I used to have a girl room mate in my last house. I got home and she was already in her room with all the lights out in the house. I went to my own room and shut the door. About 10 minutes later I hear some noises from the living room, but I figure it's just the cat. Cats are like the opposite of guard dogs. Every time you hear noises, you figure it's just cats, even when it's something else. A few minutes after that, I hear a muffled scream from the next room. I call out and ask if everything is ok. No response. I go in to her room and turn the lights on, and there is a fully clothed dude in bed with her, and she is shaking and can't speak. I figure she brought someone home with her, so I ask if she knows the guy. She shakes her head no. I tell homeboy to get the fuck up. He proceeds to tell me that everything is ok, and that this is his girlfriend. I explain to him that this is not his girlfriend and he needs to step out. He maintains his story. It actually seems like the guy is just fucked out of his mind and lost. I escort him outside and run back in to get my cell phone. Upon return, he's gone. I call the cops. While I'm talking to them, he comes back and opens his car that he parked right in front of our house. He asks what I'm doing, and I tell him that I'm talking to friends while I'm actually reading off his license plate to the cops.
They were waiting for him at his house when he got home. We had to go ID him. He had prior convictions of the same nature and went to jail for a couple years.
Here's the creepy part: He told the cops that he had been outside of the house watching her through the windows for a few hours before coming inside. He described exactly what she watched on TV, what she was wearing, what she changed into and when she did it. There were fingerprints all over the window sills. He explained it all to them like there was nothing wrong. He said that he got off work and came to our neighborhood to get high. He saw her through the window from the street, dancing while washing dishes, and kept watching her. He still maintained that it was his girlfreind. Turned out he was a used car dealer with a serious meth problem.
one night i when i was about 14 i was staying at a homie's house sleeping on the living room floor. at about 1am we hear the door rattling and figure its the cat trying to get us to let him in. my man gets up and opens the door and some older dude, blasted out of his mind, walks right in, steps over me and parks it right on the couch! the step father comes downstairs and convinced the gentleman to leave with a series of demands ending in the word "sport." come on, sport. its time to go, sport. we thought "sport" was hilarious.
also when i was about 22 i lived in a house with some friends and a couple of their girlfriends. at about 3am one morning we hear some banging around and swearing coming from one of the upstairs rooms down the hall. finally it died down and in the morning my man tells us that his cat, who jumps on a series of things to get in and out of his bedroom window, had brought in a live rat for his owner's pleasure! the banging and swearing was him trying to trap the rat in a pillow case. imagine waking up to your cat delivering the gift of a live rat to your chest in the middle of the night while your sleeping with your lady. what fun!
My wife, a couple of friends and I were staying about an hour outside of Freetown at this beach house we had rented out. One night we were sitting on the terrace, drinking beer as usual. I went inside to get another bunch of cold ones from the fridge when something stings my foot. There was this straw mat behind the door and I figured I had just caught one of the straws. I couldn't really see anything because the lights were out in order to not have mosquitoes come inside. I continued to the fridge, took the beers and went back outside. After a few minutes, I had to go back for more beer and right when I stepped inside the house something really bit me. I scream "motherfucker!!!", look down at my foot and see something large and black hanging from my smallest left toe. I kick once and the thing is still there, I kick again with a little more force and the black thing careens right through the living room, hitting the wall with a dry thump. I went for the light switch and looked at my foot, I had two small puncture wounds in my toe, it was bleeding a bit bit but not too much actually, it didn't hurt much either but I was still grossed out by having been bit by a damn beetle. I straight went for the camera. That's one aggressive looking piece of shit, right? Look at those damn jaws!
also when i was about 22 i lived in a house with some friends and a couple of their girlfriends. at about 3am one morning we hear some banging around and swearing coming from one of the upstairs rooms down the hall. finally it died down and in the morning my man tells us that his cat, who jumps on a series of things to get in and out of his bedroom window, had brought in a live rat for his owner's pleasure! the banging and swearing was him trying to trap the rat in a pillow case. imagine waking up to your cat delivering the gift of a live rat to your chest in the middle of the night while your sleeping with your lady. what fun!
