Plus consider the fact that she's picturing you alone at home on a Friday night completely dependent on her every word &/or actions & you barely know her.
I was under the impression it was more of a "I have other things going on, but I'd rather hang with you so let me know what's up so I can decide where I'm going" which doesn't seem too desperate/cloying to me. I think people are being too quick to act like dude was sweating her - he followed up on some loose plans they made, and when she didn't get back to him, he didn't keep bugging her, he let it go and poasted on the Strut instead. Now he just needs to hang in the No Contact Zone, act like it didn't matter much to him either way, and wait to see if she shows any interest.
in other news i just got back from the j cole mini show at the TLA in philly on that heinnekin tour and it was dope. highly recommended if it comes to your town.
J Cole = the new Memphis Bleek
I think the source of your problems is coming into focus
Taste in hip hop is definitely a major factor in dating.
Also, if you're still checking this thread, here's where I think everything went wrong:
smoking_robot said:
i proceed to invite her out to this thing on friday.
she's all "nah, i used to go to that a bunch, im kind of sick of it..... but, im going to x and y on friday with some folks if you wanna come?"
There is the strong possibility that she didn't know you were asking her on a date in the first place? Because if she did, she wouldn't have her buddies along for the ride. Because what if you DID tag along with "the gang" and you wound up being semi-ignored?
Well, not out-and-out overlooked - I'm sure she's nicer than that - but I'm sure you'd rather have her talking to just you and not you as part of a group. Big difference.
Maybe rather than inviting her out to some thing, you should have personalized it by saying: "would you like to go to this thing WITH ME?" I know that sounds intimidating, and she might STILL stand you up, but (a) that's the way life is, (b) she will know what you mean, and (c) it will get the potential cockblock (i.e., her buddies) out of the way.
all of these rules are kind of silly. He didn't really do anything wrong by texting back "sounds good." If she actually liked him then that response would have been fine. She just didn't like him and was just not a cool enough person to be up front about it. I doubt that she was like "maybe I like this dude, I'll test him out with my friends" and then changed her mind in the meantime. She just never liked him and was trying to be polite in how she said no. Unfortunately it wasn't really polite. A lie would've been better.
I don't see how a run-around like this could ever turn into something, so don't worry about what you did or didn't do. Although everyone may have a point in that you seemed eager, I don't think you really did anything wrong. If she was interested in the first place then your texts may have been slightly annoying and possibly off-putting at worst, but not enough to ignore you.
There are other girls out there. No need to waste your time on her. I guarantee she's not on a message board talking about you. I wouldn't take it personally either. She's just not the one for you. Like Harvey said, move on and consider this one practice.
When you find someone you really click with then you can geek out over eachother and call too much and text too much and it will actually be enjoyed by both people.
You'll have a few of those for every one that pans out, no big deal...just keep putting yourself out there.
This is my vote. In my experience it works way better than all that reverse psychology, stupid seduction secrets type nonsense. Just be yourself, say what you mean, and dont sweat it too much if she's not interested...Plenty of Fish!
This right here.
A friend and I were discussing this very subject, this past weekend.
Reverse psych has it's place in the dating game, but I never got it with this whole "romance is a dance" shite.
Yes, I know from experience that ladies love you more when they think you have other options. And I can vouch for the fact that not giving a good goddamn can get you over. I've met plenty of future girlfriends with a simple, off-the-dome "hi, I think you're cute" or something equally idiotic.
But it's when they start taking the shit too far - like not returning phone calls on time, flaking on a date, not giving me straight answers, etc. - that I start getting restless. "Let them come to you" only works half the time. If you play it TOO cool, they'll think you're not interested. That "romance dance" mess has wrecked more potential love affairs than AIDS. (Remember the Seinfeld episode with George and the camera-shop girl?)
