The Best of Craigslist

unlasciviousunlascivious 220 Posts
edited January 2006 in Strut Central
i have no idea how i missed this...http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/To the Guy in the Islanders BathroomReply to: [email]anon-117513973@craigslist.org[/email]Date: Sun Dec 11 20:17:55 2005Dear person in the Islanders Resturant bathroom, While I don't make a habbit of calling people out on their movements I need to put this one out there. YOU SIR, need to start each and every day with a bran muffin. Do you have the bird flu? In 26 years on this planet I have never heard, heard of, had or otherwise experienced as voilent a shit as you took in the Islanders bathroom. It sounded like you were pouring out a 5 gallon bucket of ice water from 10 feet avove the toilet. My ears have never heard so horrific a sound as your liquid fecal being fired downward between pockets of pressurized methane gas. I was only there to wash my hands before eating my lunch...but my appetite was foiled by your ass-disaster. Moaning and weezing in your stall while wave after wave of dysentery ran from your bowels. What had you consumed?! Raw chicken, 2 bowls of chilli, 1 bottle Ex-Lax and a gallon of milk? You single handedly ruined every molecule of oxygen in the room. 30 minutes later back at work it still seemed like someone had wiped a log of shit under my nose.Orgasm Notice - 3 Days to Pay or QuitReply to: [email]anon-117466579@craigslist.org[/email]Date: Sun Dec 11 15:53:11 2005Dear Sir, You have been renting my vagina for the past six weeks. In that six weeks you have had liberal access to myself and my fine ass bobbing on your dick, and you have taken advantage of this opportunity on a damn near daily basis. That is great. I love sex and I love it more when it is a daily experience. However, over the course of these past six weeks, I have recieved only one "payment" in exchange for your many lovely gifts of pearl necklaces and the like. This arrangement is simply not an acceptable one for my vagina and myself. This notice serves you with a three day period to pay up or get the fuck on. I want an orgasm. Look at this from my perspective, dear sir. I am a lovely little number. I do not smother. I come over late at night to fuck your brains out. I like the same movies as you. We laugh together, have a great time and in general have great sex. The lack of the finale on an occasional basis is understandable. The consistent nonexistance of it, however, will not do. You would not waste your time fucking me for six weeks if every time, save one lovely instance, you got really really really close, and then had to "hold it over" while I snored away happily after experiencing my earthshattering juicer, would you? No. I don't think you would. You would move on and take shelter in another, more "rewarding" location. I have been fair. I do not demand. I am a giving and tolerable lover. You can do whatever you want to me sexually, you know this from experience. I am not taking applications from other prospective tenants and I give you free access, 24/7. However, my tolerance wanes. The rules of tenancy are about to change. Here are a few final tidbits of knowledge. We have gone over them before. Perhaps you forgot. Again. Have a read. Have a re-read. But please, I implore you to take this seriously. This is a final notice. There are no exceptions. 1. I do not "cum" from strictly intercourse. I never have. I don't rule out the future possibility, but please stop trying to be the "stud" whose dick makes me "cum so hard" every time. It doesn't happen. Please take a few minutes prior to your personal enjoyment to go downtown and see the sights. I provide a roadmap. I am vocal and have no qualms with telling you to "keep doing that, don't stop." You know this. From the ONE time you did it. Remember, you are not "jerking off." This is not "aided masturbation." I am not just "along for the ride." This is SEX, buddy. And women want to cum too. If I didn't, I wouldn't bother with fucking you in the first place. Sure, I like to see you happy and love watching you cum. Its an enjoyable experience to sexually satisfy your partner. Try it. 2. I rarely get on top. When I do - DO NOT FLIP ME OVER. This is just a rule. Don't do it. Lay back and enjoy the ride. 3. Don't be such a gun slinger with the lube. If you touch my pussy and its not dripping wet, lube is not the blanket answer to this problem. And no, I don't care if it does smell/taste like strawberries. I might care if that made you venture down south, but that has not been a tried and true outcome. Your hands, fingers, and mouth are welcome, invited even. I assure you, it is not a desert down there. You need to AROUSE your lover. Not DOUSE your lover. Please, dear sir, do not take this as a rejection. Do not be discouraged. I have complete and utter faith in your ability to satisfy me sexually. Besides that, I really enjoy having you around in all other areas. You are funny. You are smart. You are sexy and educated. You DO NOT, however, give me an orgasm anywhere near as often as you should. You are in your thirties. You are not getting any younger. You should learn this now - women want a together, financially secure and stable man. Yes. That isn't a lie. However, women prefer solitude and the satisfaction of MASTURBATION to a constant sexual let down. I know you like fucking me. Please help me to like fucking you.I'll Cook and Fuck, Just Do My Dishes - w4m - 26Reply to: [email]anon-117544123@craigslist.org[/email]Date: Mon Dec 12 01:02:00 2005I love to cook, but lately, I have not been doing it nearly as frequently as I should. I live by myself, and cooking for one and then having to clean the goddamned mess seems like a total hassle. That said, if you promise to be a regular fuck buddy, then I'll guarantee satisfying you in more than one way. I've been told that I'm a great cook and a great fuck. I'm a vegetarian with a bald pussy. Doesn't cunnilingus on me sound fun? Now here is the deal. You must do my dishes, and I am very particular about how clean they must be. I really hate doing them, but when I do, they are squeaky clean (you should be able to get that squeak when your fingers rub against my tupperware), so you best be able to handle that. After that, I'll happily ride the shit out of you or let you fuck me from behind. Really, all positions are open to debate. I can handle a few grammatical errors in an email, but if you come off as sounding as though you cannot write a coherent sentence, it's a total turnoff. As for hygiene, I do not need someone who has a major case of OCD, but guys, let's be honest. You need to bathe more frequently than women do, and if you do not maintain a regimen of bathing, brushing and flossing your teeth, and wiping your ass, can I truly trust you to wash my dishes? I would insist on seeing tasteful photos of you, and I'll enjoy throwing your dick shot photos into my new shredder and then into my trash folder.

