NICE GUY EDDIE Okay, everybody cough up green for the little lady.
Everybody whips out a buck, and throws it on the table. Everybody, that is, except Mr. White.
NICE GUY EDDIE C'mon, throw in a buck.
MR. WHITE Uh-uh. I don't tip.
NICE GUY EDDIE Whaddaya mean you don't tip?
MR. WHITE I don't believe in it.
NICE GUY EDDIE You don't believe in tipping?
MR. PINK (laughing) I love this kid, he's a madman, this guy.
MR. BLONDE Do you have any idea what these ladies make? They make shit.
MR. WHITE Don't give me that. She don't make enough money, she can quit.
Everybody laughs.
NICE GUY EDDIE I don't even know a Jew who'd have the balls to say that. So let's get this straight. You never ever tip?
MR. WHITE I don't tip because society says I gotta. I tip when somebody deserves a tip. When somebody really puts forth an effort, they deserve a little something extra. But this tipping automatically, that shit's for the birds. As far as I'm concerned, they're just doin their job.
MR. BLUE Our girl was nice.
MR. WHITE Our girl was okay. She didn't do anything special.
MR. BLONDE What's something special, take ya in the kitchen and suck your dick?
They all laugh.
NICE GUY EDDIE I'd go over twelve percent for that.
MR. WRITE Look, I ordered coffee. Now we've been here a long fuckin time, and she's only filled my cup three times. When I order coffee, I want it filled six times.
MR. BLONDE What if she's too busy?
MR. WHITE The words "too busy" shouldn't be in a waitress's vocabulary.
NICE GUY EDDIE Excuse me, Mr. White, but the last thing you need is another cup of coffee.
They all laugh.
MR. WHITE These ladies aren't starvin to death. They make minimum wage. When I worked for minimum wage, I wasn't lucky enough to have a job that society deemed tipworthy.
NICE GUY EDDIE Ahh, now we're getting down to it. It's not just that he's a cheap bastard--
MR. ORANGE --It is that too--
NICE GUY EDDIE --It is that too. But it's also he couldn't get a waiter job. You talk like a pissed off dishwasher: "Fuck those cunts and their fucking tips."
MR. BLONDE So you don't care that they're counting on your tip to live?
Mr. White rubs two of his fingers together.
MR. WHITE Do you know what this is? It's the world's smallest violin, playing just for the waitresses.
MR. BLONDE You don't have any idea what you're talking about. These people bust their ass. This is a hard job.
MR. WHITE So's working at McDonald's, but you don't feel the need to tip them. They're servin ya food, you should tip em. But no, society says tip these guys over here, but not those guys over there. That's bullshit.
MR. ORANGE They work harder than the kids at McDonald's.
MR. WHITE Oh yeah, I don't see them cleaning fryers.
MR. BROWN These people are taxed on the tips they make. When you stiff 'em, you cost them money.
MR. BLONDE Waitressing is the number one occupation for female non-college graduates in this country. It's the one jab basically any woman can get, and make a living on. The reason is because of tips.
MR. WHITE Fuck all that.
They all laugh.
MR. WHITE Hey, I'm very sorry that the government taxes their tips. That's fucked up. But that ain't my fault. it would appear that waitresses are just one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. You show me a paper says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it. Put it to a vote, I'll vote for it. But what I won't do is play ball. And this non- college bullshit you're telling me, I got two words for that: "Learn to fuckin type." Cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent, you're in for a big fuckin surprise.
MR. ORANGE He's convinced me. Give me my dollar back.
Everybody laughs. Joe's comes back to the table.
JOE Okay ramblers, let's get to rambling. Wait a minute, who didn't throw in?
MR. ORANGE Mr. White.
JOE (to Mr. Orange) Mr. White? (to Mr. White) Why?
MR. ORANGE He don't tip.
JOE (to Mr. Orange) He don't tip? (to Mr. White) You don't tip? Why?
MR. ORANGE He don't believe in it.
JOE (to Mr. Orange) He don't believe in it? (to Mr. White) You don't believe in it?
MR. ORANGE Nope.
JOE (to Mr. Orange) Shut up! (to Mr. White) Cough up the buck, ya cheap bastard, I paid for your goddamn breakfast.
MR. WHITE Because you paid for the breakfast, I'm gonna tip. Normally I wouldn't.
JOE Whatever. Just throw in your dollar, and let's move. (to Mr. Blonde) See what I'm dealing with here. Infants. I'm fuckin dealin with infants.
The eight men get up to leave. Mr. White's waist is in the F.G. As he buttons his coat, for a second we see he's carrying a gun. They exit Uncle Bob's Pancake House, talking amongst themselves.
"For the past fifteen minutes now, you've just been droning on with names. "Toby...Toby...Toby... Toby Wong...Toby Wong...Toby Chung...fuckin Charlie Chan." I got Madonna's big dick outta my right ear, and Toby Jap I-don't- know-what, outta my left."
TOBY WONG TOBY CHUNG TOBY WONG TOBY CHUNG TOBY WONG TOBY CHUNG TOBY WONG TOBY CHUNG TOBY WONG TOBY CHUNG TOBY WONG TOBY CHUNG TOBY WONG TOBY CHUNG TOBY WONG TOBY CHUNG TOBY WONG TOBY CHUNG TOBY WONG TOBY CHUNG TOBY WONG TOBY CHUNG TOBY WONG TOBY CHUNG
Terry_Clubbup
833 Posts
Comments
NICE GUY EDDIE
Okay, everybody cough up green for
the little lady.
