Coping with a Break-up

white_teawhite_tea 3,262 Posts
edited August 2006 in Strut Central
Just broke up with my lady friend of three-plus years. For a variety of reasons, I thought the relationship should end. Girl, however, is still awesome. After three years, I became really attached to her despite the shortcomings of our relationship (for one, she had two kids and was sorta of a slob). My question: How do you cope with this? Since I was the one who broke it off, I'm really questioning the decision even though I think, realistically, it was the best move for me and for her (I was too much of a distraction and wasn't ready to move in/take it to the next level). But this is some pretty tough stuff. I've felt sick the past two days and am not sleeping. I feel like I should go a booze-fueled benders and bang some rebound chicks, but I've already felt myself getting attached to this other girl who ain't even really that cool. So it's a pretty tender situation; I was misting up this morning listening to 'Til Tuesday for god sakes. Not really looking for advice here, just venting.
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  • OneSoulOneSoul 206 Posts
    just try and stay busy man, spend a bit more time with friends.

    the drinking thing will usually make you feel worse in the long run.

    I hope things work out for you, it just takes time.

    -B-

  • I feel like I should go a booze-fueled benders and bang some rebound chicks,

    this and a good cry will definitely lighten the load

    but I've already felt myself getting attached to this other girl who ain't even really that cool.

    sounds like a rebound chick - my rebounder 'dumped' me a week or so ago, and I was attached to her too. But in the long run it was a good move. have fun and be honest with your lady friends.

  • DrJoelDrJoel 932 Posts
    i find in this situation the most cliche' line actually rings true. Time is the best healer. We've been there, we know what time does to the situation.

    As has already been said, keep busy.

    My roomate just broke up with his girlfriend of over nine years. They just didnt see it going anywhere else. In the past 2 or 3 weeks he's recorded 20 songs with him full on harmonies- Guitar, keys, etc. The man is nuts. Its not super depressed either and it's really interesting (for me) because they are an exact reflection of the ways he's coping. The exact stuff we talk about is in those songs.

    I can post some after work if you want.

    Anyway no hijack, just relatable. Here's to many more hours on soulstrut for you.

  • white_teawhite_tea 3,262 Posts
    Thanks for the good words. I honestly had some crazy visions last night about some nice Real World Moves achieved with the extra time on my hands. So I guess I better take advantage of that. Time definitely is the big player here. I feel like if I can make it through the first week without going to back her, then I've made it. But right now, I'm stopping myself from reaching out.

    But, yeah, post up that Todd Rundgren stuff if you get a chance.

  • dmacdmac 472 Posts
    How do you cope with this?

    I know you are not looking for advice, but here it is anyway:
    Drink, cry, spend quality time with friends. Do all the Saturday afternoon shit you've put off because your weekends were spent with her.
    And if you can afford it, find a counselor who has a non-judgmental, professional POV who can help you sort out your feelings. If you broke up with her [but you think she is still awesome], the guilt is gonna hit you like a tidal wave.

    The common belief is that it takes about half the length in time of the actual relationship to get over it completely. That's a year and a half in your case. So you're gonna need more insightful words than, "dude, you're better off."

  • noznoz 3,625 Posts


    [rey]buy yourself something nice[/rey]

  • DrJoelDrJoel 932 Posts
    Thanks for the good words. I honestly had some crazy visions last night about some nice Real World Moves achieved with the extra time on my hands. So I guess I better take advantage of that. Time definitely is the big player here. I feel like if I can make it through the first week without going to back her, then I've made it. But right now, I'm stopping myself from reaching out.

    But, yeah, post up that Todd Rundgren stuff if you get a chance.

    i'll hit it up in a couple hours when i get home. Stay up.

