Look, Nobody Cares That You're A Dj

dayday 9,612 PostsClassic
edited March 2016 in DJ Talk / Mixes
You know who you are. Standing behind that deck of turntables, holding one headphone to your ear, being pretentious and aloof as you play with knobs and shuffle through records. You can just settle down, because nobody cares that you're a DJ.



1. Rave DJ-- Dude, first of all, raves were never even cool to begin with. The fact that you're still trying to "keep the party going" ten years later is bordering on The Most Pathetic Thing Ever. You can pile up all the lasers and lights and disco balls and glo sticks and pacifiers you want, but all you'll have is a big heap of Who Gives A Shit. And quit passing out all those stupid glossy promo cards announcing your latest weekly "Bliss-Chillout-Ambient-House-Electro-fest". You're 35 now -- isn't that a little old to be handing out postcards with psychadelic robots all over them? Also, your "DJ Name", whatever it is, is stupid.



2. Hipster DJ-- You silly scenesters can stand there and look as jaded and above-it-all as you want, but you're not fooling me into thinking you're some kind of fucking rock star. Say it along with me, "I am not a musician". No matter how many obscure bands you know or how big your record collection is, you're playing someone else's music. So stop acting like Mick fucking Jagger at every retarded party and gallery opening I go to. I have a pretty impressive DVD collection and know quite a bit about film history, but if I show up at your house and play Taxi Driver for you, does that make me Martin Scorsese? No, it doesn't. Also, whatever you're wearing right now, it looks ridiculous.



3. Celebrity DJ -- Hey Carlos D, Danny Masterson and every indie rocker in the world -- you're already a star. You're already rich, already famous, already spreading your "love" (and herpes) far and wide with all the groupies you could possibly want. Do you seriously need more attention? Do you need to show us that you have really excellent taste in music? Do you need to throw in an ironically bad song to show us you also have an adorable, self-deprecating sense of humor? Really, you do? Well turn off the fucking lights when you're done, assholes.



4. Angry Hip Hop DJ-- Sup dude, you're cool.



5. Angry Music Snob DJ (i.e. wicked22, lol)-- I don't really care if you have rare original first-press Joy Division vinyl, you're still just a douchebag with a record player. Don't you get tired of lugging around 400 pounds of vinyl just to be ignored by bars and clubs full of people who haven't heard of -- and could care less about -- your music collection? Get an iPod, dude. And don't even THINK about launching into your diatribe about how mp3s are inferior and DJ's who use iPod's are posers. There is no "art" to DJing. I don't care if you're using turntables, iPods, a laptop or a My First Sony Record Player, you're still just playing other people's music. Get over yourself, you pretentious jackass.



6. DJ Groupie Chick -- I'm sure your parents are proud.

The point is, while I enjoy good music in the background when I'm out reveling, I think we can all agree to cut out the lame DJ worship. I mean, think of how many people you know who claim to be DJ's. Everyon'e a fucking DJ. I'm DJing right now here in my cubicle. I just segued from Bloc Party's "Banquet" into Kings of Leon's "The Bucket" - isn't that amazing?

____________________________________________________________________________

While I personally feel you should worship me when I DJ, some of that other shit is pretty on point.
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  Comments


  • soulrezsoulrez 566 Posts

  • SnagglepusSnagglepus 1,757 PostsAlumni
    Pretty fuckin' spot on. I've been spinning a LOT lately and I start feeling like an asshole just standing there alone while everyone else gets to enjoy the music I've "artfully selected". At least I strap on a fucking bass and rock out as well ... sometimes on the same god damned night. "Great show, guys ... well, I better go throw on a record."

  • dayday 9,612 PostsClassic
    I think i'm gonna adopt one trait from each and become a super Franken-DJ.



    Get a cape, 3 lbs of hair gel, some baby sized t-shirts & old lady shades, an and some nerdy posture all while copping a blowjob.

    I'll be good to go.

  • soulrezsoulrez 566 Posts
    I think i'm gonna adopt one trait from each and become a super Franken-DJ.

    Get a cape, 3 lbs of hair gel, some baby sized t-shirts and old lady shades and i'm good to go.

    i say you break out this style for the root down homie...

  • dayday 9,612 PostsClassic
    Better bring your Sharpies batches - this is a one time only event!

  • soulrezsoulrez 566 Posts
    im gonna be in nyc

  • SouthCrackalackSouthCrackalack 3,853 PostsClassic
    while all of those descriptions are pretty damn funny..I think almost everyone falls into one or more of those categories. I didnt happen to see "all around nice,modest,good looking,good taste,skilled DJ" in there..or did I miss it?

  • Sun_FortuneSun_Fortune 1,374 Posts
    while all of those descriptions are pretty damn funny..I think almost everyone falls into one or more of those categories. I didnt happen to see "all around nice,modest,good looking,good taste,skilled DJ" in there..or did I miss it?

    yeah, where's the subtle, understated, nothin but quality, but still doubles up mardigras Dj description.

  • Bsides_Bsides_ 22 Posts
    The author is clearly a rockist.

