I just looked out the window and saw this dude walking down the street in the rain. He was wearing a white bathrobe over his jeans and shirt with a white old school logo Adidas cap and sneakers. He was carrying a shopping bag in one hand and had a BIG(coffee table size) glass ashtray in the other hand that he was flicking his cigarette ashes into.
FUNNIEST THING I READ ALL WEEK!
What kind of crazy fools walk around your hood?
Our "hood" is pretty lowkey... populated by senior citizens, retired realtors, post 70s feminist new agers, veterinarians, rock drummers, and ex-college radio station music directors. The new family across the street does do a pretty good job at screaming at their kids at top volume though.
The craziest one was actually the fifty-something woman two doors down who liked reading science fiction novels, would often be lurking at the end of our driveway in the morning asking us for a ride to the liquor store (she lost her license), looked homeless, and not surprisingly smelled like urine. On the days she didn't catch us for a ride, we could see her shambling down the road to the local stripmall even if it was raining. She'd only open her door a crack if you went over to her house, but my girl said that she caught a glimpse of the inside once, and it was full of trash, dirty dishes all over the place, and cat excrement. Eventually she was taken away by family members, the house was sold, and a small construction crew took several weeks cleaning out the house, eventually filling about 2 or 3 dumpsters full of garbage when all was said and done.
No word on if she was an eBay addict and/or had a son named J*ff.
Just walked back from the store behind this dude swinging this baseball bat. He was staggering and hitting garbage cans with it. The worst part was that the sidewalk that I was on was closed in, leaving only like four feet. Dude was walking crazy slow and just swinging this bat around. I wasn't trying to pass him, nor did I want him to turn around and come at me.
Inside my building some low life fuck wrote KKK on the wall in the hallway. Im sure its some ironic prince william hipster shit, but I want absolutely none of that fucking shit in my apartment. I circled it in bright red paint pen and wrote "who the fuck are you you piece of shit?"
I gotta get outta my piece of shit neighborhood. Bushwick sucking fucks. Morgan stop L can bight my asshole.
Just walked back from the store behind this dude swinging this baseball bat. He was staggering and hitting garbage cans with it.
I forgot about the guy standing at the intersection at our local stripmall the other week. He had no shirt and was furiously yelling, pointing, threatening, and gesticulating at, well, at nobody.
There's also another dude at the same intersection who can be seen there any time of the day or night, not begging, not bothering anybody, just hanging out. Sometimes he's with a buddy or two, sometimes alone, sometimes with a bottle in a bag, sometimes emptyhanded.
It's 7am on my way to work.. there's dude sitting on the wall. It's lunchtime... hey man what's happening at the gas station. It's 10am on Sunday... yo what's up homie at the drugstore. It's 9pm on Thursday night... just chilling on the side of the road.
my hood has all kinds of fucked up people but here's a story from today. i work at a cafe right next to where i live and all of a sudden this couple sitting at a table jumps up and screams. this SUV hopped the curb and nearly ran into our window. dude drives off and my homie from the next store comes by and says dude was fighting with his girlfriend and she grabbed the wheel!!! i caught a look of the guys face when he drove by and a few minutes later, i see him walking down the sidewalk. i guess he went to grab his girl or something. suprised he didnt just leave her there.
I've been seeing this crazy dirty homeless dude in downtown Seattle lately. No joke, this guy carries around a Chucky doll with him. You know the crazy character from the Childs Play movies, shit is really disturbing. He did inspire me to change my avatar recently though haha. Someones selling the OG Chucky on ebay right now, shits going for like nearly 600 bucks last time I checked.
I used to live a few doors away down the street, next to a crackhouse. But the cops had to bust it up. At least it had kept me interested in folks outdoors. And it gave me some quick street rep when my client, an emcee from the South Side, came in to see how his album cover was coming. Right in the middle of the bust. We watched it unfold, COPS-style, from my bedroom window. It turned out that Mother was using and selling with some young kids in the house. The policemen just broke her down and she copped to everything. She and her live-in man got the handcuffs and the walk and the teary-eyed kids all in one night. It was impossible not to watch. Those same kids of hers (10-12 years old) offered to sell me pot/coke a few weeks later. And a month later, at 3:00 am on a Saturday morning, a man bolted out of her house, yelling:
"CRACK WHORE! CRACK WHORE!"
down the street. Her kids followed him for half a block. One had a junior-sized bat. Li'l' Rascals versus the John. Mother was a Puertorrique??a that had a dark half-perm/half-mullet. She had big 80s frames on her glasses that made her sunken cheeks look even more hollow, and with her pencil legs and Spandex bike shorts, she started to look like one of her ever-present cigarettes. She was wearing a Tyvek jacket the last time I saw her, and she looked cold even inside the 7-11 store. I just felt fucking fucking sorry for her and guilty for being so white and free.
