Choose Your Own Adventure: Round 1
drewnice
5,465 Posts
If someone tried to break into your crib, while you were chilling on Soul Strut at night, what would you do? How would you handle it? I have no idea why this crossed my mind, but after it did I started looking around for something to protect myself and intimidate the burglar with. But, I don't have any baseball bats lying around or anything of that sort. Knife? Maybe. Although, this is all predicated on whether or not I even choose to attack first or not...but, if I didn't, what would I do instead? I mean 911 is probably just as much a joke in Philly as anywhere else claims it to be. Isn't that what we've been programmed to do?How would you handle this situation? Choose your own adventure.
Comments
I would break that fool until he was immobile, THEN I would snitch.
How to Get Your Home Battle Ready Without Your Wife/Girlfriend Knowing About It
Ok guys, I know the pain some of you are feeling. You want to protect your homes and loved ones from Federales and Branch Davidians, but your wife or girlfriend won???t let you buy a gun. Well, what are you going to do? Sit around in an unprotected house, let some tard walk in and take a piece of your ass with out a fight? Hell no, not my readers and not in my America. Here we are going to show you how to bunker down your home so no one not your wife, girlfriend or maid will be the wiser.
STEP 1: Cactus blinding powder. The first step is to buy a cactus, the bigger you can get the better, but not overly huge because this is going on a windowsill. ???Why a cactus???? I???ll tell you why; a cactus is a very resilient plant. They survive with very little maintenance and are easy to care for. Not to mention they are fun to stick people???s hands or faces in when they get out of line. Once you have your cactus pour some water on it and let it sit. Now it???s time to make the blinding powder. Get some very fine sand from the beach or a nursery, the finer you can get the better. Remember this is going in people???s eyes. Add some ashes from your last cookout and some of that habanero hot chili powder. Grind it up as fine as you can and place a couple of handfuls in the cactus. Put the cactus on the windowsill and you???re ready to go. If your girlfriend gives you beef, tell her that she???s wussified the bathroom plus the kitchen, as opposed to a five-inch space on the window. And if you think you can get away with telling her to get off your back, do it. Now if she catches you making the powder, tell her it???s from Home Depot or just throw some in her face and run.
Step 2: Rubber mallet madness. For some reason women find rubber mallets much less threatening than regular hammers. That means you can put them virtually anywhere: the crapper, the bedroom, in the fridge, anywhere. After all they???re rubber. Yeah, my ass! These things hit hard. You???re not going to have the same skull cracking penetration you would with a steel hammer, but that???s not what you???re going for. With this tool you need to attack your opponent???s mobility, and go for the legs. One common mistake is to swing for the knees, but this isn???t as great an idea as you think. Knees are made of bone, and are pretty hard to break. Not to mention people in motion tend to move their knees a lot, making it a difficult target to hit. The thigh, on the other hand, is the perfect target. The minute you land a hit, the muscles in the leg will start to hemorrhage and swell, preventing blood flow through the leg. What this creates is a really serious ???Charlie horse???. The kind you don???t get up from for a day or two, and if you do everything else right, he shouldn???t get up at all. You probably won???t break the leg because the femur is stronger than concrete, so hack away with no fear. The minute he tries to put pressure on the leg it will give way, and he???ll fall, and if he doesn???t, hilarity will ensue. There???s nothing funnier that an assailant hopping around on one leg while he tries to block your Thor-like hammer swings. In fact, feel free to yell, ???By the beard of Odin!??? Once he???s down, move on to an axe or chainsaw, it doesn???t really matter. The point is to beat him down with his own swollen leg. After all, the femur is stronger than concrete.
STEP 3: Fun with blowguns. First, replace that old stick you use to lock your sliding glass door with a 5/8??? metal pipe. This is the standard blowgun dart size. Pick up some broad-head darts from any web-site and put one in the pipe. Make sure you fasten the dart at the base of the pipe with a small piece of tape just to hold it in place while you are moving around. When someone gets feisty you shoot them in the face. He???ll know he picked the wrong house when he has darts sticking out of his eyes. You can also hide extra ammo all around the house since they are very thin with a small head. Put them in random plants or stick them behind a piece of furniture.
Ideally the perfect scenario should go like this: A scumbag tries to break in through the window, and as he???s getting in you reach into your cactus and throw a handful or blinding powder at him. With his eyes burning you go into ATTACK MODE! As you move through the house with a calm killer-like intensity, you reach for the blowgun and shoot him in the face. Blood-spattered and blind, you move to your first ammo cache. This is your time to shine by reloading and unloading until he???s got six darts on his face and hands. At this point he should look like Pinhead, and attempt to escape. Problem is you have your rubber mallet in hand, and singing praises such as ???This is for Odin!??? WHAM! One hit square on the thigh (since he???s pulling darts out of his face) and he???s on the ground. He hits his blind dart filled face on the floor, and one drives straight into his brain and kills him. At least, that???s what you tell the cops.
Now you could say, ???Well I have an alarm and it???ll go off if someone breaks in.??? Newsflash: You???re dumb and I don???t want you in my trench. This is about getting up and taking action against any and all opponents who might do anything that pisses you off in your home. The one thing you can???t forget is that this is all legal once they???re inside your house.
Remember, this is the way it has to be.
Is this from the same peacenik who gave us the advice on back alley knife fights?
the one and only.
well spotted sherlock
AYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(but thanks for the invite!)
Any other plans/ideas for handling this situation?
Good start but sloppy thinking, my friend. You need to decide whether you're gonna go with a Ninja Sword or a Samurai Sword.
There ya go,