22 Two's
james
chicago 1,863 Posts
In commemoration of the lady on the platform this morning hollering into her bedazzled cellphone that she???s already given some unnamed him ???too many chances.???1. Two awkward lyrical references to pants:- ???Like baggy slacks / I???m crazy hip-hop??? (Guru in ???Mass Appeal???)- ???In your low-riding dungarees??? (Jahiem in ???Something New???) 2. Two oblique similes:- ???Like a snowman with nipples???- ???Like sneezing with an erection???3. Two of the best things I???ve overheard in transit:- ???You can???t just fix a bubble jacket with some tape and walk around like that. I???ll tell you what the problem is: She think she Kelis.???- ???outlandish nougat???4. Two of the worst things I???ve overheard in transit:- ???Wassup, my Mengele????- ???The guy involved was a???well, I guess I???ll be ???politically correct??? and say that he was a negro???5. Two places I???ve been told (good-naturedly) by twentysomething black women that I look like I belong in:- ???one of those bars where they snap their fingers instead of clap???- ???Counting Crows???6. Two great songs with echo drums (Non-Dub Division):- ???Strawberry Fields Forever???- ???PSK (What Does It Mean)???7. Two things I would like to hear doubled-up and murdered by a skilled practitioner:- The horn stab in Odyssey???s ???Battened Ship??? (??????we all will be returning hooooome--bamp-ba-damp bamp bamp ba-damp [-that part]--Whoo!???)- The fuzzy guitar at the very top of Vitamin E???s ???Kiss Away???8. Two lasting legacies of record-dude culture:- Downtempo. Blazing and otherwise. Mostly otherwise.- Musically tainted--er, I mean, musically informed child and pet names. Daughters named Naima, sons named Miles, dogs named Rufus, goldfish named Thelonious, etc. etc.9. Two things for which I mistook the titular phrase of the then-unknown-to-me David Robinson???s ???I???m A Carpenter??? when hearing it up in the (noisy) clurb:- ???I???m a country man???- ???I look up to her???10. Two AOR sax solos and their breakbeat equivalents:- ???Baker Street??? = ???Apache???: Muscular, but dilutes its impact by appearing both at the beginning and the middle of the song.- ???Year Of The Cat??? = ???Funky Drummer???: Relatively brief, but hits hard, occurring as it does at the very climax of an excruciatingly deliberate buildup. 11. Two innocent things I can???t really say any more thanks to because people think I???m talking about f*cking (thanks a lot, rap music):- ???cutting up???- ???crushing on???12. Two great uses of lyrical/onomatopoetical synthesis:- In ???Why Do Fools Fall In Love,??? right after Frankie Lymon sings ???Why does my heart / skip a crazy beat? / For I know...???, he sings ???It. Will. Meet. De. Feat.??? so that it sounds like an accelerating heartbeat.- In ???Buck 50,??? when Redman says ???a thirty-third of my brain is off / that explains why my language off??? and slurs the last part into ???lan-kwitchoff,??? precisely as if, you know, his language is off. 13. Two great lyrical references to Chicago???s ???The Hawk??? that are not Lou Rawls???s ???Dead End Street???:- ???The Hawk can eat The Apple??? ??? Windy City (???Windy City Theme???)- ???I talk The Hawk / I flow up in this muhf*cka??? ??? Dude N??? Nem (???Watch My Feet???)14. Two ridiculous things flossed as neck jewelry in videos:- A cd on a string (Redhead Kingpin in ???Pump It Hottie???)- A hoagie-sized video camera (Large Professor in ???Actual Facts???)15. Two soul vocal bites that should be sampled by MOP:- ???He just takes what he wants??? (Eddy Giles, ???Soul Feeling???)- ???I???ve got a hammer / I???ve got a plan??? (Danny Woods, ???Working On A Building of Love???)16. Two remarkable names found in the credits for ???Little Bill???:- Fracaswell Hyman- Varnette P. Honeywood 17. Two soul singers with names tailor-made for porn:- General Johnson- Major Lance18. Two inadvertently musical names:- The former temp at my office, Sally Walkes- My daughter???s Aunt Jackie19. Two really horrible names of performers at this spoken-word ???event??? in the plaza outside of my local record store:- Matt-ness- Chilligan20. Two acts of substitution that would make for really good album sides:- Putting ???Fate??? in place of ???We Can Work it Out??? on Side 1 of Chaka Khan???s What ???Cha Gonna Do For Me. - Putting ???Song For My Father??? in place of ???Sweet Georgia Brown??? on Side 1 of Groove Holmes???s Onsaya Joy.21. Two acts of editing that would make really good Prince songs even better: - Cutting the dumb tirade from the middle of ???Lady Cab Driver???- Fading out ???If I was Your Girlfriend??? before the silly shit at the end 22. Two rappers-rapping-over-television-theme-songs that I would like to hear:- Big Daddy Kane rapping over Hawaii Five-0- Camp Lo rapping over Moonlighting Please feel free to add on.
