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Best Friends With Your Ex...

Skip DrinkwaterSkip Drinkwater 1,694 Posts
edited September 2007 in Strut Central
Me and my ex have been broken up for a few years now, and have since become very close friends (not that we werern't before, but it's different outside of a relationship). Just recently, we decided to open pandora's box and openly talk about our relationship's since our break-up. After finding out she's slept with such and such, and went out with such and such, I almost feel like our whole friendship is tainted at this point. Although I realize that we could never get back together based on incompatability issues, I was still bothered by hearing about her with someone else. We talk almost every day, and now I feel like continuing on as friends might not be the best idea, being that it opened up all these issues I have about hearing about her sleeping with other men. I've been with other women since, so I don't know why I have an issue with her being with other men... Now i'm in the position where I feel like I might have to dead this friendship I've had with someone I've known for 7 years, because obviously she's going to have more relationships with more people, and for some reason it's bothering me. Anyone find themselves in a similar situation? Anyone been able to balance the two (ex & friendship)?

  Comments

  • djannadjanna 1,543 Posts
    I don't think it would bother you if you didn't still have feelings for this girl. That said, it's not going to be easy to just be pals. Pals can talk about sex with other people and it's all good.
  • yuichiyuichi Urban sprawl 11,332 Posts
    What Anna said. My philosophy is all or nothing. You seem somewhat dependent on her even after the break-up, and as harsh as it may seem, you can't expect her to just be there only for you.

    I haven't talked to my ex-gf of 4 years ever since our break-up over a year ago. I think it's proved to be the best for both of us. Ofcourse, it was easy not to talk to her because she lives in Chicago and I live in Los Angeles.

    If you still care about her that much, and feel there's a future. Maybe it might be in your best interest to stop talking to her for a while, do your own thing. Let her fool around with whoever, and you won't have to hear about that shit either.
  • xyzlenexyzlene 37 Posts
    my 2 year ended approximately 3 months ago... I'm just taking it slow. I - personally would dead the situation. Just chill with the ladies. dinner, movies, museum's etc... whatever works.. keep it friendly... seems like you need time to heal... getting laid ain't going to cure it... As far as my ex - i have not spoke to her since.. would hurt too much. There are always reasons why relationships end. I've found the second run about usually burns out, and lacks the emotion you have once shared..


    that's how i'm handling things currently.
  • jaymackjaymack 5,199 Posts
    EMO STRUT.

    I can't wait for record day.
  • CahootsCahoots 378 Posts
    -
  • Skip DrinkwaterSkip Drinkwater 1,694 Posts
    I don't think it would bother you if you didn't still have feelings for this girl. That said, it's not going to be easy to just be pals. Pals can talk about sex with other people and it's all good.
    I still have feelings for her, but not in a relationshipy way, if that makes sense. It's to the point where I know there isn't a chance of us getting back together, and I'm content with that. But after all these years of knowing someone, it's real difficult to just cut her out after being such close friends.
  • GropeGrope 2,970 Posts
    Pals can talk about sex with other people and it's all good.

    not really
  • GropeGrope 2,970 Posts
    i think telling any other people about the sex you had/have is like posting on soulstrut. it ends up being all braggy and causes ass hurtness throughout.
  • xyzlenexyzlene 37 Posts
    Breaking up with her was the hardest thing to do because there was so much that I loved about her (and still do), but I came to the realisation that it would never work in the long run and that we were kind of wasting our time. As hard as it may be, the best way to move on is to just cut them out of your life.

    Same exact scenario. If I came home one night, and some dude was on the couch, the break would have been much easier. Different aspirations in life pertaining to a relationship sometimes makes it a final cut. Ending all conversation is the way to go.


  • Otis_FunkmeyerOtis_Funkmeyer 1,321 Posts
    I've been good friends with my ex for 7 years. We talk about our relationships with no problem, but we don't actually talk about sex. There's no need for that.
  • mannybolonemannybolone Los Angeles, CA 15,025 Posts
    Personally, I've been able to maintain friendships with most my exes (including talking to them about their later relationships) save for my last girlfriend but our persona non gratis status was her decision, not mine. She's married, with a kid now and personally, I would have been happy to have stayed in her life but it wasn't my decision to dead that option.