I'm okay with the "reverse psychology" if I know we're going to get together regardless. But when it starts threatening the livelihood of the relationship, it fucks up the whole program. I've heard some men say that they counter-attack by cancelling the date before the woman has a chance to, but what good does that do? You STILL got shot in the foot, only this time you did it yourself. You're still goin' to bed alone
HarveyCanal"a distraction from my main thesis." 13,234 Posts
It's like the Art of War, man. You gotta be slightly unexpected with your techniques. Either you're approaching the woman or the woman is approaching you...but initially pure niceness is the order. That gains you a foothold and then you gotta start doing the dance a bit. I pretty much hard sell them until the bed and then I start to withdraw, letting them come back for more. That allows me to then say yay or nay depending on my mood...which is a whole lot better than acting hard up all the time with everything dependent on her mood.
It sounds like she was saying if you wanted to go, you should have just gone there and maybe you would meet up. By calling/texting her that night, it became to formal and she bailed out. Mark it up as a loss for now and move on.
My wife turned me down a few times in a similar fashion before we started dating. I'd see in her the city (philly also) and try to make plans and she'd act interested but then cancel. I later found out she was nervous - or so she told me after the fact...who knows...end of story is we got married. :dominoes:
The only thing that tells me this chick may not be interested at all is the part about her not texting you back, which just shows a lack of consideration. It's one thing for a girl to play hard-to-get, and another to just be inconsiderate/rude. For your ego's sake, go back to the restaurant as soon as possible when the girl is working - get it over with.
For your ego's sake, go back to the restaurant as soon as possible when the girl is working -
I was hoping for an alternate ending here. "cause a scene and get her fired.", "throw a plate of pasta at her." etc.
Big_Stacks"I don't worry about hittin' power, cause I don't give 'em nuttin' to hit." 4,670 Posts
pickwick33 said:
Bsides said:
HarveyCanal said:
You'll have a few of those for every one that pans out, no big deal...just keep putting yourself out there.
This is my vote. In my experience it works way better than all that reverse psychology, stupid seduction secrets type nonsense. Just be yourself, say what you mean, and dont sweat it too much if she's not interested...Plenty of Fish!
This right here.
A friend and I were discussing this very subject, this past weekend.
Reverse psych has it's place in the dating game, but I never got it with this whole "romance is a dance" shite.
Yes, I know from experience that ladies love you more when they think you have other options. And I can vouch for the fact that not giving a good goddamn can get you over. I've met plenty of future girlfriends with a simple, off-the-dome "hi, I think you're cute" or something equally idiotic.
But it's when they start taking the shit too far - like not returning phone calls on time, flaking on a date, not giving me straight answers, etc. - that I start getting restless. "Let them come to you" only works half the time. If you play it TOO cool, they'll think you're not interested. That "romance dance" mess has wrecked more potential love affairs than AIDS. (Remember the Seinfeld episode with George and the camera-shop girl?)
I'm okay with the "reverse psychology" if I know we're going to get together regardless. But when it starts threatening the livelihood of the relationship, it fucks up the whole program. I've heard some men say that they counter-attack by cancelling the date before the woman has a chance to, but what good does that do? You STILL got shot in the foot, only this time you did it yourself. You're still goin' to bed alone
Hey,
My stance is that if someone is interested in you, she/he will act like it. If someone has to put in too much effort to make a connection, the other person is obviously not interested; therefore, the "pursuer" should move on to other pastures. A single person, in my opinion, should not hang all of her/his hopes and cares on one individual, but instead, should date multiple people (at least, initially). This does NOT mean having sex or anything, just sampling the lay of the land to determine to whom she/he is most attracted. If there is a mutual attraction and connection with a particular individual, the two parties should indulge to form a deeper, meaningful relationship. All of this should evolve over time, not in an instant, as it is too soon to invest very much time and emotional effort into someone you don't know very well. Plus, you should be screening the person during dating to determine her/his character and values, as these are the foundations of a truly adaptive, lasting relationship. Thus, why care a great deal about getting blown off, potentially, by someone you don't know very well, since you're single and should have other options? This was the essence of my earlier post.
