short version: sudden, impossible to stop, no warning ultra loud and rather amazing (long, loud, consistent) flatulence whilst recieving oral relief in bed. She laughed and didnt kill or break up with me, to her immense credit. no memory if we picked up the thraed or called it a night without the, er, relief.
There was this girl at my Uni, she was probably the most intelligent girl I met there. She was studying law in a foreign language, and coasting. Whats more she was model beautiful. But her boyfriend was a complete looser, his favourite thing was to fart, then hold her under the covers so she had to breath it in.
short version: sudden, impossible to stop, no warning ultra loud and rather amazing (long, loud, consistent) flatulence whilst recieving oral relief in bed. She laughed and didnt kill or break up with me, to her immense credit. no memory if we picked up the thraed or called it a night without the, er, relief.
There was this girl at my Uni, she was probably the most intelligent girl I met there. She was studying law in a foreign language, and coasting. Whats more she was model beautiful. But her boyfriend was a complete looser, his favourite thing was to fart, then hold her under the covers so she had to breath it in.
short version: sudden, impossible to stop, no warning ultra loud and rather amazing (long, loud, consistent) flatulence whilst recieving oral relief in bed. She laughed and didnt kill or break up with me, to her immense credit. no memory if we picked up the thraed or called it a night without the, er, relief.
There was this girl at my Uni, she was probably the most intelligent girl I met there. She was studying law in a foreign language, and coasting. Whats more she was model beautiful. But her boyfriend was a complete looser, his favourite thing was to fart, then hold her under the covers so she had to breath it in.
There was this girl at my Uni, she was probably the most intelligent girl I met there. She was studying law in a foreign language, and coasting. Whats more she was model beautiful. But her boyfriend was a complete looser, his favourite thing was to fart, then hold her under the covers so she had to breath it in.
i believe the proper term for that is a "dutch oven"...
Sexy older woman, i was 19 she was late thirties, we are off our heads on chemicals (long time ago folks) and in the middle of it on my bed, i am standing holding her upside down, going down. suddenly a jet of hot piss erupts into my mouth and she screams, not yells but SCREAMS "golden shower baby!" i freak out, drop her on her head and she crumples into the foetal position, still pissing on my bed.
she says "what the fuck? you asshole"
and i figure what the fuck, and piss on her.
embarrasing because i had to dump the mattress and was caught by the cops and fined for illegally dumping trash.
you sir...are really the top of any sex related thread. This story had me laughing quite out loud. Props....
There was this girl at my Uni, she was probably the most intelligent girl I met there. She was studying law in a foreign language, and coasting. Whats more she was model beautiful. But her boyfriend was a complete looser, his favourite thing was to fart, then hold her under the covers so she had to breath it in.
i believe the proper term for that is a "dutch oven"...
How did these morsels get overlooked? My personal favourites [sic].
I pulled out to find my bellend covered in blood.
There, on my mattress, was the bloody imprint of my swollen member from when I'd pulled out. It was like some Turin shroud steez right down to the veiny details.
A friend of mine was going down on his girl and she farted
NZ Shadow
Killed it.
HarveyCanal"a distraction from my main thesis." 13,234 Posts
I once shot a wad in my own eye. College girlfriend going down on me as I was laying down on my back. She didn't want me to bust in her mouth, so I kinda sat up to let her know it was time. She backed off at the very last second and wham, bottle rocket to the left eye. We laughed for weeks over that one.
A friend of mine was going down on his girl and she farted
It's happened to me as well. Not a deal-breaker.
2 weeks into my freshman year of college my roommate brought a girl back to our room when he thought I was asleep, but I had been woken up by their drunken stumble into the room. They proceeded to do their thing, and I, not knowing him (or her for that matter) well enough at the time didn't want to get up and leave in the middle of my boy's stroke, so I played dead until they finished up. The worst part was all of the embarrassing post-coital chitchat, she was really into him and he was desperately trying to get rid of her. She finally left, and as soon as he got back in bed I repeated back some of the sweet nothings he had just told her and then left the room to take a leak. When I came back he was on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands, saying some "oh god, I'm never going to live this down am I?" type shit.
My girl was being entertained when her kid in the next room woke up. The guy (who is also a good friend) kinda freaked and didn???t want to put the kid, her or himself in an awkward situation so he went out in the hall (she has the only flat on the main floor). He was naked, he locked himself out, he didn???t want to bang on the door and make noise and draw attention. He???s out there for like 20 minutes when the landlord happens to walk in to do work on the upstairs flat. Landlord calls my friend to come open the door, your friend is locked out. She opens the door to my boy standing in the hall cupping his junk and the 60+year old landlord standing there with a smirk on his face.
