Interventions & Life Crisis Experiences ( NRR)
JustAlice
1,308 Posts
Has anyone ever tried successfully or not to intervene in a family member or friends distructive and unproductiove world? Any psychologist's or therapists in the house that could give me some key points, websites or books on taking the first step? I'm facing the fact that someone very close to me may be a Sociopath and/or possibly a addict of a multitude of substances. It has been an increasingly concerning downward spiral for quite some time.I dont know where to start, my parents are on board but without any concrete starting point we are all a little lost. I know its important we are all on the same page when confronting this person, but finding a way to be non judgemental and non-confrontational seems impossible. This is one of those things where web searches are providing too much info and not much help.Needing some Real life stories from people who may have gone through something like this or know how to deal with someone who seemingly doesnt give a shit about who they hurt whether it be lying, conning, stealing, using drugs, abandoning a child...fuck it goes on and on. I just know he has so much potential and a good heart under all the fake shit that has taken him over. Feeling rather hopeless and still hoping that with all the folks on here someone might have some kind of intervention 101. Please and thank you.
Comments
Don't get me wrong, I love an OCCASIONAL crazy SF endoftheworld loft partay, but to see that lifestyle take it's toll on a good friend hurts. I hope he gets back on track.
get new friends.
Is this that compassionate conservatism we've heard so much about?
One of my favorite patients was in addiction counseling, and I found out several months later that she had died of a heroin overdose. So sad. I think she was about 22.
i actually just wrote to someone else who chastised me that if it wasnt family by either blood or marriage, it wasnt worth it. that being said.
if he is young enough to submit, my friend did a program where they drop you in the middle of the dessert for like a month and that cleaned her up.
yankee pragmatism
so just hang in there and do what your heart tells you is right. Good luck...cause this shit isnt easy AT ALL. I hope everything works out for you, bro..and feel free to PM me with any questions or anything.
1. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do. The purpose of an intervention is not to get them to stop (only they will be able to make that decision). It is a reality orientation event. It helps for the addict to have to face the consequences of their choices before they do themselves (or others) in. Your intervention is only a small piece of the process. Life has been kicking them in the ass for a long time and will continue to do so after you talk to them. Let life do most of the reality orientation for you.
2. Hitting bottom or facing reality is often a very long process. Your first discussion or intervention will probably not be your last. Do not be discouraged by their lack of motivation or gratefulness. Be ready to go the long haul. At the same time set a reasonable limit for what you are willing to do.
3. Prepare yourself for the worst. By this I mean very scary behaviors (even suicide attempts). Often, confrontation will result in the person escalating their behavior. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Your words are not causing anything. Their feelings about themselves are driving everything. Sooner or later it is going to come to a head for them because they are fucked up inside. That said..........
4. I would start with coffee. You may learn a lot by going this route. Let the person know what you are seeing, how it makes you feel and that you will help them get help if they want. Ignore all personal attacks and suggestions to do anything other than get help. Key phrases are "I love you" "I think you are hurting yourself" "I will help you get help".
5. Lather, rinse and repeat.
he walked into a surprise confrontation- room with only a few very important and loving people and a moderator person. When his dad broke into tears (something he'd never seen before), he agreed to rehab. I really have high hopes, but like some others have said, I wouldn't necessarily be surprised if we had to do this again.
best luck to you.
He got arrested 3 times within 24 hours and got 2 DUI's and some weed possesion stuff. This is a guy who was an esteemed lawyer in my hometown and had never been arrested.
It culminated with him attempting suicide/OD'ing.
We did an intervention and it really worked. Not saying this is the same for everybody, but it worked for us.
Now he is totally chilled out and focused on his retirement.
We can laugh about that rough times we had a couple years ago.
I want to start with the positive. I have seen many people kick addictions. I was addicted to codeine once and kicked it cold turkey. (Also pot and coffee.) In the 80s I had 2 different bosses who I watched get addicted to coke, send their business to the edge of bankruptcy and then straighten out. Both did it cold turkey.
