since u started it, once u qualify for a driver's license, turn that fucker around!"
That is one of the most played out jokes there is. Mark Kriegel deaded it for everyone ten years ago in the Daily News when he wrote "Someone tell Marcus Camby that he's walking around with an order for General Tso's Chicken on his arm."
Other than that I love me some Carlin. One of my dad's friends went to elementary school with him, catholic school, back when the nuns could whip your ass for getting out of line. He said Carlin was the only person he ever saw who could actually make the nuns laugh, and this was when they were kids!!
This is kinda funny but I kinda hate on the crusty, bitter old stoner. Coworker was playing an album from him yesterday and I just had to stop marvel at how unfunny his material is.
Kind of bummed I convinced my friends to go. Didn't quite live up to expectations. Kinda like when I tried to explain to my friends who Frank Zappa was back in the day. That concert was in a particularly low point for him, Sheik Yerbouti/"Bobby Brown", etc...booooring!
This, coming from Emo Philips. The un-funniest man alive.
Now there is a guy that is not funny....not even a little bit funny.
Seriously, if you like George Carlin I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume you also think hand buzzers and whoopie cushions are funny too.
Your not funny
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!
Dane Cook is so unfunny he's passed through into a state of quantum negative funny, in which he sucks humor out of the atnosphere around him....
Dudes who ride for Dennis Leary need to recognize the real.
I definitely recognize Bill Hicks.