  Comments


  • i'm sorry i masturbated on your ikea catalog

    Reply to: [email]anon-117614840@craigslist.org[/email]
    Date: Mon Dec 12 09:26:00 2005


    but, dude, have you seen page 56?

    have a great birthday. you're an awesome roommate.

  • dayday 9,612 Posts
    MORE PLAESE

    It's raining at work and slow on the board and this has been the highlight of my day so far.

  • mannybolonemannybolone Los Angeles, CA 15,025 Posts
    Day,

    Check this out; it's got a few great ones: http://fleshbot.com/sex/found/the-best-of-best-of-craigslist-141119.php

    Here's my favorite (perhaps b/c it strikes a bit too close to home)


    Wife + Kids = No Sex and the Departure of My Sanity
    Date: Thu Dec 01 17:04:58 2005


    Hey married ladies, answer a question for me - is it really such a chore to have sex with your husband?

    I???m one of the many husbands (possibly wives) out there who???s kids tripped over the cord on the sex machine, ripping the plug right out of the wall. That humming and sputtering sound you hear is the machine slowly grinding it???s way to a gear freezing halt, its future destination: ??? the appliance graveyard under the sink where the Salad Shooter currently resides.

    Somebody help me out here ??? what do you do when your partner in life is great in every other way, but is a passion(less) fish in the bedroom? While, you yourself are one serious horn dog? For the sake of the kids, do you suck it up and be unhappy hoping and praying that your sex drive will start to wane? Do you continue to take matters into your own hands until you???ve exhausted every masturbatory move known to man including several you???ve taken it upon yourself to invent? I recommend the ???Under the leg, Tiger Claw hold??? ??? patent pending. Do you consider taking anti-depressants just for the libido reducing side effect? Hell, I???m depressed anyway, might as well kill two birds with one stone.

    Yes, I am at fault for marrying my wife ??? I literally knew what bed I was making and chose to lie in it, so maybe I have no reason to complain. Even before the kids came along our sex drives were not aligned, but we worked on it. Sex was never an area where she was interested in making a investment or being adventuresome. Sure, she???ll spend three weeks looking to find the perfect sofa cushions, but two minutes to put on a piece of lingerie isn???t worth the time, it just comes off anyway. Although it just donned on me ??? maybe some role-playing is what we need. She can be the sexy interior decorator and I???ll dress up as the perfect antique coffee table ??? a perfect coffee table is HOT! - Queue porn music.

