JOKES
rootlesscosmo
12,848 Posts
Who's got'em...?
rootlesscosmo
12,848 Posts
Comments
I swear i just came up with that on the spot.
20. one to do it, nine to say "yo i coulda did that better" and ten on the guest list.
peace, stein. . .
an Italian!
Cocksucker
This guy walks in an airport bar...
He looks at the barman and say`s ``Gimme 6 shooters of GoldShlagger!
The barman asks him ``Whats the occasion?``
The guy answers `` My first blowjob!``
``Well in that case let me throw one on the house`` says the bartender
``Well if 6 shots dont take the taste out of my mouth nothing will!``
"Can you smell gas?"
The other guy says;
"Yeah, sure. G-A-P"
10, 1 to change the bulb and the other 9 to argue about the original bulb being better.
You mean you don't know?
Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?"
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I'm not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I've got that under control now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right."
Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, I have been playing for years."
And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"
He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap."
Stevie says "Well, I play off scratch."
Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks about it and says "OK, I'm up for that - when would you like to play?"
"Any night next week is ok with me."
She explains what happend and the doctor checks examines her. "All things considered, you are ok," says the doctor. "However, I do have one question for you- an elephants dick is about 6 inches across, but you are stretched out over a foot. How'd that happen?"
The girl replies, "He fingered me first."
An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window
"Pianist wanted for evening performances'"
"F*cking get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
"Get the f*cking manager of this pigs' sh*t middle class w*nkhole please
you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help
you sir?' he says. 'Yes you can, you fat piece of sh*t", says the
pianist, "I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to
audition......w*nker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his
dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.
The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me Prime Minister,
but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nt's blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another, something a little
less "lively".'
'F*cking w*nker.' interjects the pianist before launching into a
powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through
his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called
"Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell
end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece",
or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still
got nice f*cking jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist
but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the
audience.'
'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly, the crowd are lapping
up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a
gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he
decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck
he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back
to the stage and finishes his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
'Hi' she says.
'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is
hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I
f*cking wrote the c*nt!!!'
he looks down between his mums legs and asks..
'mummy,whats that between your legs??'
his mother,not expecting the question thinks quickly and replies..
'thats where daddy got mummy with an axe'
billy looks puzzled and says
'he`s a good shot,he got you right in the c*nt'