I don't want to embarrass the guy, so I will never bring this up with him, but picturing him (waist up) in this situation makes me giggle.
My own rumpus life is pretty bland when it comes to cringe-worthy ??? I had a friend get to work with my bra hanging halfway out the back of his pants. The girls at his work had a field day.
I once shot a wad in my own eye. College girlfriend going down on me as I was laying down on my back. She didn't want me to bust in her mouth, so I kinda sat up to let her know it was time. She backed off at the very last second and wham, bottle rocket to the left eye. We laughed for weeks over that one.
Bust a nut inside mine own eye to show myself where I (cum) from
One late summer night, I was walking back from the Columbia University area heading back to 112th/ Central Park north and I drunkenly stumble upon A young LADY OF THE NIGHT. In my soused state (probably in sober one too), I start talking to this attractive hooker. After realizing my game isn't so thick, we talk about how much it might cost. I only had a little over fifty bucks in my pocket at the time after drinks and what not. After Agreeing, we walk to the bodega and cop a Trojan.
Walking to what I think is her apartment, we pass her pimp slumped back in his Montero or Rodeo or something and she looks, he nods and we're off down the block. While walking up the traditional seven step stoop she says "we need to give the building manager 10$ to get in." I tell her look I only have like 48$ bucks on me after the condom and is that okay? Yeah. Alright, I give a ten spot and some long-haired greasy old white dude lets us in and promptly heads back to his apartment. She leads me up to the first landing or halfway between the first and second floor, where the stairs turnaround. "Alright here we are," she says.
WHOA... ...FUCK IT, NO PROBLEM!
38$ and 15 minutes later I am pulling up my trousers. Not too shabby. Maintained my rhythm until she asked me politely and with a smile to "finish." After all is said and done I hand her the cash and say "adios." We walk out the building and she heads towards 'Ol Boy and I walk the opposite direction until I hear bum shout at me "DDDDamn boy, you was in there for a long time, you's doin somethin right." I cheese and think to myself, AMEN.
Worth every cent.
Alright. Girl is naked on her stomach and requests a rub down. Doing my thing and massaging her feet, calves, thighs, and ass. Working her big cheeks and about to dive head first when she tenses up and acts like she's freaking out. Runs to the bathroom. Comes out and the spark is gone. I almost dove face first into a fresh SHART! Better?
Alright. Girl is naked on her stomach and requests a rub down. Doing my thing and massaging her feet, calves, thighs, and ass. Working her big cheeks and about to dive head first when she tenses up and acts like she's freaking out. Runs to the bathroom. Comes out and the spark is gone. I almost dove face first into a fresh SHART! Better?
No! I want more embarrassing!
Haha! Just kidding...although, the second story, I see the girl as having more to be red-faced (though the term red-bottoms is taking on new meaning here) about. I would be horrified if it were me....I would just stay in there until the guy left lol
The pro could have turned down the $38, you were polite and upfront about it, no shame in that imo.
Most of my sex moments have been embarassing for one person or another.
HarveyCanal"a distraction from my main thesis." 13,234 Posts
I was at a house party to watch the Cowboys win one of their Super Bowls circa the early 90's. A bunch of us had eaten some ecstacy. Then a bunch of us decided it would be fun to get naked. Then most of us not including me decided it would be fun to start getting down right there in front of each other. I was basically just posted up with a bong watching a bunch of my friends tagteam each other. I watched this main chick get rotisseried while another couple was going at it on their own. Eventually dude from the couple switched over to all-points-of-entry girl which left his girlfriend to come over to me only to share some naked hugs and such, which was still plenty for me, being that she was a good friend's longtime girlfriend. Anyway, once 3-at-a-time chick was free again, I guess she decided that I needed to be her 4th that night, which I really wasn't interested in. The funny moment came when she inched close enough over to me that she could reach me and she literally stuck her hand out and grabbed my dick. Seriously, she was trying to pull me over by my tool. And since I still wasn't interested, I had to simultaneously turn away and swipe her hand with mine to get her to let go of my junk. She was hot too, but I guess even on drugs and unlike anyone else I was with that night, I maintain some semblance of standards.