Is there a more useless or disgusting animal to have in your home? I live with my girl, who owns a cat and won't give the fucker up. Drives me insane to the point where I actually have dreams of killing the furry little bastard. Throwing up everywhere, scratching shit up, pissing in corners. Sneaking in rooms. I understand that's their nature but who the fuck would wanna deal with that shit? They can be cute at times, but not THAT cute. A total pain in the ass. What's the upside to owning cats?
also when i was about 22 i lived in a house with some friends and a couple of their girlfriends. at about 3am one morning we hear some banging around and swearing coming from one of the upstairs rooms down the hall. finally it died down and in the morning my man tells us that his cat, who jumps on a series of things to get in and out of his bedroom window, had brought in a live rat for his owner's pleasure! the banging and swearing was him trying to trap the rat in a pillow case. imagine waking up to your cat delivering the gift of a live rat to your chest in the middle of the night while your sleeping with your lady. what fun!
Is there a more useless or disgusting animal to have in your home? I live with my girl, who owns a cat and won't give the fucker up. Drives me insane to the point where I actually have dreams of killing the furry little bastard. Throwing up everywhere, scratching shit up, pissing in corners. Sneaking in rooms. I understand that's their nature but who the fuck would wanna deal with that shit? They can be cute at times, but not THAT cute. A total pain in the ass. What's the upside to owning cats?
I've always had dogs. Now THAT's a pet.
some cats are cool. some arent. ive met my fair share of dogs and cats that annoyed the shit out of me.
also when i was about 22 i lived in a house with some friends and a couple of their girlfriends. at about 3am one morning we hear some banging around and swearing coming from one of the upstairs rooms down the hall. finally it died down and in the morning my man tells us that his cat, who jumps on a series of things to get in and out of his bedroom window, had brought in a live rat for his owner's pleasure! the banging and swearing was him trying to trap the rat in a pillow case. imagine waking up to your cat delivering the gift of a live rat to your chest in the middle of the night while your sleeping with your lady. what fun!
Is there a more useless or disgusting animal to have in your home? I live with my girl, who owns a cat and won't give the fucker up. Drives me insane to the point where I actually have dreams of killing the furry little bastard. Throwing up everywhere, scratching shit up, pissing in corners. Sneaking in rooms. I understand that's their nature but who the fuck would wanna deal with that shit? They can be cute at times, but not THAT cute. A total pain in the ass. What's the upside to owning cats?
also when i was about 22 i lived in a house with some friends and a couple of their girlfriends. at about 3am one morning we hear some banging around and swearing coming from one of the upstairs rooms down the hall. finally it died down and in the morning my man tells us that his cat, who jumps on a series of things to get in and out of his bedroom window, had brought in a live rat for his owner's pleasure! the banging and swearing was him trying to trap the rat in a pillow case. imagine waking up to your cat delivering the gift of a live rat to your chest in the middle of the night while your sleeping with your lady. what fun!
One of my exgirl's cats used to bring in dead pigeons and hide them under her bed. We would see the cat hunt pidgeons in her backyard but never bring them in. The cat was kind of cruel in that it would pounce then let go, then pounce again if the bird moved, and so forth until the bird finally died. We never noticed them until one day we walked in her room and it smelled gross, we looked around and there was a pile of feathers and blood under her bed right by the headboard. Cleaning it up was the worst thing ever. A few days later we actually saw the cat bringing in a dead pidgeon and hauling into his spot under the bed. The ex freaked and tried to take it out from under the bed, but the cat got really angry and scratched her up. Cat was never let indoors after that, and we always hoped a gang of pidgeons would come and seek revenge.
