Chuck Norris
SouthCrackalack
3,853 Posts
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.Late pass?
Comments
Sure, here you go. Finish your business and get back to class, ASAP.
Chuck Norris' tears are the cure for cancer. Too bad he's never cried.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a Frickin' Jeep.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
http://www.reuters.com/article/rbssTechMediaTelecomNews/idUSN2129580420071222
I just feel sorry for the author. But at least Chuck is going through the proper legal channels.
Chuck Norris can eat a rubiks cube and poop it out solved.
Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands. They are now known as The Islands.
Chuck Norris does not tea-bag the ladies, he potato-sacks them.
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he pees.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night-lite because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
yeah, definitely late pass, but never ceases to amuse me.
but I'm thinking with the lawsuit, he filed it because it's titled "facts" and it says he doesn't want people to actually believe these things.
http://worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=52567
Hilarious.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
I Frickin' love these things. How have I not been aware of this stuff until now? I feel so deprived.
See, that is what always both fascinates me and frustrates me about these types. They don't believe in evolution but they go and use shit like the internet, microwaves, planes, cars, lights, medicine etc. They have faith in a flying metal vessel but not evolution.
ha
Don't let the creationists hear that or they'll start rewriting biology books again.
because evolution says that everything just came about by mere chance
i dont have faith in evolution and i use everything you listed there
Chuck Norris Jokes
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
>till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
>face.
>
> Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
>the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she
>was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
>
> Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
>information he wants.
>
> Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
>
> Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
>deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
>
> Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
>trademarked names for his left and right legs.
>
> Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Frickin'!"
>
> When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
>only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has
>not had to pay taxes ever.
>
> There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
>
> There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck
>Norris.
>
> Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes
>corn needs to lie the fuck down.
>
> There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris
>allows to live.
>
> When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
>instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
>
> In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use
>to kill you, including the room itself!
>
> Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
>
> Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
>tennis.
>
> When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck
>Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third
>girl he had slept with.
>
> Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
>
> It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
>
> Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with
>lactose's shit.
>
> Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
>
> When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's
>pushing the Earth down.
>
> Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
>decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
>grew a beard.
>
> Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
>unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
>finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
>should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
>the month.
>
> Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
>stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard-rub.
>Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
>Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the
>crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
>
> Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
>
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris
>
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on
his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
>
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
>
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
>
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
>
Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.
>
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.
>
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
>
Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris
open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.
>
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the
courage to tell him.
"Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him."
Little Known Chuck Norris Facts:
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
4. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.*
5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
7. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
8. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
9. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
11. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
12. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
13. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
14. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
15. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
16. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
17. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
18. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
19. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
20. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
21. You remember when you were playing the game Oregon Trail and you came to the Snake River that was 2 foot deep, you decided to cross it and you lost 3 wagon wheels, one child and your wife was diagnosed with Parvo and they blamed it on Wagon Robbing Indians? Yeah that was Chuck Norris, he Frickin' robbed you, drowned your child with nunchuks and gave your wife herpes. Chuck Norris Owns You.
22. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
Chuck Norris was originally going to be included in Street Fighter 2 but was removed at the last minute because of a glitch that caused every button to deliver a round house kick to the face of the opponent when pressed. When a journalist asked Chuck Norris about the glitch Chuck replied ???There is no glitch??? and promptly round house kicked the journalist in the face.
Not by chance, by circumstance. Crucial difference.
So God made soulstrut?
Do you believe in cannibalism and zombies? Or, in other words, do you believe in Christianity?
I believe in Cannibalism existing. And are you asking if I believe in Christianity existing or Christianity itself?
I'm just baiting dude. If you're a faithful Biblical literalist, you actually believe you're eating and drinking the flesh and blood of Jesus at Communion. And dude raised Lazarus from the dead and came back for a return engagement himself, so there you go: cannibalism and zombies all up in your Christianity.