In high school a good friend and I ended up having a short fling. We were worried about messing up our friendship, but it was high school so fuck it... Anyways, one day during 4th period we decided to skip class and head over to her house to go at it like rabbits (Plus, her mom always had the place filled with food so there were weekly BBQ's for lunch on the regular). So anyways, we are in her room and we were only a couple minutes into things when I hear a slam! Her dad had come home early and I could hear him say "*****, why are your underwear on the floor???". I had taken hers off downstairs...
I jumps so fast and started grabbing my clothes and made a beeline for the window. I had used the window many times in the past when we would just hang out as friends. Out the window with just a shirt, socks and underwear on and while I was making my way to the edge trying to put my pants on I fell off the roof. Now it was one of those low hanging garage rooves and when I fell I ended up falling into a bush so I wasn't injured much. After I caught my senses, I continued to dress and laughed while I ran from the scene.
A couple of days later my mom walks into my room holding a pair of my underwear. She was doing the wash and when I tossed my briefs in, I totally forgot about what had happened. There were grass and mud stains with a bit of blood (The brush had cut up my butt cheeks a bit). My mom had the biggest WTF face I have ever seen on her...
On a note dealing with the same girl. We stopped messing around after that. But she hooked up with a guy I knew a few months after. He was over at her place and they were fooling around in her basement while her family was home. When all of a sudden her mom walked in on them while she was giving the guy a blowjob. The mom does a 180 and heads out of the room while letting out a "Dinner is ready". So they head to the dinner table (He was invited earlier) and when my friend sits down she notices that dinner has onions in it. So she lets out a "You know I hate onions!!!" and without missing a beat the mom replies with "Well, we all know what you like in your mouth!". She was mortified and her dad and brother just had a "What is that all about?" look.
SAME GIRL... 6 months later she was sun tanning. She had set up sun chair on a picnic table. When she got up to change her position she tripped and fell off the table. Well, the chair had been knocked off and when she fell, she landed on the chair. One of the legs went up her vagina and did serious damage. She ended up in the hospital for a month and had to have plastic surgery. She moved soon after and I have never talked to her since.
Anyways. I work for a major University. I walk into "Embarrassing sex moments" often. Nothing funnier than walking in on students in the throes of passion and seeing them stuck like deer in headlights.
I'm embarrassed that I haven't had sex in a while.
:get_on_my_level:
But having met a girl who, to paraphrase Enter The Dragon, could teach me a lot about myself, I expect to have some stories to add to this thread soon enough :-P
HarveyCanal"a distraction from my main thesis." 13,234 Posts
The time my dad busted into my room when my high school girlfriend and I were buck naked and going at it on the floor. He just stood there way too long with her titties hanging out and such. I was definitely embarrassed for her...and especially for him.
In high school I had been hooking up with this crazy chick who was the daughter of a police sargent. Well he came home from work one day only to find me butt naked screwing his daughter while she was handcuffed to the bed with a pair of his cuffs. He yelled a bit then drove off. She told me I had better leave. I was nervous as hell that he would be waiting aroung the corner for me. I sped back home with no issue. I even saw him a week later and he joked about it.
A few weeks later we were bonin' in a bathroom at a house party and someone opened the door and we were seen mid-act by about 5 party goers. She said that she "forgot" to lock the door. In hindsight I think she was into being caught in the act. She most likely knew what time her dad came home and set the whole thing up. Same deal with the door not being locked at the party.
Years later I heard that she had gotten strung out on drugs and arrested for shoplifting at the mall. Her dad was the arresting officer!
one night in my early, militantly-single, twenties i was out at a bar with some friends who are in a tax bracket shamefully higher than mine, in a bar/club/lounge/VIP section tailored to their needs. after using about 7-10oz of quality gin to get over the insecurity of being a construction worker in a world of brokers, backers, trust-funders and the nouveau riche, i managed to isolate the handful of girls that weren't actively seeking out a sultan or sugar daddy for the night. i waited until the pretty one with the glasses made a break for the bar, and intercepted the bartender before she had a chance to pretend to want to pay. i gave her my "yeah, i dont know what i'm doing here" face and she came over for, what i assume was to thank me.
i had bought my introduction time.
i told her that pretty girls with glasses was admittedly an achilles heel of mine, and she asked if i was "one of those eye doctors". i told her no, i was not an optometarianist. she asked, if i wasn't an eye doctor guy, what did i do? i told her 'usually come to bars like this and buy drinks for girls in glasses'. she laughed, i laughed. she wouldn't budge. it was as though she NEEDED to know what my source of income was before she allowed the conversation to go any further, so i did what any other guy in my situation would do. i skipped over 'exaggeration' and moved right into 'bald-face lie'.
i told her i collected 'residuals'.