Iron Monkey, entice the cat into your car, drive for an hour or two and leave the cat in the woods, problem solved!
also when i was about 22 i lived in a house with some friends and a couple of their girlfriends. at about 3am one morning we hear some banging around and swearing coming from one of the upstairs rooms down the hall. finally it died down and in the morning my man tells us that his cat, who jumps on a series of things to get in and out of his bedroom window, had brought in a live rat for his owner's pleasure! the banging and swearing was him trying to trap the rat in a pillow case. imagine waking up to your cat delivering the gift of a live rat to your chest in the middle of the night while your sleeping with your lady. what fun!
One of my exgirl's cats used to bring in dead pigeons and hide them under her bed. We would see the cat hunt pidgeons in her backyard but never bring them in. The cat was kind of cruel in that it would pounce then let go, then pounce again if the bird moved, and so forth until the bird finally died. We never noticed them until one day we walked in her room and it smelled gross, we looked around and there was a pile of feathers and blood under her bed right by the headboard. Cleaning it up was the worst thing ever. A few days later we actually saw the cat bringing in a dead pidgeon and hauling into his spot under the bed. The ex freaked and tried to take it out from under the bed, but the cat got really angry and scratched her up. Cat was never let indoors after that, and we always hoped a gang of pidgeons would come and seek revenge.
Iron Monkey, entice the cat into your car, drive for an hour or two and leave the cat in the woods, problem solved!
Not so easy. It's an indoor cat and if anything ever happened to it, my girlfriend would kill me in my sleep. I'm a tortured man.
My godparents have a place in the mountains outside Aspen. One morning my godfather heard some noise around 6am from downstairs and wondered down to see why his guests were being so damn noisy. Turns out someone had left a window open and a black bear decided to raid the kitchen pantry. My godfather, not being of solid mind at such an hour (or sometimes thought in general) opened up the door and started making a bunch of noise. He then ran back upstairs and the bear slowly walked out the front door. My godmother was insulted the bear didn't care to try her banana bread and besides the giant crap it took on the kitchen floor, all was fine.
also when i was about 22 i lived in a house with some friends and a couple of their girlfriends. at about 3am one morning we hear some banging around and swearing coming from one of the upstairs rooms down the hall. finally it died down and in the morning my man tells us that his cat, who jumps on a series of things to get in and out of his bedroom window, had brought in a live rat for his owner's pleasure! the banging and swearing was him trying to trap the rat in a pillow case. imagine waking up to your cat delivering the gift of a live rat to your chest in the middle of the night while your sleeping with your lady. what fun!
Is there a more useless or disgusting animal to have in your home? I live with my girl, who owns a cat and won't give the fucker up. Drives me insane to the point where I actually have dreams of killing the furry little bastard. Throwing up everywhere, scratching shit up, pissing in corners. Sneaking in rooms. I understand that's their nature but who the fuck would wanna deal with that shit? They can be cute at times, but not THAT cute. A total pain in the ass. What's the upside to owning cats?
I've always had dogs. Now THAT's a pet.
some cats are cool. some arent. ive met my fair share of dogs and cats that annoyed the shit out of me.
Yappy dogs and dogs that will not stop jumping on you fucking suck.
The real problem with finding one scorpion is that they commonly travel in pairs. After you kill one, you won't sleep right for a couple days wondering where the other one went.
dude...let me say this:
i have fallen asleep with scorpians sittting idle above my head on the ceiling. i used to try and stay awake but active days in the village in the mountains in greece make you tired. so i really have gone to sleep multiple times with scorpians on the ceiling above me and i wake up and they're not there. my older fam seemed to think it was normal...?
HAHA...
When I was a kid we used to catch scorpions with our barehands and cut the tails off back in Greece. It was like there was nothin to it... Now I look back and I'm like...wtf was I thinking...haha..
rule indeed! while my cat is definately a real shit some of the time, he's stillthe shit most of the time.
You're entitled to your opinion but I think cats are a fucking nuisance and really not worth keeping as pets. Yappy, jumpy dogs are a fucking pain in the ass too. A cool dog that hangs out, plays fetch and helps guard your house is an infinitely better way to go than some mewling furball that shits in a box in your house.
rule indeed! while my cat is definately a real shit some of the time, he's stillthe shit most of the time.
