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Extended family and In-law Drama (Discuss)

yuichiyuichi Urban sprawl 11,332 Posts
edited September 2015 in Strut Central
Alright so my bro is married, and the wife is starting to show her true colors in being a control freak that has two kids now. Wants everything to be on time, and calls out my brother every 10 seconds for something. From everything I know about my brother, he is generous and accommodating and is a true team player. Most recently he was being carried off to the hospital because his stomach or something was hurting bad. Same shit happened again tonight in front of me, and I was dumbfounded and offended at how little she seemed to care about my brother's well-being as he lay there on the sofa in obvious pain. She was more concerned about getting her 3 month old in the bath on time.

I shouldn't have to step in on shit like this, but I'm gonna explain to my bro how this is totally uncool. This wife has had other issues with my family as well, and no one has said much to her directly, which is a damn shame. How do you guys deal with bullshit like this from in-laws, particularly if it affects your brother/sister's well-being?

  Comments

  • the_dLthe_dL 1,531 Posts
    Its a trap!
  • JimsterJimster Cruffiton.etsy.com 6,960 Posts
    It's a woman!
  • skelskel You can't cheat karma 5,033 Posts
    The minute your bro had kids, he started going down the pecking order.
    He's prolly about 8th in line after kids, home, family, friends, money, creature comforts and routine.

    Once he understands this, it's easier. Either deal or make himself anti-fragile.
    Reclaim independence - cook, clean, clothe, squirrel some parachute assets away.
    Just in case, natch.
    Cos all the legal cards are stacked in her favour. And (from personal experience) recognise man becomes dependent on woman, almost never vice versa.

    But your bro is the keeper of his happiness, not you.

  • JectWonJectWon (@_@) 1,654 Posts
    Been married 9 years. My wife and I have each other's back and legitimately want each other to be happy. I'm finding that this is a rarity as I watch my other friends get married.

    skel said:

    But your bro is the keeper of his happiness, not you.

    This is honestly the best advice. There is no guiding people around a shitty relationship. Either they acknowledge that they deserve better or they don't. I know it sucks watching a friend/fam get sucked into the abyss of a shit relationship....

    All I've ever done is give them this look:

  • FlomotionFlomotion 2,391 Posts
    Tread carefully. Giving your brother marriage advice isn't going to win you any points.
  • JimsterJimster Cruffiton.etsy.com 6,960 Posts
    You could always tell him to stand up to her - Me and the bird have argued daily since we met. I have now demoted what others might term "Arguments", in the scheme of things, to "Bickers". And at least we both agree when the kids piss us off. You have to be able to dish it AND take it, doe. It's hard work.

    He'd have to have it in him, mind. Be prepared for her to do one.

    Mate used to laugh at me arguing on the blower at work, said he and his Mrs never ever argued. She left him a couple of years back, out of the blue, she said she thought her marriage had been over for a while.

  • JectWonJectWon (@_@) 1,654 Posts
    J i m s t e r said:

    Mate used to laugh at me arguing on the blower at work, said he and his Mrs never ever argued...

    I've always been kind of suspicious of that.
  • HarveyCanalHarveyCanal "a distraction from my main thesis." 13,234 Posts
    He needs a time machine at this point.
  • Jonny_PaycheckJonny_Paycheck 17,825 Posts
    I think advising your brother about his marriage is a really bad idea unless he specifically asks your opinion. he's a grown ass man dog and there's literally nothing good that can come of you getting in the mix. if you think it's part of a broader problem (depression, substance abuse, bad diet, physical ailments, etc), maybe you guys can talk about that, but otherwise... idk, pray about it

    also, as someone who's been sick or in pain while my wife yelled at me about getting a child in the bath (or some shit), I can tell you.... that comes with the territory. early parenthood is stressful... u have no idea how/if they squashed shit after... everyone can be uncaring at times... we all get a turn.

    if there truly is a problem, they have to work it out regardless, you are not a marriage counselor and can really fuck some shit up trying to be one.
  • LaserWolfLaserWolf Portland Oregon 11,517 Posts
    yuichi said:


    I shouldn't have to step in on shit like this, but I'm gonna explain to my bro how this is totally uncool.

    Don't.