'like royalities?' she asked. i scrambled for the right lie. 'yep..... just like those'. she asked if i was a musician, i said no..... still scrambling. 'i'm an inventor'. uh oh. i'm officially into the sink or swim portion of the evening. i launch into it....
when i was 14 years old i couldn't afford a christmas present for my parents so i went into the garage and felt that unravelling, repairing, and setting up the christmas lights for the family would serve as great replacement for gifts, but then kept getting frustrated when a single damaged bulb would short the whole chain. i spent weeks in the garage tinkering with an idea where the circuit went both directions leaving it intact through failure. this required hanging the light vertically FROM a strand as a opposed to horizontally ALONG it. on that christmas "icicle lights" were born.
i put them up on our house, but then neighbours asked where we got them. people down the streets asked where we got them. family. friends. landscapers. decorators. orders were piling in faster than i could keep up with! it was starting to interfere with my schoolwork!
hook. line. sinker.
took her back to the table and introduced her to my friends. she went and got her friends and every just had the best night ever, you know?
end of the night, after having put on the performance of a lifetime, she demands i come back to her apartment to see her collection of famous bands show posters. we go up. have another drink. sit on the couch. turn on the TV. dont watch any of it. you get the point.
that is..... until tragedy strikes. she had left the TV on the discovery channel [i think it was shark week] while all the fun stuff was going down, and doesn't "how its made" come on in the 3:00am time slot. OH, and guess what they're showing this week?
exercise trampolines. plastic tumblers. icicle lights. complete with an interview with the patent holder.
Comments
There was this girl at my Uni, she was probably the most intelligent girl I met there. She was studying law in a foreign language, and coasting. Whats more she was model beautiful. But her boyfriend was a complete looser, his favourite thing was to fart, then hold her under the covers so she had to breath it in.
thread stopper
i believe the proper term for that is a "dutch oven"...
you sir...are really the top of any sex related thread. This story had me laughing quite out loud. Props....
best line in this thread
Shit's too funny...
How did these morsels get overlooked? My personal favourites [sic].
Killed it.
It's happened to me as well. Not a deal-breaker.
2 weeks into my freshman year of college my roommate brought a girl back to our room when he thought I was asleep, but I had been woken up by their drunken stumble into the room. They proceeded to do their thing, and I, not knowing him (or her for that matter) well enough at the time didn't want to get up and leave in the middle of my boy's stroke, so I played dead until they finished up. The worst part was all of the embarrassing post-coital chitchat, she was really into him and he was desperately trying to get rid of her. She finally left, and as soon as he got back in bed I repeated back some of the sweet nothings he had just told her and then left the room to take a leak. When I came back he was on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands, saying some "oh god, I'm never going to live this down am I?" type shit.
He didn't.
I don't want to embarrass the guy, so I will never bring this up with him, but picturing him (waist up) in this situation makes me giggle.
My own rumpus life is pretty bland when it comes to cringe-worthy ??? I had a friend get to work with my bra hanging halfway out the back of his pants. The girls at his work had a field day.
Bust a nut inside mine own eye to show myself where I (cum) from
Walking to what I think is her apartment, we pass her pimp slumped back in his Montero or Rodeo or something and she looks, he nods and we're off down the block. While walking up the traditional seven step stoop she says "we need to give the building manager 10$ to get in." I tell her look I only have like 48$ bucks on me after the condom and is that okay? Yeah. Alright, I give a ten spot and some long-haired greasy old white dude lets us in and promptly heads back to his apartment. She leads me up to the first landing or halfway between the first and second floor, where the stairs turnaround. "Alright here we are," she says.
WHOA... ...FUCK IT, NO PROBLEM!
38$ and 15 minutes later I am pulling up my trousers. Not too shabby. Maintained my rhythm until she asked me politely and with a smile to "finish." After all is said and done I hand her the cash and say "adios." We walk out the building and she heads towards 'Ol Boy and I walk the opposite direction until I hear bum shout at me "DDDDamn boy, you was in there for a long time, you's doin somethin right." I cheese and think to myself, AMEN.
Worth every cent.
I look at this in different light than I used to...
Only a civil engineer would put the play ground right next to the sanitation facilities.
No! I want more embarrassing!
Haha! Just kidding...although, the second story, I see the girl as having more to be red-faced (though the term red-bottoms is taking on new meaning here) about. I would be horrified if it were me....I would just stay in there until the guy left lol
The pro could have turned down the $38, you were polite and upfront about it, no shame in that imo.
Thank You for sharing.