  • HAZBEENHAZBEEN 564 Posts
    I am by no means an expert in these matters, but I will tell you this: put said girl out of your head. You might have had some good times, but not is not the time to dwell on these things. Another thing: treat yourself well during this time. Its a rough time, you're emotional. Don't drink or anything - Take time for yourself; buy a holy grail, get some pimped out ish. If you do drink, don't do it in a loser kind of way - put on a good suit, drop a grand at a strip club on lapdances & fuck strippers in the back of your limo. I'm not kidding - life is for the living. Another thing - I don't know about your relationship with your family/parents, but make sure to spend time with them. Don't get emo & talk about your problems with your dad/mom. Go for a nice dinner, buy your mom a nice present. Lavish the people in your life who matter and who are truly irreplaceable. I have a saying: there's only 2 women who I'll ever spend money on - my mom and a hooker. Fuck everyone and everything else. If it makes you feel better, PM me & I'll send you some homemade porno vids that girls on youtube make for me. They fuck themselves with dildos & scream my name. The world is out there & the possibilities are endless...

    Peace

    h

  • GuzzoGuzzo 8,611 Posts
    My best friend recently re-broke up with his girlfriend of 3+ years. I've been the shoulder to cry on and seen all the motions. I was unlucky enough to watch him make the big "oh no I made a mistake" move in which he got back with her caused a scene and they re-broke up, now on the most horrible of terms.

    My advice through all of this for him has been to know that the kind of hurt you feel after a seperation like this is painful but a part of life, and going through it will add to your maturity, patience, and wisdom for future situations.

    there are also the immortal words of many a poet


  • Seeing that you are second guessing yourself, the best advice I can offer is to not jump back into it. Unless, of course, you really do want it.

    They call it a break up for a reason -- it's broken.

    Smashing random chicks can be fun. But it can start to feel empty. So when you get the whore out of you, make sure you're not just settling for the last thing you put you tip in.

    Because if you settle for the next relationship, you're only going to grow to resent her.

    Just do whatever you feel. That's part of the beauty of a break up. You are free. You'll know when it's time to change that.

    Just venting myself.

    Good luck.

  • DrJoelDrJoel 932 Posts
    Ok T, here are a few of the tracks. Demo type stuff that my roomate did in his little bedroom studio the week or so after his thing went down. :noemo:


    Slave Ships: http://www.sendspace.com/file/e4rofn

    Soldier:http://www.sendspace.com/file/f26t35

    Catch The Sun: http://www.sendspace.com/file/mpc1zq

    Beautiful Grey: http://www.sendspace.com/file/qr7oe

    Hope you enjoy or get something out of it or go bang a random chick or something as a result.

  • PonyPony 2,283 Posts
    bang a random chick

    I really need to do this, just had a nasty break-up too and it still sucks balls. I'm sure that would help though.


  • white_teawhite_tea 3,262 Posts
    I'll check out those tunes when I get home from work. Already, I'm looking at the dude who typed up this post like a fanny. Time to man-up, I guess. I'm just going to have to stay away from any indie rock, folk, modal jazz and soul music for a while.

  • holmesholmes 3,532 Posts
    I'll check out those tunes when I get home from work. Already, I'm looking at the dude who typed up this post like a fanny. Time to man-up, I guess. I'm just going to have to stay away from any indie rock, folk, modal jazz and soul music for a while.
    I myself have often wondered whether soul music is really that helpful after a break up. Don't worry about looking like a fanny, you're not the first to write a post like this & I can bet you won't be the last. It just takes time. Just go chill out with your bro's forget the ho's & buy stacks of vinyl. Going on a holiday can be kinda cool too.

  • hemolhemol 2,578 Posts
    A structuralist--or post-structuralist-- would say:

    The potentiality for emotion in any context is an absolute. The subjectification of emotion takes place when the self engages an emotional situation,and and the potentiality of those emotions creates a subjectivity for the self. Emotional potentiality does not change in a given situation, but its subjectification does; as happy as you are is as sad as you'll be.


    A taoist would say:

    All we do in life is dig holes; as deep the hole is that you dig, is how long it will take you to get out of it.