It's like the Art of War, man. You gotta be slightly unexpected with your techniques. Either you're approaching the woman or the woman is approaching you...but initially pure niceness is the order. That gains you a foothold and then you gotta start doing the dance a bit. I pretty much hard sell them until the bed and then I start to withdraw, letting them come back for more. That allows me to then say yay or nay depending on my mood...which is a whole lot better than acting hard up all the time with everything dependent on her mood.
Oh, I've done that and succeeded.
I'm talking about when they start doing what that waitress girl did to Smoking Robot...start playing games before anything has a chance to jump off.
That's why I say...for me, the whole "dance" bit only worked when I had her already and knew something was going to happen. If she keeps the date, and we're hitting it off, THEN I start getting unpredictable. But if it's something as simple as just meeting up to hang out...for the first time...THAT'S when I try not to take the approach-avoidance techniques TOO far. Somebody's gonna get the signals wrong, and another potential romance will be aborted because you waited too long to start the party.
For your ego's sake, go back to the restaurant as soon as possible when the girl is working -
I was hoping for an alternate ending here. "cause a scene and get her fired.", "throw a plate of pasta at her." etc.
OR
tell her your phones must not be working because you did not receive a text back from her. this week, to avoid telecommunications issues, you will wait for her at work until she finishes her shift.
that should go over about as smooth as those other suggestions.
The only thing that tells me this chick may not be interested at all is the part about her not texting you back, which just shows a lack of consideration. It???s one thing for a girl to play hard-to-get, and another to just be inconsiderate/rude. For your ego???s sake, go back to the restaurant as soon as possible when the girl is working - get it over with.
My stance is that if someone is interested in you, she/he will act like it. If someone has to put in too much effort to make a connection, the other person is obviously not interested; therefore, the "pursuer" should move on to other pastures.
These two statements make the most sense.
I can deal with hard-to-get. I can play it, and I can play off of it.
But the whole inconsiderate thing of not returning a message...naw, naw.
I recently had a run-in with a lady who looked promising at first...she continually texted me about getting together, and if she had to cancel, she apologized/rescheduled, which is a good sign. After date #1, I texted her regarding date #2...two or three days go by without a response, we're close to the zero hour, and I have things to do myself. I texted her back saying, respectfully, that my schedule was as busy as hers, and out of common courtesy she could let me know what is happening. She replied back that she was away from her cell phone for a couple of days (aw, PLEASE), I was being too intense and that she was no longer interested.
I should add here that I wasn't trying to tie up HER schedule, I just wanted to organize MINE. I got all sorts of blah-blah to do, and at that point the waiting game wasn't helping me any. The fact that she had been good about keeping me updated for date #1 was really galling. Why change on me now?
Think I overreacted? Or would she have dumped me anyway and chose that time to do it?
Not that I wanted her that bad, I just had no time right then to play The Game. I would have saved The Game for when we actually got together!
If you like her and want to see her again then your schedule, short of being an international jet-setter on-call neurosurgeon, can probably handle a short-notice call about a date or quick coffee from her. Especially if you are interested in her.
Correct me if I am wrong about your schedule, but the waiting game you mention has more to do with you wanting to know if she likes you nd wants to see you again, not about organizing your appointment book.
i have nothing much to add that hasn't been already said but if she works in food service (restaurant?) or retail AND she's a dime then you better believe she gets asked out by customers 4-5 times a week. on top of that there's a customer/service power inequity at the moment you two met so she has to be polite about it. sounds like she has an active social life and wouldn't mind making a new friend but doesn't exactly need another.
in a couple weeks she will have forgotten you got clutchy with the texts so if you ever bump into her by accident throw game at her again. the reverse psychology route and the hit on 50 girls in one evening to score one are both fake strategies. be yourself and move on to the next one.
