The Best of Craigslist
unlascivious
220 Posts
i have no idea how i missed this...http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/To the Guy in the Islanders BathroomReply to: [email]anon-117513973@craigslist.org[/email]Date: Sun Dec 11 20:17:55 2005Dear person in the Islanders Resturant bathroom, While I don't make a habbit of calling people out on their movements I need to put this one out there. YOU SIR, need to start each and every day with a bran muffin. Do you have the bird flu? In 26 years on this planet I have never heard, heard of, had or otherwise experienced as voilent a shit as you took in the Islanders bathroom. It sounded like you were pouring out a 5 gallon bucket of ice water from 10 feet avove the toilet. My ears have never heard so horrific a sound as your liquid fecal being fired downward between pockets of pressurized methane gas. I was only there to wash my hands before eating my lunch...but my appetite was foiled by your ass-disaster. Moaning and weezing in your stall while wave after wave of dysentery ran from your bowels. What had you consumed?! Raw chicken, 2 bowls of chilli, 1 bottle Ex-Lax and a gallon of milk? You single handedly ruined every molecule of oxygen in the room. 30 minutes later back at work it still seemed like someone had wiped a log of shit under my nose.Orgasm Notice - 3 Days to Pay or QuitReply to: [email]anon-117466579@craigslist.org[/email]Date: Sun Dec 11 15:53:11 2005Dear Sir, You have been renting my vagina for the past six weeks. In that six weeks you have had liberal access to myself and my fine ass bobbing on your dick, and you have taken advantage of this opportunity on a damn near daily basis. That is great. I love sex and I love it more when it is a daily experience. However, over the course of these past six weeks, I have recieved only one "payment" in exchange for your many lovely gifts of pearl necklaces and the like. This arrangement is simply not an acceptable one for my vagina and myself. This notice serves you with a three day period to pay up or get the fuck on. I want an orgasm. Look at this from my perspective, dear sir. I am a lovely little number. I do not smother. I come over late at night to fuck your brains out. I like the same movies as you. We laugh together, have a great time and in general have great sex. The lack of the finale on an occasional basis is understandable. The consistent nonexistance of it, however, will not do. You would not waste your time fucking me for six weeks if every time, save one lovely instance, you got really really really close, and then had to "hold it over" while I snored away happily after experiencing my earthshattering juicer, would you? No. I don't think you would. You would move on and take shelter in another, more "rewarding" location. I have been fair. I do not demand. I am a giving and tolerable lover. You can do whatever you want to me sexually, you know this from experience. I am not taking applications from other prospective tenants and I give you free access, 24/7. However, my tolerance wanes. The rules of tenancy are about to change. Here are a few final tidbits of knowledge. We have gone over them before. Perhaps you forgot. Again. Have a read. Have a re-read. But please, I implore you to take this seriously. This is a final notice. There are no exceptions. 1. I do not "cum" from strictly intercourse. I never have. I don't rule out the future possibility, but please stop trying to be the "stud" whose dick makes me "cum so hard" every time. It doesn't happen. Please take a few minutes prior to your personal enjoyment to go downtown and see the sights. I provide a roadmap. I am vocal and have no qualms with telling you to "keep doing that, don't stop." You know this. From the ONE time you did it. Remember, you are not "jerking off." This is not "aided masturbation." I am not just "along for the ride." This is SEX, buddy. And women want to cum too. If I didn't, I wouldn't bother with fucking you in the first place. Sure, I like to see you happy and love watching you cum. Its an enjoyable experience to sexually satisfy your partner. Try it. 2. I rarely get on top. When I do - DO NOT FLIP ME OVER. This is just a rule. Don't do it. Lay back and enjoy the ride. 3. Don't be such a gun slinger with the lube. If you touch my pussy and its not dripping wet, lube is not the blanket answer to this problem. And no, I don't care if it does smell/taste like strawberries. I might care if that made you venture down south, but that has not been a tried and true outcome. Your hands, fingers, and mouth are welcome, invited even. I assure you, it is not a desert down there. You need to AROUSE your lover. Not DOUSE your lover. Please, dear sir, do not take this as a rejection. Do not be discouraged. I have complete and utter faith in your ability to satisfy me sexually. Besides that, I really enjoy having you around in all other areas. You are funny. You are smart. You are sexy and educated. You DO NOT, however, give me an orgasm anywhere near as often as you should. You are in your thirties. You are not getting any younger. You should learn this now - women want a together, financially secure and stable man. Yes. That isn't a lie. However, women prefer solitude and the satisfaction of MASTURBATION to a constant sexual let down. I know you like fucking me. Please help me to like fucking you.I'll Cook and Fuck, Just Do My Dishes - w4m - 26Reply to: [email]anon-117544123@craigslist.org[/email]Date: Mon Dec 12 01:02:00 2005I love to cook, but lately, I have not been doing it nearly as frequently as I should. I live by myself, and cooking for one and then having to clean the goddamned mess seems like a total hassle. That said, if you promise to be a regular fuck buddy, then I'll guarantee satisfying you in more than one way. I've been told that I'm a great cook and a great fuck. I'm a vegetarian with a bald pussy. Doesn't cunnilingus on me sound fun? Now here is the deal. You must do my dishes, and I am very particular about how clean they must be. I really hate doing them, but when I do, they are squeaky clean (you should be able to get that squeak when your fingers rub against my tupperware), so you best be able to handle that. After that, I'll happily ride the shit out of you or let you fuck me from behind. Really, all positions are open to debate. I can handle a few grammatical errors in an email, but if you come off as sounding as though you cannot write a coherent sentence, it's a total turnoff. As for hygiene, I do not need someone who has a major case of OCD, but guys, let's be honest. You need to bathe more frequently than women do, and if you do not maintain a regimen of bathing, brushing and flossing your teeth, and wiping your ass, can I truly trust you to wash my dishes? I would insist on seeing tasteful photos of you, and I'll enjoy throwing your dick shot photos into my new shredder and then into my trash folder.