You're entitled to your opinion but I think cats are a fucking nuisance and really not worth keeping as pets. Yappy, jumpy dogs are a fucking pain in the ass too. A cool dog that hangs out, plays fetch and helps guard your house is an infinitely better way to go than some mewling furball that shits in a box in your house.
rule indeed! while my cat is definately a real shit some of the time, he's stillthe shit most of the time.
You're entitled to your opinion but I think cats are a fucking nuisance and really not worth keeping as pets. Yappy, jumpy dogs are a fucking pain in the ass too. A cool dog that hangs out, plays fetch and helps guard your house is an infinitely better way to go than some mewling furball that shits in a box in your house.
I hope your girl's cat bites your nuts.
I do too... to justify wringing the little fucker's neck
We get huge millipids here sometimes and those things are pretty nasty looking.
the one time though a few years ago I was up in the studio working and my roommate was downstairs watching tv. I went downstairs to grab a beer and this weird looking crazy chick was stumbling through the living room. I was like whatever and thought it was one of my roommates friends. 5 minutes later he comes running upstairs to the studio and was like "WHO THE FUCK IS SITTING ON OUR COUCH???" Im like "I dunno man i thought she was with you". Hes like "FUCK NO! SHE CAME IN AD STARTED PULLING OFF HER PANTS AND SHIT! CALLING ME RICKY!" I go downstairs and this chick is passed out drunk on the couch. I snatched up her purse and found her cellphone and called "home". This whole hillbilly family came by like an hour later and picked her up and said this happens liek once a week. I guess she was so trashed she stumbled into the wrong house trying to fuck some dude she was having an affair with.
2. If you???ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.
3. When questioned by a buddy???s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out ???BULLSHIT!??? (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
8. Complaining about the brand of free beverages in a buddy???s refrigerator is forbidden. But you may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered ???lucky??? are not applicable in this case.
10. Agreeing to distract the skanky friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
12. Before dating a buddy???s ex you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it. He is however allowed to say, ???man, you???re gonna love the way she licks your balls???.
13. Women who claim they ???love to watch sports??? must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man???s zipper is down, that???s his problem - You didn???t see nothin???.
15. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a best friend???s birthday is strictly optional, and slightly gay. 16. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend???s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire, and threw it into a ceiling fan.[/b]
17. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddy???s girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal???s boyfriends - Low level sports bonding is all the law requires.
18. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, never appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
19. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who is playing.
20. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her ugly, whiny friend up with your pal, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
21. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.
22. Unless you???re in prison, never fight naked.
23. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think ???What this guy needs is a good ass whuppin???, then you may sit back and enjoy.
24. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
25. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favour of better athletes - as long as you don???t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.
26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
28. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: ???Yeah, baby, push it!??? ???C???mon, give me one more! Harder!??? ???Another set and we can hit the showers??? ???Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius????
29. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That???s just mean.
30. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you???re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod will do just fine.
31. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her.
32. You can not rat out a friend who show???s up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.
33. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chances of getting any either.
34. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a ???Fuck off!??? then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.
35. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly ???just a friend???, go at it, the fact that you???re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.
36. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait.
37. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.
38. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.
39. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.
40. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry: When a heroic dog dies to save his master. After being struck in the testicles with anything moving faster than 7 mph. When your date is using her teeth. The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.
41. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.
42. A man???s shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.
43. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)
44. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.
45. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has drunk in a night.
46. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you???re sunning on a tropical beach, and it???s delivered by a topless supermodel, and it???s free.
47. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which could be perceived as a mattress.
48. If you ji
ggle more than twice, you???re playing with it.
49. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.
50. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining a threesome with two girls.
not so much for the defense of cats as the offense of dogs...