    Say it along with me, "I am not a musician". No matter how many obscure bands you know or how big your record collection is, you're playing someone else's music.
    Duderonomy

  • GrafwritahGrafwritah 4,184 PostsSuper OG
    4. Angry Hip Hop DJ -- Stop overcompensating for your homosexual tendencies.
    ...
    7. True DJ:




  • BsidesBsides 4,244 Posts
    The author is clearly a rockist.

    Say it along with me, "I am not a musician". No matter how many obscure bands you know or how big your record collection is, you're playing someone else's music.


    well, the real bsides agrees completely with that statement. So.....am I a rockist?



  • Bsides_Bsides_ 22 Posts
    The author is clearly a rockist.



    Say it along with me, "I am not a musician". No matter how many obscure bands you know or how big your record collection is, you're playing someone else's music.






    well, the real bsides agrees completely with that statement. So.....am I a rockist?






    No, I would definitely not call you a rockist, it is just that the author's "playing someone else's music" gripe treads very closely to the toes of hip hop production, more specifically, some of the more liberal uses of sampling (which many other rockists class as "playing someone else's music"..."pick up an instrument & play your own music," and what have you).



    Bizarro out.

  • street_muzikstreet_muzik 3,919 PostsClassic

  • jaybreeziejaybreezie 161 Posts



    6. DJ Groupie Chick

    WHALE TAIL

  • DuderonomyDuderonomy Haut de la Garenne 6,697 PostsClassic



    well, the real bsides agrees completely with that statement. So.....am I a rockist?




    Whoa?! Bsides has a doppleganger? Still, I like the Superman/Bizarro take on it. However, in the last Superman comic I read (admittedly a long time ago), Bizarro came to the conclusion that to be a perfect imperfect opposite to Superman, then he should just kill himself, as Superman is alive, Bizarro should be dead.

  • MorseCodeMorseCode 1,519 Posts

    6. DJ Groupie Chick


    feelin' this. good look.

  • DJ_EnkiDJ_Enki 6,472 PostsSuper OG


    Wait...is that guy wearing a cape? No, he can't really be wearing a cape, can he? Holy fuck, he's wearing a cape. Why the hell would you wear a cape?

  • Birdman9Birdman9 5,418 PostsClassic



    Wait...is that guy wearing a cape? No, he can't really be wearing a cape, can he? Holy fuck, he's wearing a cape. Why the hell would you wear a cape?



  • soulmarcosasoulmarcosa 4,296 PostsClassic



    Wait...is that guy wearing a cape? No, he can't really be wearing a cape, can he? Holy fuck, he's wearing a cape. Why the hell would you wear a cape?

  • DJFerrariDJFerrari 2,413 PostsClassic



    Wait...is that guy wearing a cape? No, he can't really be wearing a cape, can he? Holy fuck, he's wearing a cape. Why the hell would you wear a cape?

    Apparently this guy's never seen The Incredibles. Capes bad.

    DJ Ferrari
    Duderonomy

  • parsecparsec 5,087 PostsAlumni
    Why is Stephen Malkmus wearing a cape??

  • coselmedcoselmed 1,114 Posts






    6. DJ Groupie Chick





    Wait...is that girl sucking that nerd's dick? No, she can't really be fellating it, can she? Holy fuck, she's breaking him off. Why the hell would you be a dj groupie*?





    *Unless he's Mark Ronson, of course

  • DJ_EnkiDJ_Enki 6,472 PostsSuper OG
    Why is Stephen Malkmus wearing a cape??



  • Young_PhonicsYoung_Phonics 8,046 PostsClassic



    6. DJ Groupie Chick





    Wait...is that girl sucking that nerd's dick? No, she can't really be fellating it, can she? Holy fuck, she's breaking him off. Why the hell would you be a dj groupie*?




    *Unless he's Mark Ronson, of course



    OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

  • KARLITOKARLITO 991 PostsAlumni
    as much as I like it that pic can't be real.

  • Big_StacksBig_Stacks "I don't worry about hittin' power, cause I don't give 'em nuttin' to hit." 4,672 PostsSuper OG



    6. DJ Groupie Chick


    feelin' this. good look.

    Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!!! Now that's fan appreciation at its best and worse.

    Peace,

    Big Stacks from Kakalak

  • cpeetzcpeetz 2,116 PostsClassic
    Why is Stephen Malkmus wearing a cape??



    Malkmus? A cape?
    Well maybe if it was Marc Jacobs...



  • SwayzeSwayze 14,708 Posts

    Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!!! Now that's fan appreciation at its best and worse.

    dude gets a pass on fuckin up that mix though.

  • DrJoelDrJoel 932 Posts



    Wait...is that guy wearing a cape? No, he can't really be wearing a cape, can he? Holy fuck, he's wearing a cape. Why the hell would you wear a cape?

    You still say hello!

  • PrimeCutsLtdPrimeCutsLtd jersey fresh 2,635 PostsSuper OG



    Wait...is that guy wearing a cape? No, he can't really be wearing a cape, can he? Holy fuck, he's wearing a cape. Why the hell would you wear a cape?

    I was wondering to myself..."is that guy wearing a cape???"

    cape = chick magnet
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