how do you grieve?
mesh
925 Posts
this is probably not the place to talk about it, but whatever. how do you cope with the loss of a loved one?my father unexpectedly passed away friday afternoon. he was only 58. i am only 27. i am lost without him.we have been inundated with friends and family since friday, but since we buried him on tuesday that has tremondously subsided, as i knew it would. one thing i take comfort in is the amount of people that came out to pay respect. there must have been 800+ that came to the church. it was standing room only, which brought tears of joy/sorrow to my face.i am trying to stay strong for my mother, but this is really hard. he meant everything to her, as he did to me, my sister, her husband, and their children. i can't listen to music right now. it used to bring me so much joy, but right now, music and tv are total turn offs. food has no taste. alcohol doesn't have the same effect. i don't even want to smoke. i can't sleep without sleep-aids, and even then i wake up in the middle of the night, barely able to go back to sleep. i truly understand the meaning of "sick with grief." i feel as though something has been ripped from inside me. i am hollow, unable to be filled with anything. strangely, i feel closer to God. my faith is slowly being restored, as that is the only thing i have for support. i know He has a plan, but i don't know if i will ever understand it.i am still in the early stages of grieving. i am sure i will get angry soon, and progress through the other stages of grief as time comes. i know time is the only thing that will heal, minute by minute, hour by hour. but damn, this is hard.unfortunately, i am sure their are other members of this horrible "club" that frequent this board. it is to you that i write this, asking for you to share your stories of having someone taken from you too soon. R.I.P. daddy, i love and miss you more than i ever thought possible.
Comments
It does get easier with time. Now is a time to bond with family. I'll forward you a link about my experience. It's a little too personal to post here.
I've lost a grandmother and grandfather which, although painful, can't be nearly as tough as losing a parent.
My only advice is laughter. Which sounds odd, but it helped me to have friends and family near by that would make me laugh, and it always felt like a releif.
I'll share another story. I was on leave from the army quite a few years ago and was visiting a friend that I had known in highschool. We got together and I asked how he was doing and he told me that his dad had just passed away. It was obvious that he was still very shook up and sad about it. His dad had died in a boating accident. I think his dad's boat got hit by another boat on the lake. So he told me that a few days after his dad died, him and his brother decided to go watch a movie to get their minds off of the whole thing.
So they go to the movies, and sure enough in the middle of the movie is this action boat sequence with boats crashing and exploding, people flying of the sides of the boats, high speed chases and all that. My friend and his brother just got up and left.
So he tells me this story and I'm like "man... what a bummer..." but after a few second we both started cracking up. He was in tears... tears of grief and laughter. I guess it felt good to let the whole thing out. We laughed for a long time. It might seem sick to laugh like that, but actually it was a really good thing. A lot of pent up pressure was released.
Anyways, mourning is a strange thing. You can be bawling one minute, then the next minute be laughing hysterically, then the next minute just be sitting in silence trying to clear your brain out.
Don't be ashamed to cry. Don't be ashamed to laugh during a time of grief.
I really am sorry to hear about your dad. I wish there was something that I could do to help out, man.
When my close uncle passed in January suddenly, we were blindsided. For us, this was one of the few times in the past 5-10 years where the whole family got together. So, while we were so hurt, we had the oppurtunity to be reunited. This gave us strength. I think the best thing to do is be with your family, help each other, reminisce if it's not too painful. It's going to hurt, like it did for us, but we know that he would have wanted all of us to get on with our lives.
Noone can cope with grief alone. As long as you have the support of your family, and you in turn support them, you'll see this through. Again, alll my hopes and prayers are with you and anyone else that has a loss. Stay strong.
I'm truly very sorry to hear this.
There are very distinct stages of grief. But people spend different amounts of time at each stage. That said, most people do spend a very long time in each stage--as the grieving process will go on the rest of your life.
People run into the most problems when the do not let themselves truly feel the pain of their loss at the beginning. This can take a long time. That's OK, in fact , it's very good.
This is the time when you can just break down over and over. Staring off into space. Doing nothing. Crying all the time. Let yourself do that.
I'm gonna say this again. Let yourself feel the pain of your loss. Just let it pour out...
My only experience with loss was the death one of my best friends, and I can't say I am over it even now. I still think about him and what he would be doing now if he were alive, but mostly I just try and remember the good times I had hanging out with him.
Again, I am really sorry for your loss, and let me know if you need anything.
I am very, very sorry for your loss. The only thing I'll say is that everything you feel is exactly what you're supposed to feel. Anything you need to do to get through this is the right thing to do. Don't feel the need to "be strong" or "keep your chin up." Feel what you feel and know that many of us are thinking of you and your family.
Take care,
Ross
I am so sorry to hear about this. It breaks my heart. I wish you all the strength in the world during this tough time.
- Jonny
No matter how "deep" any digger here is, they are all human.
A co-worker/friend had a death in her immediate family about a month ago...I can see it hit her in waves and as you've noticed, friends' support seems to tailor off as time passes.