Three days. And I texted her, so I didn't need an answer right that moment, but I was hoping soon. I actually had an event in mind, and it was getting close to that time, so...
If you like her and want to see her again then your schedule, short of being an international jet-setter on-call neuro-surgeon, can probably handle a short-notice call about a date or quick coffee from her. Especially if you are interested in her.
Correct me if I am wrong about your schedule, but the waiting game you mention has more to do with you wanting to know if she likes and wants to see you again, not about organizing your appointment book.
Well, I generally get the "wanting to see you again" part out of the way early, like at the end of Round One ("would you like to do this again?"). And secondly, like I said, up till then she generally didn't leave me in the dark too long with the replies. She may not have been flaking, but it could be mistaken for that.
At any rate, it looked like I was putting in a lot of "effort" for what shouldn't have taken that long. If she had some massive incident in her life, I could not tell from where I was standing.
I recently had a run-in with a lady who looked promising at first...she continually texted me about getting together, and if she had to cancel, she apologized/rescheduled, which is a good sign. After date #1, I texted her regarding date #2...two or three days go by without a response, we're close to the zero hour, and I have things to do myself. I texted her back saying, respectfully, that my schedule was as busy as hers, and out of common courtesy she could let me know what is happening. She replied back that she was away from her cell phone for a couple of days (aw, PLEASE), I was being too intense and that she was no longer interested.
stop texting. it forces you to sit around and wait for the girl to text you back. if you call a girl (and she answers), you get an instant response. if not, and you leave a voicemail, there's not going to be any ambiguity. either she calls you back and you get a vocal response, or she doesn't and you know she's not interested. texting gives girls the ability to hedge too much..and it's a bit cowardly too. it takes some balls to call.
I recently had a run-in with a lady who looked promising at first...she continually texted me about getting together, and if she had to cancel, she apologized/rescheduled, which is a good sign. After date #1, I texted her regarding date #2...two or three days go by without a response, we're close to the zero hour, and I have things to do myself. I texted her back saying, respectfully, that my schedule was as busy as hers, and out of common courtesy she could let me know what is happening. She replied back that she was away from her cell phone for a couple of days (aw, PLEASE), I was being too intense and that she was no longer interested.
stop texting. it forces you to sit around and wait for the girl to text you back. if you call a girl (and she answers), you get an instant response. if not, and you leave a voicemail, there's not going to be any ambiguity. either she calls you back and you get a vocal response, or she doesn't and you know she's not interested. texting gives girls the ability to hedge too much..and it's a bit cowardly too. it takes some balls to call.
She told me she preferred texting, so that's what I did. We'd done a lot of communicating that way, in the short time we knew each other, so I figured I might as well.
But I would have straight-up called, if it were left up to me.
I agree with Pickwick's post about reverse psych backfiring. As a woman, if a guy looks like he has too much other shit to do I'll just assume he's too busy to make me a priority.
Face it, most attempts will seem clingy or desperate if they result in failure. If you break all the rules and make a fool of yourself but still get the guy/gal, you fckng win.
Selperfuge made a good point. Women get hollared at a lot just for having vaginas, let alone being an attractive waitress. Defensiveness should be expected even if you're not being creepy.
Comments
I was under the impression it was more of a "I have other things going on, but I'd rather hang with you so let me know what's up so I can decide where I'm going" which doesn't seem too desperate/cloying to me. I think people are being too quick to act like dude was sweating her - he followed up on some loose plans they made, and when she didn't get back to him, he didn't keep bugging her, he let it go and poasted on the Strut instead. Now he just needs to hang in the No Contact Zone, act like it didn't matter much to him either way, and wait to see if she shows any interest.
Taste in hip hop is definitely a major factor in dating.
this thread is killin the other one i started about this gaspar noe flick.
appreciate teh opinions/advice/etc ya'll.
and thanks for the rap education, i'll stop istening j. cole now.
