Letters to People and Things
DrWu
4,021 Posts
Dear Pubes,Welcome back.WuDear recent music downloads,First off, thanks for hipping me so much new music, 70s African rhumba, loner gospel, Caetano Veloso and Led Zeppelin rip offs. Problem is I got 14 days of music to listen to now and I have no clue how to deal with it. On top of that I had to drop $150 on a 500 gig external drive so all this free music ain't exactly free. Oh and by the way, I never would have bought that Gene and Bob comp so I don't want to hear about it.WuDear shitty pizza place within walking distance of my house,Please stop burning the bottom of your slices. You are the closest restaurant that my kids and I can get to on foot, making you a key resource in times of stress and maternal absence. I need you to step up your crust game and stop playing bad punk rock. I will be bringing by a mix of good but not too mainstream stuff that you can pop in when we stop by on warm nights.WuP.S. that plastic plant community garden you have going next door is totally mental.Dear my brother's b.o.,That shit was out of control today. It's called a shower, I seen it in your bathroom. Get familiar.WuDear Red Dawn, the movie,I love how you have lots of bad acting but a really interesting story line. Leah Thompson falls in love with Powers Booth, I can see that, it is really cold during that part of the movie. WuDear people with good singing voices,I hate you. You walk around singing TV jingles at parties and its sounds better than Aretha Franklin on the stereo. I would give my left arm to be able to sing like that. Hate is probably an exaggeration. I think I'm just jealous cause my pitch is worse than my brother's b.o. Wu
Comments
Dear J,
No. No. No.
When I visit Portland again, I'm definitely using my own beard trimmer.
-Jesus
P.S. Send me some of that "loner gospel."
Dear $18,000 car:
I want to buy you. You are beautiful.
-I Totally Forgot My Name
Dear attorney at work that has a voice like Judge Reinhold:
You sound just like that loser guy that masturbates while wearing the pirate costume in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Oof. No matter how cool a dude you are or how adept at lawyering you become, you'll always be the worst part about one of the best topless movie scenes ever.
-Jesus
that was about as entertaining and high stakes a baseball game as you will ever see in April. Despite the rampant overhype from ESPN and the like...Thanks for being such a compelling baseball rivalry.
-gareth
Dear Wordplay,
Good movie! Nice job, guys. Makes me proud to be a crossword puzzler.
-six letter word for me
Dear working on a Saturday,
Look, I understand this isn't a M-F 9-5 industry. I get that.
But, this is getting absurd. I need a fucking weekend here. So, maybe starting in May, we could put this six day shit behind us? That would be stellar.
- gareth
Dear Grandpa,
Boppy, you have meant so much to making me who I am...Any art or music or literature I love starts with you.
Things aren't looking so good for you these days, and i get the idea that coming up is going to be our last visit. man...that makes me sad beyond words. at the same time, i'm a lucky kid in that i got 27 years to get to know you. mostly, i'm just worried for grandma and my mom. my mom especially. you know she's kind of your favorite...she's gonna be a mess.
But, all that aside. You've had a good run, and I hope to carry on your legacy in everything i do.
love,
-gareth
Nice car. If you really want a Ghia keep your eye out for one here:
http://www.thesamba.com/vw/classifieds/cat.php?id=13
-billb
If you hadn't crashed, I still might have pictures of my old resto-custom VW to post in this thread. I hope your life in the landfill is much more fulfilling, you piece of shit.
Dear Netflix-
I just got familiar. You're all right. Although your recommendations suck.
Dear so and so-
It's called tact. Learn it, our you'll continue to burn youself in the ass like a moron for the rest of your life.
Dear Work-
How is it I got so little accomplished in 45 hours this last week? It's insane.
Dear Money-
Grow, batch.
Dear Whiskey-
Hello.
Dear undertheradar-
I thought you were suppose to be at the Ken Club last night. Way to show up. Me and Big Hippoh got our drink on.
Dear Apartment-
I think I'm about done with you, I'm off to find another.
Dear NBA Playoffs-
It's about time, what the hell took so long? Nobody needed to see tank-fest 07, you should have just started early. I'm glad that you are about to fuck up the Lakers, they shouldn't even be there. Make sure Charles Barkley is funny.
Dear Jimbeam
I actually walked into the Ken Club last night at 11pm, but didn't see you guys.
undertheradar
Shut the fuck up at night already!
Dear Netflix,
Fuck you for throttling my account. Oh, now you're shipping me DVD's from New York? GTFOOHWTBS!
Dear Greencine,
I hope you can do better.
