Horse walks into a bar and says: I'll have a beer please............................................ neiiiiiiigh
Bartender: Why the long face?
guy on a blind dates knocks on door... kid answers... guy sez "i'm here to see Judy"... kid jerks his thumb towards the rear of the house... man goes to rear and looks out the window and sees woman being fucked by a goat... "jesus christ" goes the guy to the kid, "doesn't that bother you?"
Kiwi farmer showing an Australian around the farm:
"an thats the tree i planted with my old man when i was a kid... thats the barn i built... this is the house i grew up in... that fence that stretches into the distance, me and my old man built that fence one summer"
Aussie says: "that sheep has got its head stuck in the fence"
Kiwi: "i saw it first!" starts running as fast as he can toward the stuck sheep, unbuttoning his pants as he goes, by the time he gets to the sheep, he drops his undies and enters in one stroke.
The Aussie cant believe what he is seeing, the Kiwi is humping away, the sheep bleating. finally the kiwi is done, pulls out, turns to the Aussie and says:
"go on mate, your turn"
Aussie: "you filthy kiwi bastard, i had heard stories, but i didnt think that you actually, i mean, you really... you filthy bastard!"
Kiwi: "listen bro, everyone does it, no worries, its just you and me, no one would know"
I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow. I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to F*ck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.
Let's see Crimewatch f*cking stage a reconstruction of that.
A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. Bartender says "Can I help you?" The duck says "Yeah, you can get this guy off my ass."
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A guy is sitting in a bar with some friends. He walks up to the bar, absolutely trashed. Says to the bartender "See that glass at the other end of the bar? I got so much beer in me right now, I could fill that glass all the way from over here." Bartender says "Bullshit." Guy says "Nah, I'm serious. Hell, I'll bet you $50 I can." Bartender says "Bullshit. You ain't got the cash." Guy pulls out $50, puts it on the bar. "$50 says I can." So the bartender matches the $50. Guy gets up on the bar, whips it out, and starts pissing. Piss is getting all over the place, but nowhere even close to the glass. Finally, the guy is done pissing, gets down off the bar, and admits defeat. The bartender gladly pockets the cash, and the guy starts walking back to his table. As he's walking by, another guy says to him "Dude???did you really think you could hit that glass?" Guy says "Nah, but I bet my friends $100 the bartender would let me piss all over his bar."
Guy walks into a bar. As he's ordering a drink, he notices a foot-tall guy in the corner playing a tiny piano. So he's asks the bartender "What's up with the tiny piano player?" Bartender says "Well, when I bought the bar, it came with this magic lantern. There's a genie in it that'll grant you a wish. Guy says "That's incredible! Why would he give away a magic lantern?" Bartender says "See, the problem is, the genie is a bit hard of hearing. You can't be sure what you're going to get." Guy says "Ah. So where does the piano player fit in to all this?" Bartender says "What, did you think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"
I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:
I just accidentally reversed into your car. Quite a few people saw me do it. They think I'm leaving my name and details. Well, I'm not.
Comments
Ok, what does Speedy Gonzalez have under his carpet?
Underlay underlay underlay
har har. This probably works slightly better spoken with a British accent.
1st pube: how long you gonna stay here?
2nd pube: I'll just wait till I get pissed off.
Co-pilots, you ignorant bastard.
Because the parrots-eat-them-all (paracetmol)
GROAN.
SBIG
so bad it's good.
schitt, imagine having to explain this one...
"paracetmol... you know"
Bartender: Why the big paws?
Bartender: Why the long face?
So he gave her one.
Doug
What you call a man in a pile of leaves?
Russel
What you call a man with 50 rabbits up his arse?
Warren
etc
a stick.
guy on a blind dates knocks on door... kid answers... guy sez "i'm here to see Judy"... kid jerks his thumb towards the rear of the house... man goes to rear and looks out the window and sees woman being fucked by a goat... "jesus christ" goes the guy to the kid, "doesn't that bother you?"
"N'a'a'a'a'a'a'ah"
[color:white]'Cause jungle is massive[/color]
"an thats the tree i planted with my old man when i was a kid... thats the barn i built... this is the house i grew up in... that fence that stretches into the distance, me and my old man built that fence one summer"
Aussie says: "that sheep has got its head stuck in the fence"
Kiwi: "i saw it first!" starts running as fast as he can toward the stuck sheep, unbuttoning his pants as he goes, by the time he gets to the sheep, he drops his undies and enters in one stroke.
The Aussie cant believe what he is seeing, the Kiwi is humping away, the sheep bleating. finally the kiwi is done, pulls out, turns to the Aussie and says:
"go on mate, your turn"
Aussie: "you filthy kiwi bastard, i had heard stories, but i didnt think that you actually, i mean, you really... you filthy bastard!"
Kiwi: "listen bro, everyone does it, no worries, its just you and me, no one would know"
Aussie: "are you serious?"
Kiwi: "go on sport, when in Rome".
So the Aussie drops his pants, walks up,
and sticks his head in the fence.
Doctor says to him, "Sir, you're going to have to stop masturbating."
Guy says, "Why, Doc?"
Doctor, "Because I'm examining you!"
Well played
because the jungleismassssiiiiiiive?
??
-
I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to F*ck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.
Let's see Crimewatch f*cking stage a reconstruction of that.
----------------------------
A guy is sitting in a bar with some friends. He walks up to the bar, absolutely trashed. Says to the bartender "See that glass at the other end of the bar? I got so much beer in me right now, I could fill that glass all the way from over here." Bartender says "Bullshit." Guy says "Nah, I'm serious. Hell, I'll bet you $50 I can." Bartender says "Bullshit. You ain't got the cash." Guy pulls out $50, puts it on the bar. "$50 says I can." So the bartender matches the $50. Guy gets up on the bar, whips it out, and starts pissing. Piss is getting all over the place, but nowhere even close to the glass. Finally, the guy is done pissing, gets down off the bar, and admits defeat. The bartender gladly pockets the cash, and the guy starts walking back to his table. As he's walking by, another guy says to him "Dude???did you really think you could hit that glass?" Guy says "Nah, but I bet my friends $100 the bartender would let me piss all over his bar."
female has a higher sperm count.
-what's a blonde got in common with the bermuda triangle?
both swallowed a lot of sea/semen.
The Holocaust
Have they tried turning him off and then back on again...
I said, "Tourettes! Now F*ck off you cunt!"
I just accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.