Friday letters to things and people
DJ_Enki
6,473 Posts
Dear Bake Sale Betty's--OK, I've been big-upping your brownies, cookies, pie slices, and various baked goods for a while. But that fried chicken sandwich? Holy fuck. The only way it could be better is if you somehow figured out a way to work bacon into the mix. You've done it again, you magnificent bastards!Hungrily,PeteDear dreams--I'm fine with you being strange and all that, but lately, you've been literal to the point that you're just plain boring. What the hell?Curiously, PeteDear elliptical--Haven't seen you in over a week. It's my own fault. But don't worry, I still love you, and I will soon head your way and get back in the swing of things. Really.Guiltily,PeteDear Bay-Guardian--What's up with this running the crossword puzzle once a month shit? Every week, people! Get back on the ball!Puzzled,PeteDear E***n in HR--I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. You have an absolutely breathtaking heiny. I mean, that thing is good. I wanna be friends with it.Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I...I wanna be on you. 
,PetePS: Yeah, I see that big ol' rock on your finger. Don't mean nuthin'.
,PetePS: Yeah, I see that big ol' rock on your finger. Don't mean nuthin'.
Comments
How do you know if you are gay or straight? I was walking to get lunch this afternoon and saw, for the first time, a flamboyantly gay blind guy with a cane. He was talking to some other gay dude who was helping him cross the street. Is it possible this guy was born blind and just prefers the touch and smell of another man?
This is a serious question.
How I hate thee... amazing how things can change in a year. Oh yeah, thanks for pulling me from an all expenses paid trip to Madrid on 2 weeks notice. Don't worry, it's not like I had my life planned around it or anything. It's cool, though... I haven't done any work in months and don't plan to anytime soon.
Regretfully,
The last cool person you haven't laid off
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Dear Potential New Company,
Please hire me... I know I'm young, but I'm good. Oh yeah, you have to pay me a lot and I don't like to work long hours. Deal?
Sincerely,
Director of Developer Marketing
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Dear Brasil,
I swear I'm coming... please be patient and hold some records for me. Lemme just figure out my job and living situation and I'm there. Tell the beautiful women I'm thinking about them and I'll be there soon.
Obrigado,
Ivan (pronounced Eevon)
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Dear S***h,
Wow... you're back in town. I can't believe it's been 5 years. A lot's changed so I hope we're not still in "friend zone". Prepare to be surprised tonight by my new confident self. I've taken you down from the pedestal you were on in college so you have nothing to fear.
With Love,
Ives
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Dear Ivan 2.0,
Play it cool tonight with S***h... remember what got you into "friend zone" in the first place. Don't let that happen all over again.
Regards,
Ivan 1.0
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Dear Bay Area Soulstrutters,
I'm gonna throw you a massive party so PM me your fucking email addresses so I can send you an evite.
Word,
DJ Ferrari
Just hurdles Pete... and who are you?
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.
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Edwin Moses
you are so tasty and worderful that my mouth waters just thinking about our date coming up later tonight. while the punk girl that will flirt with me while handing you to me is adorable, i cannot wait to get you home to the couch and ravish you! you may be offended by my long island breath, you may be tired of simpsons reruns at 3:30am. you may be tired of me in general, but i will always, ALWAYS, love you. YOU fish tacos! corn tortillas - soft, with a bowl of salsa makes my belly happy. i love you fish tacos, will you be mine forever?
with all the love of a trencherman,
big dj otto
p.s. don't be jealous when i flirt back with cute punk girl, you know i only see her to get to you
You are the coolest hat ever. I love you.
Dear amazon.com
why are you so goddam slow? you slow down my computer like a mofo and your pages take forever to load. i hate you.
Dear RayBan Tortoise Wayfarers:
You look cool on my face and block the sun very well.
I can't thank either of you enough for showing me the way and dropping knowledge on all things record and music related. You never had to help me out when I was pretty naive and over-enthusiastic (probably still am), but it will always mean a lot. You are both ridiculously ill DJs and deserve much more notoriety than you get. Keep on truckin'.
Much respect,
Brendan
Dear Roland VP-9000,
You are a joke. I don't know why I bought you in the first place. You have the worst UI of any piece of technology, ever. At least you came with a SCSI hard drive I can use with my MPC. That thing is two decades old and can still kick your teeth in. In technology age, that's like an old grandpa stomping a college student. Time to sell you on Craigslist.
