Soul Strut

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<blockquote class="Quote"><div><strong class="bc-author">Jonny_Paycheck</strong> said:</div><div>You know you've hit the jackpot when your wife/husband/sig other gets mad at you for the fart. Not play mad - like "oh you!" but like, really f*cking tight with you because you just made at least one room of your happy home uninhabitable.</div></blockquote>
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	Oh my dude, this summer I absolutely punished the poor woman.  I managed to achieve what was previously thought to be impossible and woke her up from a deep sleep on the strength of the smell alone.<br />
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	It was a hot, dog-ass night in July.  We decided to sleep downstairs since it gets a little hot upstairs, and bedded down in the sunroom with open windows on our left and right.  A fan on a low speed was placed in the opposite corner, directed at us since we enjoy the concept of circulating air to promote freshness.  My gorgeous body was between her and the fan, and she was between myself and the wall.  A little lighthearted pillow talk ensued, and we gradually drifted off to sleep.<br />
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	I think the toxic brew that night consisted of an unfamiliar combination of Chipotle Mexican, Bourbon County stout, some type of Ben & Jerry's, and maybe some protein powder earlier with a glass of milk somewhere along the way.  Whatever the hell I ate, it really didn't enjoy the company of culinary strangers.  As we were lounging about the estate throughout the evening I let a few warning shots fly out, got the usual stern (in her mind) rebuke of her fleeing to the other end of the sectional and whatnot, but nothing transpired that foreshadowed what was to come.  <br />
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	I'm assuming most men on here have done it.  We've all figured we're in the clear when the love interest is asleep.  You might be involved with the wife, the girlfriend, or maybe some new bit or a one-nighter where you've been holding in the aromatic secret until they're out cold.  Then you let it go, under the covers, and don't move a muscle to try and trap it in the mudflaps.  I've confirmed this with others, we've all done it, so if you haven't done this there's something wrong with you.  You're in the clear right?  She/he is sleeping, the sense of smell probably deactivates when we sleep, so let it go and revel in the thrill.<br />
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	Something woke me up.  Something stirred, shifted a bit.  My stomach felt way off.  I sprang out of bed, staggered to the bathroom and sat for a minute. Nothing. Figuring maybe it was just a passing bubble (whatever that means) I went back to bed. I laid there for two minutes before it came back.  This time I knew it was major league, gametime, dig deep and make this happen for the fans type action.  As mentioned earlier, the fan was buzzing steadily along in the corner.  I figured if I caught the wind current (you know you're skilled in the game when you factor in the wind) from the fan it would blow what was about to happen out the window.<br />
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	My angle was off.  Way off.  What I let loose isn't even the story here, it was gnarly and toxic and all the bad things that you can imagine.  Just picture a memorable fart or smell that only comes along in your life when you're sick with the flu or ate some foreign object or got mistaken for a labrador that had some cheese, that's what came out.  The problem was that my bare shiny and glorious ass was pointed directly at the fan, churning away in the opposite corner at the steady pace of a Kenyan marathoner.  And that fan blew everything right back to the other corner and held it there, right where Mrs. Sween's head was having peaceful dreams of a wonderful life ahead of her.<br />
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	I realized what was happening but it was too late.  I was blown back to my pillow from the odor, then laid there in a state of sheer terror while she whimpered a bit, then squirmed and sort of yelped.  I imagine she was dreaming about peaceful meadows and puppies frolicking when suddenly vats of sewage swallowed everything whole and my horrible face appeared on the horizon, laughing maniacally.  She woke up, yelled a quick and whiny "BAaaAABE", threw a haymaker in my general direction which bounced off my massive chest then threw the covers over her head and said "I can't believe you just did that to me".<br />
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	I eventually drifted off to sleep, and the story has been brought up a few times since then.  This particular explosion is an easy  top 5 for me though, right up there with the story from work in the post above, the one at CVS when I had the flu (which was posted on here at some point, I forget where and when), and my two week period last year when I put ground up flax seeds in almost everything I ate.

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