I got one guy who walks down my street some days (and nights) getting in loud (and long) barking matches with every dog on my block. We all have 2 dogs. One time a drunk dude was throwing old bagels up to my balconey at 2 am becuase he wanted me to trade them for cigarettes. About 6 bagels fruitlessley bounced to the ground before i was able to get one. The other day there was a matress on fire on the side walk across the street from me. It had been there for weeks without getting picked up by trash people, so i geuss they figured if they lit it on fire the city would HAVE to haul it off. I watched for like 20 minutes as an elderly female neighbor of mine tried in vain to put the fire out. My favorite is the homeless guy we call "the bird man". Hes an old homeless guy with a long white beard who lives with 3 or 4 other homeless people under a tunnel under the 101. He points hsi finger at any pigeon, and the motherfucker gets up and flies to his finger. He makes a noise and the pigeon flies away. He then points at another pigeon and the same thing happens. Crazy.
I used to live across the street and upstairs from this Donair joint called the 'Donair Donair Cafe.', and my bedroom window was the perfect spot to spy on them, since they evidently weren't making their living by selling donairs... people would walk in, and walk right to the back, you'd have crazy twitchy people* hanging around outside for no particular reason. And then my favorite move - this guy comes walking up one street carrying a bag - when he reaches the intersection he puts the bag down on a bench, and keeps walking, while another guy comes up the other street, picks up the bag, and walks into the donair donair cafe. It was hilarious because they didn't leave any time between the two guys - literally as soon as the bag was put down the other guy picked it up - it wouldn't really have thrown off anyone following them, but you could tell that they felt like they were some CIA superagents. Eventually they just got busted too many times, and it closed.
*you ever seen anyone like that - someone who just can't stand still anymore? Is that from crack? Whatever it is, it's disturbing to watch, for sure*
Our neighborhood is on a little peninsula (you have to cross a small bridge to get in) with little or no through traffic. Neighborhood is mostly old folks and young families, so the vast majority of traffic is people taking walks and kids on bicycles. Unfortunately, a few houses on the mainland side of the bridge is a rental unit (dump) inhabited by a bunch of motorhead hillbillies. These guys all appear to be in their late 20's, and can be found screaming up and down the street on those miniature rice rocket motorcycles, doing donuts, racing around in a go-kart, or blowing off M80's. There are two cars up on blocks in their driveway. Fortunately a house full of Christian surfers (really) has moved in next door to them and has huge Christian surfer get togethers every weekend. Should be interesting.
Every morning I take a health walk of a couple miles around my neighborhood, my path usually takes me by the Wayne County detention facility next to the Cadillac assembly plant.
Yesterday I was startled to see Detroit horror-rapper King Gordy 'hitting the bricks' - a 300 pound black man with devils horns wearing a blood-red 'D12' shirt kinda sticks out no matter where you may be...
There's this guy I call the "DMX guy" because he looks vaguely like DMX- tall, body-building black man in his late 30s with similar facial features and similar fashion sense- and is always walking a black attack attack dog on a chain. Anyway, dude clearly has a mental condition along the lines of terrets, but probably with some other schitzo kind of stuff going on too. I know this because I routinely run into him on my way to catch the bus in the morning. He will be walking toward me with his fearsome-looking dog and shouting in a booming baritone all sorts of shit that is usually directed at imaginary doctors, police officers, judges, lawyers, mental institution review boards, etc. I mean, he will be a few feet in front of me, his dog looking at me as they pass, shouting at the top of his lungs "I WILL kill you! And that goes DOUBLE for that other cop...trying to enforce that BULLSHIT!" Or another favorite one: "That's right...I don't make NO mistakes! And I know I'm right...I KNOW I'm right! That's too much power! You KNOW it's real, but that's just too much power." At this point, I just calmly walk right past him, because I'm experienced enough to know he is in his own world and is not interested in bringing other people into his world, but I still get a lot of pleasure out of watching other people on the street run into him for the first time.
the ice cream man just got busted for selling weed out of his truck and cursing at the little kids. On top of all that, the song that his busted ass truck plays are all off tune x-mas songs.
Big_Chan
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Comments
FUNNIEST THING I READ ALL WEEK!
Our "hood" is pretty lowkey... populated by senior citizens, retired realtors, post 70s feminist new agers, veterinarians, rock drummers, and ex-college radio station music directors. The new family across the street does do a pretty good job at screaming at their kids at top volume though.