Dear Debt,
Your days are numbered!
Dear Telecommuting,
You fucking rock!
Dear Firefox Spellcheck,
You suck!
Its 68-70 degrees outside and im stuck here 'till 5:30.....
-Dear Mom,
Thanks for dragging me to The Color Purple. We dont hang the way we should.
-Dear Friend 2 Converse,
Dont think for a second that a pair of regular ass Chuck Taylors is a "hook-up" Send me somethin' I cant get @ Modell's/Foot Locker/Footaction/etc. C'mon dude hit a brova off w/ some other shit.
-Dear Jermaine O'Neal,
I hope you and management can ironn things out. If you break north for another franchise shit is gonna be real cruddy in Pacerland.
-Dear Rick Carlyle,
Thanx for the job youve done, but your micromanagement style is played out. Take that shit to the WNBA.
You not as creative as other coaches who can work this way.
-Dear Neighborhood House w/ the 2 barking dogs all day,
I'm really looking to cop a BBgun if you think that shit is ok. Take that shit to the 'burbs.
-Dear Renee,
Stop w/ the push-up bras. It's not workin' at all.
dear new ride,
welcome to my life, don't worry, I'll treat you better than your previous owner did for the last 60 years. new whitewalls are on their way, as well as an overdue polish and buff.
(above isnt my baby, but the closest i could find online)
dear sunshine,
please come back, i miss you, see above.
dear wind,
get the hell out of town, you are making my morning 40 miles hellacious.
dear rain,
please dont come back tomorrow, you'll make a really nice century ride miserable.
I know who stole your bike. he plans to put new whitewalls on it. hit me on the PM and ill reveal his identity.
Dear storm clouds,
piss off
Dear the 2 rummage sales and 5 garage sales i went to this morning,
you came weak, but maybe next week you can come through.
Dear Dexter Wandel,
More synthasizer.
Enter me.
interesting, thats what she said
Dear Wu,
That's pretty lame. Why not?
- Resident Asshole
Dear Paychex,
I played it in store once, was not terribly impressed there. Downloaded because I figured that lots of reputable peeps like yourself were sweating this hard so it deserved another listen*. Usually if I like a release I will cop vinyl even if I have the digital version. Let it be known that you and your crew are on temporary suspension from hyping soul releases for two weeks. In order to get back into my good graces, I need several very dope raer 45 Dls as good as that gospel joint you posted over at waxidermy. I honestly believe that this is second rate stuff. That's is all.
Wu
*I am listening to Bob and Gene as I write this and it only confirms the tepidness of this recording.
I haven't heard the whole thing, but the 5 songs I've heard have been right lukewarm. I'm not going to download it, but I'm not going to buy it, either.
P.S. Send me some of that "loner gospel."
I do not understand you or your wealthy European fans. My ears tell me you sound just like KBLX afternoons, and cannot distinguish between you and your dollar bin brethren.
Dear eBay,
You posted a $350 million+ profit this quarter, yet your site is antiquated junk and you have not released a turbo lister for Mac. You are simply capitalizing on the fact that you have a monopoly and are therefore able to put out a shitty product. Our love/hate relationship is swinging in the hate direction.
Dear students of UC Santa Cruz,
Friday was damn fun. Thousands of people in a meadow smoking that mary jane. But is marijuana the only thing that will get y'all up off your lazy asses to make a statement about the world we live in?
Dear SoulStrutters,
The hell is going on here? Can we talk records or what? These little trolls running amok on these boards must go.
Dear VCA crossfaders,
I am sick of you batches. It is time to upgrade and move on.
Look into GarageSale for Mac.
Cheers
Jonny
C'mon girl...first you leave me stranded outside of J******'s house at 2am and then you have me pay $1500 to fix you?! Man, all my friends and family tell me I should leave your ass and find a new girl. If you start treating me better I may have to do just that.
Herm
[color:white]Dear J******,
I can't believe you called me 'cause you needed "practice" for your date in Vegas this weekend. I didn't realize it's been that long for you. Like I said, as long as we're both single I'll be your fire extinguisher. ;-)
Herm[/color]
Dear Tangoterje,
Dude, your BeeGee's "You Should Be Dancing" re-edit set the club on f*ckin' FIRE last night! I mean, I know I ghey the fuck out in my bedroom while bumpin' it, but I was really worried that the masses might've considered it too corny to get down to. Boy was I wrong! Instant dancefloor filler! I went right into Jake Child's House remix of BEP's "Joints & Jams" and the crowd was mine the rest of the night. Thank you, sir.