    Others have noted this already but dude, it sounds like you clearly have feelings for her still. It may not be, "I want to get back with you," but the fact that you can't deal with her having other relationships - AFTER HAVING BEEN "BROKEN UP FOR A FEW YEARS NOW" - is a big, Times Square sign that, "you're not ready to really 'be friends'". If we're talking, say, four months ago, that's one thing but several years? Clearly, there are some deeper issues.

    That might be something unique to your relationship or something unique to you, as a person, but either way, if you are having a tough time with it, then it'd be better to just tell her the truth and step. That way, at least you'd be leaving things on a better note than feeling bothered/tortured but not speaking about it openly to the point where the friendship really withers on the vine and a lot of bad feelings only remain.

    Just so we're clear: I think it's perfectly reasonable that you're having a tough time accepting her personal life. It's not like you're lacking for that; a lot of folks would have trouble with that. But if that's the case, then you have to be honest with yourself about it and do what it takes to put yourself in a better place. It might just be you need more time.


    Me and my ex have been broken up for a few years now, and have since become very close friends (not that we werern't before, but it's different outside of a relationship). Just recently, we decided to open pandora's box and openly talk about our relationship's since our break-up. After finding out she's slept with such and such, and went out with such and such, I almost feel like our whole friendship is tainted at this point. Although I realize that we could never get back together based on incompatability issues, I was still bothered by hearing about her with someone else.

    We talk almost every day, and now I feel like continuing on as friends might not be the best idea, being that it opened up all these issues I have about hearing about her sleeping with other men. I've been with other women since, so I don't know why I have an issue with her being with other men... Now i'm in the position where I feel like I might have to dead this friendship I've had with someone I've known for 7 years, because obviously she's going to have more relationships with more people, and for some reason it's bothering me. Anyone find themselves in a similar situation? Anyone been able to balance the two (ex & friendship)?
  • Hotsauce84Hotsauce84 8,450 Posts
    I'm on good terms with damn near every woman I've ever been with, the exception being the ones that got lost over time. I'm not talking strictly committed relationships either. If we've fucked, then we still hug when we see each other.

    Granted, it took a while to get to that point with the ones I was deeply in love with, but still...Why burn bridges?
  • djsheepdjsheep 3,620 Posts
    yeah people is right, the only reason you would feel anything ill towards being in that situation is if you still harbour feelings towards her, maybe some more time apart and moving on with someone else is the best solution, when you both have settled down, probably more importantly you, and are in a stable relationship, then ya'll could be friends again??? just my 2cents.

    b
  • Skip DrinkwaterSkip Drinkwater 1,694 Posts
    Thanks for the input, y'all...
  • iron_monkeyiron_monkey 985 Posts
    Once that shit is over, it's OVER... I don't wanna talk to you, be friends... none of that fakin the funk nonsense. Once you have sex with someone, you are no longer friends. Once you break it off, peace, have a nice rest of your life. Period.
  • sabadabadasabadabada 5,966 Posts
    you should stay friends with your Xs if you didn't have a messy break-up. she could turn out to be a billionaire one day.
  • bassiebassie 11,710 Posts
    I'm on good terms with damn near every man I've ever been with, the exception being the ones that got lost over time. I'm not talking strictly committed relationships either. If we've fucked, then we still hug when we see each other.

    Granted, it took a while to get to that point with the ones I was deeply in love with, but still...Why burn bridges?

    Yes.
    And why throw a relationship away just because it has changed? I understand in some situations, folks can't have a healthy friendship, but otherwise...
  • mannybolonemannybolone Los Angeles, CA 15,025 Posts
    Once that shit is over, it's OVER... I don't wanna talk to you, be friends... none of that fakin the funk nonsense. Once you have sex with someone, you are no longer friends. Once you break it off, peace, have a nice rest of your life. Period.

  • DJ_EnkiDJ_Enki 6,473 Posts
    i think telling any other people about the sex you had/have is like posting on soulstrut. it ends up being all braggy and causes ass hurtness throughout.



    I am very good friends with my last ex. In fact, she's one of my best friends in the world on some inner circle/second family type shit. But then again, we didn't break up over anything bad, we only broke up because she moved away. The whole dating aspect of our realtionship is over, but while we were dating, she became a great friend in addition to being my girlfriend. So, she's not my girlfriend anymore, but the friendship aspect is still in full effect. I still talk to her all the time, and I'm very happy for that.
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