I don't know anyone who has been a formal intervineer or intervinee.
I watched my inlaws try to help (mostly enabling and denial) their son for years and years until he sobered up (Teen Challenge). He played the sober Christian long enough to gain a wife, 2 beautiful daughters and embezzle from numerous employers. After watching him slide back down my inlaws repeatedly tried to cut off all contact. Sadly he manages to con his way back into their life over and over. He is in rehab again after being jailed, evicted and served with divorce papers. Now he is working his way back to his wife and children. He has not yet contacted his parents or sister.
He is in his mid 50s and has abused drugs and alcohol since his teen years. I agree that all you can do sometimes is let someone know they are loved. They are loved but they are not welcomed in your life until they demonstrate they understand their problem and want to change.
My brother inlaw thinks his problem was the devil and not drugs and alcohol. I don't know what he thinks today. Last I knew his problem was me, his sister, his parents and his wife.
I really shouldn't have told you that horror story. Lots of people get help for addiction, depression, bi-polar everyday and go on to live happy and hopeful lives. I hope your brother is one.
Yeah, my dad has the same problem. He's got PTSD from Vietnam, but instead of getting help, it's a constantly rotating blame game of "who's the enemy now?" It's always someone or something else, but in the end, the only one hurting him is himself by refusing to get treatment. Right now he's in the hospital dying of heart failure, and he's still playing the same game. It's the doctors. Then it's the nurses. Then it's my mom. Then it's me.
I know it's not drugs or alcohol, but the principle is the same in many ways.
In other words, start with basics and with simple, non-threatening messages. The life of an addict is pretty short-sighted--they con themselves and everyone around them into justifying their behavior. An addict can indeed appear to be a sociopath but that may be just the chemical imbalance. True sociopaths don't need any external addictive substances to act the way they act.
I, too, have delt with addiciton/mental health issues within my own family. It's resulted in a successful suicide in one case as well as legitimate recovery in another. I know I must seem awfully cold, but I don't particularly want to go into too much detail on this board due to the impersonal aspect of a message board and the personal nature of my family's history. Know that I regained and lost people that I loved, though.
Addiction is also very close to the work I do. I have worked with emotionally disturbed boys for almost a decade now and the majority of their issues stem from drug-addicted, neglectful/abusive parents. The cycle of addiction is scary and sickening. Recovery from it is also extremely long and time-consuming, so please be aware of how much investment you are putting into someone else's disease: he will suck you dry sometimes. As Thes and others have said, sometimes you gotta cut 'em off until they have decided to clean themselves up: ultimately the effort MUST come from them or they will never change.
Hearing your words might help though, just be careful.
I don't envy your position because I have certainly been there. I wish you luck.
~gNAT
The folks at your local www.al-anon.alateen.org will be an invaluable resource for programs or just advice.
I really recommend talking to them for some face-to-face suggestions.
Best of luck to you and your family...Just know that many have been where you are. And, while no one can boast a 1.000 batting average, I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone who regrets trying. Stay strong.
Yes. While I understand that sometimes you need to cut the cord, until then, do whatever you can. If nothing else, you'll be able to sleep better at night.
To be honest, Im kinda feeling more lost and hopless than ever though now. Im just at a loss I guess. It good go good, it could go bad. I appreciate all the different angles for sure, and even if its not making me feel instantly better or anything, I realize there are a lot of possibiltys. I just still dont know what to do plain and simple.
I guess we should cut him off and tell him we will only support him getting his life back together in a legitimate way and end this bullshit or else kinda deal, but that is easier said then done. Im so worried and at the same time, if he isnt around I dont worry or think about it but now that I know what I know..I know I cant stop worrying even when he is away.
Anyways, Im sad and confused and angry and all that so the first little step is a giant leap when all is said and done. We have already tried to approach this but in a roundabout half assed way. I guess like some of you said, it will be a long battle.
Just wish me luck. He is leaving town in just a day or two so I need to get at him before he leaves so he knows how I feel.
thanks again everyone, it means so much hearing all the personal stories. I needed that.