Herm
[color:white]Dear E***,
First you took me back with that little slap bracelet trick you pulled a couple weeks ago, but then you had to bring out the old school pin thingie they used to sell at Spencer's? Man, we used to all think it was so cute to press our middle finger into that thing and set it up so that was flipping everybody off back in the day. Never did I imagine making an imprint of that. You're a trip, girl. Unfortunately though, it might be time for the "talk." You're a damn good woman, but I gotta have that "feeling," and frankly, I haven't had that feeling since R**** left me 5 years ago. It ain't you, dollface, it's me. (Clich??, I know.)
Herm [/color]
Dear self,
Damn holmes, seriously... All these beautiful, respectable, "got their sh*t together" women in your life and you can't fall in love with ONE? Do you really have to feel it that deeply in order to pursue something serious? (Don't answer now, just think about it for a bit.)
Herm
Dear Schnipper, I never knew you in the real world, but this thread you started was truly a beautiful thing. I miss it. I know we disagreed on Black Flag during the Rollins years, but people I like seem to like you, so it doesn't really matter in the end. Hope you are well wherever you are and you are writing in a way that makes you feel fulfilled and listening to music that makes you happy.
Dear Beautiful Money Mart Girl who now works at H&M - So when I saw you at the register last week, I did worry that I would sound too creepy if I mentioned I recognized you. But we seemed to have pleasant and polite exchanges when I was MOing all those records all those times, so I thought, "If I go to her cash, I'll say something." I did and you looked at me and did something I hardly ever saw you do, you smiled!
You: "Queen and Bathurst, right?"
"Yea."
"Wow, you have a good memory."
Because you are so memorable "Well, I was in there a lot."
So today, when I was cutting through there and I saw you again, with all your hair down, I nearly fell off the escalator and thought "Don't look up, don't look up" because I just wanted to look at you a bit longer and not make you uncomfortable or freak you out. I hope you are a happy person, because you always look like there is something serious on your mind. Maybe things are actually good these days. You did smile that day and today you have let the world see your beautiful hair.
Dear Betty Everett, I hope things are good where you are. There has been some confusion lately around here as to which soul ladies are here and which have passed to greener pastures. Anyway, I just wanted to say that There'll Come a Time gets a lot of love on this site, but I prefer this record way more.
Who were the band and the engineer(s) by the way? I just love the sound on this record. I am sorry you lived in a time and place that did not allow your own beautiful face to appear on your own record and there is this fool-ass couple to look at instead.
Dear Oscar,
The world does not revolve around you. What the hell are you doing in this picture anyway? I am trying to talk about how good the Sister Rosetta Tharpe song "God Leads Us Along" is and there's your head. Now I'm distracted.
Dear Raptors, You are playing against one of the worst teams tonight - please make my game-going experience fabulous and win.
I know you're mostly gone, but c'mon...enough's enough. Just knock it off and go away, OK?
Coughingly,
The Enkster
Dear Website--
Nobody can figure out what the hell is wrong with you. You just up and decided to stop working even though your code hasn't changed in years. And it's going to be another month before I can get you redesigned. You are currently exemplifying why I hate technology. Knock that shit off.
Disgruntled,
Webmaster Enki
Dear breakfast--
You are the shit. I know we haven't kicked it proper for more than a week at this point, but that's only because this flu fucked up the program. And if we can't really do it up right and have some quality time, why bother, right? But don't get it twisted: I luh ya.
Yours in baconosity,
Enki of the Morning
Dear season 3 of The Wire
Admiringly,
DVD Meister Enki
Dear Dusty Groove Order #1
I am worried for your safety & fear you may never make it to me. I have already received Dusty Groove Order #2 that I placed a couple of days after you were placed. What has happened? Did you get overtaken by #2 on the trip to New Zealand or have you just vanished. I really hope you decide to show up because you are the most expensive order I have made & it would really suck for you to be only the 2nd parcel not to make it to me in 10 years of mailordering vinyl. Also, please know it will really upset me if you don't get my girlfriend's birthday presents to me so I can give them to her on Saturday.
Yours
Expectant in Auckland
Please, please, please let me take the midterm for your Cisco class the week before it's scheduled. My wife has planned this trip to Mexico for months and if I have to tell her I have to change the dates because of an exam, (albeit a very important one) she'll flip on me and I don't need that right now.
Dear Robert Morris College,
Your "Spring Break" is Frickin' three days long. I know you have ten-week quarters and you have to keep things tight to make it all work, but come on. We can't have a week? At least don't have it so midterms fall on the week the rest of the world is going on vacation.
