When the Gavin Newsom scandal broke, most of us assumed the public reaction would be a no-brainer. Sleeping with a married woman? How do you think that would play with wives, girlfriends and single women in the Bay Area?
As a Newsom staffer told a Chronicle reporter, there goes the women's vote.
But a funny thing happened after the headlines hit and the buzz began: Many women said they were ready to forgive and forget.
Not men, though. No way. Many said they would never trust Newsom again as long as they lived. Some were livid; many were incredulous.
The difference? Apparently it is the Man Code, a set of rigid but unwritten boundaries over which no man may step. Break the Man Code, and you're toast.
"It's a huge betrayal," sputtered Jason Mundstuk, 67, a business owner from Oakland who got upset just talking about it. "It's big. It's mythical."
C'mon, you say, what is this, a TV beer commercial? Evidently not. These guys were dead serious. Make no mistake -- having an affair with the wife of a trusted male colleague is an irrevocable Man Code violation.
"Hello?" wrote Mike Mulholland, 43, who grew up in the Bay Area before moving to San Diego County. "Newsom slept with his friend's wife. What if he stole from a friend? Or tried to frame a friend? Would that also be nobody's business?"
OK, haven't we heard this before? After all, Bill Clinton had his indiscretions with Monica Lewinsky. Former San Jose Mayor Ron Gonzales had a relationship with a 25-year-old member of his staff. So when news of Newsom's affair broke, the reaction of some women was: Are we supposed to be surprised by this?
"I feel like it's the norm now," said 19-year-old Jackie Abramo, who was having lunch with friends at Westfield San Francisco Centre on Friday. "I think it is sad, but it is almost expected."
Expected? The norm? Don't tell the men that.
"When you talk about things that are as low as you can go, without being criminal, this is it," said C.J. Keane, 43, of San Francisco. "Clinton, Gonzales, none of those guys are at this level. (Newsom) slept with the wife of a friend. Are you kidding me?"
It seems that what is at work here is another case in which women are from Venus and men are from the mysterious, dark side of the moon.
"There is a code that men live by," says family therapist Tracey Gersten, a woman. "Women may not know about it, or they may pooh-pooh it, but it is very real. I think if you put a group of men in a room, they'd have no trouble putting a man code together."
They certainly didn't have any trouble coming together on this one. When I wrote a column earlier this week suggesting that many San Franciscans were ready to let the mayor move on, my e-mail box filled up with men who disagreed. So did The Chronicle's voice-mail system. Most of the men who called to react to this week's scandal were upset with the mayor, while most of the women weren't.
Some of the responses were a little off-the-wall. One woman called in to say she thought Newsom campaign manager Alex Tourk, who quit over the incident, should consider it a compliment that "his wife was worth such flattering attention." But several of the women who called said we were making too much of this indiscretion. It happens, they said.
But not in the Man Code world. The reaction from men was loud and clear.
"The betrayal is the big thing," said Colin Hussey, 44, who was among those who wrote me. "Good God, this is your loyal ally. It is that sense of honor. It's like the samurai or even the mafia."
Contrast that with someone like Erika Von Taube. She was visiting from San Diego, but she spoke for many women who didn't see what the fuss was about.
"Who a politician is sleeping with is none of my business," Von Taube said Friday. "I would absolutely vote for him if he was doing a good job."
Chris Lehane, a consultant who worked for Clinton and other top Democrats, says the split isn't a total surprise. Although he stresses that gender generalizations are always dangerous, he thinks some trends do emerge.
"The reality is that men tend to be less forgiving and more ideologically conservative," Lehane says, "while women tend to be more sensitive to human foibles. We see in the poll numbers that women are more likely to come back and be supportive than men."
That's certainly what the mayor's staff is counting on. Newsom's chief political strategist, Eric Jaye, says that while there may be a great deal of reaction now, the mayoral race in November won't turn on the scandal.
"When we leap forward to November, the issues will be what they always are," Jaye says. "Are the buses running on time, and are we still filling those potholes?"