I know a lot of y'all got dogs on here. I just bought my girl a puppy over the weekend and haven't slept since!!!! It wines and cries all night long and the little dude doesn't smell so great either! She bathed him and he smelled good for about 10 minutes. I might have to name him "Mr.Funky Man"
Not so easy. It's an indoor cat and if anything ever happened to it, my girlfriend would kill me in my sleep. I'm a tortured man.
Thats probably why its so psycho - I hate cats as well, and at a flat many years ago the chick there had a cat who she kept inside for fear it would get run over, so it was psycho all the time, especially around dusk. After I moved out she came to the realisation that she could let the cat out before feed time and the cat would always come back. It didn't want to go far, it just wanted to get out a lil.
Comments
They were waiting for him at his house when he got home. We had to go ID him. He had prior convictions of the same nature and went to jail for a couple years.
Here's the creepy part: He told the cops that he had been outside of the house watching her through the windows for a few hours before coming inside. He described exactly what she watched on TV, what she was wearing, what she changed into and when she did it. There were fingerprints all over the window sills. He explained it all to them like there was nothing wrong. He said that he got off work and came to our neighborhood to get high. He saw her through the window from the street, dancing while washing dishes, and kept watching her. He still maintained that it was his girlfreind. Turned out he was a used car dealer with a serious meth problem.
He keeps talking about this mystery girlfriend of his....
It was in Normal Heights.
also when i was about 22 i lived in a house with some friends and a couple of their girlfriends. at about 3am one morning we hear some banging around and swearing coming from one of the upstairs rooms down the hall. finally it died down and in the morning my man tells us that his cat, who jumps on a series of things to get in and out of his bedroom window, had brought in a live rat for his owner's pleasure! the banging and swearing was him trying to trap the rat in a pillow case. imagine waking up to your cat delivering the gift of a live rat to your chest in the middle of the night while your sleeping with your lady. what fun!
Is there a more useless or disgusting animal to have in your home? I live with my girl, who owns a cat and won't give the fucker up. Drives me insane to the point where I actually have dreams of killing the furry little bastard. Throwing up everywhere, scratching shit up, pissing in corners. Sneaking in rooms. I understand that's their nature but who the fuck would wanna deal with that shit? They can be cute at times, but not THAT cute. A total pain in the ass. What's the upside to owning cats?
I've always had dogs. Now THAT's a pet.
some cats are cool. some arent. ive met my fair share of dogs and cats that annoyed the shit out of me.
dude I feel a cats vs. dogs thread coming on....
One of my exgirl's cats used to bring in dead pigeons and hide them under her bed. We would see the cat hunt pidgeons in her backyard but never bring them in. The cat was kind of cruel in that it would pounce then let go, then pounce again if the bird moved, and so forth until the bird finally died. We never noticed them until one day we walked in her room and it smelled gross, we looked around and there was a pile of feathers and blood under her bed right by the headboard. Cleaning it up was the worst thing ever. A few days later we actually saw the cat bringing in a dead pidgeon and hauling into his spot under the bed. The ex freaked and tried to take it out from under the bed, but the cat got really angry and scratched her up. Cat was never let indoors after that, and we always hoped a gang of pidgeons would come and seek revenge.
Iron Monkey, entice the cat into your car, drive for an hour or two and leave the cat in the woods, problem solved!
Not so easy. It's an indoor cat and if anything ever happened to it, my girlfriend would kill me in my sleep. I'm a tortured man.
One morning my godfather heard some noise around 6am from downstairs and wondered down to see why his guests were being so damn noisy. Turns out someone had left a window open and a black bear decided to raid the kitchen pantry.
My godfather, not being of solid mind at such an hour (or sometimes thought in general) opened up the door and started making a bunch of noise. He then ran back upstairs and the bear slowly walked out the front door. My godmother was insulted the bear didn't care to try her banana bread and besides the giant crap it took on the kitchen floor, all was fine.
thats a true cook!
hilarious.
oh and cats rule
HAHA...