Dear Simon Pegg, Edgar Wright, and Nick Frost,
I very much enjoy your films. I just saw Shaun of the Dead. I have to say that I liked Hot Fuzz better, but SOTD was excellent. Please make another movie at your earliest convenience.
Dear My Wife's Bosses,
Plaese to back the fuck up off of my wife. This is no way to run a school. Y'all are bogus.
I'm done with you for the time being
dear top 10 list of things i need to start doing,
thanks for opening my eyes, i will stick to you
dear dad's friend's weed,
thanks for getting me blitzed that night
dear dinner last night,
thanks for being so delicious
dear johnny paychex,
thanks for having the best store ever.
thank you for giving me that one sweet moment of bliss every morning when i suck air through my recently flossed teeth.
plus, i got the warm fuzzies when my dentist praised me for getting rid of all that anaerobic bacteria between my teeth during my last check up.
here's to good oral hygiene!
dear puddle i parked over during last weekend's storm,
i hate you.
i now have a big, painful bruise on my upper arm where i slammed into the door frame whilst flinging myself sideways into the car. i still stepped in you even though i was trying to jump over you AND i keep antagonizing the bruise by leaning into doors to open them with my shoulder. dammer.
dear nbc studio execs,
please do not cancel "friday night lights." i know you are having trouble finding an audience because people think it's just a show about football. it's so refreshing to see a happily married couple on tv. if you need to trim the fat, please feel free to drop the lyla and street storylines. they have rendered themselves irrelevant.
p.s. to the writers, please feel free to give more time to riggins.
Your haunting isle imagery has literally been haunting me lately. First it made its way into a dream and then randomly at two waking life outputs, a few days later. Are you responsible for this? Transcending, definitely.
Dear Reinbert
Where did you record those slow, slow Satie interpretations? Aside from being pretty much perfectly played, there are these beautiful moments where-in subtle, outside noises make their way onto the recording; other-worldly hallway moves.
Dear Voigt
Nach 1912 is brilliant.
Thanks for only hanging around for 5 days. I heard you were kicking it inside of fools and Frickin' up their program for at least 2 weeks. No worries, I'm not offended. The 5 days we spent together were full of misery and delirium. I was especially disturbed during the fever-dream where I was the person in charge of administering Zycam to everyone on the planet who had the flu (on different schedules, of course). I also like how you make the same disturbing thought run through my mind over and over again like a broken record until I'm on the verge of insanity. Good stuff!
Dear Weed>>
I know we've been apart for a while now but don't worry. Just had to get some shit done and you know how it goes when we start hanging together. In short, I wanna get back together... Miss you...
Dear Gut>>
You've been around for a little too long, homie. I know how easy it is for you to get comfortable but it's time for you to go. The summer's coming and you really cramp my style when everyone else has their shit together & you're still all up on me like that. We'll always be friends & you can come by and visit again next year.. around Thanksgiving. See ya...
Dear Job>>
You continually try to play a brother out with your third world treatment. No sick days or vacation?! Is that shit even legal? Yeah, sure you're close to home & I get to be home by 3:30 but still... fuck that! You keep doing me like this and our relationship won't last.
Dear Job Market>>
If you didn't suck so bad right now, I'd be in a much better place. Plaese get your shit together, motherfucker.
Dear Soulstrut moderator>>
Why can't people say fuck here anymore? We're all grown here motherfucker... Don't censor us you Frickin' piece of shit!
Dear Life>>
I know you've sucked pretty badly for a while and I know all about that inspirational "life is what you make it" bullshit and yeah, you throw me a bone here and there to keep me hanging in there but you know what... Fuck YOU! Things are changing, see? No more nonsense... You're not gonna break me, foolio. I won't be shooting up any schools or office buidings or offing myself for your statistical pleasure. I'm gonna stay here and beat you down into a bloody pulp. I'm gonna live you so well that death will shit his pants at the mere thought of taking me out the game! Hah! Your move...
Dear Records>>
I know it's hard for you out here in California. You have to live in slimy dealer's houses. Endure living in crapmed quarters that smell of stale cigarettes and cat piss. Not to mention having to listen to your current owner's endless mind numbing opinions on music and stupid stories that interest no one. You must feel so lonely and hopeless with the unrealistically high bail he set on you. You're bound to be locked up in his lonely maturbator prison forever. If you ever escape, head east. People are better there. I'll be waiting....
the confessional thing was gay but that was even gayer.