Everybody whips out a buck, and throws it on the table.
Everybody, that is, except Mr. White.
NICE GUY EDDIE
C'mon, throw in a buck.
MR. WHITE
Uh-uh. I don't tip.
NICE GUY EDDIE
Whaddaya mean you don't tip?
MR. WHITE
I don't believe in it.
NICE GUY EDDIE
You don't believe in tipping?
MR. PINK
(laughing)
I love this kid, he's a madman,
this guy.
MR. BLONDE
Do you have any idea what these
ladies make? They make shit.
MR. WHITE
Don't give me that. She don't
make enough money, she can quit.
Everybody laughs.
NICE GUY EDDIE
I don't even know a Jew who'd have
the balls to say that. So let's
get this straight. You never ever
tip?
MR. WHITE
I don't tip because society says I
gotta. I tip when somebody
deserves a tip. When somebody
really puts forth an effort, they
deserve a little something extra.
But this tipping automatically,
that shit's for the birds. As far
as I'm concerned, they're just
doin their job.
MR. BLUE
Our girl was nice.
MR. WHITE
Our girl was okay. She didn't do
anything special.
MR. BLONDE
What's something special, take ya
in the kitchen and suck your dick?
They all laugh.
NICE GUY EDDIE
I'd go over twelve percent for
that.
MR. WRITE
Look, I ordered coffee. Now we've
been here a long fuckin time, and
she's only filled my cup three
times. When I order coffee, I
want it filled six times.
MR. BLONDE
What if she's too busy?
MR. WHITE
The words "too busy" shouldn't be
in a waitress's vocabulary.
NICE GUY EDDIE
Excuse me, Mr. White, but the last
thing you need is another cup of
coffee.
They all laugh.
MR. WHITE
These ladies aren't starvin to
death. They make minimum wage.
When I worked for minimum wage, I
wasn't lucky enough to have a job
that society deemed tipworthy.
NICE GUY EDDIE
Ahh, now we're getting down to it.
It's not just that he's a cheap
bastard--
MR. ORANGE
--It is that too--
NICE GUY EDDIE
--It is that too. But it's also
he couldn't get a waiter job. You
talk like a pissed off dishwasher:
"Fuck those cunts and their
fucking tips."
MR. BLONDE
So you don't care that they're
counting on your tip to live?
Mr. White rubs two of his fingers together.
MR. WHITE
Do you know what this is? It's
the world's smallest violin,
playing just for the waitresses.
MR. BLONDE
You don't have any idea what
you're talking about. These
people bust their ass. This
is a hard job.
MR. WHITE
So's working at McDonald's, but
you don't feel the need to tip
them. They're servin ya food, you
should tip em. But no, society
says tip these guys over here, but
not those guys over there. That's
bullshit.
MR. ORANGE
They work harder than the kids at
McDonald's.
MR. WHITE
Oh yeah, I don't see them cleaning
fryers.
MR. BROWN
These people are taxed on the tips
they make. When you stiff 'em,
you cost them money.
MR. BLONDE
Waitressing is the number one
occupation for female non-college
graduates in this country. It's
the one jab basically any woman
can get, and make a living on.
The reason is because of tips.
MR. WHITE
Fuck all that.
They all laugh.
MR. WHITE
Hey, I'm very sorry that the
government taxes their tips.
That's fucked up. But that ain't
my fault. it would appear that
waitresses are just one of the
many groups the government fucks
in the ass on a regular basis.
You show me a paper says the
government shouldn't do that, I'll
sign it. Put it to a vote, I'll
vote for it. But what I won't do
is play ball. And this non-
college bullshit you're telling
me, I got two words for that:
"Learn to fuckin type." Cause if
you're expecting me to help out
with the rent, you're in for a big
fuckin surprise.
MR. ORANGE
He's convinced me. Give me my
dollar back.
Everybody laughs. Joe's comes back to the table.
JOE
Okay ramblers, let's get to
rambling. Wait a minute, who
didn't throw in?
MR. ORANGE
Mr. White.
JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
Mr. White?
(to Mr. White)
Why?
MR. ORANGE
He don't tip.
JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
He don't tip?
(to Mr. White)
You don't tip? Why?
MR. ORANGE
He don't believe in it.
JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
He don't believe in it?
(to Mr. White)
You don't believe in it?
MR. ORANGE
Nope.
JOE
(to Mr. Orange)
Shut up!
(to Mr. White)
Cough up the buck, ya cheap
bastard, I paid for your goddamn
breakfast.
MR. WHITE
Because you paid for the
breakfast, I'm gonna tip.
Normally I wouldn't.
JOE
Whatever. Just throw in your
dollar, and let's move.
(to Mr. Blonde)
See what I'm dealing with here.
Infants. I'm fuckin dealin with
infants.
The eight men get up to leave. Mr. White's waist is in
the F.G. As he buttons his coat, for a second we see he's
carrying a gun. They exit Uncle Bob's Pancake House,
talking amongst themselves.
I mean all the time, morning, day, night, afternoon,
dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
MR. BLUE
How many dicks was that?
MR. WHITE
A lot.
you've just been droning on with
names. "Toby...Toby...Toby...
Toby Wong...Toby Wong...Toby
Chung...fuckin Charlie Chan." I
got Madonna's big dick outta my
right ear, and Toby Jap I-don't-
know-what, outta my left."
TOBY WONG
TOBY CHUNG
TOBY WONG
TOBY CHUNG
TOBY WONG
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TOBY WONG
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TOBY WONG
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