-Brendan
Dear S**ja,
It's been a year since you took off for Washington, and you're still the apple of my eye, even if we're going in different directions. I have to try not to compare other girls to you, because they just don't stand a chance. Moving on is harder than I thought.
-Brendan
Dear UC Santa Cruz,
Enough with your damn permission codes. I know I'm qualified for Portugese 60A, douchetards, so just let me enroll already. Enough with your placement tests and forms. This quarter is going to be a mess with the obscene number of freshmen you admitted. Cockmongers.
-Brendan
Why must you insist on selling those records with mold on the inside jacket? Why try to pass warped records off as being VG+++? Why are the scuffed up records always priced $ 10 or more? Why when someone buys one record from your store you immediately piss them off? why is it when someone buys 20 or more records , they're appreciated more? Money is money. Be thankful people spend in your store!! Why is it when the record shows come around, you don't bring out the real rare shit you are gripping? Why only cash at your shop? We live in a credit/debit card society!
from Mr.ALI
i am going to unearth all of your gems, jewels, rubys, pearls, and other records that i will enjoy listening to as soon as they exchange from your hands to mine.
-Seth
Dear sentence structure,
What is going on these days?
-Sefk
Dear Ortiz middle school,
Where is my paycheck, this is bullsnot.
Dear pablo and theory9,
are you guys rolling to the above mentioned record show this sunday?
carpool?
aight then.
-Seth
You are crazy, but you make me laugh.
"Suppository Writing" indeed.
-Ms. K
I love you so much, you have opened my creativeness and have allowed me to meet wonderful people... Please don't break my heart!
-M
Dear my Lady,
I hope you get some rest and calm the fuck down. Your stress is starting to become my stress. Please learn the ways of the jedi.. we must remain calm.
love,
M
Dear Friends,
I will be meeting up with you soon.. save me a beer!
-M
Here are my Friday letters:
1. Dear New Jersey drivers,
Y'all are on some other shit! You guys need to calm the fuck down, stop following so damn close, chill on the white-knuckle drivin', so that we ALL can ARRIVE ALIVE! Psychosomatic illness is some real-ass shit, so ease back!!!
Sincerely,
Big Stacks from Kakalak
2. Dear Rutgers,
Joining your faculty was a great move, both professionally and personally. I enjoy being with such talented and well-meaning colleagues, and living in a place with such beautiful diversity. It's nice living in a place where ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE have jobs and are productive citizens.
Sincerely,
P*****k
3. Dear Terri (the pooch),
I've enjoyed the long walks we've been taking during the last month. I apologize for getting away from our walks during the move from Milwaukee. I love how you push the pace of our walk so that I get a brisk workout. You are my "Pooch-Diddy," and I love hanging out with you in the morning before I go to work. You are great friend and I love you!!!
Sincerely,
Daddy
4. Dear Apartment Complex,
I can't stand living in you. I think your old, sucky, and overpriced given the quality . You're lucky you were one of few places that took pets and had pretty decent-sized living space. I can't wait to say "FUCK YOU" when we leave you to move into our house.
Sincerely,
Big Stacks from Kakalak
5. Dear Fruits,
I thank you for keeping my "cutting back" on food on-course. You have been a great tasting and healthy snack, since you provide anti-oxidants that prevent some forms of cancer. I have especially enjoyed you peaches, plums, grapes, and green apples.
Sincerely,
Big Stacks from Kakalak
6. Dear Cigarettes,
I have overcome your asses, fuckers!!! I haven't smoked one of you in a month and I'm not turning back. You underestimated the discipline and will-power of the one Big Stacks. Fuck you muthafuckas and the death and misery that you bring.
Sincerely,
Big Stacks from Kakalak
7. Dear Neighbors Downstairs,
Why do ya'll make so much muthafuckin' noise? What kind of parents are you to let your children run around stomping at 10-11 at night? If y'all don't chill, I'm gonna call the landlords or the cops on you!!!
Sincerely,
Big Stacks from Kakalak
8. Dear Kristine Johnson,
Damn, you're fine. I tune into Channel 2 News (NY) at 5PM just to see your fine ass.
Hey, give a shout to Maurice DuBois for my wife, since she finds him handsome.
Sincerely,
Big Stacks from Kakalak
Peace,
Big Stacks from Kakalak