Comments
Peace,
Big Stacks from Kakalak
Is that her on the left?
not gay enough
Unforgivable breach of Man Code
- C.W. Nevius
Saturday, February 3, 2007
When the Gavin Newsom scandal broke, most of us assumed the public reaction would be a no-brainer. Sleeping with a married woman? How do you think that would play with wives, girlfriends and single women in the Bay Area?
As a Newsom staffer told a Chronicle reporter, there goes the women's vote.
But a funny thing happened after the headlines hit and the buzz began: Many women said they were ready to forgive and forget.
Not men, though. No way. Many said they would never trust Newsom again as long as they lived. Some were livid; many were incredulous.
The difference? Apparently it is the Man Code, a set of rigid but unwritten boundaries over which no man may step. Break the Man Code, and you're toast.
"It's a huge betrayal," sputtered Jason Mundstuk, 67, a business owner from Oakland who got upset just talking about it. "It's big. It's mythical."
C'mon, you say, what is this, a TV beer commercial? Evidently not. These guys were dead serious. Make no mistake -- having an affair with the wife of a trusted male colleague is an irrevocable Man Code violation.
"Hello?" wrote Mike Mulholland, 43, who grew up in the Bay Area before moving to San Diego County. "Newsom slept with his friend's wife. What if he stole from a friend? Or tried to frame a friend? Would that also be nobody's business?"
OK, haven't we heard this before? After all, Bill Clinton had his indiscretions with Monica Lewinsky. Former San Jose Mayor Ron Gonzales had a relationship with a 25-year-old member of his staff. So when news of Newsom's affair broke, the reaction of some women was: Are we supposed to be surprised by this?
"I feel like it's the norm now," said 19-year-old Jackie Abramo, who was having lunch with friends at Westfield San Francisco Centre on Friday. "I think it is sad, but it is almost expected."
Expected? The norm? Don't tell the men that.
"When you talk about things that are as low as you can go, without being criminal, this is it," said C.J. Keane, 43, of San Francisco. "Clinton, Gonzales, none of those guys are at this level. (Newsom) slept with the wife of a friend. Are you kidding me?"
It seems that what is at work here is another case in which women are from Venus and men are from the mysterious, dark side of the moon.
"There is a code that men live by," says family therapist Tracey Gersten, a woman. "Women may not know about it, or they may pooh-pooh it, but it is very real. I think if you put a group of men in a room, they'd have no trouble putting a man code together."
They certainly didn't have any trouble coming together on this one. When I wrote a column earlier this week suggesting that many San Franciscans were ready to let the mayor move on, my e-mail box filled up with men who disagreed. So did The Chronicle's voice-mail system. Most of the men who called to react to this week's scandal were upset with the mayor, while most of the women weren't.
Some of the responses were a little off-the-wall. One woman called in to say she thought Newsom campaign manager Alex Tourk, who quit over the incident, should consider it a compliment that "his wife was worth such flattering attention." But several of the women who called said we were making too much of this indiscretion. It happens, they said.
But not in the Man Code world. The reaction from men was loud and clear.
"The betrayal is the big thing," said Colin Hussey, 44, who was among those who wrote me. "Good God, this is your loyal ally. It is that sense of honor. It's like the samurai or even the mafia."
Contrast that with someone like Erika Von Taube. She was visiting from San Diego, but she spoke for many women who didn't see what the fuss was about.
"Who a politician is sleeping with is none of my business," Von Taube said Friday. "I would absolutely vote for him if he was doing a good job."
Chris Lehane, a consultant who worked for Clinton and other top Democrats, says the split isn't a total surprise. Although he stresses that gender generalizations are always dangerous, he thinks some trends do emerge.
"The reality is that men tend to be less forgiving and more ideologically conservative," Lehane says, "while women tend to be more sensitive to human foibles. We see in the poll numbers that women are more likely to come back and be supportive than men."
That's certainly what the mayor's staff is counting on. Newsom's chief political strategist, Eric Jaye, says that while there may be a great deal of reaction now, the mayoral race in November won't turn on the scandal.
"When we leap forward to November, the issues will be what they always are," Jaye says. "Are the buses running on time, and are we still filling those potholes?"
But, I asked Jaye, what about the Man Code?
"We did not consult the Man Code," he said.
Well, all right. But you've been warned.