Office quotes
TheeeCasualMale
2,564 Posts
Does anyone else keep a log of all the great quotes blurted out in your office?We just had a great one minutes ago. Listening to Rufus Thomas and then out of nowhere, my co-worker Wes sings out:CAN YOUR CHICKEN DOGGY-STYLE A ROOOOBOOOOOTand it was awesome.
Comments
"Reply All" email from last week.
from my Frickin' douchebag nemesis about why he was coming in the day after thanksgiving.
I told him that was fine; but, as we had no cameramen or editors coming in, so he would be here alone.
he came in anyway.
to say i hate him at this point is such an understatement.
"This is the most exciting mid-season roster transaction that I can ever remember!"
Anytime I've had to count in threes, from grammar school onward, I couldn't help but lapse into the hook from Schoolhouse Rock.
*****
And here I was thinking this was gonna be about the ridiculous shit people have said on the Office teevee show.
Oh well, it was funny to me when it happened.
I feel your pain. When I was still in tech support, I used to instruct people to open a web browser, which was invariably replied to with...
WHAT'S A WEB BROWSER?[/b]
Now I mainly deal with ad salespeople, who are by and large the lyingest bunch of slackjaws I have EVER come across.
The kind of thing I hear all day:
"Can I still get an ad in product XYZ?"
Me: The deadline was two days ago.
"Yeah, but can I get it in?"
Me: The deadline was two days ago.
"But, but, but (insert bullshit story about how their poorly paid subordinate made some tragic mistake and this is the most important advertiser we have and blah blah blah......).
Ha ha, this is almost graemlin-worthy. Or perhaps a ring-tone.
We had a quote board at my old lab, but most of the quotes are really only funny if you're a science nerd. The VP at the company I worked at before grad school was king of the malapropos, for example one time he said something was "the gravy on the cake".
from my boss this morning:
"what's _______ e mail, i have to send him the 2 girls and one cup video"
and
the most over used phrase that is yelled in the office/ warehouse:
"FUCK THAT GUY"
Wow, your workplace is a lawsuit/harassment suit waiting to happen...yikes!
"I just want to quantify this"
"I just want to qualify this"
and then:
"No, I want to qualify, not quantify this"
and
"I know you are going to hate me, maybe not right now, but someday you are going to hate me..."
yeah it's quite lax and i can easily say that the envelope has been pushed many times, but no harrassment/lawsuit in the 2.5 years i've been there.
it's a great place to work
"Man, this music is making me hungry"
(while listening to Panjabi MC)
late 2003
"Even if you wanted to fuck a monkey, I don't think it would let you."
April 8 2004
"The other day, I had to piss and I didn't have a bottle, so I pissed in the foil liner bag that those Pepperidge Farm cookies come in and I threw it out the window and it just exploded."
April 8 2004
(Re: the 4 people in the Burlesque office at this time were a black dude, a half-Chinese dude, a Jewish dude, and an Italian dude)
"It's like a god-damn Benneton ad up in here."
April 8 2004
George (to Mike): "I didn't even know you had a sister ... Is she hot?"
Wes: "George, do you think your daughter is gonna be hot?"
George: "Probably!"
April 21, 2004
"Man, when was the last time someone talked about the band "Live" for more than 30 seconds? I think we just set a new world's record."
May 11, 2004
"Man, if you're gonna be high, you may as well be at a strip club."
May 26, 2004
Re: a wedding I went to...
"Mike: There were a lot of white, white, white people there."
"George: Wait, was it like an albino wedding?"
June 29, 2004
"If given the opportunity, if there was some socially acceptable way for a guy to dress as a slut, I guess I'd do it."
July 2, 2004
While sending explicit photos over ichat...
"Shall I continue the short trip down mammory lane?"
September 24, 2004
Re: Jessica Alba...
"I'd make a 20 ft. tall platinum statue of my cock if I ever got to bang her"
june 6, 2005
"If god thinks that torturing me is gonna convince me to believe in him; He's sadly mistaken..."
January 19. 2005
and regarding him trying to get me to eat my first pot brownie at Dre Day (which didn't happen):
"Yeah, of course I'm coming back for Drizzle Dizzle. There's no way I'm gonna miss your 'coming out of the XXstraight edgeXX closet party' -having your life spiral completely out of control on pot brownies. Believe you me, I am going to be a special olympics bronze medalist by the end of the evening and you're coming with me motherfucker!"
feb 16, 2006
Man, I could spend some quality time with that guy!
We have some good one's around here, but two of my favourites are -
"You know, I'm really an icon to most people". Spoken by boss, who is never going to be referred to as an icon.
"This is great music - for people who know nothing about music." Said while some awful dj's were playing one of their 'creations' on the stereo.
hahahahaha
As stated by my old boss back when I was consulting (with 4 PhD consultants in his office):
-"If I have to think for you, what in the hell am I paying you guys for?"
Needless to say, we scrambled back to our desks to figure out the dilemma for which we sought his advice.
Here's one from the docks of old UPS where I worked in undergrad (some shit-talk with the boss):
Me: Suck my dick, Dave.
Dave: I don't do small jobs.
Peace,
Big Stacks from Kakalak
Could you get me that file out of the bottom drawer there .... no, not that one .... not that one .... oh yea, that's the one.
Good Lord Almighty.
JLR can I have your job? seriously with scenery like that how do you get any work done?
like I said:
BABY
GOT
BACK
was written about your co-worker
That's it, I'm quitting the USA and moving to South America.
Boss: "Sure, what you gonna wear?"
Me: "I have the greatest costume ever.....I'll be coming as the Invisible Man"
Boss: "In that case you'll get the Invisible Paycheck"
Boss: Fuck, Dori! Fuck!
Me: Take a deep breath, man. I know what you need.. (I was gonna say that he needed to smoke a joint)
Boss: What, a blowjob?
Me: Uh.. no.. and don't look at me!
--
A friend of mine used to always say that he was going to "take care of some paperwork" every time he went to the bathroom to take a shit. Hilarious.
Pic please!!!
Peace,
Big Stacks from Kakalak
'All these salads at Chili's look so good!'
The same guy once said regarding a fatal shooting "Yeah, he just walked right in and popped her in the head with his blog."
I think he meant Glock.
January 19. 2005
This just made my day. Thank you.