The craziest one was actually the fifty-something woman two doors down who liked reading science fiction novels, would often be lurking at the end of our driveway in the morning asking us for a ride to the liquor store (she lost her license), looked homeless, and not surprisingly smelled like urine. On the days she didn't catch us for a ride, we could see her shambling down the road to the local stripmall even if it was raining. She'd only open her door a crack if you went over to her house, but my girl said that she caught a glimpse of the inside once, and it was full of trash, dirty dishes all over the place, and cat excrement. Eventually she was taken away by family members, the house was sold, and a small construction crew took several weeks cleaning out the house, eventually filling about 2 or 3 dumpsters full of garbage when all was said and done.
No word on if she was an eBay addict and/or had a son named J*ff.
Inside my building some low life fuck wrote KKK on the wall in the hallway. Im sure its some ironic prince william hipster shit, but I want absolutely none of that fucking shit in my apartment. I circled it in bright red paint pen and wrote "who the fuck are you you piece of shit?"
I gotta get outta my piece of shit neighborhood. Bushwick sucking fucks. Morgan stop L can bight my asshole.
I forgot about the guy standing at the intersection at our local stripmall the other week. He had no shirt and was furiously yelling, pointing, threatening, and gesticulating at, well, at nobody.
There's also another dude at the same intersection who can be seen there any time of the day or night, not begging, not bothering anybody, just hanging out. Sometimes he's with a buddy or two, sometimes alone, sometimes with a bottle in a bag, sometimes emptyhanded.
It's 7am on my way to work.. there's dude sitting on the wall.
It's lunchtime... hey man what's happening at the gas station.
It's 10am on Sunday... yo what's up homie at the drugstore.
It's 9pm on Thursday night... just chilling on the side of the road.
Can't my man get cable or something?
I had to squab with a bitch with a big ass nose.
Well:
I used to live a few doors away down the street, next to a crackhouse. But the cops had to bust it up. At least it had kept me interested in folks outdoors. And it gave me some quick street rep when my client, an emcee from the South Side, came in to see how his album cover was coming. Right in the middle of the bust. We watched it unfold, COPS-style, from my bedroom window. It turned out that Mother was using and selling with some young kids in the house. The policemen just broke her down and she copped to everything. She and her live-in man got the handcuffs and the walk and the teary-eyed kids all in one night. It was impossible not to watch. Those same kids of hers (10-12 years old) offered to sell me pot/coke a few weeks later. And a month later, at 3:00 am on a Saturday morning, a man bolted out of her house, yelling:
"CRACK WHORE! CRACK WHORE!"
down the street. Her kids followed him for half a block. One had a junior-sized bat. Li'l' Rascals versus the John. Mother was a Puertorrique??a that had a dark half-perm/half-mullet. She had big 80s frames on her glasses that made her sunken cheeks look even more hollow, and with her pencil legs and Spandex bike shorts, she started to look like one of her ever-present cigarettes. She was wearing a Tyvek jacket the last time I saw her, and she looked cold even inside the 7-11 store. I just felt fucking fucking sorry for her and guilty for being so white and free.
I mean, jesus.
(and long) barking matches with every dog on my block. We all have 2 dogs. One time a drunk dude was throwing old bagels up to my balconey at 2 am becuase he wanted me to trade them for cigarettes. About 6 bagels fruitlessley bounced to the ground before i was able to get one. The other day there was a matress on fire on the side walk across the street from me. It had been there for weeks without getting picked up by trash people, so i geuss they figured if they lit it on fire the city would HAVE to haul it off. I watched for like 20 minutes as an elderly female neighbor of mine tried in vain to put the fire out. My favorite is the homeless guy we call "the bird man". Hes an old homeless guy with a long white beard who lives with 3 or 4 other homeless people under a tunnel under the 101. He points hsi finger at any pigeon, and the motherfucker gets up and flies to his finger. He makes a noise and the pigeon flies away. He then points at another pigeon and the same thing happens. Crazy.
*you ever seen anyone like that - someone who just can't stand still anymore? Is that from crack? Whatever it is, it's disturbing to watch, for sure*
Fortunately a house full of Christian surfers (really) has moved in next door to them and has huge Christian surfer get togethers every weekend. Should be interesting.
Yesterday I was startled to see Detroit horror-rapper King Gordy 'hitting the bricks' - a 300 pound black man with devils horns wearing a blood-red 'D12' shirt kinda sticks out no matter where you may be...
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the ice cream man just got busted for selling weed out of his truck and cursing at the little kids. On top of all that, the song that his busted ass truck plays are all off tune x-mas songs.
Vermont