    It's all pretty quanitifable stuff when it comes to girls. splackin helps--so does shopping, eating, and sleeping alone. Or get a haircut.

  • holmesholmes 3,532 Posts
    A structuralist--or post-structuralist-- would say:

    The potentiality for emotion in any context is an absolute. The subjectification of emotion takes place when the self engages an emotional situation,and and the potentiality of those emotions creates a subjectivity for the self. Emotional potentiality does not change in a given situation, but its subjectification does; as happy as you are is as sad as you'll be.


    A taoist would say:

    All we do in life is dig holes; as deep the hole is that you dig, is how long it will take you to get out of it.


    It's all pretty quanitifable stuff when it comes to girls. splackin helps--so does shopping, eating, and sleeping alone. Or get a haircut.
    Dude, what the hell is "splackin"?? Also, I found getting used to sleeping alone one of the hardest things, endless sleepless nights.

  • PonyPony 2,283 Posts
    Also, I found getting used to sleeping alone one of the hardest things, endless sleepless nights.

    Read a book or cry.

  • holmesholmes 3,532 Posts
    Also, I found getting used to sleeping alone one of the hardest things, endless sleepless nights.

    Read a book or cry.
    Shit dude, where were you with the advice a year ago??

  • parsecparsec 5,087 Posts
    white tea - man I've been going through this for 5 months now, its rough and I'm still second guessing. my ex and I were together for nearly 7 years... I'd say don't do what I did, rebound relationships are the worst thing you can do probably. once another person is in the picture shit gets way complicated. I'd also say don't drink too much as tempting as it is its destructive and is a depressant. Just take care of yourself and do stuff for yourself. Cosign on what a bunch of people have already said - surround yourself with friends and family, buy yourself something nice, get back into doing what you weren't able to do enough while in the relationship, music, art or whatever. Maybe write a list of stuff you'd like to do or get down. I'd also recommend jogging and/or working out. Keep your head up man. It sounds cliche but time heals (unfortunately the time is still moving SO slow) Feel free to PM me man. ~ jeremy

  • faux_rillzfaux_rillz 14,343 Posts
    A structuralist--or post-structuralist-- would say:

    The potentiality for emotion in any context is an absolute. The subjectification of emotion takes place when the self engages an emotional situation,and and the potentiality of those emotions creates a subjectivity for the self. Emotional potentiality does not change in a given situation, but its subjectification does; as happy as you are is as sad as you'll be.


    A taoist would say:

    All we do in life is dig holes; as deep the hole is that you dig, is how long it will take you to get out of it.


    It's all pretty quanitifable stuff when it comes to girls. splackin helps--so does shopping, eating, and sleeping alone. Or get a haircut.

    Please stop

  • SoulOnIceSoulOnIce 13,027 Posts
    A structuralist--or post-structuralist-- would say:

    The potentiality for emotion in any context is an absolute. The subjectification of emotion takes place when the self engages an emotional situation,and and the potentiality of those emotions creates a subjectivity for the self. Emotional potentiality does not change in a given situation, but its subjectification does; as happy as you are is as sad as you'll be.


    A taoist would say:

    All we do in life is dig holes; as deep the hole is that you dig, is how long it will take you to get out of it.


    It's all pretty quanitifable stuff when it comes to girls. splackin helps--so does shopping, eating, and sleeping alone. Or get a haircut.

    Please stop

    What - you are not enjoying the pearls
    of wisdom from the Jacques Lacan of Soul Strut??

  • faux_rillzfaux_rillz 14,343 Posts
    A structuralist--or post-structuralist-- would say:

    The potentiality for emotion in any context is an absolute. The subjectification of emotion takes place when the self engages an emotional situation,and and the potentiality of those emotions creates a subjectivity for the self. Emotional potentiality does not change in a given situation, but its subjectification does; as happy as you are is as sad as you'll be.