    I am a good and considerate lover, always concentrating on her needs in the bedroom. I will happily go down on her for as long as she wants, and when I do the big O hits like a hammer. If that???s the case, why doesn???t she want it more often ??? I just don???t get it. If it feels that good, why not experience it al the time? No need for a special occasion, but if necessary we can create one, ???A new bottle of shampoo! Hey great, let???s fuck!!??? I know she may be self conscious about her body, but she???s beautiful to me. Message to my wife ??? you are the sexiest woman on the planet when you choose to be.

    And no, I don???t look like Quasimodo ??? I???m actually in good shape, and the same weight I was when we were married o so long ago. And, I???m not one of these dipshit husbands that goes out with his friends to play video games until the wee hours of the morning ??? I don???t have any interest in an XBOX, I just want my wife???s box. Nope, I get it ??? I buy her flowers, I do the dishes, I work as a partner around the house. I express affection even when I???m not looking for sex ??? okay, I pretend I???m not looking for sex. I don???t have a drinking or drug problem, I???m not abusive, and I???m not a lazy piece of shit. No, I have a good job, I???m a good father, I???m reliable, responsible, and a really great guy - apparently humble too.. On the weekends I stay with the kids so she can get a break, ??? I sincerely appreciate what she does for us, but being a stay at home Mom doesn???t give her the right to neglect her husband.

    Maybe I???ve just spent too long placing her needs ahead of my own that its become a paradigm that will be impossible to reverse. But you know what, I deserve better. I???m not asking for much just a little sex, and maybe taking the initiative to start something once in a while???or put 1% of the energy you spend on wanting other things (newer better house, new clothes, new body) to wanting your husband. And for the love of God, show some fucking creativity once in a while ??? I would be willing, make that eager, to try anything once. She won???t admit to it, but she???s got to have some kind of twisted fantasy buried deep inside ??? whatever it is, I???ll do it! ???Honey, I hate to admit it but I???d love to paint your toenails and then beat you with a raw pork chop.??? ???Okay, do you want to use an extra lean cut or something with a lot of bone????

    I would throw this out there as a warning to my fellow man/woman ??? if sex is truly important to you, make sure you???re sexual soul mates. Don???t believe those discussions where your spouse says, ???it???s not going to be different after we have kids,??? because you know what ??? IT IS - and it???s really, really going to suck. After a couple of years you???ll feel like your soul is eroding ??? you???ll feel hurt, rejected, and very angry. After a while you???ll find yourself online, anonymously bitching to thousands of strangers. In the long run I know it will be worth it, being a father is an amazing experience, maybe the gain is worth the pain ??? but it???s a significant amount of pain. And, I???m just not a selfish enough prick to give up being able to see my kids on a daily basis just so I can get some action. Nope, I???m pretty much screwed.

    Yes, communication is the key to any good relationship ??? unfortunately we???ve already communicated this to death. There???s just not much you can do when the answer to ???what can I/We/anybody do to help you??? is ???I don???t know.??? Talk to somebody, take a pill, push a button, just try something, anything. My sanity is slowly???.slipping???.away.

    ARRGHHHHHHHH??????..feel better, thanks. Flame on!

  • one for the torontonians....

    To the tailgating cop who ruined my blowjob on the QEW - 29

    Reply to: [email]anon-116903312@craigslist.org[/email]
    Date: Fri Dec 09 00:48:44 2005


    Look, it's been a few years since I've dated a girl willing to even consider giving head while I'm driving. I didn't think this one would even take me seriously. In fact, _I_ didn't even take the suggestion seriously, but I made a joke about it and she got a gleam in her eye and told me to take off my jacket.

    I was a little uneasy because some asshole in a station wagon had been tailgating me for a minute for two, but I figured, "Fuck him. Let him watch. He's practically in the back seat as it is." So down she goes. I just can't believe this is really happening.

    All of a sudden, the guy behind me decides he's been waiting to pass long enough. He pulls up beside me and matches my speed and I make eye contact with him, feeling just a little bit smug.

    Then he flashes his fucking badge at me. And I see the uniform hanging behind him that says POLICE on the fucking sleeve. Suddenly I'm not so happy.

    I mentioned this to the girl who was laying across the gear shift at the time, and- understandably- she promptly sits up. My once-every-five-years bliss ends early, but it becomes a tale for the ages. The cop sped off. I guess it's a good thing he was in a hurry to get somewhere.