    I have a sil who manipulative, cruel and undermines my bro at every turn.
    She hates our family and we hate her. (Hate might be too strong a word, or maybe not.)
    But everyone tries their best to get a long.
    Because bottom line, we love our brother and he loves her. End of story.

    I have another sil who dealt with an alcoholic, drug addicted, narcissistic, alcoholic husband for years.
    Woman is a saint and a great mother.

    In other inlaw news, we recently built a house in our backyard for my ancient inlaws.
    Make them dinner every night and provide rides, care and concierge services everyday.
    I even go to church with them every Sunday.

    So I say, your sil is family. Love her.
  • batmonbatmon 27,574 Posts
    and no one has said much to her directly

    Fuck that...tell her and your brother how u feel.

    But just your opinion. Dont speak for your fam.

    Put that shit on the table.
  • DB_CooperDB_Cooper Manhatin' 7,823 Posts
    JonnyPaycheck said:
    I think advising your brother about his marriage is a really bad idea unless he specifically asks your opinion.

    Yes. Unsolicited advice is almost never welcome. And throwing the "almost" in there is generous.

    JonnyPaycheck said:
    also, as someone who's been sick or in pain while my wife yelled at me about getting a child in the bath (or some shit), I can tell you.... that comes with the territory. early parenthood is stressful... u have no idea how/if they squashed shit after... everyone can be uncaring at times... we all get a turn.

    if there truly is a problem, they have to work it out regardless, you are not a marriage counselor and can really fuck some shit up trying to be one.

    This as well. A lot of what you said, Yuichi, is just plain old regular relationship stuff once you have young children in the mix. A lot of what might have seemed beyond the pale before kids becomes part of the mix is now "the arguments nobody wants to have, but we seem to have them regularly anyway."

    Family life. LIVING THE FUCKING DREAM BRO.
  • Fred_GarvinFred_Garvin The land of wind and ghosts 337 Posts
    Have to agree on the unsolicited advice... the other party won't typically see things the same way you will. It won't be received well unless he's having similar thoughts.

    If it's to the extent where you think it's a serious concern, try approaching from a different angle. Talk to your brother about how he's feeling, how things are going for him. Assuming you have a good relationship, he may well tell you if he's not feeling right about the situation. Then, and only then, you'll be clear to voice your opinions... and even then, show some restraint. Let him do the talking. People are usually more receptive to a point of view when they've asked for it, or it's driven by them.
  • HarveyCanalHarveyCanal "a distraction from my main thesis." 13,234 Posts
    If you are close with your brother, y'all have exchanged personal advice before. I don't see why his marriage would be categorically off-limits, especially if its problems are spilling over onto your family at large. This site is apparently filled with dudes who have allowed their wives to brainwash them into silent submission. Don't listen to them would be my advice to you.
  • LaserWolfLaserWolf Portland Oregon 11,517 Posts
    I am not brainwashed.
    I willing submitted.
  • HarveyCanalHarveyCanal "a distraction from my main thesis." 13,234 Posts
    LaserWolf said:
    I am not brainwashed.
    I willing submitted.

    Thank you, LaserWolf's wife, for posting that.
  • Bon VivantBon Vivant The Eye of the Storm 2,018 Posts
    JonnyPaycheck said:
    I think advising your brother about his marriage is a really bad idea unless he specifically asks your opinion.

    This x 1,000,000.

    Good on you for being concerned about your brother and probably your brother's kids too, but unless he's asking for your advice on his marriage, you should stay out of it.

    My brother is finalizing his divorce from a horrible woman. He's been miserable for the better part of 4 years. He's never asked my advice, I've never given it. Best thing to do is be there for him in other aspects of his life.
  • yuichiyuichi Urban sprawl 11,332 Posts
    batmon said:
    and no one has said much to her directly

    Fuck that...tell her and your brother how u feel.

    But just your opinion. Dont speak for your fam.

    Put that shit on the table.

    Batmon,

    This is basically what I've done. MY opinion.

    And to put more into context, I've known my younger brother's
    wife longer than anyone; as she's had this awkward, unlike-able side
    since she was roommates with my ex. So there is some history.