    A taoist would say:

    All we do in life is dig holes; as deep the hole is that you dig, is how long it will take you to get out of it.


    It's all pretty quanitifable stuff when it comes to girls. splackin helps--so does shopping, eating, and sleeping alone. Or get a haircut.

    Please stop

    What - you are not enjoying the pearls
    of wisdom from the Jacques Lacan of Soul Strut??

    His posts are like fingernails scraping against the blackboard of my soul.

  • PonyPony 2,283 Posts
    I'd also recommend jogging and/or working out

    Co-sign I just started getting into this and it's helping me a lot, just go for a run before work (20-30 minutes) and your good. Gets your energy up, high energy = not depressed.


  • yuichiyuichi Urban sprawl 11,331 Posts
    Word, I just got dumped by my girlfriend of 4 years. The long distance thing combined with the transtion from college to work, was what caused her feelings to subside and become more self-sufficient. She realized after a year of long distance that she's completely good without me. She also wants to transfer to Japan in 2 years, but I would ideally like to stay in the states for varous reasons.

    These were only some of the things that went into consideration when she made her decision. But still somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm thinking of this grand scheme, where I could work at a global financial research company. Gain a couple years of experience in the states, and transfer to an office in Japan, and live happily ever after with her.

    This is my first major breakup, and things are close to an all-time low. But you know what, I like to think I'm doing "ok".

  • BrianBrian 7,618 Posts
    listen to ghostface

  • slushslush 691 Posts
    im in the same place right now as morocco, caught in the middle of a rebound and reforming relationship. The worst part is you know that you're doomed but you can't stand to see the person out of your life. So it turns ugly... now there 4 players involved... me and her, and our rebounds. and toronto is a small town so that shit is way more complicated than just a few passing bodies. I have to avoid whole areas now, miss out on shows, and generally just retreat.

    at first i tried to channel my energy into my music... but i thrive artistically off of happiness... when im sad my mind is just a tornado of horseshit, i can't concentrate on anything...

    i tried drinking heavily for a while. i gotta say it was kind of helping.. but im the world's worst alchoholic... id take 4 days off not thinking about it. thats not healing at all.. you gotta be focused on drinking and fucking. otherwise you're just making a half-attempt at falling apart.

    i tried finding someone who had more similar interests to me. the girl i broke up with worked for a fashion magazine and said like a lot. fuck that I figured i should meet a girl that listens to biff rose while she does dishes and studies film. The problem is I'm crazy, so what am i looking for? someone else who is crazy? yes. the answer is yes.

    and that guy who said "its broken" is right, and piecing it together with glue is not going to help. a beautiful night meeting secretly and holding eachother at the harbourfront while your eyes unfocus on the blur of lights on the ground will only provide temporary relief. the next day you're just gonna be like "what the fuck was that"

    so far the only things i found that helped are time, weed, and excercise. And time really hasnt done much yet, so Im gonna say food, weed, and biking. for real. time aint healing shit, its those awesome sandwiches that you spend 20 minutes on and toast

  • back in the day... this album here used to get me through the breaks...





  • parsecparsec 5,087 Posts
    I'll check out those tunes when I get home from work. Already, I'm looking at the dude who typed up this post like a fanny. Time to man-up, I guess. I'm just going to have to stay away from any indie rock, folk, modal jazz and soul music for a while.
    I myself have often wondered whether soul music is really that helpful after a break up.

    This is hitting close to home. I pretty much can't listen to most of my favorite music for awhile (soul and loner folk stuff) Been mostly listening to dub, jazz and hip hop.

  • SoulOnIceSoulOnIce 13,027 Posts
    dub, jazz and hip hop

    Put them together and you get jazztronica[/b]!


  • slushslush 691 Posts
    to keep it RR, i didnt cry about the whole thing until i put on ruthann friedman. I'd say it helped though. so did bridget st. john. i got a lot of love for those 2. they are/were definitely helping
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