Comments
Reply to: [email]anon-117614840@craigslist.org[/email]
Date: Mon Dec 12 09:26:00 2005
but, dude, have you seen page 56?
have a great birthday. you're an awesome roommate.
It's raining at work and slow on the board and this has been the highlight of my day so far.
Check this out; it's got a few great ones: http://fleshbot.com/sex/found/the-best-of-best-of-craigslist-141119.php
Here's my favorite (perhaps b/c it strikes a bit too close to home)
To the tailgating cop who ruined my blowjob on the QEW - 29
Reply to: [email]anon-116903312@craigslist.org[/email]
Date: Fri Dec 09 00:48:44 2005
Look, it's been a few years since I've dated a girl willing to even consider giving head while I'm driving. I didn't think this one would even take me seriously. In fact, _I_ didn't even take the suggestion seriously, but I made a joke about it and she got a gleam in her eye and told me to take off my jacket.
I was a little uneasy because some asshole in a station wagon had been tailgating me for a minute for two, but I figured, "Fuck him. Let him watch. He's practically in the back seat as it is." So down she goes. I just can't believe this is really happening.
All of a sudden, the guy behind me decides he's been waiting to pass long enough. He pulls up beside me and matches my speed and I make eye contact with him, feeling just a little bit smug.
Then he flashes his fucking badge at me. And I see the uniform hanging behind him that says POLICE on the fucking sleeve. Suddenly I'm not so happy.
I mentioned this to the girl who was laying across the gear shift at the time, and- understandably- she promptly sits up. My once-every-five-years bliss ends early, but it becomes a tale for the ages. The cop sped off. I guess it's a good thing he was in a hurry to get somewhere.
My MC: Next time could I at least get a written warning so I have proof?
Reply to: [email]anon-116300382@craigslist.org[/email]
Date: Tue Dec 06 15:16:35 2005
I just lost 120 LBs on Atkins and had to buy all new underwear. I hate to throw it all away so if anyone who is about 5'4' and weighs 290 wants em let me know. I have about 100 pairs in rainbow colors. They are clean. Please serious inquiries only...no perverts.
Reply to: [email]anon-113057861@craigslist.org[/email]
Date: Tue Nov 22 09:50:53 2005
I wanted to talk to you, but you are so much more attractive than most of the middle-aged has-beens in last night's pile that I couldn't get a moment alone, or even as part of a threesome or foursome with you. There was a brief moment, while you were reverse cowgirling that old guy and jerking off two midgets while orally satisfying the butch chick in the leather chaps, when our eyes met, and it was magic.
First, I want to be clear that I wasn't calling you a filthy whore, it was the woman I was doggy-styling, and that was only after her repeated insistence that I talk dirty to her. I promise I would treat you more respectfully than that.
I also want to make clear that I don't normally go down on other guys, but since you were taken and she was the only other attractive woman there, and part of the package was that her husband had to get in on the action, well, desperate times call for desperate acts...
Anyway, the point is, I think I love you. I know, we've not met, and I don't think any of my semen actually ended up in you, though we can't be sure of that, now can we, but probably not, so that makes us complete strangers. But there was that moment, that electric moment, before you started to gyrate wildly and cry out in some foreign language (was that French? I love French), and before I had to take on that unsavory but necessary oral task that I'd just as soon forget, except for this persistent heartburn I've got today, when we connected, and it was as if I could see into your soul, and you into mine.
So can't we give it a try? All I'm asking for is a cup of coffee. And perhaps a threesome, if your roommate is hot, or if we meet a sexy stranger on the street. But let's just start by getting to know each other, okay?
Look, in this crazy, mixed up world we call earth, if you can't take a chance when you connect with someone even though you haven't yet fucked them, then when can you take a chance? Write back, my love.
so much location material for the daring...