Joke Time!
Gary
3,982 Posts
I'm stealing this one from Gilbert Gottfried:A man gets "I Love You tattooed on his dick. He goes home and his wife says "Why are you always trying to put words in mouth?" 
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So. The next day, they all sit down to lunch again on the same steel beam high above the city, open their lunch buckets and exclaim. In turn: Luiggi: "Ah! Meetballs again" - and he jumps off the building and kills himself, Patty, "Corned beef again!" - and he jumps off the building and kills himself, Lek, "Kielbassa again!" - and he jumps off and kills himself.
The next day, the construction company holds a funeral for the three workers. The three widows stand at the foot of the grave sobbing as they lower the coffins. In turn: Widow 1, "If I had only known that my beloved Luiggi didn't like meatballs, I would have made him something else." Widow 2, "Saints alive, if I had known that Patty didn't like corned beef, I would have made him something else. Widow 3,
wait for it
"Lek always packed his own lunch."
- "is the bar tender here?"
F*ck em', let em cry!
A: None. Punk never changed anything.
A: None. Metalheads aren't afraid of the dark.
Ten. One to change the bulb and one to hold the chair.
Four.
One to do it, three to say "lookin good man, lookin good"
The wedding was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
(word to Tommy Cooper)
*sigh* You don't know??
One says to the other, "you drive, I'll man the guns".
(more word to Tommy Cooper)
"Nice belt."
I'm not sure, they are still arguing whether the current lightbulb is still works.
he whispers "hey can i get a beer?"
Bartender says "Sorry buddy could you speak up? I can't hear you."
Pony- *cough cough* "Excuse me I'm a little horse."
The piece of string then starts to scruff himself up on the sidewalk, and gets all tangled up and rough.
He goes back in the bar and the baretender asked "hey arent you that piece of string I just threw out?"
The string replies, "nope, a frayed knot"
The bartender, annoyed, says "No I don't have any grapes. And I don't serve ducks in here, so get out!"
The duck leaves.
Next day, the duck comes back in and asks "Do you have any grapes?
Bartender: "No! I told you yesterday I don't have any grapes and I don't serve ducks. If you come in here one more time and ask me that I'm going to nail your bill to this bar!" The duck leaves.
Next day, the duck comes back in and asks: "Do you have any nails?"
Bartender: "What? No I don't have any nails."
Duck: "OK, great. Do you have any grapes?"
he lines the em up and starts knocking em back.
bartender gets curious and asks "whats the occasion buddy?"
"ahh. my first blowjob" as he finishes the last shot.
the bartender smiles and offers "well if thats the case, the next shots on me!"
"hey man, if the first five didnt get the taste out my mouth, i doubt the sixth one will."
and...
what is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A CARROT!!!
little fucker
Two scoops of Ice Cream, Two scoops of Dead Baby, and some Root Beer.
Actually, it's root beer and two scoops of dead baby.
I'm trying to quit dead baby jokes, but that's always been my favorite.
???A millipede???? he says, surprised by her suggestion. ???A millipede? Do a lot of people keep millipedes as pets???? he asks her.
She responds, ???Not really, but you said that you want something different, and a millipede certainly fits the bill. Not only that, but it is also clean and easy to take care of; just what you wanted.???
After debating with himself for a few minutes, the man buys the millipede.
He carries it home with him in a box, and sets the box next to him on the couch. He spends the next few hours watching TV in silence, sitting next to the millipede in the box.
Eventually, the man taps on the box and says, ???Hey, you wanna go for a walk????
The millipede does not respond.
He waits a few minutes before knocking on the box again. He then knocks and says, ???Hey, what are you, deaf? I asked if you want to go on a walk!???
After a few seconds of silence, the millipede says, ???Damnit! I heard you the first time! I???m putting my shoes on!???
As he sits he notices to pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling.
He orders his beer then after a few minutes, curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the bartender about the odd ceiling ornament.
"Hey buddy, why is that meat hanging up there?"
Bartender - "Oh, well thats a tradition we have in this bar. Its a game actually."
"Whats the game?"
"Well, If you can knock down those pieces of meat with your beer mug, you can drink for free. If you don't you have to pay for everyone's drinks tonight"
The patron, thinks about this proposition for a moment.
Finally he declines and says
"Sorry, the steaks are just too high."
what, no obama jokes?
Obama promised change.
He has been in office 3 months and still hasn't changed my lightbulb.
I chortled in the office.
cuatro cinco