Comments
YES. As it stands, I'm doing the fading out myself on the latter. It's all cringes and irritation if I'm too far away from the turntable and don't catch it in time
at a local food-joint i over heard these from a dude who was on date with a lady who seemed less than interested in his special brand of (non-stop) conversation.
"My friend angela thinks i confuse bagels and muffins"
" i was reading the newest issue of this comic, not that theirs anything comical about it"
Probably not. I hear it's a good one, though.
Jesus. This sounds like maybe the result of good dating advice ("Let her know that you've got female friends" "Don't be afraid to be a little self-deprecating" "Talk about cooking") implemented 1) in too-rapid succession and 2) poorly. Very, very poorly.
I don't know much about Naima Coltrane's history except that he divorced her and wrote a really nice ballad in her honor. Is there some darker legacy besides the fact that, apparently, she wasn't actually that into music?
- "I have a van." (Rockist Version)
- "I have access to equipment." (Rappist Version)
Two guys who seemed like they had a van and/or access to equipment:
- Jarobi
- Pras
His name was Mingus and he was a beta fish. My cat killed him. RIP.
exile islandPage 2.But I can't possibly add to it.
The power of syllables, James; It's more important than we, as mere humans, can ascertain. We've talked about this.
- Wal-Marts
- Wal-Mark
(Upon hearing the latter, it was all I could do to stop myself from dragging said dunderhead out into the parking lot, pointing up at the massive letters on the storefront, and asking them to point to the K.)
dude. when i lived in southern virginia, this bugged the shit outta me.
Two grown ass adults that are related to me that pronounce it "Wal-Mark":
- Mother-in-law
- Aunt on Dad's side
Genius.
Too much. I'm dyin over here.
p.s. - james, do you have a blog or somewhere that you write on a regular basis?... i could read that shit all day[/fanboy]
Oh shit! Yes! You're in the Bay, though, so wouldn't it be, like, "Wal-Morts"?
But whatchall know about "the sugars"? As in, "I went up the Wal-Mark to get my medicine for the sugars."
Anyway, two somewhat gully aspects of my neighborhood's Department of Parks and Rec-sponsored Autumn Harvest Halloween Kid's Action Squad Team Fall Festival Jumpoff for Young Youth thing this past weekend:
- DJ Clueless outside the Happy Castle (what's up, D!)--you know, one of those inflatable bouncy castle-shaped jernts, teeming with three- and four-year olds--setting it off
lovelyquestionably with FutureSexLoveSound played in its entirety.- Dude dressed as a scary clown--makeup, red dreads, glowing eyes, fangs, straightjacket, etc.--posted up by the petting zoo, supremely creeping out parents, kids, and animals alike. I can hear him with his boys afterwards: "Miniature goats was straight shook, son!"
(And thanks for the kind words, sonofsam. No, no blog or anything. I'm awfully moody.)
On a related note...
When I used to work at the post office in college, one of my coworkers listened to the Winans on her Walkman to get through the day. As she put it, "I find THE WININGS (!!!) can be really inspirational!"
But then again, I can't talk - I keep trying to fight the temptation to add an "s" to Dusty Groove. I don't know, Dusty Grooves just rolls off the tongue better.
Says the guy who likes to scratch on a Vastex mixer.