    And I completely agree with the folks that said, "Not your business".
    But first time I saw my brother literally laying on all fours in pain,
    while the wife shooed me out the house because the baby needed a bath,
    i was furious and bewildered.
  • yuichiyuichi Urban sprawl 11,332 Posts
    HarveyCanal said:
    If you are close with your brother, y'all have exchanged personal advice before. I don't see why his marriage would be categorically off-limits, especially if its problems are spilling over onto your family at large. This site is apparently filled with dudes who have allowed their wives to brainwash them into silent submission. Don't listen to them would be my advice to you.

    I've had a good relationship with my brother. During adulthood, we've been there for each other and have talked frankly and objectively about each other's real world problems at times.

    The "spilling over" onto MY family at large is the issue I have here. Sorry, if its borderline intervention.

    If the objective is for a family unit to be perfect, (which women apparently get obssessed with), then I have an issue. At what cost??
  • yuichiyuichi Urban sprawl 11,332 Posts
    HarveyCanal said:
    LaserWolf said:
    I am not brainwashed.
    I willing submitted.

    Thank you, LaserWolf's wife, for posting that.

    Funny shit.
  • yuichiyuichi Urban sprawl 11,332 Posts
    skel said:
    The minute your bro had kids, he started going down the pecking order.
    He's prolly about 8th in line after kids, home, family, friends, money, creature comforts and routine.

    Once he understands this, it's easier. Either deal or make himself anti-fragile.
    Reclaim independence - cook, clean, clothe, squirrel some parachute assets away.
    Just in case, natch.
    Cos all the legal cards are stacked in her favour. And (from personal experience) recognise man becomes dependent on woman, almost never vice versa.

    But your bro is the keeper of his happiness, not you.


    Skel,

    Sounds fair to me.
  • batmonbatmon 27,574 Posts
    yuichi said:
    batmon said:
    and no one has said much to her directly

    Fuck that...tell her and your brother how u feel.

    But just your opinion. Dont speak for your fam.

    Put that shit on the table.

    Batmon,

    This is basically what I've done. MY opinion.

    And to put more into context, I've known my younger brother's
    wife longer than anyone; as she's had this awkward, unlike-able side
    since she was roommates with my ex. So there is some history.

    And I completely agree with the folks that said, "Not your business".
    But first time I saw my brother literally laying on all fours in pain,
    while the wife shooed me out the house because the baby needed a bath,
    i was furious and bewildered.

    Well if youve expressed your concern and shit is still the same, then its out of your hands.
    Dude wants to be a team player and never shoot the ball then thats that.

    BUT....your brothers health should remain a priority.
  • yuichiyuichi Urban sprawl 11,332 Posts
    batmon said:
    yuichi said:
    batmon said:
    and no one has said much to her directly

    Fuck that...tell her and your brother how u feel.

    But just your opinion. Dont speak for your fam.

    Put that shit on the table.

    Batmon,

    This is basically what I've done. MY opinion.

    And to put more into context, I've known my younger brother's
    wife longer than anyone; as she's had this awkward, unlike-able side
    since she was roommates with my ex. So there is some history.

    And I completely agree with the folks that said, "Not your business".
    But first time I saw my brother literally laying on all fours in pain,
    while the wife shooed me out the house because the baby needed a bath,
    i was furious and bewildered.

    Well if youve expressed your concern and shit is still the same, then its out of your hands.
    Dude wants to be a team player and never shoot the ball then thats that.

    BUT....your brothers health should remain a priority.

    Yea, I hear you.

    Thanks for the support.
  • GaryGary 3,982 Posts
    Is she hot? Post some pics.
  • Controller_7Controller_7 4,052 Posts
    Asking him how he feels when he's on all fours in pain and his wife is more concerned about the baby's bath might be one way to see if he even wants to talk about it. Not asking that way, but like "remember that time when I was over and..." Maybe asking if he's been having health issues.

    Obviously we don't know all that you know, but I am in the tread lightly camp. When you said 3 month old, I thought "well nobody is rational when you have a 3 month old." If she's nuts she's nuts, but parents of young kids all act crazy at times.

    And Skel is right that the relationship changes when the kids come. But if you aren't married and don't have kids, I'd be careful about going in hot on the advice/feedback.
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