This thread is fun!
I jumps so fast and started grabbing my clothes and made a beeline for the window. I had used the window many times in the past when we would just hang out as friends. Out the window with just a shirt, socks and underwear on and while I was making my way to the edge trying to put my pants on I fell off the roof. Now it was one of those low hanging garage rooves and when I fell I ended up falling into a bush so I wasn't injured much. After I caught my senses, I continued to dress and laughed while I ran from the scene.
A couple of days later my mom walks into my room holding a pair of my underwear. She was doing the wash and when I tossed my briefs in, I totally forgot about what had happened. There were grass and mud stains with a bit of blood (The brush had cut up my butt cheeks a bit). My mom had the biggest WTF face I have ever seen on her...
On a note dealing with the same girl. We stopped messing around after that. But she hooked up with a guy I knew a few months after. He was over at her place and they were fooling around in her basement while her family was home. When all of a sudden her mom walked in on them while she was giving the guy a blowjob. The mom does a 180 and heads out of the room while letting out a "Dinner is ready". So they head to the dinner table (He was invited earlier) and when my friend sits down she notices that dinner has onions in it. So she lets out a "You know I hate onions!!!" and without missing a beat the mom replies with "Well, we all know what you like in your mouth!". She was mortified and her dad and brother just had a "What is that all about?" look.
SAME GIRL... 6 months later she was sun tanning. She had set up sun chair on a picnic table. When she got up to change her position she tripped and fell off the table. Well, the chair had been knocked off and when she fell, she landed on the chair. One of the legs went up her vagina and did serious damage. She ended up in the hospital for a month and had to have plastic surgery. She moved soon after and I have never talked to her since.
Anyways. I work for a major University. I walk into "Embarrassing sex moments" often. Nothing funnier than walking in on students in the throes of passion and seeing them stuck like deer in headlights.
:get_on_my_level:
But having met a girl who, to paraphrase Enter The Dragon, could teach me a lot about myself, I expect to have some stories to add to this thread soon enough :-P
A few weeks later we were bonin' in a bathroom at a house party and someone opened the door and we were seen mid-act by about 5 party goers. She said that she "forgot" to lock the door. In hindsight I think she was into being caught in the act. She most likely knew what time her dad came home and set the whole thing up. Same deal with the door not being locked at the party.
Years later I heard that she had gotten strung out on drugs and arrested for shoplifting at the mall. Her dad was the arresting officer!
i had bought my introduction time.
i told her that pretty girls with glasses was admittedly an achilles heel of mine, and she asked if i was "one of those eye doctors". i told her no, i was not an optometarianist. she asked, if i wasn't an eye doctor guy, what did i do? i told her 'usually come to bars like this and buy drinks for girls in glasses'. she laughed, i laughed. she wouldn't budge. it was as though she NEEDED to know what my source of income was before she allowed the conversation to go any further, so i did what any other guy in my situation would do. i skipped over 'exaggeration' and moved right into 'bald-face lie'.
i told her i collected 'residuals'.
'like royalities?' she asked. i scrambled for the right lie. 'yep..... just like those'. she asked if i was a musician, i said no..... still scrambling. 'i'm an inventor'. uh oh. i'm officially into the sink or swim portion of the evening. i launch into it....
when i was 14 years old i couldn't afford a christmas present for my parents so i went into the garage and felt that unravelling, repairing, and setting up the christmas lights for the family would serve as great replacement for gifts, but then kept getting frustrated when a single damaged bulb would short the whole chain. i spent weeks in the garage tinkering with an idea where the circuit went both directions leaving it intact through failure. this required hanging the light vertically FROM a strand as a opposed to horizontally ALONG it. on that christmas "icicle lights" were born.
i put them up on our house, but then neighbours asked where we got them. people down the streets asked where we got them. family. friends. landscapers. decorators. orders were piling in faster than i could keep up with! it was starting to interfere with my schoolwork!
hook. line. sinker.
took her back to the table and introduced her to my friends. she went and got her friends and every just had the best night ever, you know?
end of the night, after having put on the performance of a lifetime, she demands i come back to her apartment to see her collection of famous bands show posters. we go up. have another drink. sit on the couch. turn on the TV. dont watch any of it. you get the point.
that is..... until tragedy strikes. she had left the TV on the discovery channel [i think it was shark week] while all the fun stuff was going down, and doesn't "how its made" come on in the 3:00am time slot. OH, and guess what they're showing this week?
exercise trampolines. plastic tumblers. icicle lights. complete with an interview with the patent holder.