Another co-worker was really close to her dad when he died and like Fatback said, from what I can see, however you grieve is up to you... she sometimes reflects on some of his personality traits and its good.
i guess i'll co-sign w/DizzyBull, laughter can be healthy in this situation. At least it is an outlet rather than keeping everything inside. ...So maybe posting this is a good idea in that, its letting some feelings out.
i dunno if i can help you with anything, but feel free to get at me if so.
-mord
This is one of the most heartfelt and straight up powerfull things I've ever read on this site. Maybe it's because we know each other, and I've never really imagined, let alone seen you unhappy. This being the first of heard of it, I'm really taken aback. I wish you and your family the best and i only wish i could be there to support you. Hopefully you'll know I am in spirit. If you need ANYTHING, you know how to get in touch with me. Don't even hesitiate. Hold your head, Joey.
Tom
Be strong and hang in there, our thoughts are with you.
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father.
I too am similarly grieving. My 28-year old brother flew to New York to visit me two weeks ago and died unexpectedly in his sleep. It was Mother's Day and we were supposed to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge and eat pizza at Grimaldi's. As usual I woke up earlier than he does, made coffee and listened to records downstairs for a couple of hours. Sometime before noon I decided it was time to wake him up. It was then that I discovered his body. We still don't have a definitive cause, but it is likely to be a brain aneurism since he complained of a headache the night before and had brain surgery for cavernous angioma ten years ago.
I have never felt that kind of despair, disbelief and shock in my entire life. At work, I just stare at a computer screen and think about how he looked when I discovered him. I can't get the image out of my head.
I am now the only remaining child of my mother and father.
The experience has caused me to contemplate family, loss, and my ideas about what is really important. It seems as though my neverending childhood suddenly came to an abrupt halt.
My wife has been incredibly comforting but has recently complained that I am detached. I feel as if I were a balloon, suddenly released and floating into space.
RIP Craig Yoder, 08/04/77 -> 05/14/06
Don't be afraid to pop by if you are feeling at loose ends.
- Jonny
I am so sorry to hear this. Although I haven't met you in person, like Delay said you are a very happy person and I can tell that from your humour, patience, and generosity. I have had several close friends that have lost parents in the last few years, and I co-sign what others have said about allowing yourself to feel whatever is inside you. You know our thoughts are with you.
Seriously...I am really sorry that you guys are in the midst of dealing with these hardships. Trust that you are not alone, death and it's difficulties are an unfortunate common foundation we all share. It's unbelievably painful and can make life seem alternately filled with unlimited promise yet sometimes unbearably empty.
All my best to everyone hurting right now.
So sorry for the two of you in this thread, and anyone else that is hurting. Yes, this is natural, and normal, and death is a part of the contract we all sign. But, that doesn't make it any easier. Best of luck.
Don't be afraid to let it all out and don't be afraid to go with exactly what you're feeling. Holding it in or trying to mask your hurt feelings make things worse in the long run.
Honor the memory of the person you loved while they were alive. Laughter is very much a part of that.
Be there for those grieving with you and they will be there in return.
Know that in a time of weakness and vulnerability, this place is[/b] an incredible support system.
My thoughts are with both of you.
I had to work this mothers day. I was holding it together really well but I found out a good friends father committed suicide. It hurt me to think of what she was going through at such a young age (17) and i knew her father. I broke down. Shit never goes away, you just learn how not to obsess on it after a while.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I lost my father when I was 5 years old. One thing that I remember my mom and grandmom telling me was that he was always with me, even though he wasn't alive. In other words, never forget your father. Try to remember all of the better times that you had spent with him. Also, know that if he were here, he probably wouldn't like to see you like this.
Stay strong and I hope you get better soon.
-Mike
i am not going to respond to everyone's PMs right now, but i just want to say to all of you that i appreciate it. these are hard times, and it is good to know there are people thinking of me.
i am so sorry for your brother's death indiana45s, i had to see my father on the bathroom floor where he passed. he died in my mother's arms, and i know she is having a tough time getting that image out of her head. he was so full of life, and lived it to the fullest, that seeing him like that is extremely difficult.
You truly never forget, the pain will be there until the day you die. It's ultimately up to you to decide on how you cope with it, whether to dwell on the sorrow or recall the fond memories. At times like these, I've often had to re-evaluate my life, which leads to a more "focused" me. It can be a catalyst for change, if you choose to take it. It can also be quite frightening, but nobody said life was easy. Take that leap or you might live to regret it.
again, the words I live by are quite appropriate for times like these. "let it go"
my thoughts are with you two.
Like I said to Joe, just let yourself float. Take all of that pain and emotion and embrace it head on.
My father told me that he found his brother in the same way and said that it changed him forever. In a good way.
I feel terribly for you and what you are going through right now. It is never easy to lose someone close. It's the one thing that ties all humanity together it seems. Death and loss. We are all here for a brief moment. You are a wonderful person and I wish you the best in dealing with your father's death. I am here if you want to talk, call me. Do remember that you father lives on in you and the people whose lives have changed from meeting him. Cherish your life and the lives of those around you.
--
Jason,
Although we have never met or even had any dealings, you are still fam and my sorrow goes to you as well my man. I am sorry about your loss. The memories will always be there. Take care of yourself and your family and those around you.
{t}