There is the strong possibility that she didn't know you were asking her on a date in the first place? Because if she did, she wouldn't have her buddies along for the ride. Because what if you DID tag along with "the gang" and you wound up being semi-ignored?
Well, not out-and-out overlooked - I'm sure she's nicer than that - but I'm sure you'd rather have her talking to just you and not you as part of a group. Big difference.
Maybe rather than inviting her out to some thing, you should have personalized it by saying: "would you like to go to this thing WITH ME?" I know that sounds intimidating, and she might STILL stand you up, but (a) that's the way life is, (b) she will know what you mean, and (c) it will get the potential cockblock (i.e., her buddies) out of the way.
accidentally posted twice!
accidentally posted thrice!
I don't see how a run-around like this could ever turn into something, so don't worry about what you did or didn't do. Although everyone may have a point in that you seemed eager, I don't think you really did anything wrong. If she was interested in the first place then your texts may have been slightly annoying and possibly off-putting at worst, but not enough to ignore you.
There are other girls out there. No need to waste your time on her. I guarantee she's not on a message board talking about you. I wouldn't take it personally either. She's just not the one for you. Like Harvey said, move on and consider this one practice.
When you find someone you really click with then you can geek out over eachother and call too much and text too much and it will actually be enjoyed by both people.
This right here.
A friend and I were discussing this very subject, this past weekend.
Reverse psych has it's place in the dating game, but I never got it with this whole "romance is a dance" shite.
Yes, I know from experience that ladies love you more when they think you have other options. And I can vouch for the fact that not giving a good goddamn can get you over. I've met plenty of future girlfriends with a simple, off-the-dome "hi, I think you're cute" or something equally idiotic.
But it's when they start taking the shit too far - like not returning phone calls on time, flaking on a date, not giving me straight answers, etc. - that I start getting restless. "Let them come to you" only works half the time. If you play it TOO cool, they'll think you're not interested. That "romance dance" mess has wrecked more potential love affairs than AIDS. (Remember the Seinfeld episode with George and the camera-shop girl?)
I'm okay with the "reverse psychology" if I know we're going to get together regardless. But when it starts threatening the livelihood of the relationship, it fucks up the whole program. I've heard some men say that they counter-attack by cancelling the date before the woman has a chance to, but what good does that do? You STILL got shot in the foot, only this time you did it yourself. You're still goin' to bed alone
Yeah, tell me abou..........................Wait. What?
The only thing that tells me this chick may not be interested at all is the part about her not texting you back, which just shows a lack of consideration. It's one thing for a girl to play hard-to-get, and another to just be inconsiderate/rude. For your ego's sake, go back to the restaurant as soon as possible when the girl is working - get it over with.
I was hoping for an alternate ending here. "cause a scene and get her fired.", "throw a plate of pasta at her." etc.
Hey,
My stance is that if someone is interested in you, she/he will act like it. If someone has to put in too much effort to make a connection, the other person is obviously not interested; therefore, the "pursuer" should move on to other pastures. A single person, in my opinion, should not hang all of her/his hopes and cares on one individual, but instead, should date multiple people (at least, initially). This does NOT mean having sex or anything, just sampling the lay of the land to determine to whom she/he is most attracted. If there is a mutual attraction and connection with a particular individual, the two parties should indulge to form a deeper, meaningful relationship. All of this should evolve over time, not in an instant, as it is too soon to invest very much time and emotional effort into someone you don't know very well. Plus, you should be screening the person during dating to determine her/his character and values, as these are the foundations of a truly adaptive, lasting relationship. Thus, why care a great deal about getting blown off, potentially, by someone you don't know very well, since you're single and should have other options? This was the essence of my earlier post.
Peace,
Big Stacks from Kakalak
Oh, I've done that and succeeded.
I'm talking about when they start doing what that waitress girl did to Smoking Robot...start playing games before anything has a chance to jump off.