When I was a kid we used to catch scorpions with our barehands and cut the tails off back in Greece. It was like there was nothin to it... Now I look back and I'm like...wtf was I thinking...haha..
rule indeed! while my cat is definately a real shit some of the time, he's stillthe shit most of the time.
You're entitled to your opinion but I think cats are a fucking nuisance and really not worth keeping as pets. Yappy, jumpy dogs are a fucking pain in the ass too. A cool dog that hangs out, plays fetch and helps guard your house is an infinitely better way to go than some mewling furball that shits in a box in your house.
Cat haters, you can't fuck with that.
Cute, but he'd look better as chicken & broccoli from the local chinese place.
I hope your girl's cat bites your nuts.
I do too... to justify wringing the little fucker's neck
the one time though a few years ago I was up in the studio working and my roommate was downstairs watching tv. I went downstairs to grab a beer and this weird looking crazy chick was stumbling through the living room. I was like whatever and thought it was one of my roommates friends. 5 minutes later he comes running upstairs to the studio and was like "WHO THE FUCK IS SITTING ON OUR COUCH???" Im like "I dunno man i thought she was with you". Hes like "FUCK NO! SHE CAME IN AD STARTED PULLING OFF HER PANTS AND SHIT! CALLING ME RICKY!" I go downstairs and this chick is passed out drunk on the couch. I snatched up her purse and found her cellphone and called "home". This whole hillbilly family came by like an hour later and picked her up and said this happens liek once a week. I guess she was so trashed she stumbled into the wrong house trying to fuck some dude she was having an affair with.
The Man Code[/b]
1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.
2. If you???ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.
3. When questioned by a buddy???s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out ???BULLSHIT!??? (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
8. Complaining about the brand of free beverages in a buddy???s refrigerator is forbidden. But you may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered ???lucky??? are not applicable in this case.
10. Agreeing to distract the skanky friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
12. Before dating a buddy???s ex you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it. He is however allowed to say, ???man, you???re gonna love the way she licks your balls???.
13. Women who claim they ???love to watch sports??? must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man???s zipper is down, that???s his problem - You didn???t see nothin???.
15. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a best friend???s birthday is strictly optional, and slightly gay.
16. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend???s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire, and threw it into a ceiling fan.[/b]
17. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddy???s girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal???s boyfriends - Low level sports bonding is all the law requires.
18. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, never appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
19. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who is playing.
20. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her ugly, whiny friend up with your pal, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
21. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.
22. Unless you???re in prison, never fight naked.
23. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think ???What this guy needs is a good ass whuppin???, then you may sit back and enjoy.
24. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
25. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favour of better athletes - as long as you don???t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.
26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
28. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
???Yeah, baby, push it!???
???C???mon, give me one more! Harder!???
???Another set and we can hit the showers???
???Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius????
29. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That???s just mean.
30. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you???re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod will do just fine.
31. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her.
32. You can not rat out a friend who show???s up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.
33. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chances of getting any either.
34. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a ???Fuck off!??? then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.
35. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly ???just a friend???, go at it, the fact that you???re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.
36. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait.
37. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.
38. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.
39. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.
40. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
When a heroic dog dies to save his master.
After being struck in the testicles with anything moving faster than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.
41. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.
42. A man???s shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.
43. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)
44. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.
45. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has drunk in a night.
46. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you???re sunning on a tropical beach, and it???s delivered by a topless supermodel, and it???s free.
47. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which could be perceived as a mattress.
48. If you ji ggle more than twice, you???re playing with it.
49. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.
50. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining a threesome with two girls.
I wasn't going to mention it...but, god that made me laugh...
Thats probably why its so psycho - I hate cats as well, and at a flat many years ago the chick there had a cat who she kept inside for fear it would get run over, so it was psycho all the time, especially around dusk. After I moved out she came to the realisation that she could let the cat out before feed time and the cat would always come back. It didn't want to go far, it just wanted to get out a lil.
Oh, and the cat litter in the bathroom