    My MC: Next time could I at least get a written warning so I have proof?

  • Giant Undies

    Reply to: [email]anon-116300382@craigslist.org[/email]
    Date: Tue Dec 06 15:16:35 2005


    I just lost 120 LBs on Atkins and had to buy all new underwear. I hate to throw it all away so if anyone who is about 5'4' and weighs 290 wants em let me know. I have about 100 pairs in rainbow colors. They are clean. Please serious inquiries only...no perverts.

  • Our eyes met during last night's orgy, but I didn't catch your name - m4w - 36

    Reply to: [email]anon-113057861@craigslist.org[/email]
    Date: Tue Nov 22 09:50:53 2005


    I wanted to talk to you, but you are so much more attractive than most of the middle-aged has-beens in last night's pile that I couldn't get a moment alone, or even as part of a threesome or foursome with you. There was a brief moment, while you were reverse cowgirling that old guy and jerking off two midgets while orally satisfying the butch chick in the leather chaps, when our eyes met, and it was magic.

    First, I want to be clear that I wasn't calling you a filthy whore, it was the woman I was doggy-styling, and that was only after her repeated insistence that I talk dirty to her. I promise I would treat you more respectfully than that.

    I also want to make clear that I don't normally go down on other guys, but since you were taken and she was the only other attractive woman there, and part of the package was that her husband had to get in on the action, well, desperate times call for desperate acts...

    Anyway, the point is, I think I love you. I know, we've not met, and I don't think any of my semen actually ended up in you, though we can't be sure of that, now can we, but probably not, so that makes us complete strangers. But there was that moment, that electric moment, before you started to gyrate wildly and cry out in some foreign language (was that French? I love French), and before I had to take on that unsavory but necessary oral task that I'd just as soon forget, except for this persistent heartburn I've got today, when we connected, and it was as if I could see into your soul, and you into mine.

    So can't we give it a try? All I'm asking for is a cup of coffee. And perhaps a threesome, if your roommate is hot, or if we meet a sexy stranger on the street. But let's just start by getting to know each other, okay?

    Look, in this crazy, mixed up world we call earth, if you can't take a chance when you connect with someone even though you haven't yet fucked them, then when can you take a chance? Write back, my love.

  • SoulOnIceSoulOnIce 13,027 Posts
    Our eyes met during last night's orgy, but I didn't catch your name - m4w - 36



    Reply to: [email]anon-113057861@craigslist.org[/email]

    Date: Tue Nov 22 09:50:53 2005





    I wanted to talk to you, but you are so much more attractive than most of the middle-aged has-beens in last night's pile that I couldn't get a moment alone, or even as part of a threesome or foursome with you. There was a brief moment, while you were reverse cowgirling that old guy and jerking off two midgets while orally satisfying the butch chick in the leather chaps, when our eyes met, and it was magic.



    First, I want to be clear that I wasn't calling you a filthy whore, it was the woman I was doggy-styling, and that was only after her repeated insistence that I talk dirty to her. I promise I would treat you more respectfully than that.



    I also want to make clear that I don't normally go down on other guys, but since you were taken and she was the only other attractive woman there, and part of the package was that her husband had to get in on the action, well, desperate times call for desperate acts...



    Anyway, the point is, I think I love you. I know, we've not met, and I don't think any of my semen actually ended up in you, though we can't be sure of that, now can we, but probably not, so that makes us complete strangers. But there was that moment, that electric moment, before you started to gyrate wildly and cry out in some foreign language (was that French? I love French), and before I had to take on that unsavory but necessary oral task that I'd just as soon forget, except for this persistent heartburn I've got today, when we connected, and it was as if I could see into your soul, and you into mine.



    So can't we give it a try? All I'm asking for is a cup of coffee. And perhaps a threesome, if your roommate is hot, or if we meet a sexy stranger on the street. But let's just start by getting to know each other, okay?



    Look, in this crazy, mixed up world we call earth, if you can't take a chance when you connect with someone even though you haven't yet fucked them, then when can you take a chance? Write back, my love.









    so much location material for the daring...





    First, I want to be clear that I wasn't calling you a filthy whore, it was the woman I was doggy-styling, and that was only after her repeated insistence that I talk dirty to her. I promise I would treat you more respectfully than that.



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