That's why I say...for me, the whole "dance" bit only worked when I had her already and knew something was going to happen. If she keeps the date, and we're hitting it off, THEN I start getting unpredictable. But if it's something as simple as just meeting up to hang out...for the first time...THAT'S when I try not to take the approach-avoidance techniques TOO far. Somebody's gonna get the signals wrong, and another potential romance will be aborted because you waited too long to start the party.
OR
tell her your phones must not be working because you did not receive a text back from her. this week, to avoid telecommunications issues, you will wait for her at work until she finishes her shift.
that should go over about as smooth as those other suggestions.
These two statements make the most sense.
I can deal with hard-to-get. I can play it, and I can play off of it.
But the whole inconsiderate thing of not returning a message...naw, naw.
I recently had a run-in with a lady who looked promising at first...she continually texted me about getting together, and if she had to cancel, she apologized/rescheduled, which is a good sign. After date #1, I texted her regarding date #2...two or three days go by without a response, we're close to the zero hour, and I have things to do myself. I texted her back saying, respectfully, that my schedule was as busy as hers, and out of common courtesy she could let me know what is happening. She replied back that she was away from her cell phone for a couple of days (aw, PLEASE), I was being too intense and that she was no longer interested.
I should add here that I wasn't trying to tie up HER schedule, I just wanted to organize MINE. I got all sorts of blah-blah to do, and at that point the waiting game wasn't helping me any. The fact that she had been good about keeping me updated for date #1 was really galling. Why change on me now?
Think I overreacted? Or would she have dumped me anyway and chose that time to do it?
Not that I wanted her that bad, I just had no time right then to play The Game. I would have saved The Game for when we actually got together!
If you like her and want to see her again then your schedule, short of being an international jet-setter on-call neurosurgeon, can probably handle a short-notice call about a date or quick coffee from her. Especially if you are interested in her.
Correct me if I am wrong about your schedule, but the waiting game you mention has more to do with you wanting to know if she likes you nd wants to see you again, not about organizing your appointment book.
i have nothing much to add that hasn't been already said but if she works in food service (restaurant?) or retail AND she's a dime then you better believe she gets asked out by customers 4-5 times a week. on top of that there's a customer/service power inequity at the moment you two met so she has to be polite about it. sounds like she has an active social life and wouldn't mind making a new friend but doesn't exactly need another.
in a couple weeks she will have forgotten you got clutchy with the texts so if you ever bump into her by accident throw game at her again. the reverse psychology route and the hit on 50 girls in one evening to score one are both fake strategies. be yourself and move on to the next one.
Three days. And I texted her, so I didn't need an answer right that moment, but I was hoping soon. I actually had an event in mind, and it was getting close to that time, so...
Well, I generally get the "wanting to see you again" part out of the way early, like at the end of Round One ("would you like to do this again?"). And secondly, like I said, up till then she generally didn't leave me in the dark too long with the replies. She may not have been flaking, but it could be mistaken for that.
At any rate, it looked like I was putting in a lot of "effort" for what shouldn't have taken that long. If she had some massive incident in her life, I could not tell from where I was standing.
stop texting. it forces you to sit around and wait for the girl to text you back. if you call a girl (and she answers), you get an instant response. if not, and you leave a voicemail, there's not going to be any ambiguity. either she calls you back and you get a vocal response, or she doesn't and you know she's not interested. texting gives girls the ability to hedge too much..and it's a bit cowardly too. it takes some balls to call.
She told me she preferred texting, so that's what I did. We'd done a lot of communicating that way, in the short time we knew each other, so I figured I might as well.
But I would have straight-up called, if it were left up to me.
I do, she don't.
(short version of my last post)
Face it, most attempts will seem clingy or desperate if they result in failure. If you break all the rules and make a fool of yourself but still get the guy/gal, you fckng win.
Selperfuge made a good point. Women get hollared at a lot just for having vaginas, let alone being an attractive waitress. Defensiveness should be expected even if you're not being creepy.